Friday, December 29, 2006

Total Mental Capacity of People Mentioned in This Post = nil

Dead Famous People
Gerald Ford, a former one-term, unelected U.S. president, recently died tragically at the tender age of 93. Doctors cited cause of death as being "he was really fucking old, what did you expect?" James Brown also passed into the netherworld this week, making the world that much less funky. By "less funky" we mean of course "containing one less drug abusing geriatric."

Crap Actor Buffet
Justin Timberlake apparently refused to take acting classes to prepare for his role in an upcoming film, "Alpha Dog," preferring to rely on lessons he received as a child. Half-forgotten tips from a decade ago and limited experience ought to put him right on level with co-stars Bruce Willis and Sharon Stone.

The End of an Era
The most popular Britney Spears fansite,, has closed down. The reason for the closure, according to the creators, is that Britney is "over," which is a little confusing to me as I've always thought that for something to be "over" it has to, you know, "begin."

Friday, December 22, 2006

Celebrities Are Just So Awesome

Battlefield Earth Redux
Victoria Beckham has signed up for a role in a new film about Scientology that will be funded by Tom Cruise. The film, entitled "The Thetan," has reportedly been turned down by every major film studio. Ha? I'm sorry, but there is no joke or snide comment I can make about this story that will make it sound any more ridiculous than it already does. I mean it basically sounds like "The Passion of the Christ" without the built-in audience, it'll bomb something serious if it really does get released and will end up being nothing more than an artistic punch line for the rest of film history. If Tom Cruise weren't such a colossal douchbag, I'd almost feel sorry for him.

News Flash:
Britney Spears' vagina.

The Karma Strike Team Catches Up
So Judith Regan, the mastermind behind the "Maybe I Did Kill My Wife" O.J. Simpson shitfest of last month, was fired for some anti-Semitic remarks she apparently made. The obvious joke being that they needed an excuse to fire a soulless, immoral executive who is single handedly responsible for taking the publishing business to depths so abysmal they were starting to pound on the roof of Hell like a cranky upstairs neighbor.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "Apocalypto," the new film from the drunken little anti-Semite who could. So Mel, maybe you can answer this for me, how do you say "I don't give a fuck" in Mayan?

2. "Happy Feet," which is about dancing...penguins. Dancing...penguins. Penguins...that dance. I swear to all merciful God there are not enough bell towers in the world.

3. "The Holiday," from the director of "Cookie Cutter Romantic Comedy in Which Jack Nicholson Tries to Bang Diane Keaton" and "Painfully Awful Romantic Comedy in Which Mel Gibson Tries to Bang Helen Hunt."

4. "Casino Royale." Bond is Back, and He's as Not Pierce Fucking Brosnan as Ever.

5. "Blood Diamond," an action film about an under-recognized, terrify aspect of the diamond industry that I don't really care all that much about. Somehow Leonardo DiCaprio just makes it impossible to take human suffering seriously. Especially with that accent.

6. "Déjà Vu." It stars Denzel Washington! It has a plot!

7. "Unaccompanied Minors," the film with the trailer that just sucks the soul right out of me.

8. "The Nativity Story," which tells the story of the birth of everyone's favorite fictional character, Jesus.

9. "Deck the Halls," which is about, I don't know, Christmas or something. Some stuff happens and it has Danny DeVito in it.

10. "The Santa Clause 3." Could you possibly think of a concept blander this film? It's like they found a way to convert spackle into a plot.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Death, Magic and THAT Word

Guess the Slur and Win a $100
Former "Seinfeld" star Michael Richards has come under fire recently for making a racial slur during a stand-up routine in Los Angeles. The racial slur isn't nearly as astounding as the revelation that Michael Richards is still alive and people are paying to see him perform.

Dead Famous People
Director Robert Altman died recently at the age of 81 on Monday. Which sucks for him I guess. Also for his friends and family and cinema lovers worldwide, though when you think of it they all got the better end of the deal as they get to stay alive a little longer. It's good to keep these things in perspective. I guess I just have a little trouble feeling really bad when someone I didn't personally know dies, even if they made movies I loved. From highest to lowest, my death reaction hierarchy is as follows: Family, friends, pets, celebrities, fictional characters, anonymous Indonesian natural disaster victims.

David Blaine is currently strapped to a gyroscope hanging over Times Square in New York City. WTF, dude? Can you go anywhere in Time Square these days without running into David Blaine doing some insane act? I think if he wanted to do something really astounding he should just give himself AIDS and then cure himself. That would impress me. None of this spinning around in mid-air shit. Or maybe that's the secret. Do you think? Have we tried strapping an AIDS victim to a gyroscope yet? Someone should look into that.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "Borat: Semi-Clever Subtitle I Don't Really Feel Like Typing Out," has topped the box office, proving that Americans can take a joke about themselves. That is until they find out there's money to be made and terms such as "mental anguish" start popping up in properly filed legal documents.

2. "The Santa Claus 3: Holy Living Fuck It Has Martin Short In It And People Are Still Going To See It I Cannot Believe This Film Has Earned Over $40 Million I Mean For The Love Of God It's A Tim Allen Christmas Film With Fucking Martin Short In It."

3. "Flushed Away." The only thing more trite than the plot of this film is the heinous punnery of the critics reviewing it. Wow. Clever you guys. You found a way to make a joke from the title "Flushed Away." That's just so funny it makes me want to vomit. Really. It makes me want to empty my stomach contents into a toilet until I dry heave. It's good to know we still have such a wonderful collection of film critics in this country that can come up with such clever insights such as "'Flushed Away' struggles with comedic flow'." Wow. Do I feel nauseas or what?

4. "Stranger Than Fiction." Will Ferrell aims for becoming a real actor, just like Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler before him. Fuck.

5. "Saw III." Does this still exist? Goddamnit

6. "Babel." One of the two best films of this year that I do not care anything at all about.

7. "The Departed." This is the other. Is it okay to say that I just don't care about Martin Scorsese all that much? I'm not saying he's bad, I just haven't been that interested in more than, say, three of his past twelve films.

8. "The Prestige." Those crazy magicians, still duking it out.

9. "The Return," which will be forever known as the supernatural thriller that starred Sara Michelle Geller that wasn't "The Grudge." Which is actually saying something in its favor.

10. "A Good Year." This would be a dull romantic comedy even if it weren't such an obvious PR effort from Russell Crow to downplay his occasional violent outbursts. And why the hell is Ridley Scott directing this? Here's a tip to all film producers: Instead of hiring Ridley Scott, just under-saturate every shot and tie the camera to an epileptic's head during a grand mal. That should match the effect perfectly.

Thursday, November 9, 2006

Old People, Boring People and Made Up People

The Old Indiana Jones Chronicles
Director Frank Darabont has stated that he thinks the fourth installment in the "Indiana Jones" series will not make it to development after George Lucas rejected Darabont's script. Too bad. I was really looking forward to the latest installment in a series has lain fallow for 17 years after two tepid sequels. Shucks, I don't get to see Harrison Ford embarrass himself by pretending to be an action star half his age again. It's a shame. Really. Darn.

In Famous People News:
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have fi.........................blghahhgghhsh.

Looking at December's Movie Calender
December 1 brings us "The Nativity Story." Cast as Mary, the mother of Jesus, is a 17-year-old unmarried pregnant woman. Market around that aspect of it, bitches.

December 8 has the new film from Mel Gibson, "Apocalypto," which is about the collapse of the Mayan society and is apparently a parable about corruption of U.S. culture as it collapses into fundamentalist religious insanity. I least that's what I got from the plot outline, but I've been known to read these things wrong.

December 15 brings the new Will Smith film, "The Pursuit of Happiness," the poster for which is so inspirational it makes me want to run over orphans with my car. Also opening is "Eragon" which I've heard is some shit about dragons. Let me ask you a question, right out: Has there ever been a movie about dragons that has been anything more than mediocre? I'll let you think about that one.

December 22 brings us "Rocky Balboa" and our culture's official return to the 1980s.

December 25 brings "Dreamgirls," which tells a fictionalized account of Diana Ross and the Supremes and stars Beyonce Knowles and Jamie Foxx and...Eddie Murphy? Didn't he die?

Thursday, November 2, 2006

The Drone List

Superman is Rereleased
Time Warner will be releasing a director's cut of "Superman II," with original director Richard Donner piecing together his vision for the film with test footage and deleted scenes, subtracting most of the footage shot by substitute director Richard Lester. Few points of interest here: Richard Donner could not direct his way out of a paper sack, having helmed not only "Goonies" and "Scrooged" but also directed and produced the entire "Lethal Weapon" series, including parts 3 and 4, as well as two other Mel Gibson movies, a Sylvester Stallone film and a Michael Crichton adaptation. On top of that, most of the footage he plans to add does not match the existing footage. Also the whole thing reeks of a shameless marketing ploy to promote the DVD release of "Superman Returns," and "Superman II" just kind of sucks anyway.

In Other Superhero News:
Ben Affleck has stated he will never play another superhero after his experience with the film "Daredevil." Now if he will only swear off every other kind of film role we'll be on to something good and I won't have to feel like ripping my own eyes out of my head every time I see that smug fucking face of his and have to be reminded that he earns millions of dollars doing a substandard job in a profession a fucking child can succeed in. Honestly, show of hands, who here would rather watch someone set an infant on fire than see a new Ben Affleck film?

On the Music Scene:
Kevin Federline released his first album, "Playing with Fire." Apparently it sucks and nobody likes it and somehow this is news.

At the Box Office:
"Saw III" topped the box office this week for no real reason. Do people just not have the ability to engage in rational thought when they go to the theater? "Well, the first one was okay and the second one kind of sucked, and the whole concept of the film is kind of morally idiotic and the plot is not plausible when subjected to even the most lenient standards and none of the actors or filmmakers are that good. HOT SHIT, THIS I GOTTA SEE!"

Friday, October 20, 2006

My Own Private Hell, With Jokes

Guess What!
Did you know that one of Laurence Fishburn's first significant acting roles was as Cowboy Curtis on "Pee-Wee's Playhouse"? The man went from "Apocalypse Now" to "The Matrix" and in between played a cowboy on a children's show that starred a porn addict and featured a talking chair. This really isn't news, but it's been bugging me so I figured I would throw it out there.

Opening Today:
"Flags of Our Fathers," a film about the famous Iwo Jima flag-raising photo, subject matter so moving and patriotic that it makes me want to shove my head in a bucket of boiling water.

"Flicka." (Disturbingly hot adolescent girl+horse)/family ranch in trouble= I will cut off my own dick before I would willing see this movie.

"The Prestige": Because you can never have too much of 19th century magicians in a single film-going year.

"Running with Scissors." Is anyone else made unaccountably uncomfortable by the poster for this film?

"Marie Antoinette," in which Kirsten Dunst gets all crazy French decadent with her bad self before some wacky revolutionaries cut her head off. I am so there.

Top at the Box Office This Week:
1. "The Grudge 2," which concerns an American film studio that has convinced an occasionally talented Japanese director to direct watered down remakes of his own films so as to shamelessly cash in on the Asian horror trend.

2. "The Departed," which will go down as the best film of the year that I care absolutely nothing about.

3. "Man of the Year." It's a comedy! With Robin Williams! Those two statements cannot coexist in a rational world!

4. "Open Season": Testing the limits of how many CGI films involving domesticated animals lost in the wild the market can support.

5. "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning." Why must everything I love be tied to the back of a truck and drug through a field of shit for the amusement of others?

6. "The Marine," which looks like they took a bunch of random action film plots and played Boggle with them until something resembling a movie came out. Christ, you would almost think this was being produced by the WWE. Wait...fuck.

7. "The Guardian." Kevin Costner in an action film about the Coast Guard. Are we actually regressing back into the 1980s? Has anyone told Duran Duran yet? Comeback tour, baby, I'm telling you.

8. "Employee of the Month." I'm boycotting this movie as it's just perpetuating the awful rumor that Dane Cook is actually funny.

9. "One Night with the King." Where the fuck did this come from? Tells the story of Esther, who becomes the queen of Persia after who gives a flying fuck. Fox cashes in on Christianity by making Bible stories on the cheap.

10. "Jackass Number Two." Oh, I get it. The title is a poop joke. How clever.

Monday, October 9, 2006

I Will Never Laugh Again

God Wills That it Will Suck
The budget for the upcoming film "Evan Almighty" has skyrocketed to an estimated $175 million, making it the most expensive comedy ever filmed. That's right, a studio is actually spending enough money to keep 4,375 families fed and clothed for a year on a sequel to "Bruce Almighty." Doesn't that just kind of make you want to bash your own head in with a brick? I'm not kidding. This news story has given me an honest desire to take a brick in my right hand and bring it down hard on my own cranium over and over again for as long as I am capable of doing it. Because there is no irony left in the world. None. This news story has officially killed irony.

News in the News
Dan Rather stated recently in an interview that major media outlets often cave into political and marketing pressure when deciding what news to cover and how to cover it. Thanks for the fuckin' story, Dan. We hadn't guessed. In an unrelated story, former FCC Chairman Reed Hundt stated that Rupert Murdoch exerts an unusual amount of control over the editorial content of Fox News and his other media companies. No goddamned shit, dude, really? Fox News is actually the American arm of a massive corporate-conservative propaganda machine controlled with an iron fist by a ruthless capitalist billionaire who has stated on record that he is willing to sell his version of reality to the highest bidder? You must be 'shrooming. Honestly though, is it like Obvious Day or something? Did I miss the memo?

Guess What!
Did you hear that Jada Pinkett Smith started a heavy metal band? No shit dude, I looked it up on Google. Do you know what they're called? They're called Wicked Wisdom. I am not kidding. Irony is dead.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "Jackass Number Two," because apparently there is still endless appeal in watching Johnny Knoxville get hit in the balls by a hammer-wielding midget.

2. "Fearless," which is reported to be Jet Li's final action film before moving on to an acting career.


4. "Flyboys," which tells the story of some computer generated action scenes during WWI that are occasionally interrupted by a plot.

5. "Everyone's Hero," the film that even the death of director Christopher Reeve could not stop. Well, I can see how this could be good, I mean WHAT? IT'S AN INPIRATIONAL MOVIE ABOUT BASEBALL? FUCK YOU REEVE, YOU DEAD SON OF A BITCH!

6. "The Black Dahlia," which is directed by Brian De Palma. In a risky move, De Palma decided to ditch the entire story and just film actors exchanging meaningful glances in between rapid jump cuts and explosions of violence.

7. "All the Kings Men," which is the adaptation of the classic Robert Penn Warren novel, has a wonderful cast and a stylish director, and would certainly be an Oscar contender this year were it not marred by the fact that it apparently totally sucks monkey balls.

8. "The Illusionist." Bad accents! Fake beards! Magic! No wonder it's a hit!

9. "The Covenant," which is some shit to do with warlocks and was directed by the man who brought us "Cliffhanger" and "Deep Blue Sea." Yeah, this is real high on my list. Get to it right after I take up yoga. And go scuba diving. And rip out my own toenails with a pair of pliers. And set myself on fire.

10. "Little Miss Sunshine." Steve Carell with a beard. That statement sums up my feelings about this movie. It's up to you to decode them.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Things That Cause Terrorism

A lot of controversy has surrounded the ABC miniseries "The Path to 9/11," which apparently depicts Democratic senators pissing on Ground Zero and George W. Bush single-handedly strangling Osama Bin Laden. It's good to know the self-deception and jingoistic spirit that followed the 2001 terrorist attacks is still alive and well in America.

The Special Ingredient in Coke
Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston have HOLY SHIT I'M TURNING INTO A LEMUR!

Happens All the Time
Apparently the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel has been deemed "suspicious" by authorities. So a 20-year-old man suddenly dies from a massive heart attack and all the sudden it's a criminal matter? What's this world coming to?

Thursday, September 7, 2006

Random Things

In News News
Katie Couric's first major story for the CBS Evening News was the first photograph of Suri Cruise to be released for the public. The photo will appear on an upcoming cover of Vanity Fair. Wait a sec, could someone tell me where all the news stories produced for grown-ups are? This is it? Fuck.

This Art is Shit
By the way, did you hear about that artist in New York who made a bronze representation of Suri Cruise's first solid stool? I understand that this is satire of a sorts, something about society's sick celebrity fetish, but you know someone is going to pay $25,000 for that thing and I'll just want to bash my head against a concrete wall until I can no longer retain new memories.

Guess What!
Mike Judge's new film, "Idiocracy," was given a limited release on September 1 and received about as much fanfare as a new Foghat tour. So let me get this straight: "Snakes on a Plane" arrives in theaters with loads of publicity and bales of unnecessary critical analysis despite having little going for it other than its title, while one of America's greatest satirist releases a new film and it passes like a fart in the wind? These are the kinds of things that make me want to hurt small, defenseless animals.

Friday, September 1, 2006

Top At the Box Office This Week

1. "Invincible," which tells the true story of a Philadelphia Eagles fan who enters an open tryout and whose dreams come true when he is selected to play for the team. Tragedy strikes when 30 years later his story is filmed as a hackneyed piece of Disney inspirational sports movie bullshit starring Mark Wahlberg.

2. "Talladega Nights: The Story of Ricky Bobby" stars Will Ferrell as a NASCAR driver. Which basically just lays out the whole thing for you right there.

3. "Little Miss Sunshine" is about.... Alan Arkin as a heroin addict? Okay, that sounds pretty cool.

4. "Beerfest" is a movie about some guys who like to drink and act like idiots. There is no actual film, just a giant mirror held up at the expected audience during each screening.

5. "World Trade Center" is the movie that shows us the inspirational, heroic side of the 9/11 tragedy so often passed over by other storytellers in the wake of the events. It's directed by Oliver Stone as he pathetically grasps for the last shreds of respect available to him.

6. "Accepted," in which a high school slacker has his ignorance and slovenly behavior rewarded after starting his own college. Anybody remember the film "Camp Nowhere"? I didn't think so.

7. "Snakes on a Plane." No, really, why is this movie important? No, really. I mean it. Why?

8. "Step Up" is some shit about a dance school. What, couldn't do something about spelling bees? Maybe throw in a FBI agent infiltrating a beauty pageant?

9. "Idlewild," in which OutKast makes a musical that is one half "Moulin Rouge" and one half a movie staring rap stars. Did this at any point sound like a good idea to anyone?

10. "Barnyard." No. Fucking. Way.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Popular People Saying Things

Do You Think This Will Hurt His Career?
Paramount has ended a production deal with Tom Cruise due to his personal behavior. Apparently just being a shitty actor who is obscenely overpaid wasn't enough. Jerry Bruckheimer has stood up to defend Cruise, saying he is "still one of the biggest stars in the world" as if the opinion of the man brought us "Kangaroo Jack" counts for absolutely anything.

Fat Guy Stands Up for Jews
Rob Reiner has called upon Mel Gibson to apologize for the film "The Passion of the Christ" on the grounds that it's anti-Semitic. In response, I have called upon Rob Reiner to apologize for every movie he made between 1997 and 2005, on the grounds that they were shit.

What a Bitch
Fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld has criticized Jessica Simpson and Pete Doherty as having no taste or style (thanks for the news flash, boy-o). For the record, Lagerfeld is part of the fashion movement that has single-handedly advanced one of the most disgusting, unhealthy and insidious images of female sexuality in human history.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Kids Drink the Darndest Things

In Dead Child News
A former schoolteacher was arrested in Thailand in association with the JonBenet OHHMYGOD MY BRAIN IS EXPLODING AGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

In Living Child News
Millions of people are wondering what has become of the demon offspring of Tom Cruise and his brood mare, Katie Holmes. Some tabloids have even speculated that the child might be disfigured. That anyone really wants to, or believes they have any right to see this child does not bode well for us as a species.

In Former Child News
Haley Joel Osment was charged with drunk driving and drug possession. The charges are related to the child star's car crash last month. Much like Mel Gibson's famous outburst, Osment had a few interesting things to tell the police upon their arrival to the crash, particularly: "HOLY SHIT MY RIBS ARE BROKEN, JESUS CHRIST CALL AN AMBULANCE!"

Friday, August 4, 2006

Comings and Goings

One Down
Rob Schneider has announced that he will never work with Mel Gibson, following Gibson's recent anti-Semitic remarks during a DUI arrest. Many agree that this is a positive step for Schneider, bringing him closer to the day in which he will no longer work with anyone ever again.

Guess What, Internet:
"Snakes on a Plane" is going to suck, and you know it deep in your empty little blogger heart.

Coming Soon:
September 1 brings us a Hollywood remake of "The Wicker Man," starring Nicolas DEAR GOD WHY WON'T HE JUST STOP Cage. "DOA: Dead or Alive" opens on September 8, bringing another goddamned video game adaptation to the big screen and sending obsessive fan boys up in arms over the casting or some such useless bullshit, even though you know those nerdy fuckers will be jacking off to the female stars and their skimpy costumes, crying as they do it over what sad, wasted little lives they lead. September 22 starts with another "Jackass" movie, which brings the endless appeal of watching Johnny Knoxville being whacked in the balls back to the silver screen.

Tuesday, August 1, 2006

Booze is Good Food

In Crazy Drunkard News
Mel Gibson has apologized for anti-Semitic remarks made during is arrest for drunk driving, stating HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO FUNNY YOU'VE GOT TO HEAR THIS "Please know from my heart that I am not an anti-Semite. I am not a bigot." HAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT A FUCKING RETARD! Gibson also apologized for the sexist remarks he made during the arrest YOU CALLED A POLICEWOMAN "SUGAR TITS" DURING YOUR ARREST! GOOD WORK THERE, BRAINIAC, YOU'RE LUCKY YOU DIDN'T END UP WITH A BILLY CLUB SHOVED UP YOUR ASS. After the incident, ABC announced they were dropping an mini-series produced by Gibson's production company that was to take place during the Holocaust THANK YOU MERCIFUL GOD though in a statement from the network the reason for dropping the project was that it had been two years and no finished script had been presented CREATIVE JUICES NOT FLOWING FOR YOU MEL? SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME THINKING THOSE DISGUSTING GAY JOKES YOU'RE ALWAYS MAKING, PERHAPS? I HOPE YOU CHOKE.

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You
Will Ferrell as a race car driver, Robin Williams as an unfunny DJ, a group of unknown actresses as horror movie slaughter-fodder and Kevin James in an animated film that apparently went all the way through production without anyone realizing that male cows do not have udders.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Gay People, Trailer Trash and Crappy Cinema

Liberace Would be Shocked
Former 'N Sync member Lance Bass has announced to the surprise of absolutely no one that he is a homosexual. Could someone explain to me why this is news?

Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are engaged to be married, a union so inherently comical it defies anyone's ability to actually make a joke about it.

Opening Today
TV-to-film adaptations move into the 1980s with the release of "Miami Vice," and thus marking another moment in which I died a little inside. "John Tucker Must Die" also opens, a teen comedy that sounds as if it was cribbed from a MySpace message board and will probably pass through theaters like a fart in the wind.

Top at the Box Office:
Too depressing to even talk about.

Monday, July 24, 2006

The Death of Mirth

The Countdown to Liberation Day Continues
Jennifer Lopez turned 37 today, that much more of her wasted, parasitic life having now slipped away.

Nerd Alert
It was revealed at the latest Comic-Con that the "Spider-Man" franchise will not end with the upcoming third installment, much to the surprise of everyone who thought insanely popular things that make hundreds of millions of dollars would have no chance at longevity.

Funny Will Just Have to Take One More Hit for the Team
"Saturday Night Live" head writer Tina Fey is leaving the show to write and star in her own series. This would come as a major disappointment to fans of the SNL, if there were any. Her new show, "30 Rock," is being produced by Loren Michaels, the Dark Angel of Comedy, He Whose Very Touch Is The Purifying Antidote to All Which Brings Us Mirth.

Friday, July 21, 2006

News You Can Use

Rock Out With Your Cock Out
The winner on the new reality series "Rock Star" will get to be the lead singer of a band called Supernova, which will consist of drummer Tommy Lee of Motley Crue, former Metallica bassist Jason Newsted and former Guns & Roses guitarist Gilby Clarke. All I can really think to say about this is HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO SUCK SO BAD, HOLY SHIT THAT IS JUST TOO MUCH! I MEAN WHAT THE HELL? WAS IZZY STRADLIN UNAVAILABLE? HAHAHAHA. COULD THERE BE A WORSE FUCKIN' BAND?

News Flash:
Kevin Smith is a shitty director.

Buttless Chaps and Pain
Somebody recently paid more than I earn in a year for a pair of Hugh Jackman's old jeans. There just aren't enough bell towers in the world...

Tuesday, July 18, 2006


Critical Cold Shoulder
The much-anticipated "Snakes on a Plane" will open without press screenings on August 17, the studio's logic being that since the audience will be the driving force behind the film, "they should be the first to see it." Which I guess is like telling us that since that bullet was intended to hit us in the chest we might as well take the bulletproof vest off.

"Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" has earned $258.4 million to date, making it the highest grossing film of the year so far. In other words, Americans have spent more than most impoverished nations receive annually in medical aid, food supplies and financial support on a movie about a lovable pirate.

Famous Person Dead
Famed crime writer Mickey Spillane died recently, tragically taken from us too soon at the age of 88. This announcement has at last put and end to the nasty rumor that he was in fact already dead.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Mediocrity and Madness

You Know...
I'm sure people whose fragile egos are tied to the lives of those more popular and attractive probably think Angelina Jolie did something interesting recently.

Looking Forward in the Film Calender:
Uma Thurman and Luke Wilson star in "My Super Ex-Dear God I Cannot Even Write This Title Without Cringing," in which a man breaks up with his girlfriend only to find she's a needy psychopath who tries to destroy his happiness. Oh yeah, and she has superpowers, so I guess it's supposed to be funny. M. Night Shyamalan's latest, "The Lady in the Water" opens on July 21, but more vital is the fact that I am now taking bets on what the twist ending will be. Odds are now 10-1 that Paul Giamatti turns out to be a murderer and/or ghost. "Clerks II" also opens that day, the much anticipated sequel to oh my god Kevin Smith is so fucking pathetic it hurts.

Monday, July 10, 2006

The Wrong Things Edited From the Wrong Movies

Social Commentary Time
Courts have ruled that third-party companies cannot edit movies for content, as such editing violates the copyright on the films. In an interview with Salt Lake City's Desert Morning News, Daniel Thompson, owner of four Cleanflix outlets, said, "I think it's ridiculous that you can't watch a movie without seeing sex, nudity or extreme violence. I don't understand why they're trying to keep that in there." Or, in an edited version of that statement: "I think it's ridiculous that you can watch a movie without seeing sex, nudity or extreme violence. I understand why they're trying to keep that in there." Or in a reworked version of that statement: "Fuckity fuckity fuck fuck fuck, kill babies, fuckity fuck fuck."

Coming Soon
Opening this week is new film by oh dear god no not the Wayans brothers. Also opening is Owen Wilson's latest attempt to pay off whoever it is blackmailing him with photos of him and a goat doing the barnyard boogie. In the new inevitable hit comedy "You, Me and Dupree," Wilson plays a somewhat overbearing wise-ass who could probably be doing better things with his life.

At the Box Office
In the box office this week, a movie about goofy pirates beat out a movie about a flying man in a skintight uniform, which was followed by a film about an overbearing boss, an film in which Adam Sandler can control reality, a film about talking cars, a comedy about Mexican wrestling and a romantic drama in which Sandra Bullock travels through time.

Thursday, July 6, 2006


It's Driving Me Nuts
The big film opening this week is the highly anticipated "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest," in which Johnny Depp once again tops the goofy meter by speaking all of his lines in Dutch and then desecrating the corpse of Barbra Stanwyck. Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley play two pieces of semi-animated cardboard that help Depp during his wacky adventures, which since he's a pirate I suppose involve rape, thievery and murder.

Go Cry, Teenager
The new album by the Dashboard Confessionals debuted at #2 on the Billboard charts this week, because people are so predictable.

On the Music Calender:
New releases are expected from blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah new Mars Volta album in August.

Clap Your Hands and Say "Blah"
Because mediocrity is something we should all pay big money to see, the "American Idols Live" tour kicked off on Wednesday, but unfortunately runner-up Katharine McPhee couldn't join the first part of the tour due to a case of severe bronchitis and laryngitis. Which, you know, is just really too bad I HOPE YOU CHOKE TO DEATH ON YOUR OWN BLOOD! ALL OF YOU! I'm sorry. I've got to get that under control.

Monday, July 3, 2006

Bad Things Happening to People I Don't Like

Talk Show Circle Jerk
Fired "The View" panelist Star Jones Reynolds' appearance on "Larry King Live" drew 3 million viewers, three times King's average audience. You know, because people like that kind of shit.

The End of an Era
NBC has recently ended its contract with the Arena Football League, proving once again that boring, unpopular and useless things just can't find a home on television.

The End of an Era, Part Deux
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are officially divorced. Their pain is funny.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Magic Powers and Painful Memories

The Anti-Christ of Comedy
The new Adam Sandler film "Click" has topped the box office since its release, grossing $40 million during its opening weekend and once again proving that God is dead and the Devil dances on his grave, celebrating the conquest of the world he can now form into another Hell.

J.K. Rowlings mentioned in an interview that two major characters will die in who the fuck cares and why is this even news?

Superman is Dead
"Superman Returns" opens tomorrow, reintroducing the world's blandest hero to the big screen and giving us all a chance to wonder what horrible, life-crippling thing will happen to star Brandon Routh. I mean really, isn't playing Superman basically like taking a hit out on yourself? George Reeves got multiple gunshots to the head, Christopher Reeve had his whole horse accident/depressing wheelchair person thing, Dean Cain had to be Dean Cain for the rest of his life and Tom Welling had his body taken over by a symbiotic fungus that now controls his thoughts (and his perverted appetites. You know what I'm talking about). I'd say there's about a one in ten chance that Routh ends up with his head on a pike in some Eastern European war zone.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Lunacy Abounds

Boll-ed Over
"Alone in the Dark" director Uwe Boll has challenged his critics to fight him in a boxing ring in what would be a filmed bout, apparently because he is angry over an online petition with over 13,000 signatures from people who want him to stop making films. While some think it might be easier for the man who made "House of the Dead" to JUST STOP MAKING SHITTY MOVIES, apparently Mr. Boll needs thousands of people to punch him in the face in order to get the point.

Queen Bitch Tits Update
Britney Spears probably did something trashy and mundane today, like chew tobacco while breast feeding in public, or give her child a mullet, or finish half a pack of Marlboros during a cell phone call to the Psychic Friends Hotline. I'm sure you'll hear all about it in People next week.

On the Dead Tree Front:
Here are the top five books in the New York Times Bestsellers List (Hardcover Fiction): A shitty book by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child, a shitty book by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, a shitty book by Patricia Cornwell, a shitty book by James Patterson and Peter De Jonge and, topping the list, a shitty book by Dean Koontz.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Because Things Celebrities Say Are Important

Opening This Week
Adam Sandler stars in a new film so mundane that no one can seem to remember the name of it or what it is about, other than that the US government is optioning the film to be used as a psychological weapon. A fictionalized account of what happens to Guantanamo Bay prisoners is scheduled for release this Friday, but is matched in its ability to disturb by the release of a new documentary about Leonard Cohen.

Rich Person Breeds
In an interview recently, Angelina Jolie admits that she was "terrified" while giving birth to her daughter, though not nearly as terrified as the rest of us are at the thought of Angelina Jolie breeding.

Coming Soon...
The "Ghost Rider" comic books will get the big screen treatment, starring... Nicholas Cage? And directed by the guy who directed "Daredevil"? And it's getting released in February? Dammit. Coming in April is the latest edition of Michael Bay's personal endeavor to take a big, fat, honkin' shit on all my favorite horror movies, this time with a remake of "The Hitcher." IS NOTHING SACRED TO YOU, YOU BASTARD? CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE GOOD ENOUGH ALONE?

Smiley face time :)

Friday, June 16, 2006

Celebrities Are Just Plain Better Than You

News Flash
Paris Hilton has inexplicably stayed popular for another day.

Cruise Control (please kill me)
Tom Cruise topped the Forbes Celebrity 100 list this week, beating out the Rolling Stones and Oprah Winfrey for the top spot. Cruise reports a fortune estimated at around $67 million dollars, leading a nation to ask that, now that he has all this money, just maybe he could STOP ACTING PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOU ARE SO TERRIBLE AND YOU CREEP EVERYONE THE FUCK OUT, PLEASE WE BEG YOU JUST GO AWAY!

In Less Important News...
Marvel Comics has brought some controversy upon themselves when in a new edition of the "Spider-Man" comic book, Spider-Man who gives a shit it's just a comic book.

Celebs Speak Out
Kevin Spacey said recently in an interview that after winning an Oscar for "American Beauty" he was " longer interested in his personal career" and was no longer trying to top himself as an actor. Which after "K-Pax," "Pay It Forward," "United States of Leland," "The Life of David Gale" and "Beyond the Sea" just kind of goes without saying now doesn't it Kevin, hmm?

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Geriatric Rockathon

Funkin' With Yr Head
The Red Hot Chili Pepper's new album, "Stadium Arcadium" has stayed in the Billboard top five since its release, proving once again the band's staying power. The haunting possibility of seeing 60-year-old men wearing nothing but tube socks on their schlongs performing in front of a live audience is now guaranteed to send shudders through an entire generation.

The New York Times Book Review made a controversial decision recently to have John Dean, the disbarred counsel for Richard Nixon, review the memoirs of Deep Throat. This follows other contentious reviews published by the Times, such as having the latest Ann Coulter book reviewed by Mumia Abul-Jamal, the new Philip Roth novel reviewed by a panel of National Organization for Women members, and an overview of the cookbooks of Rachel Ray written by Ingrid E. Newkirk

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Hot, Hot Meat

Death by Pirate
The world eagerly awaits the release of the sequel to 'Pirates of the Caribbean' which is rumored to contain, in a bit of unscripted ad-libbing, a scene in which Johnny Depp bites the head off of a live spider monkey. Production was held up on the film when it was discovered that co-star Orlando Bloom is not in fact an actor, but an advanced scabies infection.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie welcomed the birth of their first child, just barely avoiding a 6/06/06 birthday and thus forestalling the apocalypse for another millennium.

Vince Vaughn, Mutant
'X-Men: The Last Stand' lost its top spot in the box office (and lost me $50) with the release of the Jennifer Aniston/Vince Vaughn romantic comedy, 'The Break-Up,' which sucked up the highly profitable lobotomized demographic for the weekend. With this, Peyton Reed wins round four of the Battle of the Hack Directors, topping Bret Ratner's stiff, pedantic mutant-fest with an hour and a half of lukewarm, tabloid-promoted romantic idiocy that involves Jen and Vince cutting aluminum siding with rusty hacksaws, or acting, or engaging in some other equally odious activity.

Coming Soon, Leaving Quickly
Looking at next week's releases: 'The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift' once again demonstrates the law of diminishing returns as The Film That Couldn't Even Get Paul Walker To Star In It, I Mean For The Love of God, Paul Walker Did Not Even Want To Be In This Film, Can You Fucking Believe It? Meanwhile, 'Nacho Libre' combines Jack Black and Mexican wrestling in what promises to be one of the most bleak, grisly visions of existentialist horror since 'Warum lauft Herr R. Amok?'. 'Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties' finishes off the blockbuster trifecta with a movie so phenomenally unnecessary that it will potentially cause a rift in the fabric of reality, sucking itself and anyone who views it into a infinite black hole of incomprehensible nothingness.