Tuesday, January 23, 2007


Gold Statue Time
The Academy Award Nomina..........sorry, blacked out there for a sec. Here are the nominees for the top awards:

Best Picture:

1. "The Queen," which like the royalty it depicts is elegant, classy, and something that I do not even give the slightest bit of a fuck about.

2. "Babel" which as I have stated is one of the two best films of this year I will never, not even at knifepoint have any compelling desire to see.

3. "The Departed." This is the other.

4. "Letters from Iwo Jima," which is this year prerequisite Eastwood film.

5. "Little Miss Sunshine." HOW THE FUCK DID THIS END UP THERE? I mean I heard it was good, but WTF?

Best Director:

1. Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, "Babel." I do not care about this director on a profound level.

2. Martin Scorsese, "The Departed." I lost money on him a couple years ago and now I'm just totally pissed at him.

3. Clint Eastwood, "Letters from Iwo Jima." Why do all of Eastwood's recent films just make me want to OD on sedatives and slip into a nice, relaxed coma?

4. Stephan Frears, "The Queen." Snarky_comment_not_found.

5. Paul Greengrass, "United 93." Prerequisite Bold Choice.

Best Actor:

1. Leonardo DiCaprio, "Blood Diamond." Whoops, puked a little.

2. Ryan Gosling, "Half Nelson." Teacher. Drug Habit. Inner City. He's a shoe-in.

3. Peter O'Toole, "Venus." Have you seen the poster for this? O'Toole looks like one of the living dead.


5. Forest Whitaker, "The Last King of Scotland." He plays Idi Amin? Cool.

Best Actress:

1. Penelope Cruz, "Volver." Some shit with a ghost. I totally missed it.

2. Judi Dench, "Notes on a Scandal." Is there some clause in Dench's contract that she has to be nominated for an Oscar no matter what she stars in?

3. Helen Mirren, "The Queen." AKA "The Simon Cowell Story."

4. Meryl whoop-de-fucking-doo Streep in some shit based on a crappy book.

5. Kate Winslet, "Little Children." Are they not even trying over there at the Academy?

Other Highlights:
An "American Idol" loser got nominated for Best Supporting Actress; A movie about dancing penguins got nominated for Best Animated Film; a film that was largely improvised was nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay; an honorary award is going to a man who used electric guitars to score westerns; Al Gore got nominated for an Oscar.

In Other News:
Members of the church's leadership recently called Tom Cruise the "Christ" of Scientology. Like Christ, Cruise has spread his beliefs across the land, has been unpopular with the majority religions and eventually will be nailed to a piece of wood in public, will descend into Hell and then will appear to his followers three days later in the form of ghostly visions. I am also coming to suspect that, like Jesus, Cruise is in fact just a figment of someone's imagination.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Pretty People, Ugly Souls

Romance Abounds
Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz have confirmed that I don't give a shit. It is rumored that Scarlett Johansson who really gives a flying fuck?

Hail Oprah
On an upcoming Oprah special, three Oscar winners will interview their favorite Oscar winners in a big, fat Hollywood circle jerk of fun. Julia Roberts chose to interview George Clooney, Nicole Kidman chose fellow Australian nutcase Russell Crowe and Jamie Foxx chose to interview Sidney Poitier. So let me get this straight: Roberts and Kidman chose to talk to a pair of Hollywood heartthrobs while Foxx chose to speak to a highly respected actor and a civil rights hero. There is some kind of painful disparity here that I just can't seem to put into words.

Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Night at the Museum," which is about a dim witted security guard working in a museum in which the displays come to holy living fuck does this sound inane.

2. "The Pursuit of Happyness" which is the inspirational film with the spelling error in the title and a concept so heartwarming I just want to step on something small and defenseless.

3. "Children of Men." Apparently one of the best films of the year with a cool sci-fi concept that might actually get my ass over to the video store once it comes out on DVD (it takes a hell of a lot to get me to the theaters these days).

4. "Freedom Writers" Hilary Swank stars in another entry in an exhausting series of films about teachers who inspire troubled students to make something of their lives but generally inspire me to bore into my own skull with a power drill.

5. "Dreamgirls," which has garnered a lot of mass-produced hype and is looking at getting some awards this year despite the fact that the filmmakers decided to stick to the classic Motown tradition of prefabricated, factory created hits that tend to sound a lot alike over time.

6. "Happily N'Ever After," which is like the "Shrek" films, minus the humor, originality, entertainment value and irritating voice talent. Okay, so that last one is a positive, but it still doesn't make me want to see this piece of shit.

7. "Charlotte's Web," which is kind of creeping me the fuck out, the more I think about it.

8. "The Good Shepherd," which is about the CIA and directed by Robert De Niro and has Angelina Jolie (who makes me a little uncomfortable) and sounds kind of boring so I can see why it's a hit.

9. "Rocky Balboa," which has been pretty successful and has garnered some critical acclaim, which is making me start to think that I've stepped into Opposite World, where good is bad and bad is good.

10. "We Are Marshall," because we all know that Football + Tragedy = Overcoming Adversity = Inspirational Filmmaking = I Would Rather Pull Out My Own Toenails With A Rusty Pair of Pliers Than Go To See This.