Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Dead Celebrities and Other Meaningless Crap

Hunky Guy Dies
Actor Heath Ledger died in his hotel room yesterday. The autopsy was inconclusive, but I'm going to go ahead and call it and say it was an "accidental" sleeping pill overdose. I hate it when really popular people die. Not because I like them, mind you, but because it means everyone will now spend the next couple of months talking about how wonderful the deceased person was. That he was a moderately attractive man (in a what we might call a "gay cowboy" kind of way) means that he will be lauded as a tortured genius, which is an unmitigated load of crap, but to say otherwise somehow makes you insensitive. Basically what I'm trying to say is that, all apologies to his friends and relations, I feel about the same way about Ledger's death as I do about a new Uwe Boll movie: I wish it did not have to happen, but only because hearing about it causes me a mild irritation.

This Study Has Been Rated "Bullshit"
The MPAA recently announced that its study about how movie piracy on college campuses causes billions in lost profits was slightly flawed, in the sense of being completely wrong. The study was a way to pressure college campuses that provide high speed internet access to students into cracking down on illegal downloads. I guess along the way someone must have realized that it is in fact impossible to estimate "losses in profit from digital piracy" with anything resembling accuracy and that any numbers associated to such a study are generally pulled out of someone's ass.

Oscar Fever! (Catch It!)
The nominations for the 80th Annual Academy Awards were just announced (well, recently announced, in any case). Though the writer's strike could potentially cut the ceremony's legs out from under it (please oh please oh please), that doesn't mean it doesn't present a fine gambling opportunity.

Here are the nominees for the big ones:

Best Picture:

"Atonement": Based on a piece of actual literature, also with British accents. A shoe in.
"Juno": Taking over "Little Miss Sunshine"'s slot for quirky indie comedy that doesn't have Eskimo's chance in Hell of ever winning this award. Funny movie, but not the best picture of this or any other year.
"Michael Clayton": George Clooney acting serious and lawyerly.
"No Country for Old Men": Violent death and bad haircuts. Has my vote.
"There Will Be Blood": Might not win for best picture, but will win my personal award of "Ass-kickingest Title of the Year."

Best Actor:

George Clooney, for "Michael Clayton": It was bound to happen one of these days.
Daniel Day-Lewis, for "There Will Be Blood:" He ought to get an award for just consenting to make a movie.
Johnny Depp, for "Sweeney Todd": You have got to be kidding me. If looking serious and singing while caked in blood and dressed all goth is all it takes to get an Oscar nom, why not just give the award to the lead singer of Skinny Puppy?
Viggo Mortensen, for "Eastern Promise": The man looks like he hasn't taken a crap since high school. He's a shoe in.

Best Actress:

Cate Blanchett, for "Elizabeth: The Golden Age": Haven't we gone through this?
Julie Christie, for "Away from Her": Never heard of it. Never will again.
Marion Cotillard, for "La Mome": Sure. Okay.
Laura Linney, for "The Savages": I can see that.
Ellen Page, for "Juno": She played a girl who put out for a guy like Michael Cera in high school. She has my vote.

Other Highlights: A former stripper was nominated for the Best Original Screenplay award. Michael Moore's "Sicko" was nominated for Best Documentary, which means we have to pretend to care about what Michael Moore has to say about something for a few more minutes. Also, another fucking movie about fucking penguins was nominated for Best Animated Feature Film. Do you know that penguins molest children and eat kitten fetuses? And they would gladly kill an Alzheimer's suffer without a second thought, if they had the chance? I fucking hate movies about penguins. Unless it is a movie about penguins getting eaten by killer whales. I love killer whales. Especially when they are in the wild, where they are free to devour penguins at will, the way God intended.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "The Bucket List." Cancer? It's hilarious! Rob Reiner panders for an Oscar the only way he knows how: Calculated heart string tugs and old warhorse actors riding the cliche coaster.

2. "First Sunday." Stars the same people but is not related to the "Friday" series (thank you lord for small mercies), though looks to be about as big of a comedic train wreck. Watching Katt Williams mince around as a choir director looks to be a good substitute for an ipecac, so bulimics take note.

3. "Juno." The indie comedy quirkfest of the year. "Arrested Development" cast members, a script written by a stripper, highly precocious teenagers and a soundtrack that is just too indie-rock precious for words.

4. "National Treasure: Book of How Does Nicolas Cage Get By With That Idiot Smirk of His? He Is The Worst Fucking Action Star I Can Imagine Short of Jimmy Fallon"

5. "Alvin and the Chipmunks." This is real? I thought it was a sick, elaborate joke that everyone was playing on me. Amazing how one novelty song could lead to 50 years of unmitigated shit.

6. "I Am Legend." Every celebrity's self-perception come to life: They are the only real human being and everyone else is just a diseased parasite.

7. "One Missed Call." The J-horror crap factory strikes again. Do you think it involves a ghost? And telecommunication technology?

8. "P.S. I Love You." Movies: Now with emotions.

9. "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: Except Sell Christian Morality to an Undifferentiating, Unreflective Mass Audience of Faith Bound Jesus Spawns."

10. "Atonement." By the way, it's adapted from something.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Assholes and Elbows

On the Hour Britney Update
Britney Spears' car was towed and impounded recently. Nude photos of her were also recently sold to an Australian tabloid for a reported $57,000. She's also an oversexed piece of trailer trash with the cognitive ability of a butternut squash and will probably be the first against the wall if the revolution comes, assuming her naked corpse isn't found in a Burger King dumpster within the next year or so.

You Can't Say 'Prostitute' Without 'Protest'
The writer's strike continues... to not have any noticeable influence on my life outside of the joy of watching the entertainment industry swallow itself whole. Warner Bros. is expected to begin firings starting on Friday and the Golden Globes have been cut down to an hour long press conference and it looks like something similar might happen to the Oscars. And that, well, that would just be a darn shame.


I tried. Somehow I've been having trouble taking this all too seriously. All of these assholes have all had it too easy for too long. I'm sure they will have it easy again shortly and nothing substantial will change, but until then you can all fucking rot, the writers who want to be paid better for their shitty, formulaic work ("According the Jim" is off the air indefinitely? Boo fuckin' hoo) and the producers who green light any piece of shit they think will get a few extra chuckles and a couple extra million from the lobotomized mall rat demographic.

News Flash!
Amy Winehouse did some shit to her hair. She's also a malnourished junkie who is wasting her talent on childish excess and will soon be dead and hailed as a genius despite her overall insignificance.