Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Politics as Bloodsport

I don't cover politics much in this blog, but seeing as the presidential primaries have now become my favorite form of televised entertainment, I feel I should post a nod to a few interesting ongoing stories:

The Revolution Will Be Televised

Katie Couric will become the first woman to head a major news organization's convention coverage, as she will be at the top of CBS's Democratic and Republican convention team. A bold stride for women everywhere, who can now take pride in the fact that their gender has produced one of the absolute fucking worst news anchors to ever grace a national broadcast station. Did you see her recent interview with Barack Obama? She asked him the same question FOUR FUCKING TIMES! She just could not drop that shit about the surge in Iraq and kept bringing it up until Barack just got up and popped her right in the goddamned mouth. Actually, that last part didn't happen. Except in this daydream I had where Barack Obama turns out to be Teddy Roosevelt in disguise and America elects a truly badass president again.

Barack Out With Your Cock Out

In other Obama interview news, Tom Brokaw recently interviewed the junior senator and managed to repeat basically every point from David Brooks' most recent New York Times column. This would be all fine and dandy if David Brooks weren't such a blubbering asshat. Honestly, the man has one trick, which is to break up social groups into convenient demographics based on sociological data he draws by shoving a hand up his own ass and seeing what he pulls out. He then gives the group some cutesy name and cashes another hefty NYT check while wiping is sphincter with a dead Iraqi, checking to see if any other ideas fell out before he tosses the mangled corpse off into the garbage. If he isn't just outright lying in his columns, he makes points so illogical and wrongheaded that you wonder why he hasn't been put into a special home or elected to a high cabinet position yet.

Teddy Roosevelt wouldn't have put up with that kind of shit. He would just stomp up to Brokaw and karate chop him in the face until he shut the fuck up, then he would have jogged to New York and punched David Brooks so hard in the balls he would have been singing falsetto for the rest of his life.

You know that saying of Roosevelt's, "Talk softly and carry a big stick"? That wasn't a metaphor for his diplomatic tactics. It was a literal description of his favorite hobby, which was to sneak up on people and then beat them savagely with a 2 x 4.

The Whiniest Generation

McCain and his surrogates have been complaining a lot in the press about how much press coverage Obama has been receiving (take a minute to soak in that irony). They've even released an ad pointing out how popular Obama has been with the large media groups. So basically the complaint is that their opponent is more popular than they are. This in spite of a recent studies that show Obama has received more negative coverage than McCain. You know McCain just wants to shake his fist and tell that damn darkie to get off of his lawn.

I know making fun of McCain's age is supposed to be so passe, but then he really shouldn't be acting like such a crotchety old bastard. This whole campaign is basically boiling down to the Democratic Jesus vs. Old Man Withers, Who Runs the Haunted Amusement Park (I think Obama could end this race right now if he just pulled off McCain's "Zombie Senator" mask, so we can all hear that this entire campaign was just a plot to get to a chest full of Spanish doubloons that are buried under the White House).

You know who would make a better president than either of these guys? Teddy Fuckin' Roosevelt:

Fuck yeah!

Friday, July 25, 2008

Opening Today and the Top Ten

Opening Today

"Step Brothers" opens in theaters today, much to the delight of not a fucking soul. Two adult men enter a sibling rivalry when their respective single parents marry each other. It looks, feels and sounds like a contract-filler, a way for Will Ferrell and director Adam McKay to wrap up their three-picture deal with Sony. And given Ferrell's most recent string of comedies ("Blades of Glory," "Semi-Pro") it might be wise to take into account that his comedic touch might be a tad, shall we say, non-existent? I'm trying to dance around the fact that this is going to blow chunks.

Also opening is the sequel no one even realized was happening, "The X-Files: I Want to Believe." Somehow, fans of the show got really excited about this when it was announced, as if it were some sort of major event rather than a quick cash run by a group of folks who couldn't find work otherwise. Honestly, how much did the show blow the last few seasons of its existence? If you answered "Why, it blew quite a lot, didn't it?" then you are correct. And the original film was serviceable at best, hardly the beginning of a franchise. So why get worked up? Just relax and let it go. It'll be okay. Shh. Hush now.

Top Ten at the Box Office This Week

1. "The Dark Knight." Yeah, no shit. The only surprise here is that the movie made a metric assload, rather than the more conservative metric buttload that industry insiders were expecting.

2. "Mamma Mia!" I still think this is an elaborate joke that's being played on me. There is no way someone could make a romantic comedy where people break out into ABBA tunes at random moments without having gleaned the idea from my nightmare journal.

3. "Hancock." Will Smith is cheered on as he unleashes wanton destruction on an unsuspecting world, possibly by releasing a new rap album.

4. "Journey to the Center of the Earth." Brendan Fraser and some kids fall down a deep dark hole. I was all for the movie until I heard there was more to the plot than that.

5. "Hellboy II: The Golden Army." Awesome-o-Meter currently holding steady at a 6 (translates to somewhere in between "bank error in my favor" and "new Terry Pratchett novel comes out in paperback").

6. "Wall*E." Pixar is really too good to be true. I fear that one day we'll find out all the money these movies made went to a fund for Nazi child molesters who have fallen on hard times (hey, I smell a sitcom!).

7. "Space Chimps." In space, no one can hear you masturbate and fling your feces at each other.

8. "Wanted." One of these days I'm going to make the perfect action movie. It will have real stunts rather than computer generated bullshit that feels lifeless and dull. It will have a plot that will engage your brain while it keeps your pulse racing. It will combine everything that was good about "Bullitt," "Predator," "The Wild Bunch," "The Road Warrior" and "Die Hard." It will be a film so awesome that Michael Bay will kill himself during the closing credits, right after his balls explode during the burning-freight-train-crashes-into-a-pirate-ship climax. I will show it once, to a select few who can appreciate how awesome it is. Then I will lock the movie in a vault and not allow anyone to ever see it ever again, in order to punish civilization for having made "Wanted" a hit.

9. "Get Smart." You can start by watching the original series.

10. "Kung-Fu Panda." I miss kung-fu movies. Nobody makes them anymore as far as I can tell, and I wouldn't watch them if they did. Basically I just have to wait and see if whatever Stephen Chow does next is any good and maybe see if that guy from "Ong-Bak" is working on anything. Oh yeah, pandas. Right.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Dickheads and Useless Growths

Wow, That's Wacky

Andy Dick has been arrested for drug possession and sexual battery. Could you imagine being sexually battered by Andy Dick? The image just has some sort of weird R. Crumb surrealism feeling to it. Apparently he yanked up some 17-year-old girl's shirt and exposed her breasts to a bar on his way out the door and when he was pulled over by the cops later that evening they found pot 'n' pills on him. That this story didn't end with a severe roadside beating and tasering just goes to show that our law enforcement officials have their priorities all wrong.

Holy Mole

There is speculation that Sara Jessica Parker has had her trademark mole removed through cosmetic HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK WHY AM I EVEN WRITING ABOUT THIS AND WHY THE SHIT ARE YOU READING IT! JESUS!

Opening This Friday

The big news is the "The Dark Knight" will open this Friday, with the backlash occurring approximately 24 hours later.

Also opening is "Mamma Mia!," which takes place on a Greek island and is a musical full of ABBA songs. It's sort of like clinical depression, if clinical depression had choreography and a soundtrack.

Finally, like the not-so-bright cousin the older children are forced to take along with them whenever they do something fun, is "Space Chimps," a CGI kids film about talking monkeys. How original. It barely has a marketing campaign and the preview looks as if it's trying to avoid anything entertaining. I would pity parents that end up watching this with their kids, but really they have only themselves to blame.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "Hancock." Requisite Will Smith blockbuster for the summer. I'm pretty sure that this man has sold his soul for success. Nothing else explains it. He isn't that interesting of an actor, most of his movies are piddling and yet year after year he does nothing but hits. Is it worth roasting in Hell, Mr. Smith?

2. "Wall*E." Thank you for small mercies. Pixar has yet to fuck up ("Cars" was middling, but still entertaining) and this is looking to be a classic. Too bad I can't go see it without an audience full of annoying children. I sometimes think that no one under the age of 20 should be allowed into a movie theater without passing some kind of personality test first.

3. "Wanted." This film is such a juvenile male fantasy that you would almost think it were scripted by a gaggle of 10-year-old boys high on Mountain Dew and whippets. Nerdy man becomes super-assassin because he has all the skills his father had (making it "his destiny"). He also gets to date Angelia Jolie, who is a vampire (I don't mean she plays a vampire here, I just think that in reality she drinks human blood and cannot be killed by mortal weapons). The stunts are all computer-generated, so there is no sense of danger or reality, and in the end you will realize you just paid the price of a meal to watch a movie about someone who achieved a fantasy life without the slightest bit of effort, because he was special and you aren't.

4. "Get Smart." You can start by going to see something good instead of this movie.

5. "Kung Fu Panda." You know you want to see this movie. Why lie to yourself. OBEY THE PANDA!

6. "The Incredible Hulk." Still haven't seen it. Probably will eventually. You can't argue with a movie where a large green man rips a car in half.

7. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Again with This Shit?"

8. "Kit Kittredge: Pedophile Fodder."

9. "Sex and the City." This movie has herpes.

10. "You Don't Mess with the Zohan." This movie is like Jesus pissing all over your grandmother's corpse. Think about it.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Dispatches from the World of Celebrity Cocksuckery

Presidential Politics

"Actor" Stephen Baldwin has stated that he will "leave the country" if Barack Obama is elected president. Is that a promise? Did Alec put you up to this?

My Dreams Come True

Someone has finally gotten around to torturing Christopher Hitchens. The reporter, pundit and "New Atheist" nitwit had himself waterboarded for an article in Vanity Fair and came to the conclusion that, by golly, it is actually torture and not just some frat prank we've been subjecting brown people to so they'll tell us all the things we want to hear.

I respect Mr. Hitchens and his opinions. I just wish they would have taken the procedure to its logical conclusion, because while he may be a good writer, he's also a total drunken douchbag.

Workers of the World Unite Again

There have been rumblings in Hollywood of another strike, this one from the Screen Actors Guild. While experts are saying it isn't likely to go full out, what with a lack of support from the union base and the $2.5 million a day in total lost wages for the members it would cause, I'm still holding out hope. The actors going on strike would mean a complete shut-down, not just a cough and sputtering like when the writers took a leave. No new shows, no new movies. Complete collapse. $23 million-a-day loss to the California economy. It would be beautiful. I think we need a little wanton destruction like this to shake things up. I'll happily let the half-dozen or so decent actors and actresses in Hollywood go if the endless piles of hacks go with them. Did you know that Tom Cruise is a SAG member? Keanu Reeves, Adam Sandler, Ashton Kutcher? Can you imagine a couple of months of these guys not working? Don't tell me it doesn't give you that nice, warm feeling inside.