Friday, September 1, 2006

Top At the Box Office This Week

1. "Invincible," which tells the true story of a Philadelphia Eagles fan who enters an open tryout and whose dreams come true when he is selected to play for the team. Tragedy strikes when 30 years later his story is filmed as a hackneyed piece of Disney inspirational sports movie bullshit starring Mark Wahlberg.

2. "Talladega Nights: The Story of Ricky Bobby" stars Will Ferrell as a NASCAR driver. Which basically just lays out the whole thing for you right there.

3. "Little Miss Sunshine" is about.... Alan Arkin as a heroin addict? Okay, that sounds pretty cool.

4. "Beerfest" is a movie about some guys who like to drink and act like idiots. There is no actual film, just a giant mirror held up at the expected audience during each screening.

5. "World Trade Center" is the movie that shows us the inspirational, heroic side of the 9/11 tragedy so often passed over by other storytellers in the wake of the events. It's directed by Oliver Stone as he pathetically grasps for the last shreds of respect available to him.

6. "Accepted," in which a high school slacker has his ignorance and slovenly behavior rewarded after starting his own college. Anybody remember the film "Camp Nowhere"? I didn't think so.

7. "Snakes on a Plane." No, really, why is this movie important? No, really. I mean it. Why?

8. "Step Up" is some shit about a dance school. What, couldn't do something about spelling bees? Maybe throw in a FBI agent infiltrating a beauty pageant?

9. "Idlewild," in which OutKast makes a musical that is one half "Moulin Rouge" and one half a movie staring rap stars. Did this at any point sound like a good idea to anyone?

10. "Barnyard." No. Fucking. Way.

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