Friday, July 28, 2006

Gay People, Trailer Trash and Crappy Cinema

Liberace Would be Shocked
Former 'N Sync member Lance Bass has announced to the surprise of absolutely no one that he is a homosexual. Could someone explain to me why this is news?

Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are engaged to be married, a union so inherently comical it defies anyone's ability to actually make a joke about it.

Opening Today
TV-to-film adaptations move into the 1980s with the release of "Miami Vice," and thus marking another moment in which I died a little inside. "John Tucker Must Die" also opens, a teen comedy that sounds as if it was cribbed from a MySpace message board and will probably pass through theaters like a fart in the wind.

Top at the Box Office:
Too depressing to even talk about.

Monday, July 24, 2006

The Death of Mirth

The Countdown to Liberation Day Continues
Jennifer Lopez turned 37 today, that much more of her wasted, parasitic life having now slipped away.

Nerd Alert
It was revealed at the latest Comic-Con that the "Spider-Man" franchise will not end with the upcoming third installment, much to the surprise of everyone who thought insanely popular things that make hundreds of millions of dollars would have no chance at longevity.

Funny Will Just Have to Take One More Hit for the Team
"Saturday Night Live" head writer Tina Fey is leaving the show to write and star in her own series. This would come as a major disappointment to fans of the SNL, if there were any. Her new show, "30 Rock," is being produced by Loren Michaels, the Dark Angel of Comedy, He Whose Very Touch Is The Purifying Antidote to All Which Brings Us Mirth.

Friday, July 21, 2006

News You Can Use

Rock Out With Your Cock Out
The winner on the new reality series "Rock Star" will get to be the lead singer of a band called Supernova, which will consist of drummer Tommy Lee of Motley Crue, former Metallica bassist Jason Newsted and former Guns & Roses guitarist Gilby Clarke. All I can really think to say about this is HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO SUCK SO BAD, HOLY SHIT THAT IS JUST TOO MUCH! I MEAN WHAT THE HELL? WAS IZZY STRADLIN UNAVAILABLE? HAHAHAHA. COULD THERE BE A WORSE FUCKIN' BAND?

News Flash:
Kevin Smith is a shitty director.

Buttless Chaps and Pain
Somebody recently paid more than I earn in a year for a pair of Hugh Jackman's old jeans. There just aren't enough bell towers in the world...

Tuesday, July 18, 2006


Critical Cold Shoulder
The much-anticipated "Snakes on a Plane" will open without press screenings on August 17, the studio's logic being that since the audience will be the driving force behind the film, "they should be the first to see it." Which I guess is like telling us that since that bullet was intended to hit us in the chest we might as well take the bulletproof vest off.

"Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" has earned $258.4 million to date, making it the highest grossing film of the year so far. In other words, Americans have spent more than most impoverished nations receive annually in medical aid, food supplies and financial support on a movie about a lovable pirate.

Famous Person Dead
Famed crime writer Mickey Spillane died recently, tragically taken from us too soon at the age of 88. This announcement has at last put and end to the nasty rumor that he was in fact already dead.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Mediocrity and Madness

You Know...
I'm sure people whose fragile egos are tied to the lives of those more popular and attractive probably think Angelina Jolie did something interesting recently.

Looking Forward in the Film Calender:
Uma Thurman and Luke Wilson star in "My Super Ex-Dear God I Cannot Even Write This Title Without Cringing," in which a man breaks up with his girlfriend only to find she's a needy psychopath who tries to destroy his happiness. Oh yeah, and she has superpowers, so I guess it's supposed to be funny. M. Night Shyamalan's latest, "The Lady in the Water" opens on July 21, but more vital is the fact that I am now taking bets on what the twist ending will be. Odds are now 10-1 that Paul Giamatti turns out to be a murderer and/or ghost. "Clerks II" also opens that day, the much anticipated sequel to oh my god Kevin Smith is so fucking pathetic it hurts.

Monday, July 10, 2006

The Wrong Things Edited From the Wrong Movies

Social Commentary Time
Courts have ruled that third-party companies cannot edit movies for content, as such editing violates the copyright on the films. In an interview with Salt Lake City's Desert Morning News, Daniel Thompson, owner of four Cleanflix outlets, said, "I think it's ridiculous that you can't watch a movie without seeing sex, nudity or extreme violence. I don't understand why they're trying to keep that in there." Or, in an edited version of that statement: "I think it's ridiculous that you can watch a movie without seeing sex, nudity or extreme violence. I understand why they're trying to keep that in there." Or in a reworked version of that statement: "Fuckity fuckity fuck fuck fuck, kill babies, fuckity fuck fuck."

Coming Soon
Opening this week is new film by oh dear god no not the Wayans brothers. Also opening is Owen Wilson's latest attempt to pay off whoever it is blackmailing him with photos of him and a goat doing the barnyard boogie. In the new inevitable hit comedy "You, Me and Dupree," Wilson plays a somewhat overbearing wise-ass who could probably be doing better things with his life.

At the Box Office
In the box office this week, a movie about goofy pirates beat out a movie about a flying man in a skintight uniform, which was followed by a film about an overbearing boss, an film in which Adam Sandler can control reality, a film about talking cars, a comedy about Mexican wrestling and a romantic drama in which Sandra Bullock travels through time.

Thursday, July 6, 2006


It's Driving Me Nuts
The big film opening this week is the highly anticipated "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest," in which Johnny Depp once again tops the goofy meter by speaking all of his lines in Dutch and then desecrating the corpse of Barbra Stanwyck. Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley play two pieces of semi-animated cardboard that help Depp during his wacky adventures, which since he's a pirate I suppose involve rape, thievery and murder.

Go Cry, Teenager
The new album by the Dashboard Confessionals debuted at #2 on the Billboard charts this week, because people are so predictable.

On the Music Calender:
New releases are expected from blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah new Mars Volta album in August.

Clap Your Hands and Say "Blah"
Because mediocrity is something we should all pay big money to see, the "American Idols Live" tour kicked off on Wednesday, but unfortunately runner-up Katharine McPhee couldn't join the first part of the tour due to a case of severe bronchitis and laryngitis. Which, you know, is just really too bad I HOPE YOU CHOKE TO DEATH ON YOUR OWN BLOOD! ALL OF YOU! I'm sorry. I've got to get that under control.

Monday, July 3, 2006

Bad Things Happening to People I Don't Like

Talk Show Circle Jerk
Fired "The View" panelist Star Jones Reynolds' appearance on "Larry King Live" drew 3 million viewers, three times King's average audience. You know, because people like that kind of shit.

The End of an Era
NBC has recently ended its contract with the Arena Football League, proving once again that boring, unpopular and useless things just can't find a home on television.

The End of an Era, Part Deux
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are officially divorced. Their pain is funny.