Friday, December 7, 2007

Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "Enchanted." How many simpering, punalicious headlines do you think will be published above the reviews for this one? If you guessed "This is why I don't read newspapers anymore," than you are correct.


2. "Beowulf." Robert Zemeckis takes his freakish, hideous looking motion-capture animation process to pointless-albeit-goofy new heights by adapting the Old English classic to the big screen in such a way as to make it look like the cinematic sequence in a video game (you know, the part you skip over to get to the fun stuff). By the way, what is it about Neil Gaiman that causes almost everything he's written for the big screen to hit that key pitch of mediocrity that makes you forget it almost as soon as it is out of your line of sight?


3. "This Christmas." By the way, did you know that black people also celebrate Christmas? And that they can make saccharine, painfully obvious family dramas about it as well? Director Preston A. Whitmore II decides to rebound from making one of the worst movies of all time by becoming a Tyler Perry alternative.


4. "Hitman," which will go down in history as one of mankind's greatest crimes. Was there some lack of films about bald men with guns that I was not informed about? Because I was pretty sure we were all good and done with those.


5. "Awake." Hayden Christensen in the role he was born to play: Someone who is conscious yet anesthetized.


6. "Fred Claus." Concept: Santa Claus's personal life. Hollywood Strategy: Pound this concept so far into the fucking ground that you have to get a stepladder just to see the lower reaches of Hell.


7. "August Rush." Who goes to see movies like this? Is it like some sort of outpatient thing? Do they spend a lot of time crying?


8. "The Mist." The inexhaustible Stephen King back-catalog farts up another winner. It must be a little weird for Frank Darabont to be known as "the most consistent cinematic interpreter of the works of Stephen King." I guess it's better than being known as "that no-talent douche that directed 'The Majestic'."


9. "Bee Movie." Jerry Seinfield makes his triumphant return from being an retired obscenely overpaid television actor by staring in a computer animated film that exists as a pure force of marketing will. Will everyone please try to remember that Jerry Seinfield is not what made "Seinfield" a good show and that he has sucked in almost every other thing he has done before or since. As an actor he is incapable of playing anyone other than himself and as an comedian his shtick was old long before he became popular. Just something to remember the next time around, before we all go giving him the benefit of the doubt again.


10. "No Country for Old Men." A fine return to form for the Coen brothers, widely regarded as one of the best films of the year and overall a pretty bitchin' sounding piece of work. And currently earning less than every other movie on this list.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Workers of the World Unite

The Hollywood writer's strike continues. Sitcoms are closing production for lack of scripts, talk shows are dying on the vine with no material, "Saturday Night Live" is dead in the water and there is still no resolution in site. It...it...it's like heaven. Of course the writer's are right to be on the picket line, since the producers they have been negotiating with seem to have been competing in the Douchbag Olympics for the entire debacle, trying to see who can be the top asshole of the bunch. Here's the entire issue summed up for you:


Writers: "We believe we should be paid an additional 1/3 of a penny in residuals."


Producers: "I have a better idea: Why don't we just stop paying you any residuals? Now pardon me while I wipe my ass with this enormous pile of money."


In other strike related news: Ellen Degeneres is being lambasted by the striking writers for crossing the picket line to film her show. Ellen's reason for crossing the picket was that members of her audience had paid to be at the show and some had traveled across the country to be there (I guess that if you traveled across the country to see a talk show run by Ellen DeGeneres, you've probably faced enough disappointment in your life). In honor of the writers, DeGeneres chose not to do a monologue to open her show. Unfortunately, she failed to realize that appearing on television at all shows disrespect to the striking writers, not to mention, in her case, the rest of humanity.


In even more strike news, "Desperate Housewives" star Eva Longoria was taunted by the striking writers while trying to serve pizza to them on her way into work.Work of course being on the other side of the picket line. Apparently someone forgot to look up the word "solidarity" before deciding on this course of action, though the writers ought to have realized that it's an actor's second nature to pay lip service to popular causes without making any real personal sacrifice. Of course, Longoria has since decided to join the writers on the picket line. An easy choice to make, now that "Housewives" has shut down production and picketing will no longer be an inconvenience to her. I guess I shouldn't be surprised when wealthy, famous people become totally oblivious.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Famous People Are Better People

The Sorrow and the Pity
Britney Spears recently lost custody of her children to ex-husband Kevin Federline. You realize what this means, don't you? It means your life is utterly valueless to society. It means that if you died tomorrow, your whole existence would have gotten less coverage than the minor trials and tribulations of some stupid, talentless bimbo.

The Brood
In other news that will totally devalue all of our lives, Jennifer Lopez is pregnant. Just try to imagine that woman as a mother. Imagine what that child will be like. Did scenes from "Mommie Dearest" flash through your mind? I sometimes feel sorry for these children born to insufferable, overbearing celebrities who treat them like accessories for as long as they are small enough to be carried. Then I realize that the children will probably become just as awful, only with twice the sense of entitlement. Then I start dreaming of the Cold War, when nuclear holocaust was a distinct possibility. Mmm. Good times.

Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "The Game Plan." Do you realize that the man who directed this also directed "She's the Man" last year? And is directing a remake of "Fame"? Where is your god now?


2. "The Kingdom." A politically charged drama that deals with issues at the forefront of world consciousness. And an advertising campaign that practically screams, "Arabs are weird and Jamie Foxx is going to kill them all."


3. "Resident Evil: Shitty Sequel, Part Deux." Good news for the series in that director Paul W. S. Anderson did not helm this entry. Instead they got someone who used to direct music videos for the Human League. I would say that's a about a 10% improvement.


4. "Good Luck Chuck." What is it about Dane Cook that makes me want to mess up his smirking face with a broken whisky bottle?


5. "3:10 to Yuma." I have no problem with this movie. Weird.


6. "The Brave One." It's always strange when revenge films come back into popularity. This one is interesting since the tone set by the marketing campaign seems to be "she's a merciless killer out for revenge, and isn't that just special? Good for her!"


7. "Mr. Woodcock." Someone should lose a testicle for greenlighting this film.


8. "Eastern Promise." I have no problem with this movie. Double weird.


9. "Sydney White." A pretty girl exploits a bunch of unattractive nitwits in order to further her social status. At least "Revenge of the Nerds" made the losers the focus of attention. Are we not allowed to display unattractiveness in a Hollywood film anymore without having some hefty-chested cheerleader standing in front of it?


10. "Across the Universe." You know, there's a reason that it's so difficult to license the music of the Beatles for a film. It's because people fuck it up so bad, so often. Have you seen the film "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band"? If you have, you will understand why the simple existence of "Across the Universe" gives me a headache.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh joy and rapture, it's fall again, the time of year when the world dies in small, painful increments. What a perfect time for the start of the new television season and its vast cornocopia of crap. Here's a look at some of the new shows hitting us this year.


"Kid Nation"

Now here is a promising scenario: 40 kids in the a desert community with plenty of supplies and constant supervision build a "society" with pre-selected leaders and regulated social classes while also engaging in meaningless activities that ostensibly prove their worth as human beings but in fact are empty rituals. Can't imagine where they got the idea for this.


"Back to You"

Kelsey Grammer and that woman from "Everybody Loves Raymond" star in a sitcom about Pittsburg TV newscasters. Did you lapse into a slight coma while reading that? This is the sort of show that will probably last five to ten seasons without a single original thought, surviving simply because the network forgot to cancel it.


"K-Ville"

A cop show with a twist: It takes place in New Orleans. We will mention this fact over and over, because it is important. We won't make a program that depicts the city with any kind of reality, and we won't make anything better than the most mediocre, clich├ęd cop show, but just so you know: Katrina Katrina Katrina.


"Chuck" & "The Big Bang Theory"

There is nothing more awkward than watching television shows that painfully try to imitate coolness. Watching them imitate intelligence will probably end up being considered a war crime.


"Cavemen"

It's the cavemen from those Gieco commercials, in their own television show. This idea is so awful that it has actually gone past being a meta-show about awful television and come back around to just being an awful show.


"Moonlight"

He's a cop. And a vampire. Holy crap-in-a-hat do I not give a shit about this. Adding vampires to any concept on television automatically marks you as being completely and absolutely creatively bankrupt.

Friday, September 7, 2007

The Naked and the Dead

Peach Fuzz
The internet is abuzz with the story that "High School Musical" star Vanessa Hudgens was fired by Disney over some nude photos that are making the usual semen-soaked gossip site rounds. What is our obsession with seeing wholesome people naked? The psychology is so obvious that it's practically some kind of joke. Not that anyone is complaining, as this is without a doubt the finest work Hudgens has done up to this point.

Too Bad
Owen Wilson recently tried to take his own life, though after "You, Me and Dupree" who can blame him? By the way, Owen? Vertical cuts man, down the vein. Horizontal across the wrist doesn't do the job.

Pissing on the Classics
Rob "Are My Dreads Straight?" Zombie's remake of "Halloween" is cleaning up at the box office, because audiences were interested in seeing an up-and-coming director's interpretation of a classic piece of cinema. HA HA HA HA HA! Just kidding! People are sheep. The film is in general about as popular among critics as a late term abortion in their salad, yet is raking it in anyway. I could go on a diatribe about how critics are out of touch with the movie-going public and don't know how to appreciate horror films, but we all know that's a load of horseshit. The general public will see almost anything that entertains them and wouldn't know a decent horror film if one stabbed them in the fucking eye. If anything film critics in general have never really understood that slasher movies are fun. They're as formulaic as romantic comedies, but in slasher movies the irritating little bastards on the screen get what's coming to them (being a bad actor automatically volunteers you for an axe in the face in my book).

Friday, July 27, 2007

Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry." Most of Adam Sandler's comedies have been about as funny as the Bataan Death March, and this is no exception. It doesn't help that there is something about Kevin James's face that makes me want to shove it into a vat of hot frying grease until he stops wiggling.


2. "Harry Potter and the Order of the Holy Living Fuck Do I Not Give a Shit."


3. "Hairspray," which apparently is good despite all evidence to the contrary.


4. "Transformers." I've heard this is decent enough for a big dumb action film, but I'm having nasty visions of a "G.I. Joes" film adaptation running through my head.


5. "Ratatouille," Is this some sort of opposite land where solid, entertaining films are popular? What's going on here?


6. "Live Free or Die Hard." Ah. There we go.


7. "License to Wed." At what point in the creation of this film did this seem like a good idea? And why are people seeing it? WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO THIS COUNTRY? ARE YOU ALL SNIFFING PAINT? WHAT THE FUCK?!


8. "1408," in which John Cusack plays a man who meets Samuel L. Jackson while drudging the bottom of the Stephen King adaptation barrel.


9. "Even Almighty." This still exists? I thought everyone involved had had their genitals torn off by rabid badgers. Or did I just dream that?


10. "Knocked Up." Opposite world again.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Wizards and Rich Cocksuckers

In Other "Harry Potter" News:
Go fuck yourself.

In Celebrity News:
Will Smith and Tom Cruise are hosting a party to welcome some hunky dipshit soccer player and his no-talent wife to America. Expected attendees include Jim Carrey, Oprah Winfrey and some other assholes. Expect much uber-rich, self-important Hollywood cocksuckery to occur.

Opening This Week:
"Hairspray," the film adaptation of the musical adaptation of a John Waters film from the 1980s. 1980s film comedy combined with musical theater? Could the level of Idontgiveashittery be any higher?


Also opening is "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry," which is one of the worst titles imaginable for what is looking to be one of the most wretch-inducing gay panic comedies of the last couple of years or so (at least as far back as "Boat Trip"). Adam Sandler must have some sort of grudge again laughter, because he's been trying to kill it his entire career. This one is interesting because it co-stars Kevin James, who has apparently been typecast as someone who marries people who are thinner and slightly more attractive than himself. By the way, did you know that the man who directed this also directed "Problem Child"? Think about that for a moment. Try to conjure up in your mind images from that film. Now look me in the face and tell me whether or not you still believe in an all-merciful god.

Friday, July 6, 2007

A Look at Comic Book Adaptations

A massive slew of comic book adaptations is planned for the next couple of years. Having exhausted most of the major super heroes, the studios are now digging up the mass pile of second-rate comics from both DC and Marvel. Aside from the obvious sequels (the "Batman Begins" sequel, "The Dark Knight," "The Punisher 2") there is a hot steaming load of heroism coming to the screen. Here's a look at a few selections from the pile:


The most promising of the bunch is "Iron Man," which involves an armor-plated billionaire saving the world. The special effects are looking to be semi-decent and it stars the tolerable Robert Downey Jr. The director hasn't done much other than some bland, kid-friendly comedy, but at least he isn't Tim Story. Two of the screenwriters were involved with the excellent "Children of Men," but there are two others listed as well, who collectively haven't produced shit before this. We'll let this one slide for now.


In the inevitable-but-somewhat-pointless sequel department, we have "The Incredible Hulk," which ditches Ang Lee's Greek tragedy-inspired original vision for what instead is looking to be a film about a large green man who smashes things. The original cast has been replaced (really, everyone) and the director is the guy who brought us both of the "Transporter" films, which might indicate the studio wanted to take things in a different direction, i.e. dumb it down so it won't bomb this time.


There is an ass-load of lesser-known comics coming to the screen as well, with "The Sub-Mariner," "Thor," "The Flash," "Nick Fury" and "Iron Fist" all set for release between now and 2009. But what about black people? Oh yeah, "Luke Cage," which is about a really strong guy. Being really strong is kind of a boring super-power when you think of it, like being able to fly or shooting lasers out of your eyes (Superman = Most boring superhero of all time). Yeah, it gets stuff done, but it also shows a real lack of creativity.


You can almost see the thought process going on at the major studios in regards to these films: "You know, when we put interesting directors with original visions, such as Sam Raimi and Christopher Nolan in charge of these film, we got intelligent, exciting movies that ended up becoming popular franchises. Let's try to recreate that success by putting total hacks in charge of the films and giving them sub-par material! Quick, give me another line of coke before this idea train I'm riding totally derails!"


Speaking of franchise opportunities, after Brett Ratner fucked the holy living hell out of the third "X-Men" film (really, was there a character in that film they didn't totally screw up? The stoic one becomes a rash, emotional wreck; the intelligent villain comes up with the world's most retarded attack plan, the brilliant leader/mentor causes untold damage by not sparing five seconds for some exposition. And so on and so forth), I guess they decided the best way to salvage the characters was to start farming them out for prequels. Hence, "Wolverine" and "Magneto" are both planned for release in the next couple of years. "Wolverine" I can see, if you do it right (which they won't), but "Magneto"? WTF?


Here are a couple of really absurd ones: "Shazam!" (Points for being esoteric, but does anyone really think this will be good? I'm having "Thunderbirds" visions of this one), "Wonder Woman" (this belongs in the 1970s and there it should stay), "The Avengers" ("What hero should we do next?" "Ah fuck it, let's do them all"), and finally "Captain America," which in case you have forgotten was actually done once before and will look incredibly silly no matter what they do to it.


And finally, it wouldn't be a list of upcoming comic book adaptations if someone weren't planning on ruining an Alan Moore comic, in this case the seminal "Watchmen." How do I know they will screw it up, you say? Fan boys are going ape shit about it and the director is a really big fan of the comic, so why shouldn't it be good? Because fan boys go ape shit about everything and they're almost always wrong because they want to see everything adapted into a movie regardless of how it would turn out. And every director who directs a comic book adaptation says they are a big fan of the comics. That's part of the problem. They try to make a comic book instead of a movie and the thing ends up sucking more than a Dyson vacuum in a wind tunnel. In this case the director in question is Zack Snyder. Sure his last two films were big hits, but they were also stupider than a bag of hammers. His general tactic is to take something he likes and dumb it way the fuck down, whether it be "Dawn of the Dead" or "300." Sure, he can make it entertaining, but this is only provided you don't feel like thinking it through. Do you really think this is the right approach to take with one of the most critically celebrated, literate, multi-textual graphic novels of all time? Do you think having leeches attached to your testicles is a cure for headaches? Then boy do I have a movie for you.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Horror Movie Update

A remake of "Day of the Dead" is in production. Planned as a direct sequel to the 2004 remake of "Dawn of the Dead," with many of the same characters returning, the film is hoping to recreate the success of "Dawn" by slyly replacing the director and writer with much lamer substitutes, in this case the director "Halloween H20" and "Lake Placid" and the screenwriter for the entire "Final Destination" series. Would it be possible to make this any more mind-numbingly boring?


A remake of "The Creature from the Black Lagoon" is in the works for 2008. Originally, Guillermo del Toro was attached to this as director, but I guess someone decided that would just be too impossibly awesome for words and came up with the bright idea of having the guy who directed a multimillion dollar "Indiana Jones" wannabe piece of shit flop staring Matthew McConaughey take the helm. The writer at least has a better track record, if you count a popular Tom Hanks comedy from the 1980s a track record.


The classic 1980s slasher film "Prom Night" is also being remade (it was inevitable at this point, wasn't it?), despite the fact that the original was such a dull non-entity that it would hardly make any difference if you called it a remake or not. They did decide to try something new with this remake though. You see, they took a forgotten horror film they owned the rights to, had a random hack shit out an update screenplay, hired a dull as dishwater television director to helm it and populated the cast with oversexed WB rejects willing to whore themselves to whatever artistically dubious project might bring them the chance for even the most fleeting bit of fame. Certainly, nobody has tried doing this before?

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Reel Life Prison Hoes

Prison is a Bitch
Paris Hilton was ordered to go back to prison recently to complete her sentence, because apparently the judge didn't believe that being a spoiled, whiny little bitch was a legitimate medical concern.

Coming Soon:
June 15th brings us "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer," the shitty sequel to the shitty original. So it seems that an alien entity known as the Silver Surfer shows up on Earth to herald the coming of the planet devouring Galactus and it is up to the Fantastic Four to stop them, but they run into trouble when their old nemesis Dr. Doom shows up. Then things really get wild when Snoop Dog joins the party!


It's as if Marvel has decided to just dump all of their worn out, worthless comics into one franchise and put the man who directed "Taxi" at the helm. I'm not going to be interested until they throw in Moon Knight or the Sub-Mariner. Hawkeye, baby. That's what I'm talking about. Maybe a little Doctor Strange action. Little bit of She-Hulk while we're at it.


Opening June 22 is the sequel to "Bruce Almighty," "Evan Almighty," which has become the most expensive comedy ever produced and makes me stomach sick in a very magical way.


June 29 brings us the fourth "Die Hard" film, "Live Free or Die Hard." Did you know that there is also a "Transformers" movie coming out as well as another "Rambo" film? WHY ARE WE TRYING TO RELIVE THE 1980's! THEY SUCKED THE FIRST TIME AND THEY ARE SUCKING EVEN MORE NOW!


Also opening is the new Michael Moore documentary, "Sicko," which will cause a lot of controversy and arguments and then will be basically forgotten in a year or two because it really isn't all that interesting and he has nothing relevant to add to any argument, just like all of his other films.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

All the Important Stuff

Science News
Scientists have discovered some female sharks apparently can give birth without the assistance of a male partner. So Jesus came back as a hammerhead? Who saw that coming? Maybe the Methodists, but I think everyone else got blindsided.

American Idolatry
American Idol has oh my god THE SQUIRRELS ARE BACK INSIDE OF MY BRAIN!

This Week:
John Mayer is/is not banging Jessica Simpson (circle appropriate).

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "Spider-Man 3," in which Spider-Man faces off against Venom, the Sandman, the New Goblin and Sam Raimi's complete inability to direct honest human drama.


2. "Disturbia." You do realize this is just a teen version of "Rear Window," don't you? You do? Well, okay then.


3. "Fracture" in which Anthony Hopkins WILL EAT YOUR FACE!


4. "The Invisible." Wow, the jokes just write themselves on this one. Basically, it's like "Ghost," only more emotastic.


5. "Next." So is making a shitty Philip K. Dick adaptation like a Hollywood right of passage now? As is standard for these films, they nab the gimmick and skip the subversive paranoia. Though it is nice to see that Nicolas Cage has stopped trying to be a real actor and gone back to selling his soul to the highest bidder.


6. "Lucky You." Has there ever been a film about poker, or even just gambling in general, that didn't make me die a little inside just thinking about it?


7. "Meet the Robinsons," in which Disney tries again to do computer animation without Pixar, and hey guess what? They made another soulless piece of bargain bin shit.


8. "Blades of Glory," a film based on the theory that Will Ferrell doing anything at all is funny.


9. "Hot Fuzz." HOPE FOR THE FUTURE OF COMEDIC FILMMAKING!


10. "Are We Done Yet?" FUCK!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Dead People and Racism

Dead Famous People
Kurt Vonnegut died at the age of 84 yesterday. He can now look forward to a lucrative career of having his dead image exploited to sell credit cards or some such crap. "When you're unstuck in time and the lights go out..."

The Dead Rise
Willa Ford will play Anna Nicole Smith in a new film about the recently desceased gold-digging whore. I believe she has everything needed for the role: Tits, blonde hair, no brain and the acting ability of a dead goat.

Race War Clusterfuck
There's been a big stink up about someone I've never heard named Don Imus of calling a female basketball team composed mostly of African-American's "nappy-headed hoes." He didn't make it much better for himself by groveling to anyone who would let him, begging to be forgiven by the likes of Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson, who aren't going to let such an juicy target off so easy. It's so much simpler when the person making racist, degrading comments about a woman is a person of a different skin color. Not so easy to hold, say, the men with tracks on the Billboard Hip-Hop charts up to the same standards.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Stuff is Happening

Death Becomes Her
Anna Nicole Smith's diaries from 1992 and 1994 have been sold on eBay for $500,000 total. To rephrase that, someone spent half a million dollars to read the private thoughts of a person who, according to all visible evidence, had no brain. This is where the fall of the empire begins, this moment. If barbarians aren't sacking the capital by next Tuesday, I am going to be very disappointed.

Fantasia
In other news involving the printed word: The son of J.R.R. Tolkien (he doesn't actually have a name, he's just "that 'Lord of the Rings' guy's son") has finished the last book by his father, "The Children of Hurin," using his father's notes. I'm sure it will be just fantastic. Though I do find it a little interesting that he only decided to publish this after the film adaptations of "Lord of the Rings" trilogy made billions of dollars. And that nobody is actually talking about the book itself, just the possible film adaptation. And that J.R.R. Tolkien was not that great of a writer and that his son has been basically publishing any old crap that was left on his dad's desk for going on thirty years now.

Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "TMNT," i.e. a new computer animated version of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Will they completely miss the irony of the subject? Will the 1980s actually happen again? We'll just have to see.


2. "300," a film which has caused a bit of a dust up, apparently because it kind of sucks, but is popular regardless. Oh yeah, and Iran think it's anti-Iranian propaganda, which would be completely absurd except for the fact that it kind of is. It's hard to miss since the film makes the Persians (of which the Iranians are the remnants) come off as preening pansies that are taunted by the Spartan heroes as being "boy-lovers." Which when you think about it is kind of an absurd thing for a Spartan to taunt someone about since Spartan society was about as gay as a San Francisco gay pride parade on international "Fuck a Man in the Ass" day. I mean, these guys were REALLY gay. When your ideal measure of beauty is "the pert round butt cheeks of a fair-haired male youth," you are dealing with some hardcore rainbow-flag-waving motherfuckers. Oh yeah, and the Spartans eliminated all family ties in preference of ties to the State, were stone morons when it came to battlefield tactics and were defeated by the Persians whenever the Persians had a general with half a brain. They were war-worshipping uberjock fascists whose idea of a romantic wedding night was to shave their wife's head so she would look more manish and then bang her prison style. It was like an entire society made up of Texas high school football teams, only without the repression. And it was actually the Athenians who defeated the Persians in the end. Funny how none of that made it into the film.


3. "Shooter" which stars Mark Wahlberg as a bad ass, the role he was born to never, ever play.


4. "Wild Hogs." It's like someone took everything that is not funny in this world and put it in a movie. Honestly, this looks about as laugh inducing as a late-term abortion.


5. "The Last Mimzy." We can only hope.


6. "The Hills Have Eyes 2." The sequel to the remake of the film that already had a sequel, but not a remake of the sequel to the original film. Got that? Who gives a fuck, they hired a music video director to shoot it and it came out about a shitty as expected.


7. "Premonition." I'm looking into the future and seeing another piece of semi-supernatural crap with Sandra Bullock in it.


8. "Reign Over Me," in which Adam Sandler continues his attempt to be taken seriously, in between his attempts to make bank by producing/starring in comedies so tediously unfunny that they actually suck the joy out of other films showing in the same theater.


9. "Pride" combines the "coach turns ragtag team into champions" plot with the "teacher turns tough inner city kids into talented winners" plot, along with a dash of the "inspirational true story" plot to make some sort of ultra-boring Super Plot.


10. "Dead Silence." AKA "Ventriloquist Dolls Are Creepy When They Move by Themselves, Here is a Movie About It."

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Oscar Notes

I know I'm a little late on this, but here's some thoughts on the Oscar Ceremony:


1. Did you notice how when the ceremony started, members of the audience were standing up and applauding no one in particular? I know that award shows are supposed to be orgies of self-congratulation, but is there really any reason to be such cocksuckers about it? At least they got Errol Morris to do a cool little intro before the ceremony, though it took me a minute before I realized I wasn't watching a Mac ad.


2. So, Ellen DeGeneres, eh? Sure, whatever, at least she managed to go through most of the night without being terrible or making me cringe. Though you know it does not bode well for you as an award ceremony if Ellen DeGeneres comes off like a breath of fresh air.


3. Jack Nicholson looks like a penis. Just thought I would throw that out there.


4. So "Pan's Labyrinth" wins an assload of tech awards and is nominated for best screenplay but does not win the Best Foreign Language award? Fucking Germans.


5. I think I threw up a little bit when the words "interpretive dance" were spoken out loud.


6. So Jessica Hudson gets an award and Peter O'Toole gets the shaft again. Not that he really deserved it this year. I think at this point the Academy is just nominating him out of spite.


7. Celine Dion, WTF? What necromancer did they have to contact to get her to perform? And what exactly does she have to do with Ennio Morricone? I did like the way Clint Eastwood Alzhimered his way through his tribute. You could tell Ennio was impressed (for those not watching, through most of the ceremony his face looked like someone had just taken a dump in his breakfast).


8. Scorsese finally gets his Oscar, though it's for a film everyone seems to know is not his best work, which means it's more like an apology than an award. The best picture win is no big surprise, since it was basically a crapshoot (though "Little Miss Sunshine" didn't have a chance. You know the last time a comedy won best picture at the Oscars? 1977).


9. Acting awards went to people playing national leaders: a charismatic, homicidal cannibal and Idi Amehn, respectively.


10. Those fucking dancing penguins won an Oscar. If I had children, I would rather take them to a snuff film then have them see "Happy Feet."

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Time Keeps on Slipping

Quick Question
Okay, entire population of the world, show of hands: Who here has NOT fucked Anna Nicole Smith? Anyone?

Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Norbit." So it's finally happened: Eddie Murphy has been paid $20 million dollars to fuck himself on screen, and people are willingly paying to see it.


2. "Hannibal Rising." Does anyone actually give a shit about Hannibal Lector outside of "Silence of the Lambs"? And he really wasn't even the villain in that. So...why?


3. "Because I Said So." Great. A movie about someone's mom getting it on. Just the thing to lift my spirits in these dark months.


4. "The Messengers." Sounds pretty cool, looks kind of creepy. Wait, PG-13? Fuck it.


5. "Night at the Museum." Why do movies like this even exist? "Because it's so nice to have a movie we can take the kids to." Oh yeah, that lame fucking excuse. Listen, instead of taking your kids out to see this brain-rotting piece of garbage why don't you just take them out back and beat them with a shovel for an hour and a half. They'll be quite afterwards and it will do about the same amount of damage to their future development potential.


6. "Epic Movie." "You know all those shitty blockbusters that came out in the last year? Here are some scenes from them with different actors. Oh yeah, and it's supposed to be funny."


7. "Smokin' Aces." Bunch of people with bad hair and guns and the acting ability of lukewarm pork shoot at stuff and exchange swear words for an hour and a half of poorly thought out plotting. I AM SO THERE!


8. "Pan's Labyrinth." Fan boys around the world are wetting their pants around this.


9. "Dreamgirls," which was nominated for a few Oscars, but was surprisingly shut out of most of the major categories, apparently for the unfortunate flaw of not being all that good.


10. "The Queen." If the Academy Awards had a specific set of rules for the type of movie that is always going to be nominated for an Oscar, this would meet most of the criteria. If I had a specific set of rules for the kind of film that evokes absolutely no emotional response from me, it would meet most of those as well.

A Look At Upcoming Films This Year
"The Hills Have Eyes II," the "Are We There Yet?" sequel "Are We Done Yet?," "Shrek the Third," "Ocean's Thirteen," "Hostel: Part II," "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer," the "Bruce Almighty" sequel "Evan Almighty," "Live Free or Die Hard" ("Die Hard 4"), "The Bourne Ultimatum," "Rush Hour 3," "Resident Evil: Extinction," "Saw IV," "National Treasure: Book of Secrets" and "Alien vs. Predator: AVP2."


Also expected in the next year:

Horror Film Remakes: 3

Video Game Adaptations: 2

Stephen King Adaptations: 2

Adaptations of Old Cartoon Shows: 3

Movies with Cuba Gooding Jr. in Them: 3

Movies Directed By Ben Affleck: 1

Movies About Football: 2

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Death Surrounds Us

Dead Famous People
As I'm sure you have all heard, many times from many different sources, Anna Nicole Smith was found dead recently. Apparently we are supposed to care about this. Apparently this is more important for us to know about than the fact that our country is gearing up to invade Iran while the Vice President has a good chance of being indicted and convicted of blowing a CIA agent's cover. Apparently we are all supposed to pretend that Anna Nicole Smith was a person of some value to our society, rather than a brain-dead, gold-digging leech. I don't mean to be insensitive...Okay, wait, actually I do. I could not possibly give less of a shit about her. She was a living monument to everything that is sick and wrong in our society. The only reason I'm not glad she's dead is that I'm not really that cruel of a person. Also, if she were still alive I would not have to deal with the insufferable, meaningless and over-hyped tabloid bullshit about her death.

Nothing Else On
The 2007 Grammy awards are on the way. A dozen award presentations scattered over three hours of shitty rock bands, forced and awkward duets and tired performances by bland, aging pop stars. Couldn't we just drop the pretense of this being an award ceremony and just call it a big, mainstream record company circle jerk that for some reason is being televised?

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

OSCARS!!!!!!!!!

Gold Statue Time
The Academy Award Nomina..........sorry, blacked out there for a sec. Here are the nominees for the top awards:


Best Picture:

1. "The Queen," which like the royalty it depicts is elegant, classy, and something that I do not even give the slightest bit of a fuck about.

2. "Babel" which as I have stated is one of the two best films of this year I will never, not even at knifepoint have any compelling desire to see.

3. "The Departed." This is the other.

4. "Letters from Iwo Jima," which is this year prerequisite Eastwood film.

5. "Little Miss Sunshine." HOW THE FUCK DID THIS END UP THERE? I mean I heard it was good, but WTF?


Best Director:

1. Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, "Babel." I do not care about this director on a profound level.

2. Martin Scorsese, "The Departed." I lost money on him a couple years ago and now I'm just totally pissed at him.

3. Clint Eastwood, "Letters from Iwo Jima." Why do all of Eastwood's recent films just make me want to OD on sedatives and slip into a nice, relaxed coma?

4. Stephan Frears, "The Queen." Snarky_comment_not_found.

5. Paul Greengrass, "United 93." Prerequisite Bold Choice.


Best Actor:

1. Leonardo DiCaprio, "Blood Diamond." Whoops, puked a little.

2. Ryan Gosling, "Half Nelson." Teacher. Drug Habit. Inner City. He's a shoe-in.

3. Peter O'Toole, "Venus." Have you seen the poster for this? O'Toole looks like one of the living dead.

4. Will SmitAHHHHHHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!

5. Forest Whitaker, "The Last King of Scotland." He plays Idi Amin? Cool.


Best Actress:

1. Penelope Cruz, "Volver." Some shit with a ghost. I totally missed it.

2. Judi Dench, "Notes on a Scandal." Is there some clause in Dench's contract that she has to be nominated for an Oscar no matter what she stars in?

3. Helen Mirren, "The Queen." AKA "The Simon Cowell Story."

4. Meryl whoop-de-fucking-doo Streep in some shit based on a crappy book.

5. Kate Winslet, "Little Children." Are they not even trying over there at the Academy?

Other Highlights:
An "American Idol" loser got nominated for Best Supporting Actress; A movie about dancing penguins got nominated for Best Animated Film; a film that was largely improvised was nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay; an honorary award is going to a man who used electric guitars to score westerns; Al Gore got nominated for an Oscar.

In Other News:
Members of the church's leadership recently called Tom Cruise the "Christ" of Scientology. Like Christ, Cruise has spread his beliefs across the land, has been unpopular with the majority religions and eventually will be nailed to a piece of wood in public, will descend into Hell and then will appear to his followers three days later in the form of ghostly visions. I am also coming to suspect that, like Jesus, Cruise is in fact just a figment of someone's imagination.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Pretty People, Ugly Souls

Romance Abounds
Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz have confirmed that I don't give a shit. It is rumored that Scarlett Johansson who really gives a flying fuck?

Hail Oprah
On an upcoming Oprah special, three Oscar winners will interview their favorite Oscar winners in a big, fat Hollywood circle jerk of fun. Julia Roberts chose to interview George Clooney, Nicole Kidman chose fellow Australian nutcase Russell Crowe and Jamie Foxx chose to interview Sidney Poitier. So let me get this straight: Roberts and Kidman chose to talk to a pair of Hollywood heartthrobs while Foxx chose to speak to a highly respected actor and a civil rights hero. There is some kind of painful disparity here that I just can't seem to put into words.

Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Night at the Museum," which is about a dim witted security guard working in a museum in which the displays come to holy living fuck does this sound inane.


2. "The Pursuit of Happyness" which is the inspirational film with the spelling error in the title and a concept so heartwarming I just want to step on something small and defenseless.


3. "Children of Men." Apparently one of the best films of the year with a cool sci-fi concept that might actually get my ass over to the video store once it comes out on DVD (it takes a hell of a lot to get me to the theaters these days).


4. "Freedom Writers" Hilary Swank stars in another entry in an exhausting series of films about teachers who inspire troubled students to make something of their lives but generally inspire me to bore into my own skull with a power drill.


5. "Dreamgirls," which has garnered a lot of mass-produced hype and is looking at getting some awards this year despite the fact that the filmmakers decided to stick to the classic Motown tradition of prefabricated, factory created hits that tend to sound a lot alike over time.


6. "Happily N'Ever After," which is like the "Shrek" films, minus the humor, originality, entertainment value and irritating voice talent. Okay, so that last one is a positive, but it still doesn't make me want to see this piece of shit.


7. "Charlotte's Web," which is kind of creeping me the fuck out, the more I think about it.


8. "The Good Shepherd," which is about the CIA and directed by Robert De Niro and has Angelina Jolie (who makes me a little uncomfortable) and sounds kind of boring so I can see why it's a hit.


9. "Rocky Balboa," which has been pretty successful and has garnered some critical acclaim, which is making me start to think that I've stepped into Opposite World, where good is bad and bad is good.


10. "We Are Marshall," because we all know that Football + Tragedy = Overcoming Adversity = Inspirational Filmmaking = I Would Rather Pull Out My Own Toenails With A Rusty Pair of Pliers Than Go To See This.