Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Magic Powers and Painful Memories

The Anti-Christ of Comedy
The new Adam Sandler film "Click" has topped the box office since its release, grossing $40 million during its opening weekend and once again proving that God is dead and the Devil dances on his grave, celebrating the conquest of the world he can now form into another Hell.

J.K. Rowlings mentioned in an interview that two major characters will die in who the fuck cares and why is this even news?

Superman is Dead
"Superman Returns" opens tomorrow, reintroducing the world's blandest hero to the big screen and giving us all a chance to wonder what horrible, life-crippling thing will happen to star Brandon Routh. I mean really, isn't playing Superman basically like taking a hit out on yourself? George Reeves got multiple gunshots to the head, Christopher Reeve had his whole horse accident/depressing wheelchair person thing, Dean Cain had to be Dean Cain for the rest of his life and Tom Welling had his body taken over by a symbiotic fungus that now controls his thoughts (and his perverted appetites. You know what I'm talking about). I'd say there's about a one in ten chance that Routh ends up with his head on a pike in some Eastern European war zone.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Lunacy Abounds

Boll-ed Over
"Alone in the Dark" director Uwe Boll has challenged his critics to fight him in a boxing ring in what would be a filmed bout, apparently because he is angry over an online petition with over 13,000 signatures from people who want him to stop making films. While some think it might be easier for the man who made "House of the Dead" to JUST STOP MAKING SHITTY MOVIES, apparently Mr. Boll needs thousands of people to punch him in the face in order to get the point.

Queen Bitch Tits Update
Britney Spears probably did something trashy and mundane today, like chew tobacco while breast feeding in public, or give her child a mullet, or finish half a pack of Marlboros during a cell phone call to the Psychic Friends Hotline. I'm sure you'll hear all about it in People next week.

On the Dead Tree Front:
Here are the top five books in the New York Times Bestsellers List (Hardcover Fiction): A shitty book by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child, a shitty book by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, a shitty book by Patricia Cornwell, a shitty book by James Patterson and Peter De Jonge and, topping the list, a shitty book by Dean Koontz.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Because Things Celebrities Say Are Important

Opening This Week
Adam Sandler stars in a new film so mundane that no one can seem to remember the name of it or what it is about, other than that the US government is optioning the film to be used as a psychological weapon. A fictionalized account of what happens to Guantanamo Bay prisoners is scheduled for release this Friday, but is matched in its ability to disturb by the release of a new documentary about Leonard Cohen.

Rich Person Breeds
In an interview recently, Angelina Jolie admits that she was "terrified" while giving birth to her daughter, though not nearly as terrified as the rest of us are at the thought of Angelina Jolie breeding.

Coming Soon...
The "Ghost Rider" comic books will get the big screen treatment, starring... Nicholas Cage? And directed by the guy who directed "Daredevil"? And it's getting released in February? Dammit. Coming in April is the latest edition of Michael Bay's personal endeavor to take a big, fat, honkin' shit on all my favorite horror movies, this time with a remake of "The Hitcher." IS NOTHING SACRED TO YOU, YOU BASTARD? CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE GOOD ENOUGH ALONE?

Smiley face time :)

Friday, June 16, 2006

Celebrities Are Just Plain Better Than You

News Flash
Paris Hilton has inexplicably stayed popular for another day.

Cruise Control (please kill me)
Tom Cruise topped the Forbes Celebrity 100 list this week, beating out the Rolling Stones and Oprah Winfrey for the top spot. Cruise reports a fortune estimated at around $67 million dollars, leading a nation to ask that, now that he has all this money, just maybe he could STOP ACTING PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOU ARE SO TERRIBLE AND YOU CREEP EVERYONE THE FUCK OUT, PLEASE WE BEG YOU JUST GO AWAY!

In Less Important News...
Marvel Comics has brought some controversy upon themselves when in a new edition of the "Spider-Man" comic book, Spider-Man who gives a shit it's just a comic book.

Celebs Speak Out
Kevin Spacey said recently in an interview that after winning an Oscar for "American Beauty" he was "...no longer interested in his personal career" and was no longer trying to top himself as an actor. Which after "K-Pax," "Pay It Forward," "United States of Leland," "The Life of David Gale" and "Beyond the Sea" just kind of goes without saying now doesn't it Kevin, hmm?

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Geriatric Rockathon

Funkin' With Yr Head
The Red Hot Chili Pepper's new album, "Stadium Arcadium" has stayed in the Billboard top five since its release, proving once again the band's staying power. The haunting possibility of seeing 60-year-old men wearing nothing but tube socks on their schlongs performing in front of a live audience is now guaranteed to send shudders through an entire generation.

The New York Times Book Review made a controversial decision recently to have John Dean, the disbarred counsel for Richard Nixon, review the memoirs of Deep Throat. This follows other contentious reviews published by the Times, such as having the latest Ann Coulter book reviewed by Mumia Abul-Jamal, the new Philip Roth novel reviewed by a panel of National Organization for Women members, and an overview of the cookbooks of Rachel Ray written by Ingrid E. Newkirk

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Hot, Hot Meat

Death by Pirate
The world eagerly awaits the release of the sequel to 'Pirates of the Caribbean' which is rumored to contain, in a bit of unscripted ad-libbing, a scene in which Johnny Depp bites the head off of a live spider monkey. Production was held up on the film when it was discovered that co-star Orlando Bloom is not in fact an actor, but an advanced scabies infection.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie welcomed the birth of their first child, just barely avoiding a 6/06/06 birthday and thus forestalling the apocalypse for another millennium.

Vince Vaughn, Mutant
'X-Men: The Last Stand' lost its top spot in the box office (and lost me $50) with the release of the Jennifer Aniston/Vince Vaughn romantic comedy, 'The Break-Up,' which sucked up the highly profitable lobotomized demographic for the weekend. With this, Peyton Reed wins round four of the Battle of the Hack Directors, topping Bret Ratner's stiff, pedantic mutant-fest with an hour and a half of lukewarm, tabloid-promoted romantic idiocy that involves Jen and Vince cutting aluminum siding with rusty hacksaws, or acting, or engaging in some other equally odious activity.

Coming Soon, Leaving Quickly
Looking at next week's releases: 'The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift' once again demonstrates the law of diminishing returns as The Film That Couldn't Even Get Paul Walker To Star In It, I Mean For The Love of God, Paul Walker Did Not Even Want To Be In This Film, Can You Fucking Believe It? Meanwhile, 'Nacho Libre' combines Jack Black and Mexican wrestling in what promises to be one of the most bleak, grisly visions of existentialist horror since 'Warum lauft Herr R. Amok?'. 'Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties' finishes off the blockbuster trifecta with a movie so phenomenally unnecessary that it will potentially cause a rift in the fabric of reality, sucking itself and anyone who views it into a infinite black hole of incomprehensible nothingness.