Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "Apocalypto," the new film from the drunken little anti-Semite who could. So Mel, maybe you can answer this for me, how do you say "I don't give a fuck" in Mayan?

2. "Happy Feet," which is about dancing...penguins. Dancing...penguins. Penguins...that dance. I swear to all merciful God there are not enough bell towers in the world.

3. "The Holiday," from the director of "Cookie Cutter Romantic Comedy in Which Jack Nicholson Tries to Bang Diane Keaton" and "Painfully Awful Romantic Comedy in Which Mel Gibson Tries to Bang Helen Hunt."

4. "Casino Royale." Bond is Back, and He's as Not Pierce Fucking Brosnan as Ever.

5. "Blood Diamond," an action film about an under-recognized, terrify aspect of the diamond industry that I don't really care all that much about. Somehow Leonardo DiCaprio just makes it impossible to take human suffering seriously. Especially with that accent.

6. "Déjà Vu." It stars Denzel Washington! It has a plot!

7. "Unaccompanied Minors," the film with the trailer that just sucks the soul right out of me.

8. "The Nativity Story," which tells the story of the birth of everyone's favorite fictional character, Jesus.

9. "Deck the Halls," which is about, I don't know, Christmas or something. Some stuff happens and it has Danny DeVito in it.

10. "The Santa Clause 3." Could you possibly think of a concept blander this film? It's like they found a way to convert spackle into a plot.