Friday, December 7, 2007

Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "Enchanted." How many simpering, punalicious headlines do you think will be published above the reviews for this one? If you guessed "This is why I don't read newspapers anymore," than you are correct.

2. "Beowulf." Robert Zemeckis takes his freakish, hideous looking motion-capture animation process to pointless-albeit-goofy new heights by adapting the Old English classic to the big screen in such a way as to make it look like the cinematic sequence in a video game (you know, the part you skip over to get to the fun stuff). By the way, what is it about Neil Gaiman that causes almost everything he's written for the big screen to hit that key pitch of mediocrity that makes you forget it almost as soon as it is out of your line of sight?

3. "This Christmas." By the way, did you know that black people also celebrate Christmas? And that they can make saccharine, painfully obvious family dramas about it as well? Director Preston A. Whitmore II decides to rebound from making one of the worst movies of all time by becoming a Tyler Perry alternative.

4. "Hitman," which will go down in history as one of mankind's greatest crimes. Was there some lack of films about bald men with guns that I was not informed about? Because I was pretty sure we were all good and done with those.

5. "Awake." Hayden Christensen in the role he was born to play: Someone who is conscious yet anesthetized.

6. "Fred Claus." Concept: Santa Claus's personal life. Hollywood Strategy: Pound this concept so far into the fucking ground that you have to get a stepladder just to see the lower reaches of Hell.

7. "August Rush." Who goes to see movies like this? Is it like some sort of outpatient thing? Do they spend a lot of time crying?

8. "The Mist." The inexhaustible Stephen King back-catalog farts up another winner. It must be a little weird for Frank Darabont to be known as "the most consistent cinematic interpreter of the works of Stephen King." I guess it's better than being known as "that no-talent douche that directed 'The Majestic'."

9. "Bee Movie." Jerry Seinfield makes his triumphant return from being an retired obscenely overpaid television actor by staring in a computer animated film that exists as a pure force of marketing will. Will everyone please try to remember that Jerry Seinfield is not what made "Seinfield" a good show and that he has sucked in almost every other thing he has done before or since. As an actor he is incapable of playing anyone other than himself and as an comedian his shtick was old long before he became popular. Just something to remember the next time around, before we all go giving him the benefit of the doubt again.

10. "No Country for Old Men." A fine return to form for the Coen brothers, widely regarded as one of the best films of the year and overall a pretty bitchin' sounding piece of work. And currently earning less than every other movie on this list.