Friday, October 20, 2006

My Own Private Hell, With Jokes

Guess What!
Did you know that one of Laurence Fishburn's first significant acting roles was as Cowboy Curtis on "Pee-Wee's Playhouse"? The man went from "Apocalypse Now" to "The Matrix" and in between played a cowboy on a children's show that starred a porn addict and featured a talking chair. This really isn't news, but it's been bugging me so I figured I would throw it out there.

Opening Today:
"Flags of Our Fathers," a film about the famous Iwo Jima flag-raising photo, subject matter so moving and patriotic that it makes me want to shove my head in a bucket of boiling water.

"Flicka." (Disturbingly hot adolescent girl+horse)/family ranch in trouble= I will cut off my own dick before I would willing see this movie.

"The Prestige": Because you can never have too much of 19th century magicians in a single film-going year.

"Running with Scissors." Is anyone else made unaccountably uncomfortable by the poster for this film?

"Marie Antoinette," in which Kirsten Dunst gets all crazy French decadent with her bad self before some wacky revolutionaries cut her head off. I am so there.

Top at the Box Office This Week:
1. "The Grudge 2," which concerns an American film studio that has convinced an occasionally talented Japanese director to direct watered down remakes of his own films so as to shamelessly cash in on the Asian horror trend.

2. "The Departed," which will go down as the best film of the year that I care absolutely nothing about.

3. "Man of the Year." It's a comedy! With Robin Williams! Those two statements cannot coexist in a rational world!

4. "Open Season": Testing the limits of how many CGI films involving domesticated animals lost in the wild the market can support.

5. "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning." Why must everything I love be tied to the back of a truck and drug through a field of shit for the amusement of others?

6. "The Marine," which looks like they took a bunch of random action film plots and played Boggle with them until something resembling a movie came out. Christ, you would almost think this was being produced by the WWE. Wait...fuck.

7. "The Guardian." Kevin Costner in an action film about the Coast Guard. Are we actually regressing back into the 1980s? Has anyone told Duran Duran yet? Comeback tour, baby, I'm telling you.

8. "Employee of the Month." I'm boycotting this movie as it's just perpetuating the awful rumor that Dane Cook is actually funny.

9. "One Night with the King." Where the fuck did this come from? Tells the story of Esther, who becomes the queen of Persia after who gives a flying fuck. Fox cashes in on Christianity by making Bible stories on the cheap.

10. "Jackass Number Two." Oh, I get it. The title is a poop joke. How clever.

Monday, October 9, 2006

I Will Never Laugh Again

God Wills That it Will Suck
The budget for the upcoming film "Evan Almighty" has skyrocketed to an estimated $175 million, making it the most expensive comedy ever filmed. That's right, a studio is actually spending enough money to keep 4,375 families fed and clothed for a year on a sequel to "Bruce Almighty." Doesn't that just kind of make you want to bash your own head in with a brick? I'm not kidding. This news story has given me an honest desire to take a brick in my right hand and bring it down hard on my own cranium over and over again for as long as I am capable of doing it. Because there is no irony left in the world. None. This news story has officially killed irony.

News in the News
Dan Rather stated recently in an interview that major media outlets often cave into political and marketing pressure when deciding what news to cover and how to cover it. Thanks for the fuckin' story, Dan. We hadn't guessed. In an unrelated story, former FCC Chairman Reed Hundt stated that Rupert Murdoch exerts an unusual amount of control over the editorial content of Fox News and his other media companies. No goddamned shit, dude, really? Fox News is actually the American arm of a massive corporate-conservative propaganda machine controlled with an iron fist by a ruthless capitalist billionaire who has stated on record that he is willing to sell his version of reality to the highest bidder? You must be 'shrooming. Honestly though, is it like Obvious Day or something? Did I miss the memo?

Guess What!
Did you hear that Jada Pinkett Smith started a heavy metal band? No shit dude, I looked it up on Google. Do you know what they're called? They're called Wicked Wisdom. I am not kidding. Irony is dead.