Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Year of the Suck: 2008 Oscar Nominations

For the most part, 2008 was a piece of crap year for everything. Sure, we got a decent president, but the effect of that didn't really start until 2009. So I think we can really just write off the whole last years as "not worth fuck all." Just a big black mark in the history books where 2008 should be, "Not worth a tick-riddled dog dick" written over it.

So with that image in mind, here is the most recent batch of Oscar nominations. May our sins be forgiven.

Best Picture
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button": A man is born an old man, ages backwards, then dies as a child. Commentary on human condition: Not really. Any lasting significance: No.
"Frost/Nixon": My money's on Nixon. Frost is younger, but ol' Tricky Dick is a wily one.
"Milk": A very average movie telling an interesting story.
"The Reader": Kate Winslet seems to have made a career out of sleeping with young men. It also has Nazis.
"Slumdog Millionaire": A film so full of feel-goodness that you just want to bloody well punch a nun after seeing it.

Best Director
David Fincher, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button": David Fincher can go suck a curly cock for all I care about him. He has a lot of style hiding a lack of ideas and the majority of his filmography is like a depressing wart sitting in the memories of my cinematic experiences.
Ron Howard, "Frost/Nixon": Ron Howard was nominated for a film that isn't a saccharine, happy-time whitewashing of history? Lord be praised.
Gus Van Sant, "Milk": These days, I'm just happy when Van Sant directs a film that doesn't make me want to strangle him with his own internal organs.
Stephen Daldry, "The Reader": I'm trying really, really hard to care about this film's existence as if it actually matters. It's hard, because it doesn't.
Danny Boyle, "Slumdog Millionaire": The least objectionable choice, though I wish Boyle would go back to making movies about heroin-addicted zombies. Not that I want to typecast him for those films, I just think there should be more of them.

Best Actor
Richard Jenkins, "The Visitor": Apparently it has something to say about illegal immigrants living with real people.
Frank Langella, "Frost/Nixon": I guess he's pretty Nixony.
Sean Penn, "Milk": Do you really need to nominate anyone else? We all know how this is going to turn out.
Brad Pitt, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button": This is some sort of bad omen.
Mickey Rourke, "The Wrestler": This is worse.

Best Actress
Anne Hathaway, "Rachel Getting Married": Maybe my desire to see her win is related to my desire to bone her stupid. I'll have to talk to my bookie.
Angelina Jolie, "Changeling": I hear she drinks the blood of kittens.
Melissa Leo, "Frozen River": She smuggles stuff and it's cold. Awesome.
Meryl Streep, "Doubt": I just realized that Streep hasn't actually won an Oscar since 1982. Needs more cancer roles, I say.
Kate Winslet, "The Reader": At this point I think Winslet's movie career is just an excuse to bang teenagers.

Best Original Screenplay
"Happy-Go-Lucky": Wanted to see it, missed it, will probably never see it.
"Frozen River": Yeah, really cold, poor people, Eskimos. Gotcha.
"In Bruges": The only thing I care about even slightly this entire award season.
"Milk": Wow, someone came up with the idea of a heartwarming story of human struggle overcoming adversity? The air feels so much fresher now.
"Wall*E": Yeah, why the fuck not?

Best Adapted Screenplay
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button": I doubt F. Scott Fitzgerald would recognize his short story in this film. Though I doubt F. Scott Fitzgerald would recognize his own face in the mirror during much of his hazy waking life, what with it being caked with his own 90 proof gin vomit. He's also dead.
"Frost/Nixon": Now the "Presley/Nixon" tapes, that would be a good story. Nixon: "Jews....(garbled)...fuckers...all out to get me." Elvis: "BLAAAGGH!"
"Doubt": You know, apparently some people have doubts. And some people thought this would be an interesting idea for a movie.
"The Reader": So?
"Slumdog Millionaire": Yeah, sure. Fuck it. Fuck it all.