In Dead Child News
A former schoolteacher was arrested in Thailand in association with the JonBenet OHHMYGOD MY BRAIN IS EXPLODING AGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
In Living Child News
Millions of people are wondering what has become of the demon offspring of Tom Cruise and his brood mare, Katie Holmes. Some tabloids have even speculated that the child might be disfigured. That anyone really wants to, or believes they have any right to see this child does not bode well for us as a species.
In Former Child News
Haley Joel Osment was charged with drunk driving and drug possession. The charges are related to the child star's car crash last month. Much like Mel Gibson's famous outburst, Osment had a few interesting things to tell the police upon their arrival to the crash, particularly: "HOLY SHIT MY RIBS ARE BROKEN, JESUS CHRIST CALL AN AMBULANCE!"