Monday, August 28, 2006

Popular People Saying Things

Do You Think This Will Hurt His Career?
Paramount has ended a production deal with Tom Cruise due to his personal behavior. Apparently just being a shitty actor who is obscenely overpaid wasn't enough. Jerry Bruckheimer has stood up to defend Cruise, saying he is "still one of the biggest stars in the world" as if the opinion of the man brought us "Kangaroo Jack" counts for absolutely anything.

Fat Guy Stands Up for Jews
Rob Reiner has called upon Mel Gibson to apologize for the film "The Passion of the Christ" on the grounds that it's anti-Semitic. In response, I have called upon Rob Reiner to apologize for every movie he made between 1997 and 2005, on the grounds that they were shit.

What a Bitch
Fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld has criticized Jessica Simpson and Pete Doherty as having no taste or style (thanks for the news flash, boy-o). For the record, Lagerfeld is part of the fashion movement that has single-handedly advanced one of the most disgusting, unhealthy and insidious images of female sexuality in human history.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Kids Drink the Darndest Things

In Dead Child News
A former schoolteacher was arrested in Thailand in association with the JonBenet OHHMYGOD MY BRAIN IS EXPLODING AGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

In Living Child News
Millions of people are wondering what has become of the demon offspring of Tom Cruise and his brood mare, Katie Holmes. Some tabloids have even speculated that the child might be disfigured. That anyone really wants to, or believes they have any right to see this child does not bode well for us as a species.

In Former Child News
Haley Joel Osment was charged with drunk driving and drug possession. The charges are related to the child star's car crash last month. Much like Mel Gibson's famous outburst, Osment had a few interesting things to tell the police upon their arrival to the crash, particularly: "HOLY SHIT MY RIBS ARE BROKEN, JESUS CHRIST CALL AN AMBULANCE!"

Friday, August 4, 2006

Comings and Goings

One Down
Rob Schneider has announced that he will never work with Mel Gibson, following Gibson's recent anti-Semitic remarks during a DUI arrest. Many agree that this is a positive step for Schneider, bringing him closer to the day in which he will no longer work with anyone ever again.

Guess What, Internet:
"Snakes on a Plane" is going to suck, and you know it deep in your empty little blogger heart.

Coming Soon:
September 1 brings us a Hollywood remake of "The Wicker Man," starring Nicolas DEAR GOD WHY WON'T HE JUST STOP Cage. "DOA: Dead or Alive" opens on September 8, bringing another goddamned video game adaptation to the big screen and sending obsessive fan boys up in arms over the casting or some such useless bullshit, even though you know those nerdy fuckers will be jacking off to the female stars and their skimpy costumes, crying as they do it over what sad, wasted little lives they lead. September 22 starts with another "Jackass" movie, which brings the endless appeal of watching Johnny Knoxville being whacked in the balls back to the silver screen.

Tuesday, August 1, 2006

Booze is Good Food

In Crazy Drunkard News
Mel Gibson has apologized for anti-Semitic remarks made during is arrest for drunk driving, stating HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO FUNNY YOU'VE GOT TO HEAR THIS "Please know from my heart that I am not an anti-Semite. I am not a bigot." HAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT A FUCKING RETARD! Gibson also apologized for the sexist remarks he made during the arrest YOU CALLED A POLICEWOMAN "SUGAR TITS" DURING YOUR ARREST! GOOD WORK THERE, BRAINIAC, YOU'RE LUCKY YOU DIDN'T END UP WITH A BILLY CLUB SHOVED UP YOUR ASS. After the incident, ABC announced they were dropping an mini-series produced by Gibson's production company that was to take place during the Holocaust THANK YOU MERCIFUL GOD though in a statement from the network the reason for dropping the project was that it had been two years and no finished script had been presented CREATIVE JUICES NOT FLOWING FOR YOU MEL? SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME THINKING THOSE DISGUSTING GAY JOKES YOU'RE ALWAYS MAKING, PERHAPS? I HOPE YOU CHOKE.

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You
Will Ferrell as a race car driver, Robin Williams as an unfunny DJ, a group of unknown actresses as horror movie slaughter-fodder and Kevin James in an animated film that apparently went all the way through production without anyone realizing that male cows do not have udders.