Friday, December 29, 2006

Total Mental Capacity of People Mentioned in This Post = nil

Dead Famous People
Gerald Ford, a former one-term, unelected U.S. president, recently died tragically at the tender age of 93. Doctors cited cause of death as being "he was really fucking old, what did you expect?" James Brown also passed into the netherworld this week, making the world that much less funky. By "less funky" we mean of course "containing one less drug abusing geriatric."

Crap Actor Buffet
Justin Timberlake apparently refused to take acting classes to prepare for his role in an upcoming film, "Alpha Dog," preferring to rely on lessons he received as a child. Half-forgotten tips from a decade ago and limited experience ought to put him right on level with co-stars Bruce Willis and Sharon Stone.

The End of an Era
The most popular Britney Spears fansite,, has closed down. The reason for the closure, according to the creators, is that Britney is "over," which is a little confusing to me as I've always thought that for something to be "over" it has to, you know, "begin."

Friday, December 22, 2006

Celebrities Are Just So Awesome

Battlefield Earth Redux
Victoria Beckham has signed up for a role in a new film about Scientology that will be funded by Tom Cruise. The film, entitled "The Thetan," has reportedly been turned down by every major film studio. Ha? I'm sorry, but there is no joke or snide comment I can make about this story that will make it sound any more ridiculous than it already does. I mean it basically sounds like "The Passion of the Christ" without the built-in audience, it'll bomb something serious if it really does get released and will end up being nothing more than an artistic punch line for the rest of film history. If Tom Cruise weren't such a colossal douchbag, I'd almost feel sorry for him.

News Flash:
Britney Spears' vagina.

The Karma Strike Team Catches Up
So Judith Regan, the mastermind behind the "Maybe I Did Kill My Wife" O.J. Simpson shitfest of last month, was fired for some anti-Semitic remarks she apparently made. The obvious joke being that they needed an excuse to fire a soulless, immoral executive who is single handedly responsible for taking the publishing business to depths so abysmal they were starting to pound on the roof of Hell like a cranky upstairs neighbor.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "Apocalypto," the new film from the drunken little anti-Semite who could. So Mel, maybe you can answer this for me, how do you say "I don't give a fuck" in Mayan?

2. "Happy Feet," which is about dancing...penguins. Dancing...penguins. Penguins...that dance. I swear to all merciful God there are not enough bell towers in the world.

3. "The Holiday," from the director of "Cookie Cutter Romantic Comedy in Which Jack Nicholson Tries to Bang Diane Keaton" and "Painfully Awful Romantic Comedy in Which Mel Gibson Tries to Bang Helen Hunt."

4. "Casino Royale." Bond is Back, and He's as Not Pierce Fucking Brosnan as Ever.

5. "Blood Diamond," an action film about an under-recognized, terrify aspect of the diamond industry that I don't really care all that much about. Somehow Leonardo DiCaprio just makes it impossible to take human suffering seriously. Especially with that accent.

6. "Déjà Vu." It stars Denzel Washington! It has a plot!

7. "Unaccompanied Minors," the film with the trailer that just sucks the soul right out of me.

8. "The Nativity Story," which tells the story of the birth of everyone's favorite fictional character, Jesus.

9. "Deck the Halls," which is about, I don't know, Christmas or something. Some stuff happens and it has Danny DeVito in it.

10. "The Santa Clause 3." Could you possibly think of a concept blander this film? It's like they found a way to convert spackle into a plot.