Saturday, June 10, 2006

Hot, Hot Meat

Death by Pirate
The world eagerly awaits the release of the sequel to 'Pirates of the Caribbean' which is rumored to contain, in a bit of unscripted ad-libbing, a scene in which Johnny Depp bites the head off of a live spider monkey. Production was held up on the film when it was discovered that co-star Orlando Bloom is not in fact an actor, but an advanced scabies infection.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie welcomed the birth of their first child, just barely avoiding a 6/06/06 birthday and thus forestalling the apocalypse for another millennium.

Vince Vaughn, Mutant
'X-Men: The Last Stand' lost its top spot in the box office (and lost me $50) with the release of the Jennifer Aniston/Vince Vaughn romantic comedy, 'The Break-Up,' which sucked up the highly profitable lobotomized demographic for the weekend. With this, Peyton Reed wins round four of the Battle of the Hack Directors, topping Bret Ratner's stiff, pedantic mutant-fest with an hour and a half of lukewarm, tabloid-promoted romantic idiocy that involves Jen and Vince cutting aluminum siding with rusty hacksaws, or acting, or engaging in some other equally odious activity.

Coming Soon, Leaving Quickly
Looking at next week's releases: 'The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift' once again demonstrates the law of diminishing returns as The Film That Couldn't Even Get Paul Walker To Star In It, I Mean For The Love of God, Paul Walker Did Not Even Want To Be In This Film, Can You Fucking Believe It? Meanwhile, 'Nacho Libre' combines Jack Black and Mexican wrestling in what promises to be one of the most bleak, grisly visions of existentialist horror since 'Warum lauft Herr R. Amok?'. 'Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties' finishes off the blockbuster trifecta with a movie so phenomenally unnecessary that it will potentially cause a rift in the fabric of reality, sucking itself and anyone who views it into a infinite black hole of incomprehensible nothingness.

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