Opening This Week:
"Disaster Movie." I'm pretty sure this was approved due to a horrible mistake on the studio's part. These films are to humor what AIDS is to Africa.
"Babylon A.D." "Children of Men"-lite for the bang-bang-go-boom crowd. It doesn't look half-bad for what it is, but I'm beginning to suspect that Vin Diesel must have some sort of clause in his contract stating that he has to jump from an exploding plane while strapped to a snowboard and firing a machine gun in every movie he appears in. I'm interested in seeing how that plays out in his upcoming Hannibal biopic (maybe jumping off an exploding elephant while strapped to a canoe and throwing a spear. Just an idea, Vin).
"College." Three high school seniors are in for a wild weekend when they visit a local college. They meet with an academic adviser, tour campus and begin work on their applications while weighing the option to attend the school or to look into financial aid so they can afford something out of state. Then they puke on themselves.
Top at the Box Office:
1. "Tropic Thunder." Little bit of a dust-up over this film regarding its use of the word "retard." Protesting the film seems to have worked wonders.
Just a quick note though: Using the word "retard" when referring to a person with a particular mental disability is cruel and mean-spirited. Using the word in its actual sense, which means "slow or limited in intellectual development," is a pretty funny synonym for "stupid." For example: "Protesting a comedy because it satirically used the word 'retard' is kind of retarded."
2. "The House Bunny." Speaking of retarded...
3. "Death Race." Bang, kaboom, whoop de fuck. If it doesn't have David Carradine with a grenade for a hand, then I don't really give a shit.
4. "The Dark Knight." Do you remember "Batman & Robin"? I guess by that standard this is the greatest thing to happen in all of cinematic history. But by most other standards it's a decent action film with one iconic performance that will inspire way too many Halloween costumes this year.
5. "Star Wars: The Clone Wars." Is it okay for me to say I don't really care all that much about "Star Wars"? Because I really don't. The original trilogy was pretty entertaining, to a point. But anything that has been associated to them since has been like some kind of weird anti-fun, causing joy to be sucked out of my life every time I encounter it.
6. "The Pineapple Express." Hey, Harold & Kumar! This is how you make a fuckin' stoner movie. Please pay attention.
7. "Mirrors." If you've seen the trailer then you can guess at this film's one spooky little trick it has to scare people with, which it no doubt drives into the ground. Looks about as frightening as a box of donut holes.
8. "Mamma Mia!" You can't stop it. The disease is inside of you.
9. "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor." Whenever I look at the ads for this movie, I can't focus on them. It's like when the people in the movie "Dark City" try to remember if they've ever seen daylight. My consciousness won't accept that this film exists even though my memory tells me otherwise.
10. "The Longshots." Fred Durst directed this. By seeing this movie, you are directly supporting the career of Fred Durst. Mull that over for a moment and then consider doing some charity work as a way to protect your immortal soul.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Random Prick Assault Force
Who Watches the Watchmen? No One
20th Century Fox has engaged in what industry insiders generally refer to as a "dick move" and filed suit against Warner Bros. to stop the release of the highly anticipated "Watchmen" adaptation. Not to just get a cut of the profits, but to actually keep the multi-million dollar production from ever seeing the light of day. This suit is in regards to a spat over the adaptation rights, which Fox claims it still owned. They of course didn't decide to work this out before the much publicized film went into production, instead waiting until after it was completed and slated for a Spring 2009 release before suing.
Personally I couldn't really give less of a shit. I have no great hopes for the film right now and am one of the few people around who still thinks that some stories just aren't worth turning into movies, especially ones that are so tied into their original medium. But then again, Kevin Smith has seen the film and says it's going to be great, and we all know that Kevin Smith's taste in cinema is unimpeachable.
Here I am employing sarcasm to indicate that I do not actually think that highly of Kevin Smith's cinematic taste, and in fact think that everything the man says or does in his life ought to be struck from human memory.
Five Bees for a Quarter
John McCain had a fairly interesting gaffe recently. When asked at a press conference how many homes he owns, his response was that he couldn't remember and that he would have his staff check for him. Pundits are still split on which fact is more disturbing: That McCain can't remember how many homes he owns or that he has to have staff members go and count them for him.
So can someone explain to me why the Republicans have decided to nominate Grandpa Simpson to be their candidate for the nation's top office? A crotchety, hot-headed war hero who exaggerates his accomplishments, often outright lies and seems to have a slim grasp of current events doesn't strike me as being an entirely stable choice. He's referred to Vladimir Putin as the president of Germany, doesn't seem to know the difference between Sunni and Shia Muslims and has on multiple occasions referred to Czechoslovakia as if it were a current country, rather than one that split into two countries in 1993. One of these days I expect him to come out and tell the story about how he took the ferry to Shelbyville, because he needed to get a new heel on his shoe. So he tied an onion to his belt, as was the style at the time. They didn't have any white onions, because of the war. All they had were those big yellow ones...
20th Century Fox has engaged in what industry insiders generally refer to as a "dick move" and filed suit against Warner Bros. to stop the release of the highly anticipated "Watchmen" adaptation. Not to just get a cut of the profits, but to actually keep the multi-million dollar production from ever seeing the light of day. This suit is in regards to a spat over the adaptation rights, which Fox claims it still owned. They of course didn't decide to work this out before the much publicized film went into production, instead waiting until after it was completed and slated for a Spring 2009 release before suing.
Personally I couldn't really give less of a shit. I have no great hopes for the film right now and am one of the few people around who still thinks that some stories just aren't worth turning into movies, especially ones that are so tied into their original medium. But then again, Kevin Smith has seen the film and says it's going to be great, and we all know that Kevin Smith's taste in cinema is unimpeachable.
Here I am employing sarcasm to indicate that I do not actually think that highly of Kevin Smith's cinematic taste, and in fact think that everything the man says or does in his life ought to be struck from human memory.
Five Bees for a Quarter
John McCain had a fairly interesting gaffe recently. When asked at a press conference how many homes he owns, his response was that he couldn't remember and that he would have his staff check for him. Pundits are still split on which fact is more disturbing: That McCain can't remember how many homes he owns or that he has to have staff members go and count them for him.
So can someone explain to me why the Republicans have decided to nominate Grandpa Simpson to be their candidate for the nation's top office? A crotchety, hot-headed war hero who exaggerates his accomplishments, often outright lies and seems to have a slim grasp of current events doesn't strike me as being an entirely stable choice. He's referred to Vladimir Putin as the president of Germany, doesn't seem to know the difference between Sunni and Shia Muslims and has on multiple occasions referred to Czechoslovakia as if it were a current country, rather than one that split into two countries in 1993. One of these days I expect him to come out and tell the story about how he took the ferry to Shelbyville, because he needed to get a new heel on his shoe. So he tied an onion to his belt, as was the style at the time. They didn't have any white onions, because of the war. All they had were those big yellow ones...
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Dead Celebrity Hammer Throw
Fuck Multiculturalism
The big news in entertainment this week has been the veritable nationalistic orgy of the Beijing Olympics, which are about as exciting to me as clipping my toenails. Of course our whole nation is cheering on Michael Phelps, the gold-medal-winning machine of a swimmer. Swimming is basically an elaborate way to not sink under the water and drown; Phelps does it very quickly.
Do you remember during the Athens Olympics when Australian swimmer Ian Thorp said Phelps would never beat Mark Spitz's gold medal record? Apparently Phelps told Thorp to "go suck a dick" and has proceeded to wipe him out of the record books, and is now on track to exceed the Spitz record, powering his swimming performance on the gasoline of pure hate.
And that is truly what the Olympic games are all about.
Dead Celeb Coral
Couple of famous deaths this last week. Comedian Bernie Mac died of complications from pneumonia, while soul artist Isaac Hayes just up and died. In order to gauge my feelings about these events for you, let me updated my Death Response Priority List. In descending order of importance: Immediate family, close friends, pets, casual acquaintances, fictional characters, celebrities that I don't know personally, anonymous Chinese earthquake victims.
In response to Hayes' death, his former employers Matt Stone and Trey Parker had this to say: "Blippity bloppity blew Ron Paul."
Tom Cruise is a Penis
Tom Cruise has apparently been written out of an upcoming action film he was set to star in because he was considered too old to be a bankable action hero and that he no longer justifies his large paycheck. Since age has not stopped Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford, Clint Eastwood, Nicolas Cage or any number of other hobbling old coots from playing the hero role, it stands to reason that the real purpose for removing Cruise from a project is that he is in fact a large walking penis that squawks in something resembling a human dialect. His attempts to get a fourth "Mission: Impossible" film off the ground have also met with problems, since no one seems interested in creating a multi-million dollar vanity project starring a third-rate punchline who resembles an anthropomorphized genitalia.
The big news in entertainment this week has been the veritable nationalistic orgy of the Beijing Olympics, which are about as exciting to me as clipping my toenails. Of course our whole nation is cheering on Michael Phelps, the gold-medal-winning machine of a swimmer. Swimming is basically an elaborate way to not sink under the water and drown; Phelps does it very quickly.
Do you remember during the Athens Olympics when Australian swimmer Ian Thorp said Phelps would never beat Mark Spitz's gold medal record? Apparently Phelps told Thorp to "go suck a dick" and has proceeded to wipe him out of the record books, and is now on track to exceed the Spitz record, powering his swimming performance on the gasoline of pure hate.
And that is truly what the Olympic games are all about.
Dead Celeb Coral
Couple of famous deaths this last week. Comedian Bernie Mac died of complications from pneumonia, while soul artist Isaac Hayes just up and died. In order to gauge my feelings about these events for you, let me updated my Death Response Priority List. In descending order of importance: Immediate family, close friends, pets, casual acquaintances, fictional characters, celebrities that I don't know personally, anonymous Chinese earthquake victims.
In response to Hayes' death, his former employers Matt Stone and Trey Parker had this to say: "Blippity bloppity blew Ron Paul."
Tom Cruise is a Penis
Tom Cruise has apparently been written out of an upcoming action film he was set to star in because he was considered too old to be a bankable action hero and that he no longer justifies his large paycheck. Since age has not stopped Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford, Clint Eastwood, Nicolas Cage or any number of other hobbling old coots from playing the hero role, it stands to reason that the real purpose for removing Cruise from a project is that he is in fact a large walking penis that squawks in something resembling a human dialect. His attempts to get a fourth "Mission: Impossible" film off the ground have also met with problems, since no one seems interested in creating a multi-million dollar vanity project starring a third-rate punchline who resembles an anthropomorphized genitalia.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Coming Soon
Here's a look at a few of the cinematic tidbits that are ready to expand our film-loving pallet:
August 8: "Pineapple Express." A stoner action-comedy full of laughs and violence. Who could possibly be the audience for this? The trailer actually makes it look interesting and the cast is spot on, so this might be something to look forward to, though I'm still scratching my head as to how David Gordon Green ended up directing it.
Also opening is "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2," which will give the other end of the marketing spectrum something to watch. It stars a bunch of women in their mid-20s as college freshmen who must go through the loves and frustrations involved with being contractually obligated to do a sequel they have no interest in.
August 15: "Star Wars: Clone Wars." An animated gap filler for the trilogy of prequels, this exists as a simple testament to the gullibility of science fiction fans and of George Lucas' pure and unabashed hatred for all that is good and pure in this world.
Also opening is "Tropic Thunder," which stars Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. as action stars who end up acting as real soldiers for some oppressed peasant-folk. Sounds great doesn't it? It certainly isn't an unabashed rip-off of "The Three Amigos," right? It will most definitely not be an embarrassingly ham-fisted sub-satire, like "Zoolander" or "Cable Guy," the last two films Stiller directed himself, right?
August 21: "Death Race." Director: Paul W.S. Anderson. Synopsis: A "not-really" remake of the cult classic, "Death Race 2000." Status: Will suck worse than a Dyson vacuum.
Also opening is "Hamlet 2," which looks to be this year's requisite middling indie comedy hit. The soundtrack will sell well at least. They always do with these films.
August 28: "Disaster Movie." A more apt title has yet to be logged into the history of cinema.
Also opening is "College," which is a comedy. About college. You can fill in the rest from there.
August 8: "Pineapple Express." A stoner action-comedy full of laughs and violence. Who could possibly be the audience for this? The trailer actually makes it look interesting and the cast is spot on, so this might be something to look forward to, though I'm still scratching my head as to how David Gordon Green ended up directing it.
Also opening is "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2," which will give the other end of the marketing spectrum something to watch. It stars a bunch of women in their mid-20s as college freshmen who must go through the loves and frustrations involved with being contractually obligated to do a sequel they have no interest in.
August 15: "Star Wars: Clone Wars." An animated gap filler for the trilogy of prequels, this exists as a simple testament to the gullibility of science fiction fans and of George Lucas' pure and unabashed hatred for all that is good and pure in this world.
Also opening is "Tropic Thunder," which stars Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. as action stars who end up acting as real soldiers for some oppressed peasant-folk. Sounds great doesn't it? It certainly isn't an unabashed rip-off of "The Three Amigos," right? It will most definitely not be an embarrassingly ham-fisted sub-satire, like "Zoolander" or "Cable Guy," the last two films Stiller directed himself, right?
August 21: "Death Race." Director: Paul W.S. Anderson. Synopsis: A "not-really" remake of the cult classic, "Death Race 2000." Status: Will suck worse than a Dyson vacuum.
Also opening is "Hamlet 2," which looks to be this year's requisite middling indie comedy hit. The soundtrack will sell well at least. They always do with these films.
August 28: "Disaster Movie." A more apt title has yet to be logged into the history of cinema.
Also opening is "College," which is a comedy. About college. You can fill in the rest from there.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Politics as Bloodsport
I don't cover politics much in this blog, but seeing as the presidential primaries have now become my favorite form of televised entertainment, I feel I should post a nod to a few interesting ongoing stories:
The Revolution Will Be Televised
Katie Couric will become the first woman to head a major news organization's convention coverage, as she will be at the top of CBS's Democratic and Republican convention team. A bold stride for women everywhere, who can now take pride in the fact that their gender has produced one of the absolute fucking worst news anchors to ever grace a national broadcast station. Did you see her recent interview with Barack Obama? She asked him the same question FOUR FUCKING TIMES! She just could not drop that shit about the surge in Iraq and kept bringing it up until Barack just got up and popped her right in the goddamned mouth. Actually, that last part didn't happen. Except in this daydream I had where Barack Obama turns out to be Teddy Roosevelt in disguise and America elects a truly badass president again.
Barack Out With Your Cock Out
In other Obama interview news, Tom Brokaw recently interviewed the junior senator and managed to repeat basically every point from David Brooks' most recent New York Times column. This would be all fine and dandy if David Brooks weren't such a blubbering asshat. Honestly, the man has one trick, which is to break up social groups into convenient demographics based on sociological data he draws by shoving a hand up his own ass and seeing what he pulls out. He then gives the group some cutesy name and cashes another hefty NYT check while wiping is sphincter with a dead Iraqi, checking to see if any other ideas fell out before he tosses the mangled corpse off into the garbage. If he isn't just outright lying in his columns, he makes points so illogical and wrongheaded that you wonder why he hasn't been put into a special home or elected to a high cabinet position yet.
Teddy Roosevelt wouldn't have put up with that kind of shit. He would just stomp up to Brokaw and karate chop him in the face until he shut the fuck up, then he would have jogged to New York and punched David Brooks so hard in the balls he would have been singing falsetto for the rest of his life.
You know that saying of Roosevelt's, "Talk softly and carry a big stick"? That wasn't a metaphor for his diplomatic tactics. It was a literal description of his favorite hobby, which was to sneak up on people and then beat them savagely with a 2 x 4.
The Whiniest Generation
McCain and his surrogates have been complaining a lot in the press about how much press coverage Obama has been receiving (take a minute to soak in that irony). They've even released an ad pointing out how popular Obama has been with the large media groups. So basically the complaint is that their opponent is more popular than they are. This in spite of a recent studies that show Obama has received more negative coverage than McCain. You know McCain just wants to shake his fist and tell that damn darkie to get off of his lawn.
I know making fun of McCain's age is supposed to be so passe, but then he really shouldn't be acting like such a crotchety old bastard. This whole campaign is basically boiling down to the Democratic Jesus vs. Old Man Withers, Who Runs the Haunted Amusement Park (I think Obama could end this race right now if he just pulled off McCain's "Zombie Senator" mask, so we can all hear that this entire campaign was just a plot to get to a chest full of Spanish doubloons that are buried under the White House).
You know who would make a better president than either of these guys? Teddy Fuckin' Roosevelt:
Fuck yeah!
The Revolution Will Be Televised
Katie Couric will become the first woman to head a major news organization's convention coverage, as she will be at the top of CBS's Democratic and Republican convention team. A bold stride for women everywhere, who can now take pride in the fact that their gender has produced one of the absolute fucking worst news anchors to ever grace a national broadcast station. Did you see her recent interview with Barack Obama? She asked him the same question FOUR FUCKING TIMES! She just could not drop that shit about the surge in Iraq and kept bringing it up until Barack just got up and popped her right in the goddamned mouth. Actually, that last part didn't happen. Except in this daydream I had where Barack Obama turns out to be Teddy Roosevelt in disguise and America elects a truly badass president again.
Barack Out With Your Cock Out
In other Obama interview news, Tom Brokaw recently interviewed the junior senator and managed to repeat basically every point from David Brooks' most recent New York Times column. This would be all fine and dandy if David Brooks weren't such a blubbering asshat. Honestly, the man has one trick, which is to break up social groups into convenient demographics based on sociological data he draws by shoving a hand up his own ass and seeing what he pulls out. He then gives the group some cutesy name and cashes another hefty NYT check while wiping is sphincter with a dead Iraqi, checking to see if any other ideas fell out before he tosses the mangled corpse off into the garbage. If he isn't just outright lying in his columns, he makes points so illogical and wrongheaded that you wonder why he hasn't been put into a special home or elected to a high cabinet position yet.
Teddy Roosevelt wouldn't have put up with that kind of shit. He would just stomp up to Brokaw and karate chop him in the face until he shut the fuck up, then he would have jogged to New York and punched David Brooks so hard in the balls he would have been singing falsetto for the rest of his life.
You know that saying of Roosevelt's, "Talk softly and carry a big stick"? That wasn't a metaphor for his diplomatic tactics. It was a literal description of his favorite hobby, which was to sneak up on people and then beat them savagely with a 2 x 4.
The Whiniest Generation
McCain and his surrogates have been complaining a lot in the press about how much press coverage Obama has been receiving (take a minute to soak in that irony). They've even released an ad pointing out how popular Obama has been with the large media groups. So basically the complaint is that their opponent is more popular than they are. This in spite of a recent studies that show Obama has received more negative coverage than McCain. You know McCain just wants to shake his fist and tell that damn darkie to get off of his lawn.
I know making fun of McCain's age is supposed to be so passe, but then he really shouldn't be acting like such a crotchety old bastard. This whole campaign is basically boiling down to the Democratic Jesus vs. Old Man Withers, Who Runs the Haunted Amusement Park (I think Obama could end this race right now if he just pulled off McCain's "Zombie Senator" mask, so we can all hear that this entire campaign was just a plot to get to a chest full of Spanish doubloons that are buried under the White House).
You know who would make a better president than either of these guys? Teddy Fuckin' Roosevelt:
Fuck yeah!
Friday, July 25, 2008
Opening Today and the Top Ten
Opening Today
"Step Brothers" opens in theaters today, much to the delight of not a fucking soul. Two adult men enter a sibling rivalry when their respective single parents marry each other. It looks, feels and sounds like a contract-filler, a way for Will Ferrell and director Adam McKay to wrap up their three-picture deal with Sony. And given Ferrell's most recent string of comedies ("Blades of Glory," "Semi-Pro") it might be wise to take into account that his comedic touch might be a tad, shall we say, non-existent? I'm trying to dance around the fact that this is going to blow chunks.
Also opening is the sequel no one even realized was happening, "The X-Files: I Want to Believe." Somehow, fans of the show got really excited about this when it was announced, as if it were some sort of major event rather than a quick cash run by a group of folks who couldn't find work otherwise. Honestly, how much did the show blow the last few seasons of its existence? If you answered "Why, it blew quite a lot, didn't it?" then you are correct. And the original film was serviceable at best, hardly the beginning of a franchise. So why get worked up? Just relax and let it go. It'll be okay. Shh. Hush now.
Top Ten at the Box Office This Week
1. "The Dark Knight." Yeah, no shit. The only surprise here is that the movie made a metric assload, rather than the more conservative metric buttload that industry insiders were expecting.
2. "Mamma Mia!" I still think this is an elaborate joke that's being played on me. There is no way someone could make a romantic comedy where people break out into ABBA tunes at random moments without having gleaned the idea from my nightmare journal.
3. "Hancock." Will Smith is cheered on as he unleashes wanton destruction on an unsuspecting world, possibly by releasing a new rap album.
4. "Journey to the Center of the Earth." Brendan Fraser and some kids fall down a deep dark hole. I was all for the movie until I heard there was more to the plot than that.
5. "Hellboy II: The Golden Army." Awesome-o-Meter currently holding steady at a 6 (translates to somewhere in between "bank error in my favor" and "new Terry Pratchett novel comes out in paperback").
6. "Wall*E." Pixar is really too good to be true. I fear that one day we'll find out all the money these movies made went to a fund for Nazi child molesters who have fallen on hard times (hey, I smell a sitcom!).
7. "Space Chimps." In space, no one can hear you masturbate and fling your feces at each other.
8. "Wanted." One of these days I'm going to make the perfect action movie. It will have real stunts rather than computer generated bullshit that feels lifeless and dull. It will have a plot that will engage your brain while it keeps your pulse racing. It will combine everything that was good about "Bullitt," "Predator," "The Wild Bunch," "The Road Warrior" and "Die Hard." It will be a film so awesome that Michael Bay will kill himself during the closing credits, right after his balls explode during the burning-freight-train-crashes-into-a-pirate-ship climax. I will show it once, to a select few who can appreciate how awesome it is. Then I will lock the movie in a vault and not allow anyone to ever see it ever again, in order to punish civilization for having made "Wanted" a hit.
9. "Get Smart." You can start by watching the original series.
10. "Kung-Fu Panda." I miss kung-fu movies. Nobody makes them anymore as far as I can tell, and I wouldn't watch them if they did. Basically I just have to wait and see if whatever Stephen Chow does next is any good and maybe see if that guy from "Ong-Bak" is working on anything. Oh yeah, pandas. Right.
"Step Brothers" opens in theaters today, much to the delight of not a fucking soul. Two adult men enter a sibling rivalry when their respective single parents marry each other. It looks, feels and sounds like a contract-filler, a way for Will Ferrell and director Adam McKay to wrap up their three-picture deal with Sony. And given Ferrell's most recent string of comedies ("Blades of Glory," "Semi-Pro") it might be wise to take into account that his comedic touch might be a tad, shall we say, non-existent? I'm trying to dance around the fact that this is going to blow chunks.
Also opening is the sequel no one even realized was happening, "The X-Files: I Want to Believe." Somehow, fans of the show got really excited about this when it was announced, as if it were some sort of major event rather than a quick cash run by a group of folks who couldn't find work otherwise. Honestly, how much did the show blow the last few seasons of its existence? If you answered "Why, it blew quite a lot, didn't it?" then you are correct. And the original film was serviceable at best, hardly the beginning of a franchise. So why get worked up? Just relax and let it go. It'll be okay. Shh. Hush now.
Top Ten at the Box Office This Week
1. "The Dark Knight." Yeah, no shit. The only surprise here is that the movie made a metric assload, rather than the more conservative metric buttload that industry insiders were expecting.
2. "Mamma Mia!" I still think this is an elaborate joke that's being played on me. There is no way someone could make a romantic comedy where people break out into ABBA tunes at random moments without having gleaned the idea from my nightmare journal.
3. "Hancock." Will Smith is cheered on as he unleashes wanton destruction on an unsuspecting world, possibly by releasing a new rap album.
4. "Journey to the Center of the Earth." Brendan Fraser and some kids fall down a deep dark hole. I was all for the movie until I heard there was more to the plot than that.
5. "Hellboy II: The Golden Army." Awesome-o-Meter currently holding steady at a 6 (translates to somewhere in between "bank error in my favor" and "new Terry Pratchett novel comes out in paperback").
6. "Wall*E." Pixar is really too good to be true. I fear that one day we'll find out all the money these movies made went to a fund for Nazi child molesters who have fallen on hard times (hey, I smell a sitcom!).
7. "Space Chimps." In space, no one can hear you masturbate and fling your feces at each other.
8. "Wanted." One of these days I'm going to make the perfect action movie. It will have real stunts rather than computer generated bullshit that feels lifeless and dull. It will have a plot that will engage your brain while it keeps your pulse racing. It will combine everything that was good about "Bullitt," "Predator," "The Wild Bunch," "The Road Warrior" and "Die Hard." It will be a film so awesome that Michael Bay will kill himself during the closing credits, right after his balls explode during the burning-freight-train-crashes-into-a-pirate-ship climax. I will show it once, to a select few who can appreciate how awesome it is. Then I will lock the movie in a vault and not allow anyone to ever see it ever again, in order to punish civilization for having made "Wanted" a hit.
9. "Get Smart." You can start by watching the original series.
10. "Kung-Fu Panda." I miss kung-fu movies. Nobody makes them anymore as far as I can tell, and I wouldn't watch them if they did. Basically I just have to wait and see if whatever Stephen Chow does next is any good and maybe see if that guy from "Ong-Bak" is working on anything. Oh yeah, pandas. Right.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Dickheads and Useless Growths
Wow, That's Wacky
Andy Dick has been arrested for drug possession and sexual battery. Could you imagine being sexually battered by Andy Dick? The image just has some sort of weird R. Crumb surrealism feeling to it. Apparently he yanked up some 17-year-old girl's shirt and exposed her breasts to a bar on his way out the door and when he was pulled over by the cops later that evening they found pot 'n' pills on him. That this story didn't end with a severe roadside beating and tasering just goes to show that our law enforcement officials have their priorities all wrong.
Holy Mole
There is speculation that Sara Jessica Parker has had her trademark mole removed through cosmetic HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK WHY AM I EVEN WRITING ABOUT THIS AND WHY THE SHIT ARE YOU READING IT! JESUS!
Opening This Friday
The big news is the "The Dark Knight" will open this Friday, with the backlash occurring approximately 24 hours later.
Also opening is "Mamma Mia!," which takes place on a Greek island and is a musical full of ABBA songs. It's sort of like clinical depression, if clinical depression had choreography and a soundtrack.
Finally, like the not-so-bright cousin the older children are forced to take along with them whenever they do something fun, is "Space Chimps," a CGI kids film about talking monkeys. How original. It barely has a marketing campaign and the preview looks as if it's trying to avoid anything entertaining. I would pity parents that end up watching this with their kids, but really they have only themselves to blame.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Hancock." Requisite Will Smith blockbuster for the summer. I'm pretty sure that this man has sold his soul for success. Nothing else explains it. He isn't that interesting of an actor, most of his movies are piddling and yet year after year he does nothing but hits. Is it worth roasting in Hell, Mr. Smith?
2. "Wall*E." Thank you for small mercies. Pixar has yet to fuck up ("Cars" was middling, but still entertaining) and this is looking to be a classic. Too bad I can't go see it without an audience full of annoying children. I sometimes think that no one under the age of 20 should be allowed into a movie theater without passing some kind of personality test first.
3. "Wanted." This film is such a juvenile male fantasy that you would almost think it were scripted by a gaggle of 10-year-old boys high on Mountain Dew and whippets. Nerdy man becomes super-assassin because he has all the skills his father had (making it "his destiny"). He also gets to date Angelia Jolie, who is a vampire (I don't mean she plays a vampire here, I just think that in reality she drinks human blood and cannot be killed by mortal weapons). The stunts are all computer-generated, so there is no sense of danger or reality, and in the end you will realize you just paid the price of a meal to watch a movie about someone who achieved a fantasy life without the slightest bit of effort, because he was special and you aren't.
4. "Get Smart." You can start by going to see something good instead of this movie.
5. "Kung Fu Panda." You know you want to see this movie. Why lie to yourself. OBEY THE PANDA!
6. "The Incredible Hulk." Still haven't seen it. Probably will eventually. You can't argue with a movie where a large green man rips a car in half.
7. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Again with This Shit?"
8. "Kit Kittredge: Pedophile Fodder."
9. "Sex and the City." This movie has herpes.
10. "You Don't Mess with the Zohan." This movie is like Jesus pissing all over your grandmother's corpse. Think about it.
2. "Wall*E." Thank you for small mercies. Pixar has yet to fuck up ("Cars" was middling, but still entertaining) and this is looking to be a classic. Too bad I can't go see it without an audience full of annoying children. I sometimes think that no one under the age of 20 should be allowed into a movie theater without passing some kind of personality test first.
3. "Wanted." This film is such a juvenile male fantasy that you would almost think it were scripted by a gaggle of 10-year-old boys high on Mountain Dew and whippets. Nerdy man becomes super-assassin because he has all the skills his father had (making it "his destiny"). He also gets to date Angelia Jolie, who is a vampire (I don't mean she plays a vampire here, I just think that in reality she drinks human blood and cannot be killed by mortal weapons). The stunts are all computer-generated, so there is no sense of danger or reality, and in the end you will realize you just paid the price of a meal to watch a movie about someone who achieved a fantasy life without the slightest bit of effort, because he was special and you aren't.
4. "Get Smart." You can start by going to see something good instead of this movie.
5. "Kung Fu Panda." You know you want to see this movie. Why lie to yourself. OBEY THE PANDA!
6. "The Incredible Hulk." Still haven't seen it. Probably will eventually. You can't argue with a movie where a large green man rips a car in half.
7. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Again with This Shit?"
8. "Kit Kittredge: Pedophile Fodder."
9. "Sex and the City." This movie has herpes.
10. "You Don't Mess with the Zohan." This movie is like Jesus pissing all over your grandmother's corpse. Think about it.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Dispatches from the World of Celebrity Cocksuckery
Presidential Politics
"Actor" Stephen Baldwin has stated that he will "leave the country" if Barack Obama is elected president. Is that a promise? Did Alec put you up to this?
My Dreams Come True
Someone has finally gotten around to torturing Christopher Hitchens. The reporter, pundit and "New Atheist" nitwit had himself waterboarded for an article in Vanity Fair and came to the conclusion that, by golly, it is actually torture and not just some frat prank we've been subjecting brown people to so they'll tell us all the things we want to hear.
I respect Mr. Hitchens and his opinions. I just wish they would have taken the procedure to its logical conclusion, because while he may be a good writer, he's also a total drunken douchbag.
Workers of the World Unite Again
There have been rumblings in Hollywood of another strike, this one from the Screen Actors Guild. While experts are saying it isn't likely to go full out, what with a lack of support from the union base and the $2.5 million a day in total lost wages for the members it would cause, I'm still holding out hope. The actors going on strike would mean a complete shut-down, not just a cough and sputtering like when the writers took a leave. No new shows, no new movies. Complete collapse. $23 million-a-day loss to the California economy. It would be beautiful. I think we need a little wanton destruction like this to shake things up. I'll happily let the half-dozen or so decent actors and actresses in Hollywood go if the endless piles of hacks go with them. Did you know that Tom Cruise is a SAG member? Keanu Reeves, Adam Sandler, Ashton Kutcher? Can you imagine a couple of months of these guys not working? Don't tell me it doesn't give you that nice, warm feeling inside.
"Actor" Stephen Baldwin has stated that he will "leave the country" if Barack Obama is elected president. Is that a promise? Did Alec put you up to this?
My Dreams Come True
Someone has finally gotten around to torturing Christopher Hitchens. The reporter, pundit and "New Atheist" nitwit had himself waterboarded for an article in Vanity Fair and came to the conclusion that, by golly, it is actually torture and not just some frat prank we've been subjecting brown people to so they'll tell us all the things we want to hear.
I respect Mr. Hitchens and his opinions. I just wish they would have taken the procedure to its logical conclusion, because while he may be a good writer, he's also a total drunken douchbag.
Workers of the World Unite Again
There have been rumblings in Hollywood of another strike, this one from the Screen Actors Guild. While experts are saying it isn't likely to go full out, what with a lack of support from the union base and the $2.5 million a day in total lost wages for the members it would cause, I'm still holding out hope. The actors going on strike would mean a complete shut-down, not just a cough and sputtering like when the writers took a leave. No new shows, no new movies. Complete collapse. $23 million-a-day loss to the California economy. It would be beautiful. I think we need a little wanton destruction like this to shake things up. I'll happily let the half-dozen or so decent actors and actresses in Hollywood go if the endless piles of hacks go with them. Did you know that Tom Cruise is a SAG member? Keanu Reeves, Adam Sandler, Ashton Kutcher? Can you imagine a couple of months of these guys not working? Don't tell me it doesn't give you that nice, warm feeling inside.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Get Smart." The cast is good and the source material is funny, but the director is like a giant black hole of funny out of which no humor escapes. Quick rundown of Peter Segal's previous films: "My Fellow Americans," "Nutty Professor II: The Klumps," "Anger Management," "50 First Dates" and "The Longest Yard." We're not exactly dealing with a master satirist here. Meanwhile, writers are the same folks who brought us "Failure to Launch" (you know, that movie that sucked) so I think the pedigree of this film is a tad mixed. Kind of like an Irish Wolfhound that has managed to breed with a particularly unfunny brick.
2. "The Incredible Hulk." If you wanted John Woo to direct your movie, why not just hire John Woo? No need to grab his retarded French cousin.
3. "Kung Fu Panda." I object to this movie on principle, but in practice it looks kind of funny. We have a conundrum.
4. "The Love Guru." If you're allergic to laughter, then this is the film for you.
5. "The Happening." How is it that a man who has made only one good movie (and at least three intensely shitty movies) can continue to get funding and support for his films? Do you know what could have been done with the budget that was used to make this piece of shit? Aside from the usual humanitarian aid efforts, it could have funded a scholarship for upcoming film makers. $50,000 a piece for 1,140 different directors to fund and market their films. How many good 90 minute movies do you think could have been made for what it cost to make this poorly-executed slumberfest?
6. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of One Decent Action Sequence and a Senseless, Annoying Plot."
7. "You Don't Mess With the Zohan." If you do, he might occupy your homeland with brutal apartheid.
8. "Sex and the City." I don't think it's normal for my balls to hurt slightly every time I hear about a movie. I should really have that checked out.
9. "Iron Man." Has anyone else ever wondered what would happen to Tony Stark if he sneezed inside that suit?
10. "The Strangers." I still haven't gotten to this yet. Looks bitchen'.
2. "The Incredible Hulk." If you wanted John Woo to direct your movie, why not just hire John Woo? No need to grab his retarded French cousin.
3. "Kung Fu Panda." I object to this movie on principle, but in practice it looks kind of funny. We have a conundrum.
4. "The Love Guru." If you're allergic to laughter, then this is the film for you.
5. "The Happening." How is it that a man who has made only one good movie (and at least three intensely shitty movies) can continue to get funding and support for his films? Do you know what could have been done with the budget that was used to make this piece of shit? Aside from the usual humanitarian aid efforts, it could have funded a scholarship for upcoming film makers. $50,000 a piece for 1,140 different directors to fund and market their films. How many good 90 minute movies do you think could have been made for what it cost to make this poorly-executed slumberfest?
6. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of One Decent Action Sequence and a Senseless, Annoying Plot."
7. "You Don't Mess With the Zohan." If you do, he might occupy your homeland with brutal apartheid.
8. "Sex and the City." I don't think it's normal for my balls to hurt slightly every time I hear about a movie. I should really have that checked out.
9. "Iron Man." Has anyone else ever wondered what would happen to Tony Stark if he sneezed inside that suit?
10. "The Strangers." I still haven't gotten to this yet. Looks bitchen'.
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