Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Dead Celebrity Hammer Throw

Fuck Multiculturalism

The big news in entertainment this week has been the veritable nationalistic orgy of the Beijing Olympics, which are about as exciting to me as clipping my toenails. Of course our whole nation is cheering on Michael Phelps, the gold-medal-winning machine of a swimmer. Swimming is basically an elaborate way to not sink under the water and drown; Phelps does it very quickly.

Do you remember during the Athens Olympics when Australian swimmer Ian Thorp said Phelps would never beat Mark Spitz's gold medal record? Apparently Phelps told Thorp to "go suck a dick" and has proceeded to wipe him out of the record books, and is now on track to exceed the Spitz record, powering his swimming performance on the gasoline of pure hate.

And that is truly what the Olympic games are all about.

Dead Celeb Coral

Couple of famous deaths this last week. Comedian Bernie Mac died of complications from pneumonia, while soul artist Isaac Hayes just up and died. In order to gauge my feelings about these events for you, let me updated my Death Response Priority List. In descending order of importance: Immediate family, close friends, pets, casual acquaintances, fictional characters, celebrities that I don't know personally, anonymous Chinese earthquake victims.

In response to Hayes' death, his former employers Matt Stone and Trey Parker had this to say: "Blippity bloppity blew Ron Paul."

Tom Cruise is a Penis

Tom Cruise has apparently been written out of an upcoming action film he was set to star in because he was considered too old to be a bankable action hero and that he no longer justifies his large paycheck. Since age has not stopped Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford, Clint Eastwood, Nicolas Cage or any number of other hobbling old coots from playing the hero role, it stands to reason that the real purpose for removing Cruise from a project is that he is in fact a large walking penis that squawks in something resembling a human dialect. His attempts to get a fourth "Mission: Impossible" film off the ground have also met with problems, since no one seems interested in creating a multi-million dollar vanity project starring a third-rate punchline who resembles an anthropomorphized genitalia.

No comments: