Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Opening Soon and Top Ten

Opening This Week:

"Disaster Movie." I'm pretty sure this was approved due to a horrible mistake on the studio's part. These films are to humor what AIDS is to Africa.

"Babylon A.D." "Children of Men"-lite for the bang-bang-go-boom crowd. It doesn't look half-bad for what it is, but I'm beginning to suspect that Vin Diesel must have some sort of clause in his contract stating that he has to jump from an exploding plane while strapped to a snowboard and firing a machine gun in every movie he appears in. I'm interested in seeing how that plays out in his upcoming Hannibal biopic (maybe jumping off an exploding elephant while strapped to a canoe and throwing a spear. Just an idea, Vin).

"College." Three high school seniors are in for a wild weekend when they visit a local college. They meet with an academic adviser, tour campus and begin work on their applications while weighing the option to attend the school or to look into financial aid so they can afford something out of state. Then they puke on themselves.

Top at the Box Office:

1. "Tropic Thunder." Little bit of a dust-up over this film regarding its use of the word "retard." Protesting the film seems to have worked wonders.

Just a quick note though: Using the word "retard" when referring to a person with a particular mental disability is cruel and mean-spirited. Using the word in its actual sense, which means "slow or limited in intellectual development," is a pretty funny synonym for "stupid." For example: "Protesting a comedy because it satirically used the word 'retard' is kind of retarded."

2. "The House Bunny." Speaking of retarded...

3. "Death Race." Bang, kaboom, whoop de fuck. If it doesn't have David Carradine with a grenade for a hand, then I don't really give a shit.

4. "The Dark Knight." Do you remember "Batman & Robin"? I guess by that standard this is the greatest thing to happen in all of cinematic history. But by most other standards it's a decent action film with one iconic performance that will inspire way too many Halloween costumes this year.

5. "Star Wars: The Clone Wars." Is it okay for me to say I don't really care all that much about "Star Wars"? Because I really don't. The original trilogy was pretty entertaining, to a point. But anything that has been associated to them since has been like some kind of weird anti-fun, causing joy to be sucked out of my life every time I encounter it.

6. "The Pineapple Express." Hey, Harold & Kumar! This is how you make a fuckin' stoner movie. Please pay attention.

7. "Mirrors." If you've seen the trailer then you can guess at this film's one spooky little trick it has to scare people with, which it no doubt drives into the ground. Looks about as frightening as a box of donut holes.

8. "Mamma Mia!" You can't stop it. The disease is inside of you.

9. "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor." Whenever I look at the ads for this movie, I can't focus on them. It's like when the people in the movie "Dark City" try to remember if they've ever seen daylight. My consciousness won't accept that this film exists even though my memory tells me otherwise.

10. "The Longshots." Fred Durst directed this. By seeing this movie, you are directly supporting the career of Fred Durst. Mull that over for a moment and then consider doing some charity work as a way to protect your immortal soul.

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