Friday, July 25, 2008

Opening Today and the Top Ten

Opening Today

"Step Brothers" opens in theaters today, much to the delight of not a fucking soul. Two adult men enter a sibling rivalry when their respective single parents marry each other. It looks, feels and sounds like a contract-filler, a way for Will Ferrell and director Adam McKay to wrap up their three-picture deal with Sony. And given Ferrell's most recent string of comedies ("Blades of Glory," "Semi-Pro") it might be wise to take into account that his comedic touch might be a tad, shall we say, non-existent? I'm trying to dance around the fact that this is going to blow chunks.

Also opening is the sequel no one even realized was happening, "The X-Files: I Want to Believe." Somehow, fans of the show got really excited about this when it was announced, as if it were some sort of major event rather than a quick cash run by a group of folks who couldn't find work otherwise. Honestly, how much did the show blow the last few seasons of its existence? If you answered "Why, it blew quite a lot, didn't it?" then you are correct. And the original film was serviceable at best, hardly the beginning of a franchise. So why get worked up? Just relax and let it go. It'll be okay. Shh. Hush now.

Top Ten at the Box Office This Week

1. "The Dark Knight." Yeah, no shit. The only surprise here is that the movie made a metric assload, rather than the more conservative metric buttload that industry insiders were expecting.

2. "Mamma Mia!" I still think this is an elaborate joke that's being played on me. There is no way someone could make a romantic comedy where people break out into ABBA tunes at random moments without having gleaned the idea from my nightmare journal.

3. "Hancock." Will Smith is cheered on as he unleashes wanton destruction on an unsuspecting world, possibly by releasing a new rap album.

4. "Journey to the Center of the Earth." Brendan Fraser and some kids fall down a deep dark hole. I was all for the movie until I heard there was more to the plot than that.

5. "Hellboy II: The Golden Army." Awesome-o-Meter currently holding steady at a 6 (translates to somewhere in between "bank error in my favor" and "new Terry Pratchett novel comes out in paperback").

6. "Wall*E." Pixar is really too good to be true. I fear that one day we'll find out all the money these movies made went to a fund for Nazi child molesters who have fallen on hard times (hey, I smell a sitcom!).

7. "Space Chimps." In space, no one can hear you masturbate and fling your feces at each other.

8. "Wanted." One of these days I'm going to make the perfect action movie. It will have real stunts rather than computer generated bullshit that feels lifeless and dull. It will have a plot that will engage your brain while it keeps your pulse racing. It will combine everything that was good about "Bullitt," "Predator," "The Wild Bunch," "The Road Warrior" and "Die Hard." It will be a film so awesome that Michael Bay will kill himself during the closing credits, right after his balls explode during the burning-freight-train-crashes-into-a-pirate-ship climax. I will show it once, to a select few who can appreciate how awesome it is. Then I will lock the movie in a vault and not allow anyone to ever see it ever again, in order to punish civilization for having made "Wanted" a hit.

9. "Get Smart." You can start by watching the original series.

10. "Kung-Fu Panda." I miss kung-fu movies. Nobody makes them anymore as far as I can tell, and I wouldn't watch them if they did. Basically I just have to wait and see if whatever Stephen Chow does next is any good and maybe see if that guy from "Ong-Bak" is working on anything. Oh yeah, pandas. Right.

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