Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Politics as Bloodsport

I don't cover politics much in this blog, but seeing as the presidential primaries have now become my favorite form of televised entertainment, I feel I should post a nod to a few interesting ongoing stories:

The Revolution Will Be Televised

Katie Couric will become the first woman to head a major news organization's convention coverage, as she will be at the top of CBS's Democratic and Republican convention team. A bold stride for women everywhere, who can now take pride in the fact that their gender has produced one of the absolute fucking worst news anchors to ever grace a national broadcast station. Did you see her recent interview with Barack Obama? She asked him the same question FOUR FUCKING TIMES! She just could not drop that shit about the surge in Iraq and kept bringing it up until Barack just got up and popped her right in the goddamned mouth. Actually, that last part didn't happen. Except in this daydream I had where Barack Obama turns out to be Teddy Roosevelt in disguise and America elects a truly badass president again.

Barack Out With Your Cock Out

In other Obama interview news, Tom Brokaw recently interviewed the junior senator and managed to repeat basically every point from David Brooks' most recent New York Times column. This would be all fine and dandy if David Brooks weren't such a blubbering asshat. Honestly, the man has one trick, which is to break up social groups into convenient demographics based on sociological data he draws by shoving a hand up his own ass and seeing what he pulls out. He then gives the group some cutesy name and cashes another hefty NYT check while wiping is sphincter with a dead Iraqi, checking to see if any other ideas fell out before he tosses the mangled corpse off into the garbage. If he isn't just outright lying in his columns, he makes points so illogical and wrongheaded that you wonder why he hasn't been put into a special home or elected to a high cabinet position yet.

Teddy Roosevelt wouldn't have put up with that kind of shit. He would just stomp up to Brokaw and karate chop him in the face until he shut the fuck up, then he would have jogged to New York and punched David Brooks so hard in the balls he would have been singing falsetto for the rest of his life.

You know that saying of Roosevelt's, "Talk softly and carry a big stick"? That wasn't a metaphor for his diplomatic tactics. It was a literal description of his favorite hobby, which was to sneak up on people and then beat them savagely with a 2 x 4.

The Whiniest Generation

McCain and his surrogates have been complaining a lot in the press about how much press coverage Obama has been receiving (take a minute to soak in that irony). They've even released an ad pointing out how popular Obama has been with the large media groups. So basically the complaint is that their opponent is more popular than they are. This in spite of a recent studies that show Obama has received more negative coverage than McCain. You know McCain just wants to shake his fist and tell that damn darkie to get off of his lawn.

I know making fun of McCain's age is supposed to be so passe, but then he really shouldn't be acting like such a crotchety old bastard. This whole campaign is basically boiling down to the Democratic Jesus vs. Old Man Withers, Who Runs the Haunted Amusement Park (I think Obama could end this race right now if he just pulled off McCain's "Zombie Senator" mask, so we can all hear that this entire campaign was just a plot to get to a chest full of Spanish doubloons that are buried under the White House).

You know who would make a better president than either of these guys? Teddy Fuckin' Roosevelt:

Fuck yeah!

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