Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Dead Celebrities and Other Meaningless Crap

Hunky Guy Dies
Actor Heath Ledger died in his hotel room yesterday. The autopsy was inconclusive, but I'm going to go ahead and call it and say it was an "accidental" sleeping pill overdose. I hate it when really popular people die. Not because I like them, mind you, but because it means everyone will now spend the next couple of months talking about how wonderful the deceased person was. That he was a moderately attractive man (in a what we might call a "gay cowboy" kind of way) means that he will be lauded as a tortured genius, which is an unmitigated load of crap, but to say otherwise somehow makes you insensitive. Basically what I'm trying to say is that, all apologies to his friends and relations, I feel about the same way about Ledger's death as I do about a new Uwe Boll movie: I wish it did not have to happen, but only because hearing about it causes me a mild irritation.

This Study Has Been Rated "Bullshit"
The MPAA recently announced that its study about how movie piracy on college campuses causes billions in lost profits was slightly flawed, in the sense of being completely wrong. The study was a way to pressure college campuses that provide high speed internet access to students into cracking down on illegal downloads. I guess along the way someone must have realized that it is in fact impossible to estimate "losses in profit from digital piracy" with anything resembling accuracy and that any numbers associated to such a study are generally pulled out of someone's ass.

Oscar Fever! (Catch It!)
The nominations for the 80th Annual Academy Awards were just announced (well, recently announced, in any case). Though the writer's strike could potentially cut the ceremony's legs out from under it (please oh please oh please), that doesn't mean it doesn't present a fine gambling opportunity.

Here are the nominees for the big ones:

Best Picture:

"Atonement": Based on a piece of actual literature, also with British accents. A shoe in.
"Juno": Taking over "Little Miss Sunshine"'s slot for quirky indie comedy that doesn't have Eskimo's chance in Hell of ever winning this award. Funny movie, but not the best picture of this or any other year.
"Michael Clayton": George Clooney acting serious and lawyerly.
"No Country for Old Men": Violent death and bad haircuts. Has my vote.
"There Will Be Blood": Might not win for best picture, but will win my personal award of "Ass-kickingest Title of the Year."

Best Actor:

George Clooney, for "Michael Clayton": It was bound to happen one of these days.
Daniel Day-Lewis, for "There Will Be Blood:" He ought to get an award for just consenting to make a movie.
Johnny Depp, for "Sweeney Todd": You have got to be kidding me. If looking serious and singing while caked in blood and dressed all goth is all it takes to get an Oscar nom, why not just give the award to the lead singer of Skinny Puppy?
Viggo Mortensen, for "Eastern Promise": The man looks like he hasn't taken a crap since high school. He's a shoe in.

Best Actress:

Cate Blanchett, for "Elizabeth: The Golden Age": Haven't we gone through this?
Julie Christie, for "Away from Her": Never heard of it. Never will again.
Marion Cotillard, for "La Mome": Sure. Okay.
Laura Linney, for "The Savages": I can see that.
Ellen Page, for "Juno": She played a girl who put out for a guy like Michael Cera in high school. She has my vote.

Other Highlights: A former stripper was nominated for the Best Original Screenplay award. Michael Moore's "Sicko" was nominated for Best Documentary, which means we have to pretend to care about what Michael Moore has to say about something for a few more minutes. Also, another fucking movie about fucking penguins was nominated for Best Animated Feature Film. Do you know that penguins molest children and eat kitten fetuses? And they would gladly kill an Alzheimer's suffer without a second thought, if they had the chance? I fucking hate movies about penguins. Unless it is a movie about penguins getting eaten by killer whales. I love killer whales. Especially when they are in the wild, where they are free to devour penguins at will, the way God intended.

1 comment:

slickdpdx said...

If looking serious and singing while caked in blood and dressed all goth is all it takes to get an Oscar nom, why not just give the award to the lead singer of Skinny Puppy?

Comedy gold!