Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "The Bucket List." Cancer? It's hilarious! Rob Reiner panders for an Oscar the only way he knows how: Calculated heart string tugs and old warhorse actors riding the cliche coaster.

2. "First Sunday." Stars the same people but is not related to the "Friday" series (thank you lord for small mercies), though looks to be about as big of a comedic train wreck. Watching Katt Williams mince around as a choir director looks to be a good substitute for an ipecac, so bulimics take note.

3. "Juno." The indie comedy quirkfest of the year. "Arrested Development" cast members, a script written by a stripper, highly precocious teenagers and a soundtrack that is just too indie-rock precious for words.

4. "National Treasure: Book of How Does Nicolas Cage Get By With That Idiot Smirk of His? He Is The Worst Fucking Action Star I Can Imagine Short of Jimmy Fallon"

5. "Alvin and the Chipmunks." This is real? I thought it was a sick, elaborate joke that everyone was playing on me. Amazing how one novelty song could lead to 50 years of unmitigated shit.

6. "I Am Legend." Every celebrity's self-perception come to life: They are the only real human being and everyone else is just a diseased parasite.

7. "One Missed Call." The J-horror crap factory strikes again. Do you think it involves a ghost? And telecommunication technology?

8. "P.S. I Love You." Movies: Now with emotions.

9. "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: Except Sell Christian Morality to an Undifferentiating, Unreflective Mass Audience of Faith Bound Jesus Spawns."

10. "Atonement." By the way, it's adapted from something.

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