Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "Hanna Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour." Pardon me, but what the holy living fuck? The Disney Channel and its tween money making machines invade the cinemas. Debby Gibson only wishes she could have attained this level of corporate synergy.

2. "The Eye." Another Asian horror remake, this time of something that's actually good. The movie itself and everyone involved can go rot for all I care, so long as this gets somebody to put the original back in print on DVD.

3. "27 Dresses." This is the exact kind of romantic comedy that makes most men want to castrate themselves with a dull, rusty knife. Phenomenally attractive woman can't find a man who appreciates her? Watches the man she loves get married to her sister and has to help, but has a darkly handsome man in the background who seems to understand her? Will it all work out in the end, or will everyone die in a subway station during a terrorist nerve gas attack? I would prefer to let it remain a mystery.

4. "Meet the Spartans." Another in an increasingly dour selection of pop culture parody films that seem to work mostly as a scam. Throw enough obvious pop culture references into a plot that you make up as you go along, keep the production values low and add a few C-list celebs and you are bound to get enough idiots to spend their disposable income on it to make a profit.

5. "Rambo." Did you see that scene where he obliterates that one guy with that gigantic machine gun at point blank range? That was awesome. Rambo continues in his life-long goal of exterminating the entire population of Southeast Asia while grunting unintelligibly.

6. "Juno." So what do you think next year's "Little Miss Sunshine," indie comedy no-hope Oscar nominee will be? I think it will have something to do with a precocious teenage girl who is interested in crossword puzzle competitions, whose step-father is Icelandic and whose mother collects porcelain ballerina figurines. Clap Your Hands and Say Yeah! will work on the soundtrack. It will be directed by a unicorn.

7. "The Bucket List." Cancer is a big sell. Cancer and road movies about old people.

8. "Untraceable." I think it's hilarious how Hollywood seems to think that computers can do anything. Shot in Portland, OR, so I'll give it some props for good taste. Though it should have starred either Sandra Bullock or Ashley Judd.

9. "Cloverfield." I don't generally go for projects that cause fanboys to cream in their pants months before the release. Experience has taught me that such buzz is generally a sign of eventual disappointment. However, watching NYC get laid to waste always gives me a special kind of thrill.

10. "There Will Be Blood." Yes. Yes there will.

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