The Hollywood writer's strike continues. Sitcoms are closing production for lack of scripts, talk shows are dying on the vine with no material, "Saturday Night Live" is dead in the water and there is still no resolution in site. It...it...it's like heaven. Of course the writer's are right to be on the picket line, since the producers they have been negotiating with seem to have been competing in the Douchbag Olympics for the entire debacle, trying to see who can be the top asshole of the bunch. Here's the entire issue summed up for you:
Writers: "We believe we should be paid an additional 1/3 of a penny in residuals."
Producers: "I have a better idea: Why don't we just stop paying you any residuals? Now pardon me while I wipe my ass with this enormous pile of money."
In other strike related news: Ellen Degeneres is being lambasted by the striking writers for crossing the picket line to film her show. Ellen's reason for crossing the picket was that members of her audience had paid to be at the show and some had traveled across the country to be there (I guess that if you traveled across the country to see a talk show run by Ellen DeGeneres, you've probably faced enough disappointment in your life). In honor of the writers, DeGeneres chose not to do a monologue to open her show. Unfortunately, she failed to realize that appearing on television at all shows disrespect to the striking writers, not to mention, in her case, the rest of humanity.
In even more strike news, "Desperate Housewives" star Eva Longoria was taunted by the striking writers while trying to serve pizza to them on her way into work.Work of course being on the other side of the picket line. Apparently someone forgot to look up the word "solidarity" before deciding on this course of action, though the writers ought to have realized that it's an actor's second nature to pay lip service to popular causes without making any real personal sacrifice. Of course, Longoria has since decided to join the writers on the picket line. An easy choice to make, now that "Housewives" has shut down production and picketing will no longer be an inconvenience to her. I guess I shouldn't be surprised when wealthy, famous people become totally oblivious.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Friday, October 5, 2007
Famous People Are Better People
The Sorrow and the Pity
Britney Spears recently lost custody of her children to ex-husband Kevin Federline. You realize what this means, don't you? It means your life is utterly valueless to society. It means that if you died tomorrow, your whole existence would have gotten less coverage than the minor trials and tribulations of some stupid, talentless bimbo.
The Brood
In other news that will totally devalue all of our lives, Jennifer Lopez is pregnant. Just try to imagine that woman as a mother. Imagine what that child will be like. Did scenes from "Mommie Dearest" flash through your mind? I sometimes feel sorry for these children born to insufferable, overbearing celebrities who treat them like accessories for as long as they are small enough to be carried. Then I realize that the children will probably become just as awful, only with twice the sense of entitlement. Then I start dreaming of the Cold War, when nuclear holocaust was a distinct possibility. Mmm. Good times.
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "The Game Plan." Do you realize that the man who directed this also directed "She's the Man" last year? And is directing a remake of "Fame"? Where is your god now?
2. "The Kingdom." A politically charged drama that deals with issues at the forefront of world consciousness. And an advertising campaign that practically screams, "Arabs are weird and Jamie Foxx is going to kill them all."
3. "Resident Evil: Shitty Sequel, Part Deux." Good news for the series in that director Paul W. S. Anderson did not helm this entry. Instead they got someone who used to direct music videos for the Human League. I would say that's a about a 10% improvement.
4. "Good Luck Chuck." What is it about Dane Cook that makes me want to mess up his smirking face with a broken whisky bottle?
5. "3:10 to Yuma." I have no problem with this movie. Weird.
6. "The Brave One." It's always strange when revenge films come back into popularity. This one is interesting since the tone set by the marketing campaign seems to be "she's a merciless killer out for revenge, and isn't that just special? Good for her!"
7. "Mr. Woodcock." Someone should lose a testicle for greenlighting this film.
8. "Eastern Promise." I have no problem with this movie. Double weird.
9. "Sydney White." A pretty girl exploits a bunch of unattractive nitwits in order to further her social status. At least "Revenge of the Nerds" made the losers the focus of attention. Are we not allowed to display unattractiveness in a Hollywood film anymore without having some hefty-chested cheerleader standing in front of it?
10. "Across the Universe." You know, there's a reason that it's so difficult to license the music of the Beatles for a film. It's because people fuck it up so bad, so often. Have you seen the film "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band"? If you have, you will understand why the simple existence of "Across the Universe" gives me a headache.
Britney Spears recently lost custody of her children to ex-husband Kevin Federline. You realize what this means, don't you? It means your life is utterly valueless to society. It means that if you died tomorrow, your whole existence would have gotten less coverage than the minor trials and tribulations of some stupid, talentless bimbo.
The Brood
In other news that will totally devalue all of our lives, Jennifer Lopez is pregnant. Just try to imagine that woman as a mother. Imagine what that child will be like. Did scenes from "Mommie Dearest" flash through your mind? I sometimes feel sorry for these children born to insufferable, overbearing celebrities who treat them like accessories for as long as they are small enough to be carried. Then I realize that the children will probably become just as awful, only with twice the sense of entitlement. Then I start dreaming of the Cold War, when nuclear holocaust was a distinct possibility. Mmm. Good times.
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "The Game Plan." Do you realize that the man who directed this also directed "She's the Man" last year? And is directing a remake of "Fame"? Where is your god now?
2. "The Kingdom." A politically charged drama that deals with issues at the forefront of world consciousness. And an advertising campaign that practically screams, "Arabs are weird and Jamie Foxx is going to kill them all."
3. "Resident Evil: Shitty Sequel, Part Deux." Good news for the series in that director Paul W. S. Anderson did not helm this entry. Instead they got someone who used to direct music videos for the Human League. I would say that's a about a 10% improvement.
4. "Good Luck Chuck." What is it about Dane Cook that makes me want to mess up his smirking face with a broken whisky bottle?
5. "3:10 to Yuma." I have no problem with this movie. Weird.
6. "The Brave One." It's always strange when revenge films come back into popularity. This one is interesting since the tone set by the marketing campaign seems to be "she's a merciless killer out for revenge, and isn't that just special? Good for her!"
7. "Mr. Woodcock." Someone should lose a testicle for greenlighting this film.
8. "Eastern Promise." I have no problem with this movie. Double weird.
9. "Sydney White." A pretty girl exploits a bunch of unattractive nitwits in order to further her social status. At least "Revenge of the Nerds" made the losers the focus of attention. Are we not allowed to display unattractiveness in a Hollywood film anymore without having some hefty-chested cheerleader standing in front of it?
10. "Across the Universe." You know, there's a reason that it's so difficult to license the music of the Beatles for a film. It's because people fuck it up so bad, so often. Have you seen the film "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band"? If you have, you will understand why the simple existence of "Across the Universe" gives me a headache.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh joy and rapture, it's fall again, the time of year when the world dies in small, painful increments. What a perfect time for the start of the new television season and its vast cornocopia of crap. Here's a look at some of the new shows hitting us this year.
"Kid Nation"
Now here is a promising scenario: 40 kids in the a desert community with plenty of supplies and constant supervision build a "society" with pre-selected leaders and regulated social classes while also engaging in meaningless activities that ostensibly prove their worth as human beings but in fact are empty rituals. Can't imagine where they got the idea for this.
"Back to You"
Kelsey Grammer and that woman from "Everybody Loves Raymond" star in a sitcom about Pittsburg TV newscasters. Did you lapse into a slight coma while reading that? This is the sort of show that will probably last five to ten seasons without a single original thought, surviving simply because the network forgot to cancel it.
"K-Ville"
A cop show with a twist: It takes place in New Orleans. We will mention this fact over and over, because it is important. We won't make a program that depicts the city with any kind of reality, and we won't make anything better than the most mediocre, clichéd cop show, but just so you know: Katrina Katrina Katrina.
"Chuck" & "The Big Bang Theory"
There is nothing more awkward than watching television shows that painfully try to imitate coolness. Watching them imitate intelligence will probably end up being considered a war crime.
"Cavemen"
It's the cavemen from those Gieco commercials, in their own television show. This idea is so awful that it has actually gone past being a meta-show about awful television and come back around to just being an awful show.
"Moonlight"
He's a cop. And a vampire. Holy crap-in-a-hat do I not give a shit about this. Adding vampires to any concept on television automatically marks you as being completely and absolutely creatively bankrupt.
"Kid Nation"
Now here is a promising scenario: 40 kids in the a desert community with plenty of supplies and constant supervision build a "society" with pre-selected leaders and regulated social classes while also engaging in meaningless activities that ostensibly prove their worth as human beings but in fact are empty rituals. Can't imagine where they got the idea for this.
"Back to You"
Kelsey Grammer and that woman from "Everybody Loves Raymond" star in a sitcom about Pittsburg TV newscasters. Did you lapse into a slight coma while reading that? This is the sort of show that will probably last five to ten seasons without a single original thought, surviving simply because the network forgot to cancel it.
"K-Ville"
A cop show with a twist: It takes place in New Orleans. We will mention this fact over and over, because it is important. We won't make a program that depicts the city with any kind of reality, and we won't make anything better than the most mediocre, clichéd cop show, but just so you know: Katrina Katrina Katrina.
"Chuck" & "The Big Bang Theory"
There is nothing more awkward than watching television shows that painfully try to imitate coolness. Watching them imitate intelligence will probably end up being considered a war crime.
"Cavemen"
It's the cavemen from those Gieco commercials, in their own television show. This idea is so awful that it has actually gone past being a meta-show about awful television and come back around to just being an awful show.
"Moonlight"
He's a cop. And a vampire. Holy crap-in-a-hat do I not give a shit about this. Adding vampires to any concept on television automatically marks you as being completely and absolutely creatively bankrupt.
Friday, September 7, 2007
The Naked and the Dead
Peach Fuzz
The internet is abuzz with the story that "High School Musical" star Vanessa Hudgens was fired by Disney over some nude photos that are making the usual semen-soaked gossip site rounds. What is our obsession with seeing wholesome people naked? The psychology is so obvious that it's practically some kind of joke. Not that anyone is complaining, as this is without a doubt the finest work Hudgens has done up to this point.
Too Bad
Owen Wilson recently tried to take his own life, though after "You, Me and Dupree" who can blame him? By the way, Owen? Vertical cuts man, down the vein. Horizontal across the wrist doesn't do the job.
Pissing on the Classics
Rob "Are My Dreads Straight?" Zombie's remake of "Halloween" is cleaning up at the box office, because audiences were interested in seeing an up-and-coming director's interpretation of a classic piece of cinema. HA HA HA HA HA! Just kidding! People are sheep. The film is in general about as popular among critics as a late term abortion in their salad, yet is raking it in anyway. I could go on a diatribe about how critics are out of touch with the movie-going public and don't know how to appreciate horror films, but we all know that's a load of horseshit. The general public will see almost anything that entertains them and wouldn't know a decent horror film if one stabbed them in the fucking eye. If anything film critics in general have never really understood that slasher movies are fun. They're as formulaic as romantic comedies, but in slasher movies the irritating little bastards on the screen get what's coming to them (being a bad actor automatically volunteers you for an axe in the face in my book).
The internet is abuzz with the story that "High School Musical" star Vanessa Hudgens was fired by Disney over some nude photos that are making the usual semen-soaked gossip site rounds. What is our obsession with seeing wholesome people naked? The psychology is so obvious that it's practically some kind of joke. Not that anyone is complaining, as this is without a doubt the finest work Hudgens has done up to this point.
Too Bad
Owen Wilson recently tried to take his own life, though after "You, Me and Dupree" who can blame him? By the way, Owen? Vertical cuts man, down the vein. Horizontal across the wrist doesn't do the job.
Pissing on the Classics
Rob "Are My Dreads Straight?" Zombie's remake of "Halloween" is cleaning up at the box office, because audiences were interested in seeing an up-and-coming director's interpretation of a classic piece of cinema. HA HA HA HA HA! Just kidding! People are sheep. The film is in general about as popular among critics as a late term abortion in their salad, yet is raking it in anyway. I could go on a diatribe about how critics are out of touch with the movie-going public and don't know how to appreciate horror films, but we all know that's a load of horseshit. The general public will see almost anything that entertains them and wouldn't know a decent horror film if one stabbed them in the fucking eye. If anything film critics in general have never really understood that slasher movies are fun. They're as formulaic as romantic comedies, but in slasher movies the irritating little bastards on the screen get what's coming to them (being a bad actor automatically volunteers you for an axe in the face in my book).
Friday, July 27, 2007
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry." Most of Adam Sandler's comedies have been about as funny as the Bataan Death March, and this is no exception. It doesn't help that there is something about Kevin James's face that makes me want to shove it into a vat of hot frying grease until he stops wiggling.
2. "Harry Potter and the Order of the Holy Living Fuck Do I Not Give a Shit."
3. "Hairspray," which apparently is good despite all evidence to the contrary.
4. "Transformers." I've heard this is decent enough for a big dumb action film, but I'm having nasty visions of a "G.I. Joes" film adaptation running through my head.
5. "Ratatouille," Is this some sort of opposite land where solid, entertaining films are popular? What's going on here?
6. "Live Free or Die Hard." Ah. There we go.
7. "License to Wed." At what point in the creation of this film did this seem like a good idea? And why are people seeing it? WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO THIS COUNTRY? ARE YOU ALL SNIFFING PAINT? WHAT THE FUCK?!
8. "1408," in which John Cusack plays a man who meets Samuel L. Jackson while drudging the bottom of the Stephen King adaptation barrel.
9. "Even Almighty." This still exists? I thought everyone involved had had their genitals torn off by rabid badgers. Or did I just dream that?
10. "Knocked Up." Opposite world again.
2. "Harry Potter and the Order of the Holy Living Fuck Do I Not Give a Shit."
3. "Hairspray," which apparently is good despite all evidence to the contrary.
4. "Transformers." I've heard this is decent enough for a big dumb action film, but I'm having nasty visions of a "G.I. Joes" film adaptation running through my head.
5. "Ratatouille," Is this some sort of opposite land where solid, entertaining films are popular? What's going on here?
6. "Live Free or Die Hard." Ah. There we go.
7. "License to Wed." At what point in the creation of this film did this seem like a good idea? And why are people seeing it? WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO THIS COUNTRY? ARE YOU ALL SNIFFING PAINT? WHAT THE FUCK?!
8. "1408," in which John Cusack plays a man who meets Samuel L. Jackson while drudging the bottom of the Stephen King adaptation barrel.
9. "Even Almighty." This still exists? I thought everyone involved had had their genitals torn off by rabid badgers. Or did I just dream that?
10. "Knocked Up." Opposite world again.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Wizards and Rich Cocksuckers
In Other "Harry Potter" News:
Go fuck yourself.
In Celebrity News:
Will Smith and Tom Cruise are hosting a party to welcome some hunky dipshit soccer player and his no-talent wife to America. Expected attendees include Jim Carrey, Oprah Winfrey and some other assholes. Expect much uber-rich, self-important Hollywood cocksuckery to occur.
Opening This Week:
"Hairspray," the film adaptation of the musical adaptation of a John Waters film from the 1980s. 1980s film comedy combined with musical theater? Could the level of Idontgiveashittery be any higher?
Also opening is "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry," which is one of the worst titles imaginable for what is looking to be one of the most wretch-inducing gay panic comedies of the last couple of years or so (at least as far back as "Boat Trip"). Adam Sandler must have some sort of grudge again laughter, because he's been trying to kill it his entire career. This one is interesting because it co-stars Kevin James, who has apparently been typecast as someone who marries people who are thinner and slightly more attractive than himself. By the way, did you know that the man who directed this also directed "Problem Child"? Think about that for a moment. Try to conjure up in your mind images from that film. Now look me in the face and tell me whether or not you still believe in an all-merciful god.
Go fuck yourself.
In Celebrity News:
Will Smith and Tom Cruise are hosting a party to welcome some hunky dipshit soccer player and his no-talent wife to America. Expected attendees include Jim Carrey, Oprah Winfrey and some other assholes. Expect much uber-rich, self-important Hollywood cocksuckery to occur.
Opening This Week:
"Hairspray," the film adaptation of the musical adaptation of a John Waters film from the 1980s. 1980s film comedy combined with musical theater? Could the level of Idontgiveashittery be any higher?
Also opening is "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry," which is one of the worst titles imaginable for what is looking to be one of the most wretch-inducing gay panic comedies of the last couple of years or so (at least as far back as "Boat Trip"). Adam Sandler must have some sort of grudge again laughter, because he's been trying to kill it his entire career. This one is interesting because it co-stars Kevin James, who has apparently been typecast as someone who marries people who are thinner and slightly more attractive than himself. By the way, did you know that the man who directed this also directed "Problem Child"? Think about that for a moment. Try to conjure up in your mind images from that film. Now look me in the face and tell me whether or not you still believe in an all-merciful god.
Friday, July 6, 2007
A Look at Comic Book Adaptations
A massive slew of comic book adaptations is planned for the next couple of years. Having exhausted most of the major super heroes, the studios are now digging up the mass pile of second-rate comics from both DC and Marvel. Aside from the obvious sequels (the "Batman Begins" sequel, "The Dark Knight," "The Punisher 2") there is a hot steaming load of heroism coming to the screen. Here's a look at a few selections from the pile:
The most promising of the bunch is "Iron Man," which involves an armor-plated billionaire saving the world. The special effects are looking to be semi-decent and it stars the tolerable Robert Downey Jr. The director hasn't done much other than some bland, kid-friendly comedy, but at least he isn't Tim Story. Two of the screenwriters were involved with the excellent "Children of Men," but there are two others listed as well, who collectively haven't produced shit before this. We'll let this one slide for now.
In the inevitable-but-somewhat-pointless sequel department, we have "The Incredible Hulk," which ditches Ang Lee's Greek tragedy-inspired original vision for what instead is looking to be a film about a large green man who smashes things. The original cast has been replaced (really, everyone) and the director is the guy who brought us both of the "Transporter" films, which might indicate the studio wanted to take things in a different direction, i.e. dumb it down so it won't bomb this time.
There is an ass-load of lesser-known comics coming to the screen as well, with "The Sub-Mariner," "Thor," "The Flash," "Nick Fury" and "Iron Fist" all set for release between now and 2009. But what about black people? Oh yeah, "Luke Cage," which is about a really strong guy. Being really strong is kind of a boring super-power when you think of it, like being able to fly or shooting lasers out of your eyes (Superman = Most boring superhero of all time). Yeah, it gets stuff done, but it also shows a real lack of creativity.
You can almost see the thought process going on at the major studios in regards to these films: "You know, when we put interesting directors with original visions, such as Sam Raimi and Christopher Nolan in charge of these film, we got intelligent, exciting movies that ended up becoming popular franchises. Let's try to recreate that success by putting total hacks in charge of the films and giving them sub-par material! Quick, give me another line of coke before this idea train I'm riding totally derails!"
Speaking of franchise opportunities, after Brett Ratner fucked the holy living hell out of the third "X-Men" film (really, was there a character in that film they didn't totally screw up? The stoic one becomes a rash, emotional wreck; the intelligent villain comes up with the world's most retarded attack plan, the brilliant leader/mentor causes untold damage by not sparing five seconds for some exposition. And so on and so forth), I guess they decided the best way to salvage the characters was to start farming them out for prequels. Hence, "Wolverine" and "Magneto" are both planned for release in the next couple of years. "Wolverine" I can see, if you do it right (which they won't), but "Magneto"? WTF?
Here are a couple of really absurd ones: "Shazam!" (Points for being esoteric, but does anyone really think this will be good? I'm having "Thunderbirds" visions of this one), "Wonder Woman" (this belongs in the 1970s and there it should stay), "The Avengers" ("What hero should we do next?" "Ah fuck it, let's do them all"), and finally "Captain America," which in case you have forgotten was actually done once before and will look incredibly silly no matter what they do to it.
And finally, it wouldn't be a list of upcoming comic book adaptations if someone weren't planning on ruining an Alan Moore comic, in this case the seminal "Watchmen." How do I know they will screw it up, you say? Fan boys are going ape shit about it and the director is a really big fan of the comic, so why shouldn't it be good? Because fan boys go ape shit about everything and they're almost always wrong because they want to see everything adapted into a movie regardless of how it would turn out. And every director who directs a comic book adaptation says they are a big fan of the comics. That's part of the problem. They try to make a comic book instead of a movie and the thing ends up sucking more than a Dyson vacuum in a wind tunnel. In this case the director in question is Zack Snyder. Sure his last two films were big hits, but they were also stupider than a bag of hammers. His general tactic is to take something he likes and dumb it way the fuck down, whether it be "Dawn of the Dead" or "300." Sure, he can make it entertaining, but this is only provided you don't feel like thinking it through. Do you really think this is the right approach to take with one of the most critically celebrated, literate, multi-textual graphic novels of all time? Do you think having leeches attached to your testicles is a cure for headaches? Then boy do I have a movie for you.
The most promising of the bunch is "Iron Man," which involves an armor-plated billionaire saving the world. The special effects are looking to be semi-decent and it stars the tolerable Robert Downey Jr. The director hasn't done much other than some bland, kid-friendly comedy, but at least he isn't Tim Story. Two of the screenwriters were involved with the excellent "Children of Men," but there are two others listed as well, who collectively haven't produced shit before this. We'll let this one slide for now.
In the inevitable-but-somewhat-pointless sequel department, we have "The Incredible Hulk," which ditches Ang Lee's Greek tragedy-inspired original vision for what instead is looking to be a film about a large green man who smashes things. The original cast has been replaced (really, everyone) and the director is the guy who brought us both of the "Transporter" films, which might indicate the studio wanted to take things in a different direction, i.e. dumb it down so it won't bomb this time.
There is an ass-load of lesser-known comics coming to the screen as well, with "The Sub-Mariner," "Thor," "The Flash," "Nick Fury" and "Iron Fist" all set for release between now and 2009. But what about black people? Oh yeah, "Luke Cage," which is about a really strong guy. Being really strong is kind of a boring super-power when you think of it, like being able to fly or shooting lasers out of your eyes (Superman = Most boring superhero of all time). Yeah, it gets stuff done, but it also shows a real lack of creativity.
You can almost see the thought process going on at the major studios in regards to these films: "You know, when we put interesting directors with original visions, such as Sam Raimi and Christopher Nolan in charge of these film, we got intelligent, exciting movies that ended up becoming popular franchises. Let's try to recreate that success by putting total hacks in charge of the films and giving them sub-par material! Quick, give me another line of coke before this idea train I'm riding totally derails!"
Speaking of franchise opportunities, after Brett Ratner fucked the holy living hell out of the third "X-Men" film (really, was there a character in that film they didn't totally screw up? The stoic one becomes a rash, emotional wreck; the intelligent villain comes up with the world's most retarded attack plan, the brilliant leader/mentor causes untold damage by not sparing five seconds for some exposition. And so on and so forth), I guess they decided the best way to salvage the characters was to start farming them out for prequels. Hence, "Wolverine" and "Magneto" are both planned for release in the next couple of years. "Wolverine" I can see, if you do it right (which they won't), but "Magneto"? WTF?
Here are a couple of really absurd ones: "Shazam!" (Points for being esoteric, but does anyone really think this will be good? I'm having "Thunderbirds" visions of this one), "Wonder Woman" (this belongs in the 1970s and there it should stay), "The Avengers" ("What hero should we do next?" "Ah fuck it, let's do them all"), and finally "Captain America," which in case you have forgotten was actually done once before and will look incredibly silly no matter what they do to it.
And finally, it wouldn't be a list of upcoming comic book adaptations if someone weren't planning on ruining an Alan Moore comic, in this case the seminal "Watchmen." How do I know they will screw it up, you say? Fan boys are going ape shit about it and the director is a really big fan of the comic, so why shouldn't it be good? Because fan boys go ape shit about everything and they're almost always wrong because they want to see everything adapted into a movie regardless of how it would turn out. And every director who directs a comic book adaptation says they are a big fan of the comics. That's part of the problem. They try to make a comic book instead of a movie and the thing ends up sucking more than a Dyson vacuum in a wind tunnel. In this case the director in question is Zack Snyder. Sure his last two films were big hits, but they were also stupider than a bag of hammers. His general tactic is to take something he likes and dumb it way the fuck down, whether it be "Dawn of the Dead" or "300." Sure, he can make it entertaining, but this is only provided you don't feel like thinking it through. Do you really think this is the right approach to take with one of the most critically celebrated, literate, multi-textual graphic novels of all time? Do you think having leeches attached to your testicles is a cure for headaches? Then boy do I have a movie for you.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Horror Movie Update
A remake of "Day of the Dead" is in production. Planned as a direct sequel to the 2004 remake of "Dawn of the Dead," with many of the same characters returning, the film is hoping to recreate the success of "Dawn" by slyly replacing the director and writer with much lamer substitutes, in this case the director "Halloween H20" and "Lake Placid" and the screenwriter for the entire "Final Destination" series. Would it be possible to make this any more mind-numbingly boring?
A remake of "The Creature from the Black Lagoon" is in the works for 2008. Originally, Guillermo del Toro was attached to this as director, but I guess someone decided that would just be too impossibly awesome for words and came up with the bright idea of having the guy who directed a multimillion dollar "Indiana Jones" wannabe piece of shit flop staring Matthew McConaughey take the helm. The writer at least has a better track record, if you count a popular Tom Hanks comedy from the 1980s a track record.
The classic 1980s slasher film "Prom Night" is also being remade (it was inevitable at this point, wasn't it?), despite the fact that the original was such a dull non-entity that it would hardly make any difference if you called it a remake or not. They did decide to try something new with this remake though. You see, they took a forgotten horror film they owned the rights to, had a random hack shit out an update screenplay, hired a dull as dishwater television director to helm it and populated the cast with oversexed WB rejects willing to whore themselves to whatever artistically dubious project might bring them the chance for even the most fleeting bit of fame. Certainly, nobody has tried doing this before?
A remake of "The Creature from the Black Lagoon" is in the works for 2008. Originally, Guillermo del Toro was attached to this as director, but I guess someone decided that would just be too impossibly awesome for words and came up with the bright idea of having the guy who directed a multimillion dollar "Indiana Jones" wannabe piece of shit flop staring Matthew McConaughey take the helm. The writer at least has a better track record, if you count a popular Tom Hanks comedy from the 1980s a track record.
The classic 1980s slasher film "Prom Night" is also being remade (it was inevitable at this point, wasn't it?), despite the fact that the original was such a dull non-entity that it would hardly make any difference if you called it a remake or not. They did decide to try something new with this remake though. You see, they took a forgotten horror film they owned the rights to, had a random hack shit out an update screenplay, hired a dull as dishwater television director to helm it and populated the cast with oversexed WB rejects willing to whore themselves to whatever artistically dubious project might bring them the chance for even the most fleeting bit of fame. Certainly, nobody has tried doing this before?
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Reel Life Prison Hoes
Prison is a Bitch
Paris Hilton was ordered to go back to prison recently to complete her sentence, because apparently the judge didn't believe that being a spoiled, whiny little bitch was a legitimate medical concern.
Coming Soon:
June 15th brings us "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer," the shitty sequel to the shitty original. So it seems that an alien entity known as the Silver Surfer shows up on Earth to herald the coming of the planet devouring Galactus and it is up to the Fantastic Four to stop them, but they run into trouble when their old nemesis Dr. Doom shows up. Then things really get wild when Snoop Dog joins the party!
It's as if Marvel has decided to just dump all of their worn out, worthless comics into one franchise and put the man who directed "Taxi" at the helm. I'm not going to be interested until they throw in Moon Knight or the Sub-Mariner. Hawkeye, baby. That's what I'm talking about. Maybe a little Doctor Strange action. Little bit of She-Hulk while we're at it.
Opening June 22 is the sequel to "Bruce Almighty," "Evan Almighty," which has become the most expensive comedy ever produced and makes me stomach sick in a very magical way.
June 29 brings us the fourth "Die Hard" film, "Live Free or Die Hard." Did you know that there is also a "Transformers" movie coming out as well as another "Rambo" film? WHY ARE WE TRYING TO RELIVE THE 1980's! THEY SUCKED THE FIRST TIME AND THEY ARE SUCKING EVEN MORE NOW!
Also opening is the new Michael Moore documentary, "Sicko," which will cause a lot of controversy and arguments and then will be basically forgotten in a year or two because it really isn't all that interesting and he has nothing relevant to add to any argument, just like all of his other films.
Paris Hilton was ordered to go back to prison recently to complete her sentence, because apparently the judge didn't believe that being a spoiled, whiny little bitch was a legitimate medical concern.
Coming Soon:
June 15th brings us "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer," the shitty sequel to the shitty original. So it seems that an alien entity known as the Silver Surfer shows up on Earth to herald the coming of the planet devouring Galactus and it is up to the Fantastic Four to stop them, but they run into trouble when their old nemesis Dr. Doom shows up. Then things really get wild when Snoop Dog joins the party!
It's as if Marvel has decided to just dump all of their worn out, worthless comics into one franchise and put the man who directed "Taxi" at the helm. I'm not going to be interested until they throw in Moon Knight or the Sub-Mariner. Hawkeye, baby. That's what I'm talking about. Maybe a little Doctor Strange action. Little bit of She-Hulk while we're at it.
Opening June 22 is the sequel to "Bruce Almighty," "Evan Almighty," which has become the most expensive comedy ever produced and makes me stomach sick in a very magical way.
June 29 brings us the fourth "Die Hard" film, "Live Free or Die Hard." Did you know that there is also a "Transformers" movie coming out as well as another "Rambo" film? WHY ARE WE TRYING TO RELIVE THE 1980's! THEY SUCKED THE FIRST TIME AND THEY ARE SUCKING EVEN MORE NOW!
Also opening is the new Michael Moore documentary, "Sicko," which will cause a lot of controversy and arguments and then will be basically forgotten in a year or two because it really isn't all that interesting and he has nothing relevant to add to any argument, just like all of his other films.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
All the Important Stuff
Science News
Scientists have discovered some female sharks apparently can give birth without the assistance of a male partner. So Jesus came back as a hammerhead? Who saw that coming? Maybe the Methodists, but I think everyone else got blindsided.
American Idolatry
American Idol has oh my god THE SQUIRRELS ARE BACK INSIDE OF MY BRAIN!
This Week:
John Mayer is/is not banging Jessica Simpson (circle appropriate).
Scientists have discovered some female sharks apparently can give birth without the assistance of a male partner. So Jesus came back as a hammerhead? Who saw that coming? Maybe the Methodists, but I think everyone else got blindsided.
American Idolatry
American Idol has oh my god THE SQUIRRELS ARE BACK INSIDE OF MY BRAIN!
This Week:
John Mayer is/is not banging Jessica Simpson (circle appropriate).
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