Thursday, February 21, 2008

The March of Progress and Other News

This Article Brought to You In Hi-Def

The spat over which high definition video system would dominate the market has been decided. The winner: The one with the silly name that doesn't really describe what it is. With Blu-Ray the new gold standard in video image technology, consumers can now go out and replace their film collections, confident that they won't have to just replace them again for at least another year or two.

Taxman, Mr. Thief
Nicolas "Miscast" Cage has been accused of tax fraud, allegedly using his production company to write off $3.3 million in personal expenses. The total taxes Cage is disputing are $814,000 while his production company is refusing to pay an additional $988,000. Sounds like a lot, eh? Those dastardly tax officials, always trying to screw the struggling multi-millionaire, someone who gets more money for doing maybe three or four months of actual work in a year than anyone reading this site will likely see in their entire life. Damn shame, really.

Barely Legal
Lindsay Lohan has set the fists of millions of internet browsing men a blazing with her recent nude photo session. In the finest work of her career, the strung out, freckled piece of jailbait stripped down for a shoot identical to one done by Marilyn Monroe. I'm sure we can all look forward to Ms. Lohan copying Monroe's final pose: overdosing on barbiturates and collapsing naked on the floor.

Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Jumper," or "We Have This Special Effect and By God We're Going to Use It." Hayden Christensen plays some handsome asshole who gains amazing abilities without making any effort and instead of using them to better the world decides to fulfill all of his juvenile power fantasies. We're supposed to cheer for him.

2. "The Spiderwick Chronicles." And the post "Lord of the Rings"/"Harry Potter" fantasy franchise clusterfuck continues. 50/50 chance this is a giant marketing ploy rather than a film, but I have no interest in seeing it in any case, so I'll let it slide.

3. "Step Up 2 the Streets." Did somebody forget at some point that dance movies don't have to take place in some Hollywood dreamland version of "the ghetto" and that they can have actual plots happening in the background? Or am I just feeling nostalgia for a thing that never really existed?

4. "Fool's Gold." Holy fucking crap, does this look rancid. Is this why we let the writer's strike end? So we could get more of this?

5. "Definitely, Maybe." Could you be more vague?

6. "Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins." Another film depicting black people in one of the only two or three ways they seem palatable to a mass audience: The close knit family unit (the others being drug dealers and break dancers). Martin Lawrence continues to try and cover his bad habits with bland family comedies.

7. "Juno." The joys of teenage pregnancy, minus the consequences.

8. "The Bucket List." Topping the chart on the emotion-o-meter.

9. "Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Holy Fucking God I Weep For Our Culture."

10. "27 Dresses." You know, movies don't have to be mediocre. They can actually be exciting and interesting and thought-provoking and original and fun. However, by settling for movies like this rather than something new and thrilling, we work to lower the standards of our culture and dumb ourselves down until we can no longer recognize quality cinema. This film is a symptom of our national disease.

Have a pleasant day.

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