Monday, April 21, 2008

Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "The Forbidden Kingdom." "Hey, I know what would make this martial arts-fantasy film better! Let's shove an awkward white teenager in there! Who wants to see a whole movie full of Asians anyway?"

2. "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." I haven't seen it. I probably won't, despite the stream of accolades. The plot is the height of rom-com inanity and I think Judd Apatow has passed the point of being decent and fallen off the deep end of overrated. That he's only producing rather than writing or directing means the film is banking on his name rather than his talent.

3. "Prom Night." Did we all read about the same film? Because the one I read about and decided to avoid as if it were a HIV-infected pit bull looked like a total piece-of-shit movie no one with an active frontal lobe could ever possibly enjoy.

4. "88 Minutes." Al Pacino continues to cash out the bales of artistic goodwill he has earned by starring in something that feels like fatal accident at the cliche foundry.

5. "Nim's Island." Enjoy that sunny fantasy world, kiddos. Dark days are coming fast. You will look back at this film with fondness while you write self-absorbed poetry and cut yourselves just so you can watch the wound heal and feel as if something has been accomplished.

6. "21." Holy bloody hell, is this still here? Is this really the best thing everyone could think to watch?

7. "Street Kings." Years of pre-production purgatory, three directors attached and a major scripting overhaul led to this cinematic abortion in which Keanu Reeves speaks dialog that's ludicrous even by his non-existent standards. Hugh Laurie has a role, so I'll cut it a little slack. Not enough to see it, however.

8. "Horton Hears a Who The Fuck Actually Likes This Movie?"

9. "Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed." If you haven't heard of this, you aren't alone and are probably better off. This is that anti-science doc that has caused such a ruckus on the internet because of its claims that the theory of evolution led to the Holocaust. I suppose this is true, in much the same way as the laws of aerodynamics led to the September 11 terrorist attacks. The film is an unmitigated crock of shit (in part for its assumption that anyone wants to listen to Ben Stein talk for more than half a second at a time before punching him right in the fucking mouth), and audiences have responded with a colossal "meh." Despite the film's place on this list and the fact that it is now one of the highest grossing political documentaries of all time, it still only earned just over $3 million this weekend, about $500,000 short of its production budget. That isn't counting the many millions spent on marketing the film and the many more millions that will be spent on its legal defense (they kinda forgot to get the rights to a John Lennon song they used in the movie, and nobody is more lawsuit happy in the music industry than the lawyers connected to former Beatles. A song by the Killers and a number of the video clips shown in the film were also used without permission). Since few films do better in their second week than they did in their first, this is looking to be a turd in the water.

10. "Leatherheads." Earned less than the above movie despite only being in its third weekend and starring George Clooney.

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