Thursday, April 10, 2008

Murder, Mayhem and Celluloid

They Train You About This Before You Start Work
Lawanda Jackson, a hospital employee at the UCLA Medical Center who was caught accessing the records of over 60 celebrities, insists that she had no intention of selling off the information and was only "just being nosy." By "being nosy" she of course means "violating a federal law." At that point it actually kind of stops being "nosy" and starts being "a criminal offense that you know perfectly well will get you fired."

The Great Depression Produced Great Movies
A couple of film projects have fallen apart due to financing issues reportedly related to the current recession, include a new Oliver Stone project and a Tim Robbins-directed feature. Go, Recession, Go! Let's see if we can keep Michael Moore from making another film!

Current Top Ten at the Box Office
1. "21." Still fucking at it with this, eh? I'll once again go out on a limb here and say that no movie ever made about gambling has been better than mediocre.

2. "Nim's Island." I read the description of this and went, "Huh?" Springtime family fun about some people and some things and fuck it I'll never see it.

3. "Leatherheads." The only really positive thing I can think to say about this film is that there could be worse movies on this list.

4. "Horton Hears a Who!" I rest my case. Dr. Seuss is probably spinning so fast in his grave at this point that he could be used as an electric turbine.

5. "The Ruins." Sounded awesome, but the previews provoked nothing more than a thundering "'k" within me. Withholding judgment for the time being.

6. "Superhero Movie." I swear by all merciful mother of fuck I hate these fucking spoof movies and by extension anyone who is involved in them or willingly pays to see them. You will all rot in a vast seething hell of your own creation.

7. "Meet the Browns." Is it too much to ask of Tyler Perry that he try to make a movie that's good?

8. "Drillbit Taylor." Did I miss something here? I mean, this movie sucks, right? I have not seen any indication that it's funny, have heard nothing but poor reviews about it from friends and critics alike and yet there it sits, squatting on this list like a dead cat in my chili.

9. "Shutter." So...much...pain.

10. "10,000 B.C." Yikes. You know, I used to get depressed that movies like this always seem to become popular. I harked back to a better time when people could see quality films on a regular basis and good movies earned money from positive word-of-mouth while bad films were buried and forgotten. Then you know what I realized? There was no such time. It has always been shit. We have always supported the basest, most anti-intellectual, marketing-focused drivel imaginable and we only imagine it was ever better because film history has been written by appreciators who praise the quality works while ignoring the shit. But in truth it has always been a pretty steady diet of shit. Now I don't get depressed anymore when I see movies such as this making a fortune. I just polish my rifle, adjust my scope and wait for the hand of God to guide me.

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