I suppose I should at least recognize the fact that the Oscars did occur this weekend. Personally, I skipped it in favor of drinking heavily, so I have to take it on faith that they actually aired and awards were given out.
Some notes:
Best Picture: "Slumdog Millionaire", the least objectionable nominee, goes for the win. Not what I would call a great movie, but at least it's not some pandering piece of Hollywood liberal revisionist history or a thunderously dull exercise in stylistic hubris like some of the other nominees I could mention.
Best Actor: Called it. Did anyone actually think Mickey Rourke would nab it?
Best Actress: And Kate Winslet officially becomes the Meryl Streep of her generation.
Best Supporting Actor: The Vegas odds on Heath Ledger getting the award were practically 1-1. I think in the future, the ceremony can save a lot of broadcast time by just eliminating the presentation of awards that are foregone conclusions.
Best Supporting Actress: We could probably also skip awards where no one cares who wins, though that would slice out half the ceremony for me every year.
Best Director: Danny Boyle, for something that is really not his best work. Still: Suck it, Fincher.
Best Original Screenplay: "Milk"? Really? Did the copy of 2008 Adobe BioPic they used to write that thing accept the award?
Best Adapted Screenplay: This was a given, though maybe Eric Roth will take the hint and come up with a better idea that just slapping some art house paint on his old "Forrest Gump" screenplay.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Taken." Liam Neeson plays a former spy battling slave-traders for the life of his daughter. I'm actually happy to see this at the top of the list, since I always get a kick from watching Liam Neeson beat the shit out of people. Doesn't happen in enough of his movies.
2. "Paul Blart: Mall Cop." What fresh hell is this? Director Steve Carr continues to blight the earth with his cinematic vision, and the fact that someone thought Kevin James would make a thrilling lead in anything resembling a comedy goes to show that our cultural bankruptcy runs deep.
3. "The Uninvited." Christ, I miss good horror movies. The PG-13 rating has officially become a sign of over-market-tested, bland-as-a-beige-wall mediocrity. Movies like this just make me clutch on to my DVD of the original "Dawn of the Dead" all the tighter.
4. "Hotel for Dogs." Fuck a duck, does this look awful. I really can't stress this enough: Dog movies=boring movies. Add cute kids to the mix and you have a recipe for total mental degredation.
5. "Gran Torino." Clint Eastwood is sooooooo oooolllld. He's ooooooooollllllllld. And raaaaaaaaaciiiiissssst. But he learns an important leaaaaaaasssoooooonnn.
6. "Slumdog Millionar." If this movie wasn't as well made as it is, I would hate it. The story is the same sort of "love conquers all," "being together is our destiny" shit that every other romantic film out there peddles, and which has no relationship to the real world or real emotions. But this is such a good looking and well-constructed film, I can't really dislike it. Shame.
7. "Underworld: Rise of the Lycans." Actress Rhona Mitra is cursed. Here is a sample of her filmography: "Doomsday" (kinda shit), "Shooter"(pansy-ass action shit), "The Number 23" (really shit), "The Life of David Gale" (she should castrate her agent with a rusty tuna-can lid).
8. "New in Town." Hollywood likes to pretend it knows something about small towns. It doesn't, and hence these movies always fail.
9. "My Bloody Valentine 3-D." This is still here? Did anyone tell it that it could stay? For shame.
10. "Inkheart." Kids, power of imagination, evil goings on, fantasy, blah blah blah.
2. "Paul Blart: Mall Cop." What fresh hell is this? Director Steve Carr continues to blight the earth with his cinematic vision, and the fact that someone thought Kevin James would make a thrilling lead in anything resembling a comedy goes to show that our cultural bankruptcy runs deep.
3. "The Uninvited." Christ, I miss good horror movies. The PG-13 rating has officially become a sign of over-market-tested, bland-as-a-beige-wall mediocrity. Movies like this just make me clutch on to my DVD of the original "Dawn of the Dead" all the tighter.
4. "Hotel for Dogs." Fuck a duck, does this look awful. I really can't stress this enough: Dog movies=boring movies. Add cute kids to the mix and you have a recipe for total mental degredation.
5. "Gran Torino." Clint Eastwood is sooooooo oooolllld. He's ooooooooollllllllld. And raaaaaaaaaciiiiissssst. But he learns an important leaaaaaaasssoooooonnn.
6. "Slumdog Millionar." If this movie wasn't as well made as it is, I would hate it. The story is the same sort of "love conquers all," "being together is our destiny" shit that every other romantic film out there peddles, and which has no relationship to the real world or real emotions. But this is such a good looking and well-constructed film, I can't really dislike it. Shame.
7. "Underworld: Rise of the Lycans." Actress Rhona Mitra is cursed. Here is a sample of her filmography: "Doomsday" (kinda shit), "Shooter"(pansy-ass action shit), "The Number 23" (really shit), "The Life of David Gale" (she should castrate her agent with a rusty tuna-can lid).
8. "New in Town." Hollywood likes to pretend it knows something about small towns. It doesn't, and hence these movies always fail.
9. "My Bloody Valentine 3-D." This is still here? Did anyone tell it that it could stay? For shame.
10. "Inkheart." Kids, power of imagination, evil goings on, fantasy, blah blah blah.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Year of the Suck: 2008 Oscar Nominations
For the most part, 2008 was a piece of crap year for everything. Sure, we got a decent president, but the effect of that didn't really start until 2009. So I think we can really just write off the whole last years as "not worth fuck all." Just a big black mark in the history books where 2008 should be, "Not worth a tick-riddled dog dick" written over it.
So with that image in mind, here is the most recent batch of Oscar nominations. May our sins be forgiven.
Best Picture
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button": A man is born an old man, ages backwards, then dies as a child. Commentary on human condition: Not really. Any lasting significance: No.
"Frost/Nixon": My money's on Nixon. Frost is younger, but ol' Tricky Dick is a wily one.
"Milk": A very average movie telling an interesting story.
"The Reader": Kate Winslet seems to have made a career out of sleeping with young men. It also has Nazis.
"Slumdog Millionaire": A film so full of feel-goodness that you just want to bloody well punch a nun after seeing it.
Best Director
David Fincher, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button": David Fincher can go suck a curly cock for all I care about him. He has a lot of style hiding a lack of ideas and the majority of his filmography is like a depressing wart sitting in the memories of my cinematic experiences.
Ron Howard, "Frost/Nixon": Ron Howard was nominated for a film that isn't a saccharine, happy-time whitewashing of history? Lord be praised.
Gus Van Sant, "Milk": These days, I'm just happy when Van Sant directs a film that doesn't make me want to strangle him with his own internal organs.
Stephen Daldry, "The Reader": I'm trying really, really hard to care about this film's existence as if it actually matters. It's hard, because it doesn't.
Danny Boyle, "Slumdog Millionaire": The least objectionable choice, though I wish Boyle would go back to making movies about heroin-addicted zombies. Not that I want to typecast him for those films, I just think there should be more of them.
Best Actor
Richard Jenkins, "The Visitor": Apparently it has something to say about illegal immigrants living with real people.
Frank Langella, "Frost/Nixon": I guess he's pretty Nixony.
Sean Penn, "Milk": Do you really need to nominate anyone else? We all know how this is going to turn out.
Brad Pitt, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button": This is some sort of bad omen.
Mickey Rourke, "The Wrestler": This is worse.
Best Actress
Anne Hathaway, "Rachel Getting Married": Maybe my desire to see her win is related to my desire to bone her stupid. I'll have to talk to my bookie.
Angelina Jolie, "Changeling": I hear she drinks the blood of kittens.
Melissa Leo, "Frozen River": She smuggles stuff and it's cold. Awesome.
Meryl Streep, "Doubt": I just realized that Streep hasn't actually won an Oscar since 1982. Needs more cancer roles, I say.
Kate Winslet, "The Reader": At this point I think Winslet's movie career is just an excuse to bang teenagers.
Best Original Screenplay
"Happy-Go-Lucky": Wanted to see it, missed it, will probably never see it.
"Frozen River": Yeah, really cold, poor people, Eskimos. Gotcha.
"In Bruges": The only thing I care about even slightly this entire award season.
"Milk": Wow, someone came up with the idea of a heartwarming story of human struggle overcoming adversity? The air feels so much fresher now.
"Wall*E": Yeah, why the fuck not?
Best Adapted Screenplay
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button": I doubt F. Scott Fitzgerald would recognize his short story in this film. Though I doubt F. Scott Fitzgerald would recognize his own face in the mirror during much of his hazy waking life, what with it being caked with his own 90 proof gin vomit. He's also dead.
"Frost/Nixon": Now the "Presley/Nixon" tapes, that would be a good story. Nixon: "Jews....(garbled)...fuckers...all out to get me." Elvis: "BLAAAGGH!"
"Doubt": You know, apparently some people have doubts. And some people thought this would be an interesting idea for a movie.
"The Reader": So?
"Slumdog Millionaire": Yeah, sure. Fuck it. Fuck it all.
So with that image in mind, here is the most recent batch of Oscar nominations. May our sins be forgiven.
Best Picture
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button": A man is born an old man, ages backwards, then dies as a child. Commentary on human condition: Not really. Any lasting significance: No.
"Frost/Nixon": My money's on Nixon. Frost is younger, but ol' Tricky Dick is a wily one.
"Milk": A very average movie telling an interesting story.
"The Reader": Kate Winslet seems to have made a career out of sleeping with young men. It also has Nazis.
"Slumdog Millionaire": A film so full of feel-goodness that you just want to bloody well punch a nun after seeing it.
Best Director
David Fincher, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button": David Fincher can go suck a curly cock for all I care about him. He has a lot of style hiding a lack of ideas and the majority of his filmography is like a depressing wart sitting in the memories of my cinematic experiences.
Ron Howard, "Frost/Nixon": Ron Howard was nominated for a film that isn't a saccharine, happy-time whitewashing of history? Lord be praised.
Gus Van Sant, "Milk": These days, I'm just happy when Van Sant directs a film that doesn't make me want to strangle him with his own internal organs.
Stephen Daldry, "The Reader": I'm trying really, really hard to care about this film's existence as if it actually matters. It's hard, because it doesn't.
Danny Boyle, "Slumdog Millionaire": The least objectionable choice, though I wish Boyle would go back to making movies about heroin-addicted zombies. Not that I want to typecast him for those films, I just think there should be more of them.
Best Actor
Richard Jenkins, "The Visitor": Apparently it has something to say about illegal immigrants living with real people.
Frank Langella, "Frost/Nixon": I guess he's pretty Nixony.
Sean Penn, "Milk": Do you really need to nominate anyone else? We all know how this is going to turn out.
Brad Pitt, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button": This is some sort of bad omen.
Mickey Rourke, "The Wrestler": This is worse.
Best Actress
Anne Hathaway, "Rachel Getting Married": Maybe my desire to see her win is related to my desire to bone her stupid. I'll have to talk to my bookie.
Angelina Jolie, "Changeling": I hear she drinks the blood of kittens.
Melissa Leo, "Frozen River": She smuggles stuff and it's cold. Awesome.
Meryl Streep, "Doubt": I just realized that Streep hasn't actually won an Oscar since 1982. Needs more cancer roles, I say.
Kate Winslet, "The Reader": At this point I think Winslet's movie career is just an excuse to bang teenagers.
Best Original Screenplay
"Happy-Go-Lucky": Wanted to see it, missed it, will probably never see it.
"Frozen River": Yeah, really cold, poor people, Eskimos. Gotcha.
"In Bruges": The only thing I care about even slightly this entire award season.
"Milk": Wow, someone came up with the idea of a heartwarming story of human struggle overcoming adversity? The air feels so much fresher now.
"Wall*E": Yeah, why the fuck not?
Best Adapted Screenplay
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button": I doubt F. Scott Fitzgerald would recognize his short story in this film. Though I doubt F. Scott Fitzgerald would recognize his own face in the mirror during much of his hazy waking life, what with it being caked with his own 90 proof gin vomit. He's also dead.
"Frost/Nixon": Now the "Presley/Nixon" tapes, that would be a good story. Nixon: "Jews....(garbled)...fuckers...all out to get me." Elvis: "BLAAAGGH!"
"Doubt": You know, apparently some people have doubts. And some people thought this would be an interesting idea for a movie.
"The Reader": So?
"Slumdog Millionaire": Yeah, sure. Fuck it. Fuck it all.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Coming Soon and Top Ten
God Dammit, what a fucking pitiful month December was. "The Spirit" seems to be fulfilling all my worst ideas about it and "Quantum of Solace" wasn't nearly good enough to go see again (ever, for any reason). The theaters were a barren wasteland of holiday comedies and other such saccharine drivel. Doesn't look like next month is going to improve matters much, but let's look anyway.
Coming Soon:
January 2 brings us nothing. Really. Not a single major release that I can find is coming out on Friday ("Defiance" is getting a limited release to make the Oscar deadline. I'll get to that in a bit).
January 9 gives us something worse than nothing in the form of "Bride Wars," starring Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway as brides competing with each other for some dumbfuck reason or other.
Also opening is "The Unborn," a horror film from David S. Goyer. The preview has some creepy elements to it, but it looks like a pretty standard J-horror retread. You'll notice they're marketing it as "from the co-writer of 'The Dark Knight'" rather than as "from the director of 'The Invisible'" even though the latter credit seems more relevant.
January 16 brings us the above mentioned "Defiance," a story of courage, honor, Jews, WWII and other Oscar-ready topics. Stars Daniel Craig and some Nazis.
Also opening is "My Bloody Valentine 3-D," which looks about as good as something this completely and utterly pointless can look. The reason this is coming out a month before Valentine's Day is that the "Friday the 13th" remake already took the February 13 slot. It's kind of like watching one retarded elephant get knocked down by another, larger, retarded elephant. You feel a little bad for the smaller one, then you get over it when you remember that they're just a bunch of retarded elephants.
January 23 births another "Underworld" sequel screaming and wet into this world, something I need like a lead pipe to the cranium. Also opening is "Killshot," an Elmore Leonard novel adapted into a total Weinstein Bros.' clusterfuck. The film was directed by John Madden and produced by Quentin Tarantino, so by all rights it should be shitting money right into Harvey Weinstein's wallet, but apparently the film came out as such as turd that it's had its release date moved back five times and is now nearly three years old.
Top Ten at the Box Office:
1. "Marley & Me." If there is one thing in this world that bores me more than football movies, it's dog movies. I feel sticky and weird just looking at the posters for them, like my skin has just be rubbed with cane sugar. I have a low tolerance for heartwarming tales of companionship, and I personally don't like owning pets (I have a rule not to own anything that will die if I leave my apartment locked and unattended for three weeks). A more appropriate tagline: "The story of an adorable pet that can be replaced at least five times in the average human lifespan".
2. "Bedtime Stories." Jesus, people must be ill this time of year if this is the kind of crap that's at the top of this list. Adam Sandler and Disney, working together with some gimmicky kid's comedy that exhausted its novelty about three seconds into the preview.
3. "The Curious Case of How People Have Been Fooled Into Believing David Fincher Has Any Real Ideas." He also apparently doesn't have an editor, since this adaptation of an F. Scott Fitzgerald short story has been pumped to a solid 159 minutes, I guess to give that fabled Brad Pitt thespian talent some room to breath.
4. "Valkyrie." This is the tale of a plot by some Nazis to assassinate Hitler during WWII. Gee, wonder how that turned out? So is it like "The Lost Stories of World War II" month or something? I am fucking sick to death of that war. Why not a good World War One story? Maybe something about the Battle of the Somme, that one where 1.5 million people were killed over the course of four months (including 57,000 British casualties during the first day alone). Fuck all this "no moral ambiguity, good guys v. bad guys" crap. I want rivers of blood and years of rotting, screaming horror. That's a war, people.
But I digress. The real point of "Valkyrie" is to revive Tom Cruise's public image from the shit-filled gutter it's been squatting in for the last few years. Too bad he never got that "acting" thing down right.
5. "The Yes Man." Christ, this is getting painful. Did Jim Carrey's cash jacuzzi need a refill, or has he just been tossing piles of money into a large wood fire oven so as to give his homemade pizza that "pitiful waste of riches" zing it was missing? This is so fucking unnecessary I'm surprised I can even focus on it for long enough to write this. Surprised, but not pleased.
6. "Seven Pounds." I care less about movies the more Will Smith is in them. And I mean that in a general sense, not a specific one. I actually become less of a fan of cinema the larger a star Will Smith becomes. I think his continued desire to make movies actually ruins movies with which he has no connection. If he continues on this upward trend, within the next few years I'll probably feel the same way about "Casablanca" as I do about drinking warm spittle.
7. "The Tale of Despereaux." CGI mouse, knightly adventures, no real interest. Gotcha.
8. "The Day the Earth Stood Still." Sometimes I worry that mediocrity is winning the war for our culture. Then I remember that mediocrity is the norm, not the exception. And I cry.
9. "The Spirit." I had such high hopes after the first preview. Should have seen it coming. With every other second of this film that got revealed over the following months, the anticipation I felt withered and eventually died, like an old woman who led a grand, exciting life only to be taken down in a long and painful battle with the diseases that resulted from her decades of debauchery and hedonism.
10. "Doubt." This looks pretty good.
Coming Soon:
January 2 brings us nothing. Really. Not a single major release that I can find is coming out on Friday ("Defiance" is getting a limited release to make the Oscar deadline. I'll get to that in a bit).
January 9 gives us something worse than nothing in the form of "Bride Wars," starring Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway as brides competing with each other for some dumbfuck reason or other.
Also opening is "The Unborn," a horror film from David S. Goyer. The preview has some creepy elements to it, but it looks like a pretty standard J-horror retread. You'll notice they're marketing it as "from the co-writer of 'The Dark Knight'" rather than as "from the director of 'The Invisible'" even though the latter credit seems more relevant.
January 16 brings us the above mentioned "Defiance," a story of courage, honor, Jews, WWII and other Oscar-ready topics. Stars Daniel Craig and some Nazis.
Also opening is "My Bloody Valentine 3-D," which looks about as good as something this completely and utterly pointless can look. The reason this is coming out a month before Valentine's Day is that the "Friday the 13th" remake already took the February 13 slot. It's kind of like watching one retarded elephant get knocked down by another, larger, retarded elephant. You feel a little bad for the smaller one, then you get over it when you remember that they're just a bunch of retarded elephants.
January 23 births another "Underworld" sequel screaming and wet into this world, something I need like a lead pipe to the cranium. Also opening is "Killshot," an Elmore Leonard novel adapted into a total Weinstein Bros.' clusterfuck. The film was directed by John Madden and produced by Quentin Tarantino, so by all rights it should be shitting money right into Harvey Weinstein's wallet, but apparently the film came out as such as turd that it's had its release date moved back five times and is now nearly three years old.
Top Ten at the Box Office:
1. "Marley & Me." If there is one thing in this world that bores me more than football movies, it's dog movies. I feel sticky and weird just looking at the posters for them, like my skin has just be rubbed with cane sugar. I have a low tolerance for heartwarming tales of companionship, and I personally don't like owning pets (I have a rule not to own anything that will die if I leave my apartment locked and unattended for three weeks). A more appropriate tagline: "The story of an adorable pet that can be replaced at least five times in the average human lifespan".
2. "Bedtime Stories." Jesus, people must be ill this time of year if this is the kind of crap that's at the top of this list. Adam Sandler and Disney, working together with some gimmicky kid's comedy that exhausted its novelty about three seconds into the preview.
3. "The Curious Case of How People Have Been Fooled Into Believing David Fincher Has Any Real Ideas." He also apparently doesn't have an editor, since this adaptation of an F. Scott Fitzgerald short story has been pumped to a solid 159 minutes, I guess to give that fabled Brad Pitt thespian talent some room to breath.
4. "Valkyrie." This is the tale of a plot by some Nazis to assassinate Hitler during WWII. Gee, wonder how that turned out? So is it like "The Lost Stories of World War II" month or something? I am fucking sick to death of that war. Why not a good World War One story? Maybe something about the Battle of the Somme, that one where 1.5 million people were killed over the course of four months (including 57,000 British casualties during the first day alone). Fuck all this "no moral ambiguity, good guys v. bad guys" crap. I want rivers of blood and years of rotting, screaming horror. That's a war, people.
But I digress. The real point of "Valkyrie" is to revive Tom Cruise's public image from the shit-filled gutter it's been squatting in for the last few years. Too bad he never got that "acting" thing down right.
5. "The Yes Man." Christ, this is getting painful. Did Jim Carrey's cash jacuzzi need a refill, or has he just been tossing piles of money into a large wood fire oven so as to give his homemade pizza that "pitiful waste of riches" zing it was missing? This is so fucking unnecessary I'm surprised I can even focus on it for long enough to write this. Surprised, but not pleased.
6. "Seven Pounds." I care less about movies the more Will Smith is in them. And I mean that in a general sense, not a specific one. I actually become less of a fan of cinema the larger a star Will Smith becomes. I think his continued desire to make movies actually ruins movies with which he has no connection. If he continues on this upward trend, within the next few years I'll probably feel the same way about "Casablanca" as I do about drinking warm spittle.
7. "The Tale of Despereaux." CGI mouse, knightly adventures, no real interest. Gotcha.
8. "The Day the Earth Stood Still." Sometimes I worry that mediocrity is winning the war for our culture. Then I remember that mediocrity is the norm, not the exception. And I cry.
9. "The Spirit." I had such high hopes after the first preview. Should have seen it coming. With every other second of this film that got revealed over the following months, the anticipation I felt withered and eventually died, like an old woman who led a grand, exciting life only to be taken down in a long and painful battle with the diseases that resulted from her decades of debauchery and hedonism.
10. "Doubt." This looks pretty good.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Slow Grinding Nothing: Opening This Month
This Friday we get a treat in watching Beyonce Knowles try and pull off Etta James in "Cadillac Records," a biopic about Chess Records and its classic artists. Apparently Knowles is the only star any studio executive can think if to play a R&B artist, since she's about a stone too thin to play the singer during her peak years. Mos Def is Chuck Berry, so I can't complain too much.
Also opening, for some reason, is "Punisher: War Zone," a rejiggered sequel with a new star and new director, though oddly enough it seems to have kept the same script. Original star Thomas Jane has been replaced by equally cardboard-like Ray Stevenson (seriously, are these guys grown in a lab somewhere?) though I doubt anyone will notice.
December 12 brings us what has to be one of the most useless things ever (and I'm including that tiolet paper dispenser with the iPod mount attached to it in this category) in the form of the remake of "The Day the Earth Stood Still." The film stars Keanu Reeves, to the extent that Keanu Reeves can "star" in anything. I'm guessing what happened here is that someone saw how much that "War of the Worlds" thing Spielberg did worked and decided to dig up another old chestnut from the classic sci-fi era and dump a useless lump of chalk such as Keanu in it.
Also opening is "Gran Torino," a new urban drama from Clint Eastwood. Though Eastwood has already released one piece of Oscar-bait this year, it seems he feels like hedging his bets a little for award season and is starring in this one as well as directing it. Still, he seems to have aged into his badassery pretty well and his voice sounds like an earthquake in a gravel pit, so no complaints.
On December 19th is "Seven Pounds," another Will Smith tale of hope and understanding that will make serious bank and be forgotten before the year is out.
Also opening is "The Wrestler," a film for all of those people who wanted to see Mickey Rourke back in a starring roll, with Marisa Tomei as his female lead. At least, I assume there must be people out there who wanted to see that. There are people who like to have sex while dressed in animal costumes, so why not?
Of course, we can't forget the latest Jim Carrey pain parade, "The Yes Man," in which America's beloved fartsmith comes back to form (and $20 million dollar paychecks) with some convoluted plot designed to make him do absurd things that make no sense. It truly is a season of miracles.
December 26 brings us "The Spirit," Frank Miller's adaptation of the classic Wil Eisner comic. The first preview I saw was impressive and at first I was looking forward to some cheap holiday badass entertainment. However, everything else I've seen from the film since then has been, to put it politely, llama shit. I'll probably still see it, just because some train wrecks deserve to be watched.
Also opening, for some reason, is "Punisher: War Zone," a rejiggered sequel with a new star and new director, though oddly enough it seems to have kept the same script. Original star Thomas Jane has been replaced by equally cardboard-like Ray Stevenson (seriously, are these guys grown in a lab somewhere?) though I doubt anyone will notice.
December 12 brings us what has to be one of the most useless things ever (and I'm including that tiolet paper dispenser with the iPod mount attached to it in this category) in the form of the remake of "The Day the Earth Stood Still." The film stars Keanu Reeves, to the extent that Keanu Reeves can "star" in anything. I'm guessing what happened here is that someone saw how much that "War of the Worlds" thing Spielberg did worked and decided to dig up another old chestnut from the classic sci-fi era and dump a useless lump of chalk such as Keanu in it.
Also opening is "Gran Torino," a new urban drama from Clint Eastwood. Though Eastwood has already released one piece of Oscar-bait this year, it seems he feels like hedging his bets a little for award season and is starring in this one as well as directing it. Still, he seems to have aged into his badassery pretty well and his voice sounds like an earthquake in a gravel pit, so no complaints.
On December 19th is "Seven Pounds," another Will Smith tale of hope and understanding that will make serious bank and be forgotten before the year is out.
Also opening is "The Wrestler," a film for all of those people who wanted to see Mickey Rourke back in a starring roll, with Marisa Tomei as his female lead. At least, I assume there must be people out there who wanted to see that. There are people who like to have sex while dressed in animal costumes, so why not?
Of course, we can't forget the latest Jim Carrey pain parade, "The Yes Man," in which America's beloved fartsmith comes back to form (and $20 million dollar paychecks) with some convoluted plot designed to make him do absurd things that make no sense. It truly is a season of miracles.
December 26 brings us "The Spirit," Frank Miller's adaptation of the classic Wil Eisner comic. The first preview I saw was impressive and at first I was looking forward to some cheap holiday badass entertainment. However, everything else I've seen from the film since then has been, to put it politely, llama shit. I'll probably still see it, just because some train wrecks deserve to be watched.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Opening This Week and the Top Ten
Opening This Week
The big one is the sequel to 2006's James Bond revision, the ball-flatteningly awesome "Casino Royale." Called "Quantum of Solace," this film picks up where "Casino" left off, with Daniel Craig James Bonding it the fuck up by running over rooftops and shooting things and wearing suits and generally just being a badass.
Some might wonder at my enthusiasm for these new Bond films given my dour view of everything else that's been released in the modern era. Basically, I just enjoy seeing an action film that feels real, uses CGI only when necessary and has a fairly smart script. I feel the same way about the new "Batman" films. Not necessarily the best movies ever, but how rare is it for you to experience a purely entertaining piece of cinema that doesn't insult your intelligence? It is very fucking rare, that's how rare. Let me have my moment.
Also opening is... fuck it. James Bond, motherfuckers!
Top Ten at the Box Office
1. "Madagascar: Escape 2 Mediocrity." Our lovable cast of talking animals runs through another hackneyed piece of rote comedy for the kiddies. Will anything of interest happen during the 89 minute running time? My prognostications say "no, nothing will happen."
2. "Role Models." Energy drinks plus assholes. Has there ever been a riper subject for comedy?
3. "High School Musical 3: Senior Year" Hey, Vanessa Hudgens. I saw your vag on the Internet. Just thought you should know.
4. "Changling." Clint Eastwood's latest piece of Oscar-bait, aiming for a "Chinatown," "wow wasn't Los Angeles interesting during the 1920s and 30s, it sure is the only city in the world where anything ever happened" thing.
5. "Zack and Miri Make a Porno." I'm split over this. A lot of people have told me it's funny, but on the other hand I want to see Kevin Smith lose his nuts in an accident with an industrial cheese grater. Decisions, decisions.
6. "Soul Men." A film about two former soul singers who reunite for one last concert. Stars Samuel L. Jackson and the ghostly visage of the late Bernie Mac.
7. "Saw V." Holy shit, are they still making these? I must have stroked off there for a month or so. People have noticed that these all suck, right? Like, with bad scripts and horrible acting and cinematography that wouldn't pass muster at a low-rent film school award show?
8. "The Haunting of Molly Hartley." Bland, cheap-ass PG-13 devil possession thing. Has Catholic schoolgirl uniforms going for it, but not much else.
9. "The Secret Life of Bees." Estrogen-fest. Not my kind of thing.
10. "Eagle Eye." I still refuse to believe the basic concept of this film, which is that someone actually wants to know what Shia LeBeouf is doing at any given moment. Because if it's not "drowning in a pool of his own mediocrity," then I can't conceive of anyone having an interest.
The big one is the sequel to 2006's James Bond revision, the ball-flatteningly awesome "Casino Royale." Called "Quantum of Solace," this film picks up where "Casino" left off, with Daniel Craig James Bonding it the fuck up by running over rooftops and shooting things and wearing suits and generally just being a badass.
Some might wonder at my enthusiasm for these new Bond films given my dour view of everything else that's been released in the modern era. Basically, I just enjoy seeing an action film that feels real, uses CGI only when necessary and has a fairly smart script. I feel the same way about the new "Batman" films. Not necessarily the best movies ever, but how rare is it for you to experience a purely entertaining piece of cinema that doesn't insult your intelligence? It is very fucking rare, that's how rare. Let me have my moment.
Also opening is... fuck it. James Bond, motherfuckers!
Top Ten at the Box Office
1. "Madagascar: Escape 2 Mediocrity." Our lovable cast of talking animals runs through another hackneyed piece of rote comedy for the kiddies. Will anything of interest happen during the 89 minute running time? My prognostications say "no, nothing will happen."
2. "Role Models." Energy drinks plus assholes. Has there ever been a riper subject for comedy?
3. "High School Musical 3: Senior Year" Hey, Vanessa Hudgens. I saw your vag on the Internet. Just thought you should know.
4. "Changling." Clint Eastwood's latest piece of Oscar-bait, aiming for a "Chinatown," "wow wasn't Los Angeles interesting during the 1920s and 30s, it sure is the only city in the world where anything ever happened" thing.
5. "Zack and Miri Make a Porno." I'm split over this. A lot of people have told me it's funny, but on the other hand I want to see Kevin Smith lose his nuts in an accident with an industrial cheese grater. Decisions, decisions.
6. "Soul Men." A film about two former soul singers who reunite for one last concert. Stars Samuel L. Jackson and the ghostly visage of the late Bernie Mac.
7. "Saw V." Holy shit, are they still making these? I must have stroked off there for a month or so. People have noticed that these all suck, right? Like, with bad scripts and horrible acting and cinematography that wouldn't pass muster at a low-rent film school award show?
8. "The Haunting of Molly Hartley." Bland, cheap-ass PG-13 devil possession thing. Has Catholic schoolgirl uniforms going for it, but not much else.
9. "The Secret Life of Bees." Estrogen-fest. Not my kind of thing.
10. "Eagle Eye." I still refuse to believe the basic concept of this film, which is that someone actually wants to know what Shia LeBeouf is doing at any given moment. Because if it's not "drowning in a pool of his own mediocrity," then I can't conceive of anyone having an interest.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Extra Spooky Blog Post
Since I feel like getting into the Halloween spirit at the moment (as opposed to tonight, when I will get into the "drunken stupor" spirit and later the "beat up children and steal their candy" spirit) I think I will regale you with a list of the planned horror releases we have no choice but to look forward to over the upcoming months. Enjoy wearing a novel costume (perhaps celebrating some abstract subject, or possibly as a "sexy" version of a common profession) while celebrating this ancient harvest festival in the traditional manner, i.e. throwing the bones of slaughtered animals into a bonfire and pouring ale into the ocean as a libation for the sea gods.
Now for our horror movie goodness:
November 7 brings us "House," which is fortunately not a remake of the 1980s non-classic, but makes up for this failing with one of its own, in that it's a fairly generic serial killer thriller that focuses on the battle between good and evil with what some are calling a Christian bent. Golly, wonder which side will win? Has some Michael Madsen crazy goodness, so there is that at least.
I would be remiss in not mentioning the November 21 release of "Twilight," which isn't a horror film per say, but does have vampires. It's based on a wildly popular series of young adult novels, which is really all I need to know to know that I have next to no interest in it. This has a built in screaming-teenage-girl fan base, so I don't think my support will be missed. I have a general equation I live by, which is that if you want to make something completely mediocre, just add vampires to it. Cop shows, superhero comics, romantic comedies and basically any horror film made since 1980. I'm fucking sick of vampires, and you should all be ashamed of yourself.
There are no major horror releases in December (to be expected during the award season rush) but January 9 brings us a ripe slice of shit in the "Hellraiser" remake. This will probably be pushed back again as a new director, Frenchman Pascal Laugier, was just announced a couple of days ago and there has been no announced cast. Ideally, it never happens. Realistically, the best you can hope for is mediocrity.
January is a common dumping ground for studio leftovers and embarrassments, which brings us to "My Bloody Valentine 3-D," which opens on January 16. From the preview, it seems the primary reason for this remake to exist is so pick-axes can be thrown at the screen. The hopeful could take it as a sign that the horror movie remake cycle is coming to an end, since they wouldn't be trying to spice up these blandfests with 3-D gimmicks otherwise. I'm not hopeful, and the rest of this list should explain why.
January 23 brings us the exciting third film in the "Underworld" series, "Rise of the Lycans," in which... Kate Beckinsale isn't in it? Fuuuuuck. Her tight leather pants were the only thing that made the first two films bearable (if slightly frustrating).
On January 30, we get a treat of another bland J-horror-inspired (not a remake, fortunately) film about creepy ghost children. "The Uninvited" stars some people doing some things and this will be forgotten before the second reel starts.
February 13 brings us the reason that the "My Bloody Valentine" remake didn't open closer to Valentine's Day in the "Friday the 13th" remake/reimagining thing. Fanboys will shit their pants over this right up until it opens. From what I've seen so far, looks fairly generic, but apparently I hate everything .
Skipping ahead to April 3, we get "The Wolf Man" remake as part of Hollywood's continuing effort to shit on my fond childhood memories. The cast is solid (Benicio Del Toro stars, with Anthony Hopkins as his father) but the director is Joe Johnston. He's one of these hack directing automatons you hire when you want something to be moderately successful and as mediocre as possible (try to envision these films in your mind: "Jumanji," "Jurassic Park III" and "Hildalgo.") If you like weepy sentimentality in your horror films, this will be the one for you.
Now for our horror movie goodness:
November 7 brings us "House," which is fortunately not a remake of the 1980s non-classic, but makes up for this failing with one of its own, in that it's a fairly generic serial killer thriller that focuses on the battle between good and evil with what some are calling a Christian bent. Golly, wonder which side will win? Has some Michael Madsen crazy goodness, so there is that at least.
I would be remiss in not mentioning the November 21 release of "Twilight," which isn't a horror film per say, but does have vampires. It's based on a wildly popular series of young adult novels, which is really all I need to know to know that I have next to no interest in it. This has a built in screaming-teenage-girl fan base, so I don't think my support will be missed. I have a general equation I live by, which is that if you want to make something completely mediocre, just add vampires to it. Cop shows, superhero comics, romantic comedies and basically any horror film made since 1980. I'm fucking sick of vampires, and you should all be ashamed of yourself.
There are no major horror releases in December (to be expected during the award season rush) but January 9 brings us a ripe slice of shit in the "Hellraiser" remake. This will probably be pushed back again as a new director, Frenchman Pascal Laugier, was just announced a couple of days ago and there has been no announced cast. Ideally, it never happens. Realistically, the best you can hope for is mediocrity.
January is a common dumping ground for studio leftovers and embarrassments, which brings us to "My Bloody Valentine 3-D," which opens on January 16. From the preview, it seems the primary reason for this remake to exist is so pick-axes can be thrown at the screen. The hopeful could take it as a sign that the horror movie remake cycle is coming to an end, since they wouldn't be trying to spice up these blandfests with 3-D gimmicks otherwise. I'm not hopeful, and the rest of this list should explain why.
January 23 brings us the exciting third film in the "Underworld" series, "Rise of the Lycans," in which... Kate Beckinsale isn't in it? Fuuuuuck. Her tight leather pants were the only thing that made the first two films bearable (if slightly frustrating).
On January 30, we get a treat of another bland J-horror-inspired (not a remake, fortunately) film about creepy ghost children. "The Uninvited" stars some people doing some things and this will be forgotten before the second reel starts.
February 13 brings us the reason that the "My Bloody Valentine" remake didn't open closer to Valentine's Day in the "Friday the 13th" remake/reimagining thing. Fanboys will shit their pants over this right up until it opens. From what I've seen so far, looks fairly generic, but apparently I hate everything .
Skipping ahead to April 3, we get "The Wolf Man" remake as part of Hollywood's continuing effort to shit on my fond childhood memories. The cast is solid (Benicio Del Toro stars, with Anthony Hopkins as his father) but the director is Joe Johnston. He's one of these hack directing automatons you hire when you want something to be moderately successful and as mediocre as possible (try to envision these films in your mind: "Jumanji," "Jurassic Park III" and "Hildalgo.") If you like weepy sentimentality in your horror films, this will be the one for you.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Divorce, Pestilence and Fashionistas
Their Pain is Funny
Gweneth Paltrow has stated publicly that she is offering her support to Madonna, who is going through a divorce with husband Guy Ritchie. Because nothing soothes the pain caused by a painful break-up like the support of your skeletal, talent-atrophied friends.
The State of the Nation
Vice-Presidential candidate and Brit Hume fan club member Sarah Palin recently courted some controversy in the press by referring to small towns as "the real America" and as being "the pro-America" parts of this country. The irony of her being married to a secessionist aside, I'm really sick of the trumping of "small town values" over all others. Small towns are where you live when you don't have the ambition or drive to try for something better, or where you move to once you've earned enough money to be able to afford to never have to actually deal with the problems with living in one. They're not inherently nicer or better than urban areas. The dimwit-to-normal-intelligence ratio is about the same in each setting (that is, staggeringly skewed to the former). Mrs. Palin's husband, Todd, also had a great little quip along the same lines recently, referring to "hunting and fishing" as American values. We'll let Mr. Palin's confusion over the difference between "values" and "activities" slide for a moment. Along these lines of thought, in terms of time spent engaged in them, some more accurate American values would seem to include "meth production" and "complaining about Mexicans."
Fuck small towns.
Death of a Professional Prick
Richard Blackwell, a fashion critic famous for his annual "Worst Dressed Women" lists, died on Sunday of complications from an intestinal infection. I guess that's what happens when you spend your career pulling opinions out of your ass. I know I should probably be more sensitive to the passing of an old man, but I honestly see anyone involved in the fashion industry as being the scum of our planet. It's a massive, useless scam perpetuated by the vainest, most self-possessed people imaginable and supported by the simpering, suckling need for status and conformity. But I digress.
Gweneth Paltrow has stated publicly that she is offering her support to Madonna, who is going through a divorce with husband Guy Ritchie. Because nothing soothes the pain caused by a painful break-up like the support of your skeletal, talent-atrophied friends.
The State of the Nation
Vice-Presidential candidate and Brit Hume fan club member Sarah Palin recently courted some controversy in the press by referring to small towns as "the real America" and as being "the pro-America" parts of this country. The irony of her being married to a secessionist aside, I'm really sick of the trumping of "small town values" over all others. Small towns are where you live when you don't have the ambition or drive to try for something better, or where you move to once you've earned enough money to be able to afford to never have to actually deal with the problems with living in one. They're not inherently nicer or better than urban areas. The dimwit-to-normal-intelligence ratio is about the same in each setting (that is, staggeringly skewed to the former). Mrs. Palin's husband, Todd, also had a great little quip along the same lines recently, referring to "hunting and fishing" as American values. We'll let Mr. Palin's confusion over the difference between "values" and "activities" slide for a moment. Along these lines of thought, in terms of time spent engaged in them, some more accurate American values would seem to include "meth production" and "complaining about Mexicans."
Fuck small towns.
Death of a Professional Prick
Richard Blackwell, a fashion critic famous for his annual "Worst Dressed Women" lists, died on Sunday of complications from an intestinal infection. I guess that's what happens when you spend your career pulling opinions out of your ass. I know I should probably be more sensitive to the passing of an old man, but I honestly see anyone involved in the fashion industry as being the scum of our planet. It's a massive, useless scam perpetuated by the vainest, most self-possessed people imaginable and supported by the simpering, suckling need for status and conformity. But I digress.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Top Ten at the Box Office
1. "Beverly Hills Chihuahua." Just watching the preview for this film is like having a physically incarnated form of pure evil violently fuck your eye sockets.
2. "Eagle Eye." Two people find that their every move is being watched by a mysterious person with sinister intents. The film makes no sense though, in that one of the people is Shia LaBeouf, and no one is interested in what Shia LaBeouf is doing, ever, anywhere, for any reason.
3. "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist." Movies about the trials of teen relationships stopped being interesting to me the moment I was no longer a teenager. After that moment it just became a bunch of self-obsessed brats who think they know what real suffering feels like.
4. "Nights of Rodanthe." This title + Richard Gere tells you everything you need to know about this film. It will magically cease to exist the minute no one is paying attention to it any longer.
5. "Appaloosa." Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen star as lawmen in a Western. I think that the only reason this film exists is because it's such an obvious idea that the universe simply brought it forth from the ether to fill the necessary gap.
6. "Lakeview Terrace." I wish that Hollywood directors would just stop pretending they have something interesting to say about race relations in America. Because they really do not.
7. "Burn After Reading." Brad Pitt plays a blithering idiot pretty-boy.
8. "Fireproof." A married couple, who are also fire fighters, try to save their marriage with a blatant, simpering metaphor.
9. "An American Carol." This is part of the reason public discourse in America has sunken so low.
10. "Religulous." This is the other part.
2. "Eagle Eye." Two people find that their every move is being watched by a mysterious person with sinister intents. The film makes no sense though, in that one of the people is Shia LaBeouf, and no one is interested in what Shia LaBeouf is doing, ever, anywhere, for any reason.
3. "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist." Movies about the trials of teen relationships stopped being interesting to me the moment I was no longer a teenager. After that moment it just became a bunch of self-obsessed brats who think they know what real suffering feels like.
4. "Nights of Rodanthe." This title + Richard Gere tells you everything you need to know about this film. It will magically cease to exist the minute no one is paying attention to it any longer.
5. "Appaloosa." Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen star as lawmen in a Western. I think that the only reason this film exists is because it's such an obvious idea that the universe simply brought it forth from the ether to fill the necessary gap.
6. "Lakeview Terrace." I wish that Hollywood directors would just stop pretending they have something interesting to say about race relations in America. Because they really do not.
7. "Burn After Reading." Brad Pitt plays a blithering idiot pretty-boy.
8. "Fireproof." A married couple, who are also fire fighters, try to save their marriage with a blatant, simpering metaphor.
9. "An American Carol." This is part of the reason public discourse in America has sunken so low.
10. "Religulous." This is the other part.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Blithering Idiocy
Just Plain Folks
The vice-presidential debate became the most watched inconsequential event on television last night. The big surprise was that Sara Palin surpassed everyone's expectations during the debate. This really isn't too much of a shock if you think about it, since the bar was set so low for her, the simple fact that she did not shit her pants right there on stage was considered a minor personal victory. You know that when we consider the fact that a politician can construct a semi-coherent sentence one of their positive points, then we have taken a significant turn as a culture.
Opening Today
For some reason, Hollywood has collectively decided to release every single film currently in production into theaters today, so this is a bit of a doozy.
"Beverly Hills Chihuahua." This film's existence makes no sense in a rational universe.
"Nick and Norha's Infinite Playlist." Michael Cera slowly begins to corner the market on teenage awkwardness, right on his way to becoming his generation's John Cusack. He'll be making vaguely liberal political parables within a decade or so.
"Blindness." The advance word on the street is that this kind of sucks. Who would have thought an adaptation of an unfilmable novel would have such trouble getting off the ground with critics?
"Religulous." A snarky atheist goes around and mocks other people's beliefs. Whoop de fuckin' do. Has it occurred to anyone else in the world that Bill Maher is kind of a fuckin' idiot and he ought to be dumped on the same liberal trash-heap as Michael Moore?
"How to Lose Friends and Alienate People." My Saturday nights, brought to a theater near you.
"The Express." Motherfuckin' football movies. I can't name two football movies off the top of my head that I actually give more than a shit about (I stall out after the original "The Longest Yard"). I doubt this is going to make the list.
"Flash of Genius." Based on a true story about a man who finds that his copywrited invention is being used without his permission by an auto manufacturer and takes his case to court. The judge throws it out when it is revealed that the inventor is played by Greg Kinnear.
"An American Carol." A conservative spoof of Michael Moore directed by David Zucker about a filmmaker trying to cancel Independence Day. In other words, the man who directed "BASEketball" thinks he has something relevant to add to the grand American political discussion. This just sounds plain retarded. Honestly, is Michael Moore even worth spoofing? Is this really the best conservative filmmakers can do? "Ha ha, Michael Moore is fat and hates America!"? You all suck so hard.
One of these days we may have a filmmaker who knows how to express his politics in a way that's elequent and convincing. A modern Preston Sturges or an updated Milos Forman. And what will happen? That director will be ignored and never be able to get a film into production, because our political landscape insists on nothing more than cheer leading for one's own side and sneers at the other side.
This is the sound of me giving my own country the middle finger. Suck it, America.
The vice-presidential debate became the most watched inconsequential event on television last night. The big surprise was that Sara Palin surpassed everyone's expectations during the debate. This really isn't too much of a shock if you think about it, since the bar was set so low for her, the simple fact that she did not shit her pants right there on stage was considered a minor personal victory. You know that when we consider the fact that a politician can construct a semi-coherent sentence one of their positive points, then we have taken a significant turn as a culture.
Opening Today
For some reason, Hollywood has collectively decided to release every single film currently in production into theaters today, so this is a bit of a doozy.
"Beverly Hills Chihuahua." This film's existence makes no sense in a rational universe.
"Nick and Norha's Infinite Playlist." Michael Cera slowly begins to corner the market on teenage awkwardness, right on his way to becoming his generation's John Cusack. He'll be making vaguely liberal political parables within a decade or so.
"Blindness." The advance word on the street is that this kind of sucks. Who would have thought an adaptation of an unfilmable novel would have such trouble getting off the ground with critics?
"Religulous." A snarky atheist goes around and mocks other people's beliefs. Whoop de fuckin' do. Has it occurred to anyone else in the world that Bill Maher is kind of a fuckin' idiot and he ought to be dumped on the same liberal trash-heap as Michael Moore?
"How to Lose Friends and Alienate People." My Saturday nights, brought to a theater near you.
"The Express." Motherfuckin' football movies. I can't name two football movies off the top of my head that I actually give more than a shit about (I stall out after the original "The Longest Yard"). I doubt this is going to make the list.
"Flash of Genius." Based on a true story about a man who finds that his copywrited invention is being used without his permission by an auto manufacturer and takes his case to court. The judge throws it out when it is revealed that the inventor is played by Greg Kinnear.
"An American Carol." A conservative spoof of Michael Moore directed by David Zucker about a filmmaker trying to cancel Independence Day. In other words, the man who directed "BASEketball" thinks he has something relevant to add to the grand American political discussion. This just sounds plain retarded. Honestly, is Michael Moore even worth spoofing? Is this really the best conservative filmmakers can do? "Ha ha, Michael Moore is fat and hates America!"? You all suck so hard.
One of these days we may have a filmmaker who knows how to express his politics in a way that's elequent and convincing. A modern Preston Sturges or an updated Milos Forman. And what will happen? That director will be ignored and never be able to get a film into production, because our political landscape insists on nothing more than cheer leading for one's own side and sneers at the other side.
This is the sound of me giving my own country the middle finger. Suck it, America.
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