Thursday, February 5, 2009

Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "Taken." Liam Neeson plays a former spy battling slave-traders for the life of his daughter. I'm actually happy to see this at the top of the list, since I always get a kick from watching Liam Neeson beat the shit out of people. Doesn't happen in enough of his movies.

2. "Paul Blart: Mall Cop." What fresh hell is this? Director Steve Carr continues to blight the earth with his cinematic vision, and the fact that someone thought Kevin James would make a thrilling lead in anything resembling a comedy goes to show that our cultural bankruptcy runs deep.

3. "The Uninvited." Christ, I miss good horror movies. The PG-13 rating has officially become a sign of over-market-tested, bland-as-a-beige-wall mediocrity. Movies like this just make me clutch on to my DVD of the original "Dawn of the Dead" all the tighter.

4. "Hotel for Dogs." Fuck a duck, does this look awful. I really can't stress this enough: Dog movies=boring movies. Add cute kids to the mix and you have a recipe for total mental degredation.

5. "Gran Torino." Clint Eastwood is sooooooo oooolllld. He's ooooooooollllllllld. And raaaaaaaaaciiiiissssst. But he learns an important leaaaaaaasssoooooonnn.

6. "Slumdog Millionar." If this movie wasn't as well made as it is, I would hate it. The story is the same sort of "love conquers all," "being together is our destiny" shit that every other romantic film out there peddles, and which has no relationship to the real world or real emotions. But this is such a good looking and well-constructed film, I can't really dislike it. Shame.

7. "Underworld: Rise of the Lycans." Actress Rhona Mitra is cursed. Here is a sample of her filmography: "Doomsday" (kinda shit), "Shooter"(pansy-ass action shit), "The Number 23" (really shit), "The Life of David Gale" (she should castrate her agent with a rusty tuna-can lid).

8. "New in Town." Hollywood likes to pretend it knows something about small towns. It doesn't, and hence these movies always fail.

9. "My Bloody Valentine 3-D." This is still here? Did anyone tell it that it could stay? For shame.

10. "Inkheart." Kids, power of imagination, evil goings on, fantasy, blah blah blah.

1 comment:

LazyLightning said...

LMFAO at the gran torino description. Some guy from Crookston had a hand in writing that, or so i hear.

People who go to see New In Town will be fun to observe. A bunch of midwestern people, who mostly came from much farther northern, much smaller towns than New Ulm, strutting out of the theater exclaiming "we aren't like that, dontcha know!"