Saturday, September 22, 2007

TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh joy and rapture, it's fall again, the time of year when the world dies in small, painful increments. What a perfect time for the start of the new television season and its vast cornocopia of crap. Here's a look at some of the new shows hitting us this year.


"Kid Nation"

Now here is a promising scenario: 40 kids in the a desert community with plenty of supplies and constant supervision build a "society" with pre-selected leaders and regulated social classes while also engaging in meaningless activities that ostensibly prove their worth as human beings but in fact are empty rituals. Can't imagine where they got the idea for this.


"Back to You"

Kelsey Grammer and that woman from "Everybody Loves Raymond" star in a sitcom about Pittsburg TV newscasters. Did you lapse into a slight coma while reading that? This is the sort of show that will probably last five to ten seasons without a single original thought, surviving simply because the network forgot to cancel it.


"K-Ville"

A cop show with a twist: It takes place in New Orleans. We will mention this fact over and over, because it is important. We won't make a program that depicts the city with any kind of reality, and we won't make anything better than the most mediocre, clich├ęd cop show, but just so you know: Katrina Katrina Katrina.


"Chuck" & "The Big Bang Theory"

There is nothing more awkward than watching television shows that painfully try to imitate coolness. Watching them imitate intelligence will probably end up being considered a war crime.


"Cavemen"

It's the cavemen from those Gieco commercials, in their own television show. This idea is so awful that it has actually gone past being a meta-show about awful television and come back around to just being an awful show.


"Moonlight"

He's a cop. And a vampire. Holy crap-in-a-hat do I not give a shit about this. Adding vampires to any concept on television automatically marks you as being completely and absolutely creatively bankrupt.

Friday, September 7, 2007

The Naked and the Dead

Peach Fuzz
The internet is abuzz with the story that "High School Musical" star Vanessa Hudgens was fired by Disney over some nude photos that are making the usual semen-soaked gossip site rounds. What is our obsession with seeing wholesome people naked? The psychology is so obvious that it's practically some kind of joke. Not that anyone is complaining, as this is without a doubt the finest work Hudgens has done up to this point.

Too Bad
Owen Wilson recently tried to take his own life, though after "You, Me and Dupree" who can blame him? By the way, Owen? Vertical cuts man, down the vein. Horizontal across the wrist doesn't do the job.

Pissing on the Classics
Rob "Are My Dreads Straight?" Zombie's remake of "Halloween" is cleaning up at the box office, because audiences were interested in seeing an up-and-coming director's interpretation of a classic piece of cinema. HA HA HA HA HA! Just kidding! People are sheep. The film is in general about as popular among critics as a late term abortion in their salad, yet is raking it in anyway. I could go on a diatribe about how critics are out of touch with the movie-going public and don't know how to appreciate horror films, but we all know that's a load of horseshit. The general public will see almost anything that entertains them and wouldn't know a decent horror film if one stabbed them in the fucking eye. If anything film critics in general have never really understood that slasher movies are fun. They're as formulaic as romantic comedies, but in slasher movies the irritating little bastards on the screen get what's coming to them (being a bad actor automatically volunteers you for an axe in the face in my book).