Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Oscar Notes

I know I'm a little late on this, but here's some thoughts on the Oscar Ceremony:

1. Did you notice how when the ceremony started, members of the audience were standing up and applauding no one in particular? I know that award shows are supposed to be orgies of self-congratulation, but is there really any reason to be such cocksuckers about it? At least they got Errol Morris to do a cool little intro before the ceremony, though it took me a minute before I realized I wasn't watching a Mac ad.

2. So, Ellen DeGeneres, eh? Sure, whatever, at least she managed to go through most of the night without being terrible or making me cringe. Though you know it does not bode well for you as an award ceremony if Ellen DeGeneres comes off like a breath of fresh air.

3. Jack Nicholson looks like a penis. Just thought I would throw that out there.

4. So "Pan's Labyrinth" wins an assload of tech awards and is nominated for best screenplay but does not win the Best Foreign Language award? Fucking Germans.

5. I think I threw up a little bit when the words "interpretive dance" were spoken out loud.

6. So Jessica Hudson gets an award and Peter O'Toole gets the shaft again. Not that he really deserved it this year. I think at this point the Academy is just nominating him out of spite.

7. Celine Dion, WTF? What necromancer did they have to contact to get her to perform? And what exactly does she have to do with Ennio Morricone? I did like the way Clint Eastwood Alzhimered his way through his tribute. You could tell Ennio was impressed (for those not watching, through most of the ceremony his face looked like someone had just taken a dump in his breakfast).

8. Scorsese finally gets his Oscar, though it's for a film everyone seems to know is not his best work, which means it's more like an apology than an award. The best picture win is no big surprise, since it was basically a crapshoot (though "Little Miss Sunshine" didn't have a chance. You know the last time a comedy won best picture at the Oscars? 1977).

9. Acting awards went to people playing national leaders: a charismatic, homicidal cannibal and Idi Amehn, respectively.

10. Those fucking dancing penguins won an Oscar. If I had children, I would rather take them to a snuff film then have them see "Happy Feet."

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Time Keeps on Slipping

Quick Question
Okay, entire population of the world, show of hands: Who here has NOT fucked Anna Nicole Smith? Anyone?

Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Norbit." So it's finally happened: Eddie Murphy has been paid $20 million dollars to fuck himself on screen, and people are willingly paying to see it.

2. "Hannibal Rising." Does anyone actually give a shit about Hannibal Lector outside of "Silence of the Lambs"? And he really wasn't even the villain in that. So...why?

3. "Because I Said So." Great. A movie about someone's mom getting it on. Just the thing to lift my spirits in these dark months.

4. "The Messengers." Sounds pretty cool, looks kind of creepy. Wait, PG-13? Fuck it.

5. "Night at the Museum." Why do movies like this even exist? "Because it's so nice to have a movie we can take the kids to." Oh yeah, that lame fucking excuse. Listen, instead of taking your kids out to see this brain-rotting piece of garbage why don't you just take them out back and beat them with a shovel for an hour and a half. They'll be quite afterwards and it will do about the same amount of damage to their future development potential.

6. "Epic Movie." "You know all those shitty blockbusters that came out in the last year? Here are some scenes from them with different actors. Oh yeah, and it's supposed to be funny."

7. "Smokin' Aces." Bunch of people with bad hair and guns and the acting ability of lukewarm pork shoot at stuff and exchange swear words for an hour and a half of poorly thought out plotting. I AM SO THERE!

8. "Pan's Labyrinth." Fan boys around the world are wetting their pants around this.

9. "Dreamgirls," which was nominated for a few Oscars, but was surprisingly shut out of most of the major categories, apparently for the unfortunate flaw of not being all that good.

10. "The Queen." If the Academy Awards had a specific set of rules for the type of movie that is always going to be nominated for an Oscar, this would meet most of the criteria. If I had a specific set of rules for the kind of film that evokes absolutely no emotional response from me, it would meet most of those as well.

A Look At Upcoming Films This Year
"The Hills Have Eyes II," the "Are We There Yet?" sequel "Are We Done Yet?," "Shrek the Third," "Ocean's Thirteen," "Hostel: Part II," "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer," the "Bruce Almighty" sequel "Evan Almighty," "Live Free or Die Hard" ("Die Hard 4"), "The Bourne Ultimatum," "Rush Hour 3," "Resident Evil: Extinction," "Saw IV," "National Treasure: Book of Secrets" and "Alien vs. Predator: AVP2."

Also expected in the next year:

Horror Film Remakes: 3

Video Game Adaptations: 2

Stephen King Adaptations: 2

Adaptations of Old Cartoon Shows: 3

Movies with Cuba Gooding Jr. in Them: 3

Movies Directed By Ben Affleck: 1

Movies About Football: 2

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Death Surrounds Us

Dead Famous People
As I'm sure you have all heard, many times from many different sources, Anna Nicole Smith was found dead recently. Apparently we are supposed to care about this. Apparently this is more important for us to know about than the fact that our country is gearing up to invade Iran while the Vice President has a good chance of being indicted and convicted of blowing a CIA agent's cover. Apparently we are all supposed to pretend that Anna Nicole Smith was a person of some value to our society, rather than a brain-dead, gold-digging leech. I don't mean to be insensitive...Okay, wait, actually I do. I could not possibly give less of a shit about her. She was a living monument to everything that is sick and wrong in our society. The only reason I'm not glad she's dead is that I'm not really that cruel of a person. Also, if she were still alive I would not have to deal with the insufferable, meaningless and over-hyped tabloid bullshit about her death.

Nothing Else On
The 2007 Grammy awards are on the way. A dozen award presentations scattered over three hours of shitty rock bands, forced and awkward duets and tired performances by bland, aging pop stars. Couldn't we just drop the pretense of this being an award ceremony and just call it a big, mainstream record company circle jerk that for some reason is being televised?