Thursday, November 23, 2006

Death, Magic and THAT Word

Guess the Slur and Win a $100
Former "Seinfeld" star Michael Richards has come under fire recently for making a racial slur during a stand-up routine in Los Angeles. The racial slur isn't nearly as astounding as the revelation that Michael Richards is still alive and people are paying to see him perform.

Dead Famous People
Director Robert Altman died recently at the age of 81 on Monday. Which sucks for him I guess. Also for his friends and family and cinema lovers worldwide, though when you think of it they all got the better end of the deal as they get to stay alive a little longer. It's good to keep these things in perspective. I guess I just have a little trouble feeling really bad when someone I didn't personally know dies, even if they made movies I loved. From highest to lowest, my death reaction hierarchy is as follows: Family, friends, pets, celebrities, fictional characters, anonymous Indonesian natural disaster victims.

David Blaine is currently strapped to a gyroscope hanging over Times Square in New York City. WTF, dude? Can you go anywhere in Time Square these days without running into David Blaine doing some insane act? I think if he wanted to do something really astounding he should just give himself AIDS and then cure himself. That would impress me. None of this spinning around in mid-air shit. Or maybe that's the secret. Do you think? Have we tried strapping an AIDS victim to a gyroscope yet? Someone should look into that.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "Borat: Semi-Clever Subtitle I Don't Really Feel Like Typing Out," has topped the box office, proving that Americans can take a joke about themselves. That is until they find out there's money to be made and terms such as "mental anguish" start popping up in properly filed legal documents.

2. "The Santa Claus 3: Holy Living Fuck It Has Martin Short In It And People Are Still Going To See It I Cannot Believe This Film Has Earned Over $40 Million I Mean For The Love Of God It's A Tim Allen Christmas Film With Fucking Martin Short In It."

3. "Flushed Away." The only thing more trite than the plot of this film is the heinous punnery of the critics reviewing it. Wow. Clever you guys. You found a way to make a joke from the title "Flushed Away." That's just so funny it makes me want to vomit. Really. It makes me want to empty my stomach contents into a toilet until I dry heave. It's good to know we still have such a wonderful collection of film critics in this country that can come up with such clever insights such as "'Flushed Away' struggles with comedic flow'." Wow. Do I feel nauseas or what?

4. "Stranger Than Fiction." Will Ferrell aims for becoming a real actor, just like Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler before him. Fuck.

5. "Saw III." Does this still exist? Goddamnit

6. "Babel." One of the two best films of this year that I do not care anything at all about.

7. "The Departed." This is the other. Is it okay to say that I just don't care about Martin Scorsese all that much? I'm not saying he's bad, I just haven't been that interested in more than, say, three of his past twelve films.

8. "The Prestige." Those crazy magicians, still duking it out.

9. "The Return," which will be forever known as the supernatural thriller that starred Sara Michelle Geller that wasn't "The Grudge." Which is actually saying something in its favor.

10. "A Good Year." This would be a dull romantic comedy even if it weren't such an obvious PR effort from Russell Crow to downplay his occasional violent outbursts. And why the hell is Ridley Scott directing this? Here's a tip to all film producers: Instead of hiring Ridley Scott, just under-saturate every shot and tie the camera to an epileptic's head during a grand mal. That should match the effect perfectly.

Thursday, November 9, 2006

Old People, Boring People and Made Up People

The Old Indiana Jones Chronicles
Director Frank Darabont has stated that he thinks the fourth installment in the "Indiana Jones" series will not make it to development after George Lucas rejected Darabont's script. Too bad. I was really looking forward to the latest installment in a series has lain fallow for 17 years after two tepid sequels. Shucks, I don't get to see Harrison Ford embarrass himself by pretending to be an action star half his age again. It's a shame. Really. Darn.

In Famous People News:
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have fi.........................blghahhgghhsh.

Looking at December's Movie Calender
December 1 brings us "The Nativity Story." Cast as Mary, the mother of Jesus, is a 17-year-old unmarried pregnant woman. Market around that aspect of it, bitches.

December 8 has the new film from Mel Gibson, "Apocalypto," which is about the collapse of the Mayan society and is apparently a parable about corruption of U.S. culture as it collapses into fundamentalist religious insanity. I least that's what I got from the plot outline, but I've been known to read these things wrong.

December 15 brings the new Will Smith film, "The Pursuit of Happiness," the poster for which is so inspirational it makes me want to run over orphans with my car. Also opening is "Eragon" which I've heard is some shit about dragons. Let me ask you a question, right out: Has there ever been a movie about dragons that has been anything more than mediocre? I'll let you think about that one.

December 22 brings us "Rocky Balboa" and our culture's official return to the 1980s.

December 25 brings "Dreamgirls," which tells a fictionalized account of Diana Ross and the Supremes and stars Beyonce Knowles and Jamie Foxx and...Eddie Murphy? Didn't he die?

Thursday, November 2, 2006

The Drone List

Superman is Rereleased
Time Warner will be releasing a director's cut of "Superman II," with original director Richard Donner piecing together his vision for the film with test footage and deleted scenes, subtracting most of the footage shot by substitute director Richard Lester. Few points of interest here: Richard Donner could not direct his way out of a paper sack, having helmed not only "Goonies" and "Scrooged" but also directed and produced the entire "Lethal Weapon" series, including parts 3 and 4, as well as two other Mel Gibson movies, a Sylvester Stallone film and a Michael Crichton adaptation. On top of that, most of the footage he plans to add does not match the existing footage. Also the whole thing reeks of a shameless marketing ploy to promote the DVD release of "Superman Returns," and "Superman II" just kind of sucks anyway.

In Other Superhero News:
Ben Affleck has stated he will never play another superhero after his experience with the film "Daredevil." Now if he will only swear off every other kind of film role we'll be on to something good and I won't have to feel like ripping my own eyes out of my head every time I see that smug fucking face of his and have to be reminded that he earns millions of dollars doing a substandard job in a profession a fucking child can succeed in. Honestly, show of hands, who here would rather watch someone set an infant on fire than see a new Ben Affleck film?

On the Music Scene:
Kevin Federline released his first album, "Playing with Fire." Apparently it sucks and nobody likes it and somehow this is news.

At the Box Office:
"Saw III" topped the box office this week for no real reason. Do people just not have the ability to engage in rational thought when they go to the theater? "Well, the first one was okay and the second one kind of sucked, and the whole concept of the film is kind of morally idiotic and the plot is not plausible when subjected to even the most lenient standards and none of the actors or filmmakers are that good. HOT SHIT, THIS I GOTTA SEE!"