1. "Hancock." Requisite Will Smith blockbuster for the summer. I'm pretty sure that this man has sold his soul for success. Nothing else explains it. He isn't that interesting of an actor, most of his movies are piddling and yet year after year he does nothing but hits. Is it worth roasting in Hell, Mr. Smith?
2. "Wall*E." Thank you for small mercies. Pixar has yet to fuck up ("Cars" was middling, but still entertaining) and this is looking to be a classic. Too bad I can't go see it without an audience full of annoying children. I sometimes think that no one under the age of 20 should be allowed into a movie theater without passing some kind of personality test first.
3. "Wanted." This film is such a juvenile male fantasy that you would almost think it were scripted by a gaggle of 10-year-old boys high on Mountain Dew and whippets. Nerdy man becomes super-assassin because he has all the skills his father had (making it "his destiny"). He also gets to date Angelia Jolie, who is a vampire (I don't mean she plays a vampire here, I just think that in reality she drinks human blood and cannot be killed by mortal weapons). The stunts are all computer-generated, so there is no sense of danger or reality, and in the end you will realize you just paid the price of a meal to watch a movie about someone who achieved a fantasy life without the slightest bit of effort, because he was special and you aren't.
4. "Get Smart." You can start by going to see something good instead of this movie.
5. "Kung Fu Panda." You know you want to see this movie. Why lie to yourself. OBEY THE PANDA!
6. "The Incredible Hulk." Still haven't seen it. Probably will eventually. You can't argue with a movie where a large green man rips a car in half.
7. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Again with This Shit?"
8. "Kit Kittredge: Pedophile Fodder."
9. "Sex and the City." This movie has herpes.
10. "You Don't Mess with the Zohan." This movie is like Jesus pissing all over your grandmother's corpse. Think about it.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Dispatches from the World of Celebrity Cocksuckery
Presidential Politics
"Actor" Stephen Baldwin has stated that he will "leave the country" if Barack Obama is elected president. Is that a promise? Did Alec put you up to this?
My Dreams Come True
Someone has finally gotten around to torturing Christopher Hitchens. The reporter, pundit and "New Atheist" nitwit had himself waterboarded for an article in Vanity Fair and came to the conclusion that, by golly, it is actually torture and not just some frat prank we've been subjecting brown people to so they'll tell us all the things we want to hear.
I respect Mr. Hitchens and his opinions. I just wish they would have taken the procedure to its logical conclusion, because while he may be a good writer, he's also a total drunken douchbag.
Workers of the World Unite Again
There have been rumblings in Hollywood of another strike, this one from the Screen Actors Guild. While experts are saying it isn't likely to go full out, what with a lack of support from the union base and the $2.5 million a day in total lost wages for the members it would cause, I'm still holding out hope. The actors going on strike would mean a complete shut-down, not just a cough and sputtering like when the writers took a leave. No new shows, no new movies. Complete collapse. $23 million-a-day loss to the California economy. It would be beautiful. I think we need a little wanton destruction like this to shake things up. I'll happily let the half-dozen or so decent actors and actresses in Hollywood go if the endless piles of hacks go with them. Did you know that Tom Cruise is a SAG member? Keanu Reeves, Adam Sandler, Ashton Kutcher? Can you imagine a couple of months of these guys not working? Don't tell me it doesn't give you that nice, warm feeling inside.
"Actor" Stephen Baldwin has stated that he will "leave the country" if Barack Obama is elected president. Is that a promise? Did Alec put you up to this?
My Dreams Come True
Someone has finally gotten around to torturing Christopher Hitchens. The reporter, pundit and "New Atheist" nitwit had himself waterboarded for an article in Vanity Fair and came to the conclusion that, by golly, it is actually torture and not just some frat prank we've been subjecting brown people to so they'll tell us all the things we want to hear.
I respect Mr. Hitchens and his opinions. I just wish they would have taken the procedure to its logical conclusion, because while he may be a good writer, he's also a total drunken douchbag.
Workers of the World Unite Again
There have been rumblings in Hollywood of another strike, this one from the Screen Actors Guild. While experts are saying it isn't likely to go full out, what with a lack of support from the union base and the $2.5 million a day in total lost wages for the members it would cause, I'm still holding out hope. The actors going on strike would mean a complete shut-down, not just a cough and sputtering like when the writers took a leave. No new shows, no new movies. Complete collapse. $23 million-a-day loss to the California economy. It would be beautiful. I think we need a little wanton destruction like this to shake things up. I'll happily let the half-dozen or so decent actors and actresses in Hollywood go if the endless piles of hacks go with them. Did you know that Tom Cruise is a SAG member? Keanu Reeves, Adam Sandler, Ashton Kutcher? Can you imagine a couple of months of these guys not working? Don't tell me it doesn't give you that nice, warm feeling inside.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Get Smart." The cast is good and the source material is funny, but the director is like a giant black hole of funny out of which no humor escapes. Quick rundown of Peter Segal's previous films: "My Fellow Americans," "Nutty Professor II: The Klumps," "Anger Management," "50 First Dates" and "The Longest Yard." We're not exactly dealing with a master satirist here. Meanwhile, writers are the same folks who brought us "Failure to Launch" (you know, that movie that sucked) so I think the pedigree of this film is a tad mixed. Kind of like an Irish Wolfhound that has managed to breed with a particularly unfunny brick.
2. "The Incredible Hulk." If you wanted John Woo to direct your movie, why not just hire John Woo? No need to grab his retarded French cousin.
3. "Kung Fu Panda." I object to this movie on principle, but in practice it looks kind of funny. We have a conundrum.
4. "The Love Guru." If you're allergic to laughter, then this is the film for you.
5. "The Happening." How is it that a man who has made only one good movie (and at least three intensely shitty movies) can continue to get funding and support for his films? Do you know what could have been done with the budget that was used to make this piece of shit? Aside from the usual humanitarian aid efforts, it could have funded a scholarship for upcoming film makers. $50,000 a piece for 1,140 different directors to fund and market their films. How many good 90 minute movies do you think could have been made for what it cost to make this poorly-executed slumberfest?
6. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of One Decent Action Sequence and a Senseless, Annoying Plot."
7. "You Don't Mess With the Zohan." If you do, he might occupy your homeland with brutal apartheid.
8. "Sex and the City." I don't think it's normal for my balls to hurt slightly every time I hear about a movie. I should really have that checked out.
9. "Iron Man." Has anyone else ever wondered what would happen to Tony Stark if he sneezed inside that suit?
10. "The Strangers." I still haven't gotten to this yet. Looks bitchen'.
2. "The Incredible Hulk." If you wanted John Woo to direct your movie, why not just hire John Woo? No need to grab his retarded French cousin.
3. "Kung Fu Panda." I object to this movie on principle, but in practice it looks kind of funny. We have a conundrum.
4. "The Love Guru." If you're allergic to laughter, then this is the film for you.
5. "The Happening." How is it that a man who has made only one good movie (and at least three intensely shitty movies) can continue to get funding and support for his films? Do you know what could have been done with the budget that was used to make this piece of shit? Aside from the usual humanitarian aid efforts, it could have funded a scholarship for upcoming film makers. $50,000 a piece for 1,140 different directors to fund and market their films. How many good 90 minute movies do you think could have been made for what it cost to make this poorly-executed slumberfest?
6. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of One Decent Action Sequence and a Senseless, Annoying Plot."
7. "You Don't Mess With the Zohan." If you do, he might occupy your homeland with brutal apartheid.
8. "Sex and the City." I don't think it's normal for my balls to hurt slightly every time I hear about a movie. I should really have that checked out.
9. "Iron Man." Has anyone else ever wondered what would happen to Tony Stark if he sneezed inside that suit?
10. "The Strangers." I still haven't gotten to this yet. Looks bitchen'.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Horror Re-Hash
I'm all for taking an established series back for a do-over. It's worked before and can sometimes yield interesting results ("Batman Begins"). It's at least better than just doing the same thing with the same people for so long it becomes embarrassing to watch ("Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Fuck This Shit").
The one genre this doesn't really work is horror (in practice, at least). Similar to the way Hammer remade all of the Universal monster films for a decade or so, jazzing them up for the modern market, studios have been nabbing up the rights to established films and banking on the name recognition to give their box office an edge. The only the difference being that the Hammer films didn't suck so much.
While there have been directors making new and original horror films recently, all of the recent horror movie remakes have been shit. "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," "The Amityville Horror," "Halloween," "The Hills Have Eyes," "Prom Night" and so on for a depressingly long amount of time. It's creative bankruptcy at its mind-numbing pinnacle. Even when the original film was no great shakes, the remake somehow manages to be worse. It's as if they're competing in a kind of shitty movie track-and-field competition and the remakes just have to go that extra mile for the gold.
Horror, as a film genre, is highly subject to trends (J-horror, "Scream"-like self-referential meta-slashers, "Saw"-inspired torture porn) and all trends eventually ebb. Unfortunately, it seems we've got to suffer for a few more years of this garbage. The remakes are still earning money so the studios think they have a winning formula, rather than just a depleted market with few other options and an undiscriminating fanbase.
Here's a few of the slated remakes of classic (or at least memorable) horror films. I found most of them through the scientific method of typing titles into the Internet Movie Database and seeing what came up. Good news: No "The Exorcist" or "Re-Animator" remakes on the books (though there is talks of another sequel to the latter, which is a tad depressing). The bad news: every movie on this list.
"Hellraiser." Yep. Countless shitty sequels notwithstanding, the series is going back to its roots. Fine, whatever. Slated for January 9, 2009 but there is still no director listed so we may be spared.
"My Bloody Valentine 3-D." The original was goofy slasher fun, but no one does that well anymore, so prepare to be depressed. The 3-D in the title doesn't help matters and the director's biggest film to date was "Dracula 2000." Remember that? Of course you don't. You also don't remember the two direct-to-video sequels he also helmed. Or the sequel to "White Noise" that not even Michael Keaton deemed worthy of being involved with. Yikes. Set for January 23, 2009.
"Friday the 13th." Now we get to the big time. Took some legal finagling before the studios that owned the rights to the original films got this worked out, but now it seems to be happening. I don't know, might be cool...wait a moment, who's directing it? Who the fuck is Marcus Nispel? Billy Joel music videos? Amy Grant? Cher? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Set for February 13, 2009 (whoa, on Friday the 13th. Probably the only thought that went into this shitpile).
"Last House on the Left." This one was too obvious. The director is Greek and has only done one film before, some shit about wayward teens that no one on this side of the world ever saw. The original was shitty and got by for being revolutionary. It's an historical piece, and the cards aren't stacking up for the remake to be worth the film it's being shot on. Slated March 6, 2009.
"The Evil Dead." I ain't making this shit up. No details other than a 2009 release date and that Sam Raimi is involved, though not as a director. Might even be an adaptation the musical they made of the original films, but I doubt we'll get off that easy.
"The Crazies." Set for 2010, this is a remake of one of George Romero's non-zombie films from the 1970s. The original mostly dealt with how government and military incompetence causes a massive viral outbreak and then how their continued inability to function without bureaucratic ineptitude and departmental infighting exacerbates the problem. Think they'll keep that anti-authoritarian element of the plot in? Yeah, just like they kept the dark humor and social commentary in the "Dawn of the Dead" remake. The director is also working on a "Creature from the Black Lagoon" remake for 2009, in Hollywood's continued collective attempt to piss all over my childhood. Also word of an "The Invisible Man" remake for 2010. You fuckers.
Couple of others I found but couldn't dig up any details for: "Susperia" and "Rosemary's Baby." Both slated for 2010, though I think the former might be more wishful thinking than anything else. The original was a crazy piece of work and any mainstream remake would streamline it so much you wouldn't even need to bother giving it the same name (not saying the won't do it). "Rosemary" would be watchable if they got a classy old-school director and a cast of actual actors. I'm cynical enough to think that this won't be the case and we'll be lucky if Keanu Reeves isn't in it.
The one genre this doesn't really work is horror (in practice, at least). Similar to the way Hammer remade all of the Universal monster films for a decade or so, jazzing them up for the modern market, studios have been nabbing up the rights to established films and banking on the name recognition to give their box office an edge. The only the difference being that the Hammer films didn't suck so much.
While there have been directors making new and original horror films recently, all of the recent horror movie remakes have been shit. "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," "The Amityville Horror," "Halloween," "The Hills Have Eyes," "Prom Night" and so on for a depressingly long amount of time. It's creative bankruptcy at its mind-numbing pinnacle. Even when the original film was no great shakes, the remake somehow manages to be worse. It's as if they're competing in a kind of shitty movie track-and-field competition and the remakes just have to go that extra mile for the gold.
Horror, as a film genre, is highly subject to trends (J-horror, "Scream"-like self-referential meta-slashers, "Saw"-inspired torture porn) and all trends eventually ebb. Unfortunately, it seems we've got to suffer for a few more years of this garbage. The remakes are still earning money so the studios think they have a winning formula, rather than just a depleted market with few other options and an undiscriminating fanbase.
Here's a few of the slated remakes of classic (or at least memorable) horror films. I found most of them through the scientific method of typing titles into the Internet Movie Database and seeing what came up. Good news: No "The Exorcist" or "Re-Animator" remakes on the books (though there is talks of another sequel to the latter, which is a tad depressing). The bad news: every movie on this list.
"Hellraiser." Yep. Countless shitty sequels notwithstanding, the series is going back to its roots. Fine, whatever. Slated for January 9, 2009 but there is still no director listed so we may be spared.
"My Bloody Valentine 3-D." The original was goofy slasher fun, but no one does that well anymore, so prepare to be depressed. The 3-D in the title doesn't help matters and the director's biggest film to date was "Dracula 2000." Remember that? Of course you don't. You also don't remember the two direct-to-video sequels he also helmed. Or the sequel to "White Noise" that not even Michael Keaton deemed worthy of being involved with. Yikes. Set for January 23, 2009.
"Friday the 13th." Now we get to the big time. Took some legal finagling before the studios that owned the rights to the original films got this worked out, but now it seems to be happening. I don't know, might be cool...wait a moment, who's directing it? Who the fuck is Marcus Nispel? Billy Joel music videos? Amy Grant? Cher? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Set for February 13, 2009 (whoa, on Friday the 13th. Probably the only thought that went into this shitpile).
"Last House on the Left." This one was too obvious. The director is Greek and has only done one film before, some shit about wayward teens that no one on this side of the world ever saw. The original was shitty and got by for being revolutionary. It's an historical piece, and the cards aren't stacking up for the remake to be worth the film it's being shot on. Slated March 6, 2009.
"The Evil Dead." I ain't making this shit up. No details other than a 2009 release date and that Sam Raimi is involved, though not as a director. Might even be an adaptation the musical they made of the original films, but I doubt we'll get off that easy.
"The Crazies." Set for 2010, this is a remake of one of George Romero's non-zombie films from the 1970s. The original mostly dealt with how government and military incompetence causes a massive viral outbreak and then how their continued inability to function without bureaucratic ineptitude and departmental infighting exacerbates the problem. Think they'll keep that anti-authoritarian element of the plot in? Yeah, just like they kept the dark humor and social commentary in the "Dawn of the Dead" remake. The director is also working on a "Creature from the Black Lagoon" remake for 2009, in Hollywood's continued collective attempt to piss all over my childhood. Also word of an "The Invisible Man" remake for 2010. You fuckers.
Couple of others I found but couldn't dig up any details for: "Susperia" and "Rosemary's Baby." Both slated for 2010, though I think the former might be more wishful thinking than anything else. The original was a crazy piece of work and any mainstream remake would streamline it so much you wouldn't even need to bother giving it the same name (not saying the won't do it). "Rosemary" would be watchable if they got a classy old-school director and a cast of actual actors. I'm cynical enough to think that this won't be the case and we'll be lucky if Keanu Reeves isn't in it.
Post-Summer
I see as many of the big blockbusters as I can during the summer. Not that I enjoy most of them, but it beats being outside during the hottest, most pollen-filled months of the year. Same as anyone, really. But what's the fun in writing about the movies everyone is seeing? Why not take a look at some of the things that we can watch in the other seasons still scheduled to occur this year as we take our slow, inexorable march to the grave? Here are some of the post-August highlights:
September 26:
"Choke": Yep, it's a Chuck Palahniuk adaptation, the first since "Fight Club." Stars Sam Rockwell, so it has the built in indy-cred, but it's doubtful this will reach the same level of cultural influence as "Fight Club" did. Good. I'm fucking sick of that movie and anyone who likes it.
Fuck you.
"Blindness": Another adaptation, this one from the only essential Jose Saramago novel. Everything was lined up for this to be a big ol' bucket of awesome, but it got yawned out of its Cannes premier. Hell with it.
October 17:
"Quarantine": Group of people locked in an apartment building by a CDC quarantine and their experience is recorded by a news crew trapped with them. Rushed out remake of a Spanish horror hit looking to cash in on "Cloverfield"'s success. I've never liked viral internet marketing, going all the way back to "Blair Witch," and this seems like it's on a fast train to Blandsville. But if you can make a good horror film, I fault you nothing. Just try to make the movie more interesting than the advertising campaign.
October 24:
"Changeling": Clint Eastwood's play at "Chinatown"-like LA conspiracy. Getting some early buzz, but it stars Angelia Jolie and it is impossible for anyone to relate to Angelia Jolie on a human level, which is a bit of a detriment considering that's basically the job of an actor. Might be good, but I generally don't go for such obvious Oscar-bait, which is what all of Eastwood's recent films have boiled down to.
"Passengers": Airplane crash leads to conspiracy in the Pacific Northwest. Stars the ever do-able Anne Hathaway and apparently plays up the mist-and-fir-trees creepiness of the location, but it's helmed by a television director (sure sign of flatness) and is staying at PG-13, which is like coding something as being mediocre, over-test-marketed fluff.
November 7:
"Quantum of Solace": "Casino Royale" was the sort of movie that made you glad you watched movies. Along with "Batman Begins" it showed that Hollywood can still produce pure entertainment that didn't make you feel guilty for enjoying it so much. Makes up for a lot of shitty 3D animated films about wise-cracking animals ("Madagascar 2" opens up the same day as this, by the way). With the "Batman" sequel, "The Dark Knight," looking to be so entertaining it could start its own religion, we might just luck out with two ball-flatteningly awesome sequels in one year. Unfortunately, with injuries and deaths to those involved in both sequels, it seems the two movies might be cursed. By the third films in each series, expect Christian Bale to end up choking to death on something humiliating and Daniel Craig to have his head sliced off by a helicopter propeller, sending it flying over the House of Parliament and landing with a "plonk" in the Thames.
November 21:
"Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince." I only mention this because it means we're that much closer to this series being finished. I'm so sick of this stupid uber-jock prick who has never had to work a second for any of the many gifts he's been given.
Harry Potter is an asshole.
November 26:
"The Road": Movie studios have a really ham-fisted way of aiming for success. An adaptation of an author's work does well and suddenly anything available by him gets optioned. The book "The Road," has a scene where a baby gets roasted on a spit and eaten as food. Not exactly Thanksgiving material, but I'm not complaining so long as they make a good movie out of it. Music video director at the helm, which could go either way (the two ways being "shitty" or "not that shitty").
December 26:
"The Spirit": If the preview for this film does not get you pumped, then you do not have testicles. Frank Miller flies solo as director and is bringing the "Sin City" style to Will Eisner's classic noir comic strip hero. Miller's prose (he wrote the screenplay as well) is full of machismo and violence. This ends up being neo-fascist in any context other than the art-noir style he essentially created for himself (the uber-stupid "300" comes to mind). So this seems to be the ideal platform for him. If this ends up sucking, then I will have lost all hope in a just and merciful god.
September 26:
"Choke": Yep, it's a Chuck Palahniuk adaptation, the first since "Fight Club." Stars Sam Rockwell, so it has the built in indy-cred, but it's doubtful this will reach the same level of cultural influence as "Fight Club" did. Good. I'm fucking sick of that movie and anyone who likes it.
Fuck you.
"Blindness": Another adaptation, this one from the only essential Jose Saramago novel. Everything was lined up for this to be a big ol' bucket of awesome, but it got yawned out of its Cannes premier. Hell with it.
October 17:
"Quarantine": Group of people locked in an apartment building by a CDC quarantine and their experience is recorded by a news crew trapped with them. Rushed out remake of a Spanish horror hit looking to cash in on "Cloverfield"'s success. I've never liked viral internet marketing, going all the way back to "Blair Witch," and this seems like it's on a fast train to Blandsville. But if you can make a good horror film, I fault you nothing. Just try to make the movie more interesting than the advertising campaign.
October 24:
"Changeling": Clint Eastwood's play at "Chinatown"-like LA conspiracy. Getting some early buzz, but it stars Angelia Jolie and it is impossible for anyone to relate to Angelia Jolie on a human level, which is a bit of a detriment considering that's basically the job of an actor. Might be good, but I generally don't go for such obvious Oscar-bait, which is what all of Eastwood's recent films have boiled down to.
"Passengers": Airplane crash leads to conspiracy in the Pacific Northwest. Stars the ever do-able Anne Hathaway and apparently plays up the mist-and-fir-trees creepiness of the location, but it's helmed by a television director (sure sign of flatness) and is staying at PG-13, which is like coding something as being mediocre, over-test-marketed fluff.
November 7:
"Quantum of Solace": "Casino Royale" was the sort of movie that made you glad you watched movies. Along with "Batman Begins" it showed that Hollywood can still produce pure entertainment that didn't make you feel guilty for enjoying it so much. Makes up for a lot of shitty 3D animated films about wise-cracking animals ("Madagascar 2" opens up the same day as this, by the way). With the "Batman" sequel, "The Dark Knight," looking to be so entertaining it could start its own religion, we might just luck out with two ball-flatteningly awesome sequels in one year. Unfortunately, with injuries and deaths to those involved in both sequels, it seems the two movies might be cursed. By the third films in each series, expect Christian Bale to end up choking to death on something humiliating and Daniel Craig to have his head sliced off by a helicopter propeller, sending it flying over the House of Parliament and landing with a "plonk" in the Thames.
November 21:
"Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince." I only mention this because it means we're that much closer to this series being finished. I'm so sick of this stupid uber-jock prick who has never had to work a second for any of the many gifts he's been given.
Harry Potter is an asshole.
November 26:
"The Road": Movie studios have a really ham-fisted way of aiming for success. An adaptation of an author's work does well and suddenly anything available by him gets optioned. The book "The Road," has a scene where a baby gets roasted on a spit and eaten as food. Not exactly Thanksgiving material, but I'm not complaining so long as they make a good movie out of it. Music video director at the helm, which could go either way (the two ways being "shitty" or "not that shitty").
December 26:
"The Spirit": If the preview for this film does not get you pumped, then you do not have testicles. Frank Miller flies solo as director and is bringing the "Sin City" style to Will Eisner's classic noir comic strip hero. Miller's prose (he wrote the screenplay as well) is full of machismo and violence. This ends up being neo-fascist in any context other than the art-noir style he essentially created for himself (the uber-stupid "300" comes to mind). So this seems to be the ideal platform for him. If this ends up sucking, then I will have lost all hope in a just and merciful god.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Opening Soon and Top Ten
Opening Friday:
"The Incredible Hulk." Let me put this sentiment in all-caps, just to make myself as clear and irritating as possible: THE ANG LEE FILM WAS NOT A BAD MOVIE. It was an unsuccessful movie, it certainly wasn't a great movie, it could have used a little trimming (cut out Lee's sub-Freudian bullshit and this would damn well be a classic), but overall it was a solid piece of work. People complained that there wasn't enough action (too much subtext going on, which might not have been the best idea in when telling the story of a character best known for being green and smashing things, at least from a marketing standpoint). It wasn't the kind of movie you build a franchise out of and franchises are all Marvel is interested in, so now we're being treated to this odious filth. It's going to suck, we all know its going to suck, and because it's still going to do 10 times the business of the first film we'll be treated to at least two, maybe three sequels in the same style. The first one was a good film made at the wrong time with bad marketing. This film will be a bad film made at the right time with, well, bad marketing (the previews all make it look like shit).
"The Happening." M. Night Shyamalan should not be allowed to write his own scripts. That's really where he seems to fail as a director. "The Sixth Sense" was a solid movie, but it was one of those one-time brilliant ideas that creative people sometimes get (doesn't take a genius to come up with a clever idea and work backwards to build the plot). His need to top it has led to a string of poorly-plotted, increasingly lunatic movies that indulge his cinematic messiah-complex. "Unbreakable" was a non-entity, "Signs" was brilliant style wrapped around a trite plot, "The Village" was... "The Village" and "Lady in the Water" explored possibilities in the world of suck of which others had not yet dared dream. So expectations for "The Happening" are somewhat, shall we say, "tempered in the fact that most of his films are shit." He has the talent to make great movies, but he also has the ego to think he can tell interesting stories. Even Hitchcock knew his limits and had others write his stories, dude, and he also made his appearances short and subtle in his movies. Let it go.
Top Ten at the Box Office:
1. "Kung-Fu Panda." Considering that the film is about a wise-cracking panda that knows kung-fu, do you really think that saturation marketing is really necessary? Just a quick note to the press, "this movie is about a wise-cracking panda that knows kung-fu" would have been sufficient to get the point across. If the marketing for your movie makes "Bee Movie" look dignified, then you know you've overdone it.
2. "You Don't Mess with the Zohan." This movie might have been good if it had stared Sacha Baron Cohen or Stephen Chow, or anyone with real comedic talent. Even a better director would have added a little more polish to this turd. Instead we get another in a long string of goofy, pointless Adam Sandler comedies that involve a silly voice and a plot pulled from a hat. Complacent, meaningless time-fillers with all the creativity of nailing two pieces of wood together.
3. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Whatever." If this had been made ten years ago and with a script that attempted to make some sense, it might have been a solid film. Instead it looks just like the kind of movie that has gone through the bowels of pre-production hell and come out through the studio-system anus into the toilet bowels that are our multiplex theaters. It has a too many scripts fighting for dominance and too many action sequences that don't have any real meaning or influence. Fun enough, but overall an unmemorable addition to a series that is mostly unmemorable.
4. "Sex and the City." This is sci-fi geekery for women. Its absurd, poorly plotted and doesn't make any sense unless you have some obscure, esoteric knowledge. It's also sexist and focused solely on the lives of elite white people. Just like any number of countless science fiction franchises. Guys, if you ever hear a woman complain about "Star Trek," just point to this.
5. "The Strangers." The preview for this film is the best horror movie released this year. I'll probably need to do some personal confirmation on whether or not this is actually worthwhile, as film critics as a group seem to really suck at reviewing horror movies.
6. "Iron Man." Again with this.
7. "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian." If you're going to adapt the works of a Christian apologist, at least pick something by someone interesting. May I recommend G.K. Chesterton?
8. "What Happens in Vegas..." Ashton Kutcher is going around touting the merits of the current fad celebrity religion of the week, Kabbalism, thus cementing his dipshit status. Madonna and Britany Spears have also gone along with this one at some point or other, so I guess its a religion that caters to the shallow and vapid. Much like this film.
9. "Baby Mama." Idiotic, heartless, makes-me-weep-for-the-future-of-my-generation romantic comedy trifecta in play.
10. "Made of Honor." Trifecta complete.
"The Incredible Hulk." Let me put this sentiment in all-caps, just to make myself as clear and irritating as possible: THE ANG LEE FILM WAS NOT A BAD MOVIE. It was an unsuccessful movie, it certainly wasn't a great movie, it could have used a little trimming (cut out Lee's sub-Freudian bullshit and this would damn well be a classic), but overall it was a solid piece of work. People complained that there wasn't enough action (too much subtext going on, which might not have been the best idea in when telling the story of a character best known for being green and smashing things, at least from a marketing standpoint). It wasn't the kind of movie you build a franchise out of and franchises are all Marvel is interested in, so now we're being treated to this odious filth. It's going to suck, we all know its going to suck, and because it's still going to do 10 times the business of the first film we'll be treated to at least two, maybe three sequels in the same style. The first one was a good film made at the wrong time with bad marketing. This film will be a bad film made at the right time with, well, bad marketing (the previews all make it look like shit).
"The Happening." M. Night Shyamalan should not be allowed to write his own scripts. That's really where he seems to fail as a director. "The Sixth Sense" was a solid movie, but it was one of those one-time brilliant ideas that creative people sometimes get (doesn't take a genius to come up with a clever idea and work backwards to build the plot). His need to top it has led to a string of poorly-plotted, increasingly lunatic movies that indulge his cinematic messiah-complex. "Unbreakable" was a non-entity, "Signs" was brilliant style wrapped around a trite plot, "The Village" was... "The Village" and "Lady in the Water" explored possibilities in the world of suck of which others had not yet dared dream. So expectations for "The Happening" are somewhat, shall we say, "tempered in the fact that most of his films are shit." He has the talent to make great movies, but he also has the ego to think he can tell interesting stories. Even Hitchcock knew his limits and had others write his stories, dude, and he also made his appearances short and subtle in his movies. Let it go.
Top Ten at the Box Office:
1. "Kung-Fu Panda." Considering that the film is about a wise-cracking panda that knows kung-fu, do you really think that saturation marketing is really necessary? Just a quick note to the press, "this movie is about a wise-cracking panda that knows kung-fu" would have been sufficient to get the point across. If the marketing for your movie makes "Bee Movie" look dignified, then you know you've overdone it.
2. "You Don't Mess with the Zohan." This movie might have been good if it had stared Sacha Baron Cohen or Stephen Chow, or anyone with real comedic talent. Even a better director would have added a little more polish to this turd. Instead we get another in a long string of goofy, pointless Adam Sandler comedies that involve a silly voice and a plot pulled from a hat. Complacent, meaningless time-fillers with all the creativity of nailing two pieces of wood together.
3. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Whatever." If this had been made ten years ago and with a script that attempted to make some sense, it might have been a solid film. Instead it looks just like the kind of movie that has gone through the bowels of pre-production hell and come out through the studio-system anus into the toilet bowels that are our multiplex theaters. It has a too many scripts fighting for dominance and too many action sequences that don't have any real meaning or influence. Fun enough, but overall an unmemorable addition to a series that is mostly unmemorable.
4. "Sex and the City." This is sci-fi geekery for women. Its absurd, poorly plotted and doesn't make any sense unless you have some obscure, esoteric knowledge. It's also sexist and focused solely on the lives of elite white people. Just like any number of countless science fiction franchises. Guys, if you ever hear a woman complain about "Star Trek," just point to this.
5. "The Strangers." The preview for this film is the best horror movie released this year. I'll probably need to do some personal confirmation on whether or not this is actually worthwhile, as film critics as a group seem to really suck at reviewing horror movies.
6. "Iron Man." Again with this.
7. "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian." If you're going to adapt the works of a Christian apologist, at least pick something by someone interesting. May I recommend G.K. Chesterton?
8. "What Happens in Vegas..." Ashton Kutcher is going around touting the merits of the current fad celebrity religion of the week, Kabbalism, thus cementing his dipshit status. Madonna and Britany Spears have also gone along with this one at some point or other, so I guess its a religion that caters to the shallow and vapid. Much like this film.
9. "Baby Mama." Idiotic, heartless, makes-me-weep-for-the-future-of-my-generation romantic comedy trifecta in play.
10. "Made of Honor." Trifecta complete.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." Stuff blows up, fisticuffs are exchanged, none of it makes any sense and it didn't really need to be made. This is the second film in as many summers that has tried to play Shia LaBeouf as an action star, which is about as convincing as Keanu Reeves playing a professor of astrophysics. The joke there being that Keanu Reeves talks like someone recovering from head injury and Shia LaBeouf has about as much testosterone as a Girl Scout bake sale.
2. "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian." I suppose the moral lesson of these films is that when life is difficult and things are looking their worst, it's best to escape into a magical world of fantasy where you are revered and respected for no reason other than that an arbitrary prophecy said you were special. I can see why it works so well as a religious parable.
3. "Iron Man." "Do not worry, America. Your corporate masters love you and are capable of learning moral lessons from their errors. They will protect and serve you. Go back to sleep, America. You have nothing to worry about."
4. "What Happens in Vegas..." This is the kind of movie that makes God cry.
5. "Speed Racer." Why pay for a ticket when I can just drive my car around really fast while looking right into a strobe light?
6. "Baby Mama." Whenever I see a plot summary that describes one of the main characters as "career-driven," I know I'm in for some goofy hijinks involving the differences between a stuffy office drone and a free-spirited rebel. You know, the kinds of conflicts that would occur if everyone was boiled down to the most basic of demographically confined stereotypes. Where someone who has a good job they care about learns to enjoy life from someone who, in reality, probably doesn't have health insurance.
7. "Made of Honor." It's not a movie, it's a bad dream I had after a night spent mixing Nyquil with my Heinekins.
8. "Forgetting Sara Marshall." When was the last time anyone saw a comedy that had a plot? Or have I just been remembering things that never happened again?
9. "Harold & Kumar Escape From Stupid Fucking White People While Smoking Weed. Weed Weed Weed." If these two aren't careful, they'll end up being the next Cheech & Chong. Which gives them maybe a decade of viable career status and about a half dozen shitty movies to make.
10. "The Visitor." A nuanced drama about love, life and friendship. What the fuck is this doing here?
2. "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian." I suppose the moral lesson of these films is that when life is difficult and things are looking their worst, it's best to escape into a magical world of fantasy where you are revered and respected for no reason other than that an arbitrary prophecy said you were special. I can see why it works so well as a religious parable.
3. "Iron Man." "Do not worry, America. Your corporate masters love you and are capable of learning moral lessons from their errors. They will protect and serve you. Go back to sleep, America. You have nothing to worry about."
4. "What Happens in Vegas..." This is the kind of movie that makes God cry.
5. "Speed Racer." Why pay for a ticket when I can just drive my car around really fast while looking right into a strobe light?
6. "Baby Mama." Whenever I see a plot summary that describes one of the main characters as "career-driven," I know I'm in for some goofy hijinks involving the differences between a stuffy office drone and a free-spirited rebel. You know, the kinds of conflicts that would occur if everyone was boiled down to the most basic of demographically confined stereotypes. Where someone who has a good job they care about learns to enjoy life from someone who, in reality, probably doesn't have health insurance.
7. "Made of Honor." It's not a movie, it's a bad dream I had after a night spent mixing Nyquil with my Heinekins.
8. "Forgetting Sara Marshall." When was the last time anyone saw a comedy that had a plot? Or have I just been remembering things that never happened again?
9. "Harold & Kumar Escape From Stupid Fucking White People While Smoking Weed. Weed Weed Weed." If these two aren't careful, they'll end up being the next Cheech & Chong. Which gives them maybe a decade of viable career status and about a half dozen shitty movies to make.
10. "The Visitor." A nuanced drama about love, life and friendship. What the fuck is this doing here?
Thursday, May 22, 2008
So What Are You Going To Do This Weekend?
Here are some of the films opening tomorrow:
1. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." Technically it already opened, but fuck you Hollywood, I ain't making another fucking list. The early reviews have ranged from "blah" to "decent," which is about what everyone expected, if they were to search their souls and be honest with themselves. There was no way this would match the original unless they decided to do some sort of series revamp with a new director and cast, which won't happen for another decade or so and might actually be something to look forward to. Until then we get a useless add-on to a series with one good entry and two decent-in-a-I-would-watch-them-on-cable-but-wouldn't-pay-to-see-them sequels. I'll probably see it, as the pickings for stupid entertainment seem surprisingly slim this summer.
2. "War, Inc." Just what the world needed: Two hours of ham-fisted political satire from liberals with million dollar bankrolls and no interesting opinions. Unless you are supporting anarchist revolt, your weak-kneed left-wing fun-poking ain't of any interest to me. Basically what I'm trying to say is, fuck you John Cusack. Remember back when a political satire could end with the human race exterminating itself? Now we get Dan Aykroyd doing a lame Dick Cheney impression.
3. "Postal." I'll give it to Uwe Boll. Dude found himself a niche and rooted himself in it like a bad scabies infection. I can't even really get up the gumption to hate him anymore. He's just a fact of life, like diarrhea, or syphilis. You can't hate the virus for making you sick, it's just what it does. Doesn't mean you have to like being sick though.
1. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." Technically it already opened, but fuck you Hollywood, I ain't making another fucking list. The early reviews have ranged from "blah" to "decent," which is about what everyone expected, if they were to search their souls and be honest with themselves. There was no way this would match the original unless they decided to do some sort of series revamp with a new director and cast, which won't happen for another decade or so and might actually be something to look forward to. Until then we get a useless add-on to a series with one good entry and two decent-in-a-I-would-watch-them-on-cable-but-wouldn't-pay-to-see-them sequels. I'll probably see it, as the pickings for stupid entertainment seem surprisingly slim this summer.
2. "War, Inc." Just what the world needed: Two hours of ham-fisted political satire from liberals with million dollar bankrolls and no interesting opinions. Unless you are supporting anarchist revolt, your weak-kneed left-wing fun-poking ain't of any interest to me. Basically what I'm trying to say is, fuck you John Cusack. Remember back when a political satire could end with the human race exterminating itself? Now we get Dan Aykroyd doing a lame Dick Cheney impression.
3. "Postal." I'll give it to Uwe Boll. Dude found himself a niche and rooted himself in it like a bad scabies infection. I can't even really get up the gumption to hate him anymore. He's just a fact of life, like diarrhea, or syphilis. You can't hate the virus for making you sick, it's just what it does. Doesn't mean you have to like being sick though.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Lost Loves, Gun Control and the Sweet Sound of Failure
Zero to Shit in One Weekend
"Speed Racer," which cost $300 million to produce and market, pulled in barely $20 million in the domestic box office this weekend. Almost makes you feel good to be an American for once, watching as we come together to say "no" to an unmitigated piece of crappy film making. Though just a quick note for Warner Bros.: The next time you feel the need to waste $300 million dollars with no prospect of earning a return on your investment, why not just give to poor people so they can buy food?
Celebrities Always Marry Each Other
Kate Hudson has denied rumors that she is engaged to Owen Wilson, because as we all know not even Jesus is capable of loving Owen Wilson.
How the Mighty Have Fallen
Dennis Farina was arrested recently for carrying a concealed handgun in the Los Angeles International Airport. I like to think that anyone who has recently spent a significant amount of time around Ashton Kutcher will start carrying a weapon capable of scattering another human being's head all over a wall, but I doubt the prosecutors will see it that way.
Top Ten at the Box Office:
1. "Iron Man." Why do women seem to love this movie? Nothing against women or the movie, but I'm just curious as to why every woman I have spoken to about it thinks it's great, despite being a loud, dumb action movie.
2. "What Happens in Vegas..." This movie is God giving you the middle finger.
3. "Speed Racer." A heaping serving of shitiness in a giant bowl of fucking stupid. As mentioned above, despite its place on this list it's actually bombing on a spectacular level.
4. "Made of Honor." A dime-store Hugh Grant in a rom-com plot that charts new territory in the land of retarded. I can see why it's doing so well.
5. "Baby Mama." A neo-"Odd Couple" story about a career-driven woman and some goofy nitwit she hires to be surrogate mother to her baby. Hijinks will no doubt ensue. Stars Tina Fey, the SNL alum voted "most humpable" by a majority of my male friends.
6. "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." I hear that there might be jokes about penises in this one.
7. "Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay." It's like they took my college dorm-mates and made a goofy stoner comedy about them. Illegal drug use and high crimes against humanity have never been so funny.
8. "The Forbidden Kingdom." Do you remember when martial arts movies had martial arts in them? Do you remember when you could hear that a movie had Jackie Chan or Jet Li in it and think that it might be entertaining in some way?
9. "Nim's Island." Top scientists have concluded that I do not give a shit about this movie.
10. "Prom Night." So where are the horror movies for grown-ups? Any of those coming out any time soon?
"Speed Racer," which cost $300 million to produce and market, pulled in barely $20 million in the domestic box office this weekend. Almost makes you feel good to be an American for once, watching as we come together to say "no" to an unmitigated piece of crappy film making. Though just a quick note for Warner Bros.: The next time you feel the need to waste $300 million dollars with no prospect of earning a return on your investment, why not just give to poor people so they can buy food?
Celebrities Always Marry Each Other
Kate Hudson has denied rumors that she is engaged to Owen Wilson, because as we all know not even Jesus is capable of loving Owen Wilson.
How the Mighty Have Fallen
Dennis Farina was arrested recently for carrying a concealed handgun in the Los Angeles International Airport. I like to think that anyone who has recently spent a significant amount of time around Ashton Kutcher will start carrying a weapon capable of scattering another human being's head all over a wall, but I doubt the prosecutors will see it that way.
Top Ten at the Box Office:
1. "Iron Man." Why do women seem to love this movie? Nothing against women or the movie, but I'm just curious as to why every woman I have spoken to about it thinks it's great, despite being a loud, dumb action movie.
2. "What Happens in Vegas..." This movie is God giving you the middle finger.
3. "Speed Racer." A heaping serving of shitiness in a giant bowl of fucking stupid. As mentioned above, despite its place on this list it's actually bombing on a spectacular level.
4. "Made of Honor." A dime-store Hugh Grant in a rom-com plot that charts new territory in the land of retarded. I can see why it's doing so well.
5. "Baby Mama." A neo-"Odd Couple" story about a career-driven woman and some goofy nitwit she hires to be surrogate mother to her baby. Hijinks will no doubt ensue. Stars Tina Fey, the SNL alum voted "most humpable" by a majority of my male friends.
6. "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." I hear that there might be jokes about penises in this one.
7. "Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay." It's like they took my college dorm-mates and made a goofy stoner comedy about them. Illegal drug use and high crimes against humanity have never been so funny.
8. "The Forbidden Kingdom." Do you remember when martial arts movies had martial arts in them? Do you remember when you could hear that a movie had Jackie Chan or Jet Li in it and think that it might be entertaining in some way?
9. "Nim's Island." Top scientists have concluded that I do not give a shit about this movie.
10. "Prom Night." So where are the horror movies for grown-ups? Any of those coming out any time soon?
Monday, May 5, 2008
Sizzlin' Summer Sinema
What with a film about a heroic international arms dealer protecting the world topping off the box office, it seems the summer movie season is now officially upon us. Let's take a look at a few of the upcoming offerings:
May 30: "Sex in the City: The Fucking Movie" opens up, bringing the tale of four women who have more sex in a week than Jenna Jameson has had in a lifetime to the big screen. Change the gender and you have "The Scott Baio Story," so I don't really get the appeal.
June 6: "Kung Fu Panda" brings the trend of CGI talking animals to dizzying new heights of absurdity, with a marketing campaign that does to media what the Japanese did to Nanking. Also opening is a new Adam Sandler comedy about a Mossad agent who follows his dreams of becoming a hairdresser, but eventually returns to his true calling, e.g. murdering Arab people.
June 13th: The latest from M. Night Shyamalan, "The Happening," opens up. The twist in this one is that Shyamalan has directed one good movie and a has shown himself to be a creatively bankrupt hack in every other project. Also opening is "The Incredible Hulk," the "sequel" to the underrated box-office bomb, "Hulk." Apparently to make sure the film will be a success, the studio has set everything up to make sure it can never possibly be good in any way whatsoever.
June 20: "Get Smart" brings a mostly forgotten television comedy to the big screen for no real reason other than it hasn't been done yet. Also opening is the "The Love Guru," a new Mike Meyers comedy that from its description sounds terrible and from the previews looks to be a crime against humanity.
June 27: "Wall*E," the latest from Pixar, promises to revolutionize modern CGI filmmaking by bringing a new and exciting concept to the screen: No celebrity voice talent. Also opening is "Wanted," some stupid bullshit about a kid who follows in his dad's footsteps and becomes an assassin, because apparently learned talents are hereditary.
July 4: "Hancock," which promises to ignite the summer by bringing the idea of a "super hero" to the big screen.
July 11: "Hellboy II: The Golden Army," which promises to ignite the summer by bringing the idea of a "super hero" to the big screen. Also opening is "Meet Dave," which is about how Eddie Murphy is controlled by a crew of small aliens living in his head. A terse, thrilling documentary.
July 18: Batman returns in "The Dark Knight," which objective observes are referring to as "the greatest thing in the history of anything." Also opening is "Mamma Mia!," which stars Meryl Streep in a non-cancer victim role as a woman who lives on an island where people suddenly burst into ABBA songs, possibly due to an outbreak of mad cow disease.
July 25: "Shitty Will Ferrell Comedy, Part 8" opens, along with a belated, pointless and idiotic new "X-Files" movie. Just go see the new Batman movie again.
August 1: "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor" goes on to prove that you can't kill a moneymaking franchise no matter how mind-numbingly shitty it gets. Also opening is "Swing Vote," which stars Kevin Costner as a man whose vote will decide a presidential election. The story takes place in a fantasy world where Kevin Costner actually matters. Also also opening is "The Midnight Meat Train." I don't know what this film is about, but after reading the title I think I can just picture the whole movie in my head, so no need to bother seeing it.
May 30: "Sex in the City: The Fucking Movie" opens up, bringing the tale of four women who have more sex in a week than Jenna Jameson has had in a lifetime to the big screen. Change the gender and you have "The Scott Baio Story," so I don't really get the appeal.
June 6: "Kung Fu Panda" brings the trend of CGI talking animals to dizzying new heights of absurdity, with a marketing campaign that does to media what the Japanese did to Nanking. Also opening is a new Adam Sandler comedy about a Mossad agent who follows his dreams of becoming a hairdresser, but eventually returns to his true calling, e.g. murdering Arab people.
June 13th: The latest from M. Night Shyamalan, "The Happening," opens up. The twist in this one is that Shyamalan has directed one good movie and a has shown himself to be a creatively bankrupt hack in every other project. Also opening is "The Incredible Hulk," the "sequel" to the underrated box-office bomb, "Hulk." Apparently to make sure the film will be a success, the studio has set everything up to make sure it can never possibly be good in any way whatsoever.
June 20: "Get Smart" brings a mostly forgotten television comedy to the big screen for no real reason other than it hasn't been done yet. Also opening is the "The Love Guru," a new Mike Meyers comedy that from its description sounds terrible and from the previews looks to be a crime against humanity.
June 27: "Wall*E," the latest from Pixar, promises to revolutionize modern CGI filmmaking by bringing a new and exciting concept to the screen: No celebrity voice talent. Also opening is "Wanted," some stupid bullshit about a kid who follows in his dad's footsteps and becomes an assassin, because apparently learned talents are hereditary.
July 4: "Hancock," which promises to ignite the summer by bringing the idea of a "super hero" to the big screen.
July 11: "Hellboy II: The Golden Army," which promises to ignite the summer by bringing the idea of a "super hero" to the big screen. Also opening is "Meet Dave," which is about how Eddie Murphy is controlled by a crew of small aliens living in his head. A terse, thrilling documentary.
July 18: Batman returns in "The Dark Knight," which objective observes are referring to as "the greatest thing in the history of anything." Also opening is "Mamma Mia!," which stars Meryl Streep in a non-cancer victim role as a woman who lives on an island where people suddenly burst into ABBA songs, possibly due to an outbreak of mad cow disease.
July 25: "Shitty Will Ferrell Comedy, Part 8" opens, along with a belated, pointless and idiotic new "X-Files" movie. Just go see the new Batman movie again.
August 1: "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor" goes on to prove that you can't kill a moneymaking franchise no matter how mind-numbingly shitty it gets. Also opening is "Swing Vote," which stars Kevin Costner as a man whose vote will decide a presidential election. The story takes place in a fantasy world where Kevin Costner actually matters. Also also opening is "The Midnight Meat Train." I don't know what this film is about, but after reading the title I think I can just picture the whole movie in my head, so no need to bother seeing it.
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