Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "Get Smart." The cast is good and the source material is funny, but the director is like a giant black hole of funny out of which no humor escapes. Quick rundown of Peter Segal's previous films: "My Fellow Americans," "Nutty Professor II: The Klumps," "Anger Management," "50 First Dates" and "The Longest Yard." We're not exactly dealing with a master satirist here. Meanwhile, writers are the same folks who brought us "Failure to Launch" (you know, that movie that sucked) so I think the pedigree of this film is a tad mixed. Kind of like an Irish Wolfhound that has managed to breed with a particularly unfunny brick.

2. "The Incredible Hulk." If you wanted John Woo to direct your movie, why not just hire John Woo? No need to grab his retarded French cousin.

3. "Kung Fu Panda." I object to this movie on principle, but in practice it looks kind of funny. We have a conundrum.

4. "The Love Guru." If you're allergic to laughter, then this is the film for you.

5. "The Happening." How is it that a man who has made only one good movie (and at least three intensely shitty movies) can continue to get funding and support for his films? Do you know what could have been done with the budget that was used to make this piece of shit? Aside from the usual humanitarian aid efforts, it could have funded a scholarship for upcoming film makers. $50,000 a piece for 1,140 different directors to fund and market their films. How many good 90 minute movies do you think could have been made for what it cost to make this poorly-executed slumberfest?

6. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of One Decent Action Sequence and a Senseless, Annoying Plot."

7. "You Don't Mess With the Zohan." If you do, he might occupy your homeland with brutal apartheid.

8. "Sex and the City." I don't think it's normal for my balls to hurt slightly every time I hear about a movie. I should really have that checked out.

9. "Iron Man." Has anyone else ever wondered what would happen to Tony Stark if he sneezed inside that suit?

10. "The Strangers." I still haven't gotten to this yet. Looks bitchen'.