Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "Hancock." Requisite Will Smith blockbuster for the summer. I'm pretty sure that this man has sold his soul for success. Nothing else explains it. He isn't that interesting of an actor, most of his movies are piddling and yet year after year he does nothing but hits. Is it worth roasting in Hell, Mr. Smith?

2. "Wall*E." Thank you for small mercies. Pixar has yet to fuck up ("Cars" was middling, but still entertaining) and this is looking to be a classic. Too bad I can't go see it without an audience full of annoying children. I sometimes think that no one under the age of 20 should be allowed into a movie theater without passing some kind of personality test first.

3. "Wanted." This film is such a juvenile male fantasy that you would almost think it were scripted by a gaggle of 10-year-old boys high on Mountain Dew and whippets. Nerdy man becomes super-assassin because he has all the skills his father had (making it "his destiny"). He also gets to date Angelia Jolie, who is a vampire (I don't mean she plays a vampire here, I just think that in reality she drinks human blood and cannot be killed by mortal weapons). The stunts are all computer-generated, so there is no sense of danger or reality, and in the end you will realize you just paid the price of a meal to watch a movie about someone who achieved a fantasy life without the slightest bit of effort, because he was special and you aren't.

4. "Get Smart." You can start by going to see something good instead of this movie.

5. "Kung Fu Panda." You know you want to see this movie. Why lie to yourself. OBEY THE PANDA!

6. "The Incredible Hulk." Still haven't seen it. Probably will eventually. You can't argue with a movie where a large green man rips a car in half.

7. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Again with This Shit?"

8. "Kit Kittredge: Pedophile Fodder."

9. "Sex and the City." This movie has herpes.

10. "You Don't Mess with the Zohan." This movie is like Jesus pissing all over your grandmother's corpse. Think about it.