So What Are You Going To Do This Weekend?

Here are some of the films opening tomorrow:

1. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." Technically it already opened, but fuck you Hollywood, I ain't making another fucking list. The early reviews have ranged from "blah" to "decent," which is about what everyone expected, if they were to search their souls and be honest with themselves. There was no way this would match the original unless they decided to do some sort of series revamp with a new director and cast, which won't happen for another decade or so and might actually be something to look forward to. Until then we get a useless add-on to a series with one good entry and two decent-in-a-I-would-watch-them-on-cable-but-wouldn't-pay-to-see-them sequels. I'll probably see it, as the pickings for stupid entertainment seem surprisingly slim this summer.

2. "War, Inc." Just what the world needed: Two hours of ham-fisted political satire from liberals with million dollar bankrolls and no interesting opinions. Unless you are supporting anarchist revolt, your weak-kneed left-wing fun-poking ain't of any interest to me. Basically what I'm trying to say is, fuck you John Cusack. Remember back when a political satire could end with the human race exterminating itself? Now we get Dan Aykroyd doing a lame Dick Cheney impression.

3. "Postal." I'll give it to Uwe Boll. Dude found himself a niche and rooted himself in it like a bad scabies infection. I can't even really get up the gumption to hate him anymore. He's just a fact of life, like diarrhea, or syphilis. You can't hate the virus for making you sick, it's just what it does. Doesn't mean you have to like being sick though.