Zero to Shit in One Weekend
"Speed Racer," which cost $300 million to produce and market, pulled in barely $20 million in the domestic box office this weekend. Almost makes you feel good to be an American for once, watching as we come together to say "no" to an unmitigated piece of crappy film making. Though just a quick note for Warner Bros.: The next time you feel the need to waste $300 million dollars with no prospect of earning a return on your investment, why not just give to poor people so they can buy food?
Celebrities Always Marry Each Other
Kate Hudson has denied rumors that she is engaged to Owen Wilson, because as we all know not even Jesus is capable of loving Owen Wilson.
How the Mighty Have Fallen
Dennis Farina was arrested recently for carrying a concealed handgun in the Los Angeles International Airport. I like to think that anyone who has recently spent a significant amount of time around Ashton Kutcher will start carrying a weapon capable of scattering another human being's head all over a wall, but I doubt the prosecutors will see it that way.
Top Ten at the Box Office:
1. "Iron Man." Why do women seem to love this movie? Nothing against women or the movie, but I'm just curious as to why every woman I have spoken to about it thinks it's great, despite being a loud, dumb action movie.
2. "What Happens in Vegas..." This movie is God giving you the middle finger.
3. "Speed Racer." A heaping serving of shitiness in a giant bowl of fucking stupid. As mentioned above, despite its place on this list it's actually bombing on a spectacular level.
4. "Made of Honor." A dime-store Hugh Grant in a rom-com plot that charts new territory in the land of retarded. I can see why it's doing so well.
5. "Baby Mama." A neo-"Odd Couple" story about a career-driven woman and some goofy nitwit she hires to be surrogate mother to her baby. Hijinks will no doubt ensue. Stars Tina Fey, the SNL alum voted "most humpable" by a majority of my male friends.
6. "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." I hear that there might be jokes about penises in this one.
7. "Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay." It's like they took my college dorm-mates and made a goofy stoner comedy about them. Illegal drug use and high crimes against humanity have never been so funny.
8. "The Forbidden Kingdom." Do you remember when martial arts movies had martial arts in them? Do you remember when you could hear that a movie had Jackie Chan or Jet Li in it and think that it might be entertaining in some way?
9. "Nim's Island." Top scientists have concluded that I do not give a shit about this movie.
10. "Prom Night." So where are the horror movies for grown-ups? Any of those coming out any time soon?
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Monday, May 5, 2008
Sizzlin' Summer Sinema
What with a film about a heroic international arms dealer protecting the world topping off the box office, it seems the summer movie season is now officially upon us. Let's take a look at a few of the upcoming offerings:
May 30: "Sex in the City: The Fucking Movie" opens up, bringing the tale of four women who have more sex in a week than Jenna Jameson has had in a lifetime to the big screen. Change the gender and you have "The Scott Baio Story," so I don't really get the appeal.
June 6: "Kung Fu Panda" brings the trend of CGI talking animals to dizzying new heights of absurdity, with a marketing campaign that does to media what the Japanese did to Nanking. Also opening is a new Adam Sandler comedy about a Mossad agent who follows his dreams of becoming a hairdresser, but eventually returns to his true calling, e.g. murdering Arab people.
June 13th: The latest from M. Night Shyamalan, "The Happening," opens up. The twist in this one is that Shyamalan has directed one good movie and a has shown himself to be a creatively bankrupt hack in every other project. Also opening is "The Incredible Hulk," the "sequel" to the underrated box-office bomb, "Hulk." Apparently to make sure the film will be a success, the studio has set everything up to make sure it can never possibly be good in any way whatsoever.
June 20: "Get Smart" brings a mostly forgotten television comedy to the big screen for no real reason other than it hasn't been done yet. Also opening is the "The Love Guru," a new Mike Meyers comedy that from its description sounds terrible and from the previews looks to be a crime against humanity.
June 27: "Wall*E," the latest from Pixar, promises to revolutionize modern CGI filmmaking by bringing a new and exciting concept to the screen: No celebrity voice talent. Also opening is "Wanted," some stupid bullshit about a kid who follows in his dad's footsteps and becomes an assassin, because apparently learned talents are hereditary.
July 4: "Hancock," which promises to ignite the summer by bringing the idea of a "super hero" to the big screen.
July 11: "Hellboy II: The Golden Army," which promises to ignite the summer by bringing the idea of a "super hero" to the big screen. Also opening is "Meet Dave," which is about how Eddie Murphy is controlled by a crew of small aliens living in his head. A terse, thrilling documentary.
July 18: Batman returns in "The Dark Knight," which objective observes are referring to as "the greatest thing in the history of anything." Also opening is "Mamma Mia!," which stars Meryl Streep in a non-cancer victim role as a woman who lives on an island where people suddenly burst into ABBA songs, possibly due to an outbreak of mad cow disease.
July 25: "Shitty Will Ferrell Comedy, Part 8" opens, along with a belated, pointless and idiotic new "X-Files" movie. Just go see the new Batman movie again.
August 1: "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor" goes on to prove that you can't kill a moneymaking franchise no matter how mind-numbingly shitty it gets. Also opening is "Swing Vote," which stars Kevin Costner as a man whose vote will decide a presidential election. The story takes place in a fantasy world where Kevin Costner actually matters. Also also opening is "The Midnight Meat Train." I don't know what this film is about, but after reading the title I think I can just picture the whole movie in my head, so no need to bother seeing it.
May 30: "Sex in the City: The Fucking Movie" opens up, bringing the tale of four women who have more sex in a week than Jenna Jameson has had in a lifetime to the big screen. Change the gender and you have "The Scott Baio Story," so I don't really get the appeal.
June 6: "Kung Fu Panda" brings the trend of CGI talking animals to dizzying new heights of absurdity, with a marketing campaign that does to media what the Japanese did to Nanking. Also opening is a new Adam Sandler comedy about a Mossad agent who follows his dreams of becoming a hairdresser, but eventually returns to his true calling, e.g. murdering Arab people.
June 13th: The latest from M. Night Shyamalan, "The Happening," opens up. The twist in this one is that Shyamalan has directed one good movie and a has shown himself to be a creatively bankrupt hack in every other project. Also opening is "The Incredible Hulk," the "sequel" to the underrated box-office bomb, "Hulk." Apparently to make sure the film will be a success, the studio has set everything up to make sure it can never possibly be good in any way whatsoever.
June 20: "Get Smart" brings a mostly forgotten television comedy to the big screen for no real reason other than it hasn't been done yet. Also opening is the "The Love Guru," a new Mike Meyers comedy that from its description sounds terrible and from the previews looks to be a crime against humanity.
June 27: "Wall*E," the latest from Pixar, promises to revolutionize modern CGI filmmaking by bringing a new and exciting concept to the screen: No celebrity voice talent. Also opening is "Wanted," some stupid bullshit about a kid who follows in his dad's footsteps and becomes an assassin, because apparently learned talents are hereditary.
July 4: "Hancock," which promises to ignite the summer by bringing the idea of a "super hero" to the big screen.
July 11: "Hellboy II: The Golden Army," which promises to ignite the summer by bringing the idea of a "super hero" to the big screen. Also opening is "Meet Dave," which is about how Eddie Murphy is controlled by a crew of small aliens living in his head. A terse, thrilling documentary.
July 18: Batman returns in "The Dark Knight," which objective observes are referring to as "the greatest thing in the history of anything." Also opening is "Mamma Mia!," which stars Meryl Streep in a non-cancer victim role as a woman who lives on an island where people suddenly burst into ABBA songs, possibly due to an outbreak of mad cow disease.
July 25: "Shitty Will Ferrell Comedy, Part 8" opens, along with a belated, pointless and idiotic new "X-Files" movie. Just go see the new Batman movie again.
August 1: "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor" goes on to prove that you can't kill a moneymaking franchise no matter how mind-numbingly shitty it gets. Also opening is "Swing Vote," which stars Kevin Costner as a man whose vote will decide a presidential election. The story takes place in a fantasy world where Kevin Costner actually matters. Also also opening is "The Midnight Meat Train." I don't know what this film is about, but after reading the title I think I can just picture the whole movie in my head, so no need to bother seeing it.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "The Forbidden Kingdom." "Hey, I know what would make this martial arts-fantasy film better! Let's shove an awkward white teenager in there! Who wants to see a whole movie full of Asians anyway?"
2. "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." I haven't seen it. I probably won't, despite the stream of accolades. The plot is the height of rom-com inanity and I think Judd Apatow has passed the point of being decent and fallen off the deep end of overrated. That he's only producing rather than writing or directing means the film is banking on his name rather than his talent.
3. "Prom Night." Did we all read about the same film? Because the one I read about and decided to avoid as if it were a HIV-infected pit bull looked like a total piece-of-shit movie no one with an active frontal lobe could ever possibly enjoy.
4. "88 Minutes." Al Pacino continues to cash out the bales of artistic goodwill he has earned by starring in something that feels like fatal accident at the cliche foundry.
5. "Nim's Island." Enjoy that sunny fantasy world, kiddos. Dark days are coming fast. You will look back at this film with fondness while you write self-absorbed poetry and cut yourselves just so you can watch the wound heal and feel as if something has been accomplished.
6. "21." Holy bloody hell, is this still here? Is this really the best thing everyone could think to watch?
7. "Street Kings." Years of pre-production purgatory, three directors attached and a major scripting overhaul led to this cinematic abortion in which Keanu Reeves speaks dialog that's ludicrous even by his non-existent standards. Hugh Laurie has a role, so I'll cut it a little slack. Not enough to see it, however.
8. "Horton Hears a Who The Fuck Actually Likes This Movie?"
9. "Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed." If you haven't heard of this, you aren't alone and are probably better off. This is that anti-science doc that has caused such a ruckus on the internet because of its claims that the theory of evolution led to the Holocaust. I suppose this is true, in much the same way as the laws of aerodynamics led to the September 11 terrorist attacks. The film is an unmitigated crock of shit (in part for its assumption that anyone wants to listen to Ben Stein talk for more than half a second at a time before punching him right in the fucking mouth), and audiences have responded with a colossal "meh." Despite the film's place on this list and the fact that it is now one of the highest grossing political documentaries of all time, it still only earned just over $3 million this weekend, about $500,000 short of its production budget. That isn't counting the many millions spent on marketing the film and the many more millions that will be spent on its legal defense (they kinda forgot to get the rights to a John Lennon song they used in the movie, and nobody is more lawsuit happy in the music industry than the lawyers connected to former Beatles. A song by the Killers and a number of the video clips shown in the film were also used without permission). Since few films do better in their second week than they did in their first, this is looking to be a turd in the water.
10. "Leatherheads." Earned less than the above movie despite only being in its third weekend and starring George Clooney.
2. "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." I haven't seen it. I probably won't, despite the stream of accolades. The plot is the height of rom-com inanity and I think Judd Apatow has passed the point of being decent and fallen off the deep end of overrated. That he's only producing rather than writing or directing means the film is banking on his name rather than his talent.
3. "Prom Night." Did we all read about the same film? Because the one I read about and decided to avoid as if it were a HIV-infected pit bull looked like a total piece-of-shit movie no one with an active frontal lobe could ever possibly enjoy.
4. "88 Minutes." Al Pacino continues to cash out the bales of artistic goodwill he has earned by starring in something that feels like fatal accident at the cliche foundry.
5. "Nim's Island." Enjoy that sunny fantasy world, kiddos. Dark days are coming fast. You will look back at this film with fondness while you write self-absorbed poetry and cut yourselves just so you can watch the wound heal and feel as if something has been accomplished.
6. "21." Holy bloody hell, is this still here? Is this really the best thing everyone could think to watch?
7. "Street Kings." Years of pre-production purgatory, three directors attached and a major scripting overhaul led to this cinematic abortion in which Keanu Reeves speaks dialog that's ludicrous even by his non-existent standards. Hugh Laurie has a role, so I'll cut it a little slack. Not enough to see it, however.
8. "Horton Hears a Who The Fuck Actually Likes This Movie?"
9. "Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed." If you haven't heard of this, you aren't alone and are probably better off. This is that anti-science doc that has caused such a ruckus on the internet because of its claims that the theory of evolution led to the Holocaust. I suppose this is true, in much the same way as the laws of aerodynamics led to the September 11 terrorist attacks. The film is an unmitigated crock of shit (in part for its assumption that anyone wants to listen to Ben Stein talk for more than half a second at a time before punching him right in the fucking mouth), and audiences have responded with a colossal "meh." Despite the film's place on this list and the fact that it is now one of the highest grossing political documentaries of all time, it still only earned just over $3 million this weekend, about $500,000 short of its production budget. That isn't counting the many millions spent on marketing the film and the many more millions that will be spent on its legal defense (they kinda forgot to get the rights to a John Lennon song they used in the movie, and nobody is more lawsuit happy in the music industry than the lawyers connected to former Beatles. A song by the Killers and a number of the video clips shown in the film were also used without permission). Since few films do better in their second week than they did in their first, this is looking to be a turd in the water.
10. "Leatherheads." Earned less than the above movie despite only being in its third weekend and starring George Clooney.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Coming Soon
Here's a look at some of the films opening up over the next few weeks:
April 25 brings us "Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay." I think I speak for everyone in the entire world when I say: Where the fuck did this come from? I'm all for mocking the plight of the forgotten and the tortured while simultaneously making goofy digs at those in power, but why have it star the two silly bastards from a movie that didn't really need a sequel? At least it has the decency to look funny.
On May 2 we get the unbridled coolness of "Iron Man," the story of a drunken billionaire who saves the world. Also opening is "Made of Honor," in which Patrick Dempsey plays an insufferable prick who ends up with the woman of his dreams. Basically a gender-switch "27 Dresses." The director is best known for "Leonard Part 6" and "City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold." Keep that in mind when this rakes in tens of millions of dollars.
The summer movie season really kicks off with "Speed Racer" on May 9. The Wachowski Brothers will undoubtedly employ their ability to make something that looks interesting without making a bit of fucking sense. Also opening is a film starring human genital wart Ashton Kutcher, who looks like a total douchbag even in the poster.
Finally, May 16 brings us "Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian." Trendy fantasy action mixed with a Christian parable and with Lewis's anti-Islam portrayals watered down. I'm really looking forward to when the post-"Lord of the Rings" film cycle comes to an end and we can move on to some other grating, overblown trend.
April 25 brings us "Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay." I think I speak for everyone in the entire world when I say: Where the fuck did this come from? I'm all for mocking the plight of the forgotten and the tortured while simultaneously making goofy digs at those in power, but why have it star the two silly bastards from a movie that didn't really need a sequel? At least it has the decency to look funny.
On May 2 we get the unbridled coolness of "Iron Man," the story of a drunken billionaire who saves the world. Also opening is "Made of Honor," in which Patrick Dempsey plays an insufferable prick who ends up with the woman of his dreams. Basically a gender-switch "27 Dresses." The director is best known for "Leonard Part 6" and "City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold." Keep that in mind when this rakes in tens of millions of dollars.
The summer movie season really kicks off with "Speed Racer" on May 9. The Wachowski Brothers will undoubtedly employ their ability to make something that looks interesting without making a bit of fucking sense. Also opening is a film starring human genital wart Ashton Kutcher, who looks like a total douchbag even in the poster.
Finally, May 16 brings us "Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian." Trendy fantasy action mixed with a Christian parable and with Lewis's anti-Islam portrayals watered down. I'm really looking forward to when the post-"Lord of the Rings" film cycle comes to an end and we can move on to some other grating, overblown trend.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Murder, Mayhem and Celluloid
They Train You About This Before You Start Work
Lawanda Jackson, a hospital employee at the UCLA Medical Center who was caught accessing the records of over 60 celebrities, insists that she had no intention of selling off the information and was only "just being nosy." By "being nosy" she of course means "violating a federal law." At that point it actually kind of stops being "nosy" and starts being "a criminal offense that you know perfectly well will get you fired."
The Great Depression Produced Great Movies
A couple of film projects have fallen apart due to financing issues reportedly related to the current recession, include a new Oliver Stone project and a Tim Robbins-directed feature. Go, Recession, Go! Let's see if we can keep Michael Moore from making another film!
Current Top Ten at the Box Office
1. "21." Still fucking at it with this, eh? I'll once again go out on a limb here and say that no movie ever made about gambling has been better than mediocre.
2. "Nim's Island." I read the description of this and went, "Huh?" Springtime family fun about some people and some things and fuck it I'll never see it.
3. "Leatherheads." The only really positive thing I can think to say about this film is that there could be worse movies on this list.
4. "Horton Hears a Who!" I rest my case. Dr. Seuss is probably spinning so fast in his grave at this point that he could be used as an electric turbine.
5. "The Ruins." Sounded awesome, but the previews provoked nothing more than a thundering "'k" within me. Withholding judgment for the time being.
6. "Superhero Movie." I swear by all merciful mother of fuck I hate these fucking spoof movies and by extension anyone who is involved in them or willingly pays to see them. You will all rot in a vast seething hell of your own creation.
7. "Meet the Browns." Is it too much to ask of Tyler Perry that he try to make a movie that's good?
8. "Drillbit Taylor." Did I miss something here? I mean, this movie sucks, right? I have not seen any indication that it's funny, have heard nothing but poor reviews about it from friends and critics alike and yet there it sits, squatting on this list like a dead cat in my chili.
9. "Shutter." So...much...pain.
10. "10,000 B.C." Yikes. You know, I used to get depressed that movies like this always seem to become popular. I harked back to a better time when people could see quality films on a regular basis and good movies earned money from positive word-of-mouth while bad films were buried and forgotten. Then you know what I realized? There was no such time. It has always been shit. We have always supported the basest, most anti-intellectual, marketing-focused drivel imaginable and we only imagine it was ever better because film history has been written by appreciators who praise the quality works while ignoring the shit. But in truth it has always been a pretty steady diet of shit. Now I don't get depressed anymore when I see movies such as this making a fortune. I just polish my rifle, adjust my scope and wait for the hand of God to guide me.
Lawanda Jackson, a hospital employee at the UCLA Medical Center who was caught accessing the records of over 60 celebrities, insists that she had no intention of selling off the information and was only "just being nosy." By "being nosy" she of course means "violating a federal law." At that point it actually kind of stops being "nosy" and starts being "a criminal offense that you know perfectly well will get you fired."
The Great Depression Produced Great Movies
A couple of film projects have fallen apart due to financing issues reportedly related to the current recession, include a new Oliver Stone project and a Tim Robbins-directed feature. Go, Recession, Go! Let's see if we can keep Michael Moore from making another film!
Current Top Ten at the Box Office
1. "21." Still fucking at it with this, eh? I'll once again go out on a limb here and say that no movie ever made about gambling has been better than mediocre.
2. "Nim's Island." I read the description of this and went, "Huh?" Springtime family fun about some people and some things and fuck it I'll never see it.
3. "Leatherheads." The only really positive thing I can think to say about this film is that there could be worse movies on this list.
4. "Horton Hears a Who!" I rest my case. Dr. Seuss is probably spinning so fast in his grave at this point that he could be used as an electric turbine.
5. "The Ruins." Sounded awesome, but the previews provoked nothing more than a thundering "'k" within me. Withholding judgment for the time being.
6. "Superhero Movie." I swear by all merciful mother of fuck I hate these fucking spoof movies and by extension anyone who is involved in them or willingly pays to see them. You will all rot in a vast seething hell of your own creation.
7. "Meet the Browns." Is it too much to ask of Tyler Perry that he try to make a movie that's good?
8. "Drillbit Taylor." Did I miss something here? I mean, this movie sucks, right? I have not seen any indication that it's funny, have heard nothing but poor reviews about it from friends and critics alike and yet there it sits, squatting on this list like a dead cat in my chili.
9. "Shutter." So...much...pain.
10. "10,000 B.C." Yikes. You know, I used to get depressed that movies like this always seem to become popular. I harked back to a better time when people could see quality films on a regular basis and good movies earned money from positive word-of-mouth while bad films were buried and forgotten. Then you know what I realized? There was no such time. It has always been shit. We have always supported the basest, most anti-intellectual, marketing-focused drivel imaginable and we only imagine it was ever better because film history has been written by appreciators who praise the quality works while ignoring the shit. But in truth it has always been a pretty steady diet of shit. Now I don't get depressed anymore when I see movies such as this making a fortune. I just polish my rifle, adjust my scope and wait for the hand of God to guide me.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Horton Hears a Who Gives a Shit!" Jesus Fucking Christ on an Fucking Pogo Stick, is this really the best we can do, America? Show some fucking self-respect for once.
2. "Meet the Browns." Tyler Perry indulges in his transvestitism again and pulls out another winner. Perry seems to have found the key to success in Hollywood: Find a formula that makes money and then plow it into the god damned Earth. I wonder why more people haven't tried this scheme? Ah, that's right. They have. And that's why as a culture we are being buried in a titanic mound of shit spewing forth from every available medium.
3. "Shutter." Creepy dead people in photos. Stars a "Grey's Anatomy" reject and an actress from a Michael Bay movie. Why not just spend the $8 bucks on some nails and a hammer with which to pound on your own or someone else's genitalia? Either way, it's much more entertaining, and you will have saved an hour and a half.
4. "Drillbit Taylor." Owen Wilson plays a con artist who exploits some socially inept teenagers for his own personal gain and finds love along the way. You know, I really do want to like movies. I always hope that each movie that comes out will be worthwhile and entertaining. And then movies such as "Drillbit Taylor" come out and a part of me dies inside like a cold, shivering child at the hands of a homicidal pedophile.
5. "10,000 B.C." Roland Emmerich deserves to have his cock rubbed with a nail file until there is nothing left of it. He is a blight on our world, creating distracting images that keep us from developing as a culture and attaining a state of true fulfillment. If you see any of his movies willingly, your soul will be poisoned forever and we won't let you on the spaceship when the rest of us go to explore the Universe.
6. "Never Back Down." Cage fighting and high school drama combined with "Karate Kid" to make some sort of uber-retardo plot about something that no one with an IQ higher than Econoline Van full of tweekers will ever care about.
7. "College Road Trip." I have this frightening vision sometimes that movies such as this are not actually written by anyone or approved by anyone. They just sort of enter development and are produced without anyone really knowing why, the product of a vast unseen evil that hides with the bureaucracy of major movie studios.
8. "The Bank Job." I'm probably going to go see this, if for no other reason than that it is the only movie on this list that does not look like a complete and utter piece of shit.
9. "Vantage Point." Stuff happens. It's confusing for awhile and then it starts to make a little bit of sense and then it ends. There, summed up the movie for you and I haven't even seen it.
10. "Under the Same Moon." Illegal immigrants are people too. They have obvious, saccharine family dramas made about them just like the rest of us.
2. "Meet the Browns." Tyler Perry indulges in his transvestitism again and pulls out another winner. Perry seems to have found the key to success in Hollywood: Find a formula that makes money and then plow it into the god damned Earth. I wonder why more people haven't tried this scheme? Ah, that's right. They have. And that's why as a culture we are being buried in a titanic mound of shit spewing forth from every available medium.
3. "Shutter." Creepy dead people in photos. Stars a "Grey's Anatomy" reject and an actress from a Michael Bay movie. Why not just spend the $8 bucks on some nails and a hammer with which to pound on your own or someone else's genitalia? Either way, it's much more entertaining, and you will have saved an hour and a half.
4. "Drillbit Taylor." Owen Wilson plays a con artist who exploits some socially inept teenagers for his own personal gain and finds love along the way. You know, I really do want to like movies. I always hope that each movie that comes out will be worthwhile and entertaining. And then movies such as "Drillbit Taylor" come out and a part of me dies inside like a cold, shivering child at the hands of a homicidal pedophile.
5. "10,000 B.C." Roland Emmerich deserves to have his cock rubbed with a nail file until there is nothing left of it. He is a blight on our world, creating distracting images that keep us from developing as a culture and attaining a state of true fulfillment. If you see any of his movies willingly, your soul will be poisoned forever and we won't let you on the spaceship when the rest of us go to explore the Universe.
6. "Never Back Down." Cage fighting and high school drama combined with "Karate Kid" to make some sort of uber-retardo plot about something that no one with an IQ higher than Econoline Van full of tweekers will ever care about.
7. "College Road Trip." I have this frightening vision sometimes that movies such as this are not actually written by anyone or approved by anyone. They just sort of enter development and are produced without anyone really knowing why, the product of a vast unseen evil that hides with the bureaucracy of major movie studios.
8. "The Bank Job." I'm probably going to go see this, if for no other reason than that it is the only movie on this list that does not look like a complete and utter piece of shit.
9. "Vantage Point." Stuff happens. It's confusing for awhile and then it starts to make a little bit of sense and then it ends. There, summed up the movie for you and I haven't even seen it.
10. "Under the Same Moon." Illegal immigrants are people too. They have obvious, saccharine family dramas made about them just like the rest of us.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Random News
Disposable Income Scattered to the Wind
People came out in droves this weekend to see Hollywood piss all over a beloved childhood classic and subsequently "Horton Hears a Who!" had the best opening weekend of a film so far this year. Expanding a book that couldn't have more than 500 words into a feature length film, "Horton" tells the tale of an elephant that can hear a microscopic civilization and attempts to protect it, thus imparting the valuable moral lesson that we should all listen to the voices in our heads and do what they say, even if other people tell us we're crazy.
Religious Persecution and Fart Jokes
Hindus are raising a ruckus over the new Mike Meyers comedy "The Love Guru," apparently for its stereotypical and insulting depiction of Hindu holy men. Not that you need a reason to protest the release of a new Mike Meyers film, as the man is about as funny as watching puppies get thrown into a stump grinder...over and over again...for a solid hour and a half...it...just...won't...stop.
Paul Retains Custody of Ringo
Paul McCartney's ex-wife Heather Mills has been awarded nearly $50 million in their divorce settlement, an amount I believe Sir Paul was able to dig out from under his sofa cushions. The divorce will certainly inspire McCartney to write another album, to be played exclusively at Starbucks and to be purchased solely by his fellow pod people.
Rich People Breeding
Halle Berry recently gave birth to a baby girl. You know what this means, don't you? Someone has had sex with Halle Berry and it's not me. I guess I'll just have to hold out for Natalie Portman (I forgive you for the "Star Wars" prequels, sweetness, just promise you won't do it again).
People came out in droves this weekend to see Hollywood piss all over a beloved childhood classic and subsequently "Horton Hears a Who!" had the best opening weekend of a film so far this year. Expanding a book that couldn't have more than 500 words into a feature length film, "Horton" tells the tale of an elephant that can hear a microscopic civilization and attempts to protect it, thus imparting the valuable moral lesson that we should all listen to the voices in our heads and do what they say, even if other people tell us we're crazy.
Religious Persecution and Fart Jokes
Hindus are raising a ruckus over the new Mike Meyers comedy "The Love Guru," apparently for its stereotypical and insulting depiction of Hindu holy men. Not that you need a reason to protest the release of a new Mike Meyers film, as the man is about as funny as watching puppies get thrown into a stump grinder...over and over again...for a solid hour and a half...it...just...won't...stop.
Paul Retains Custody of Ringo
Paul McCartney's ex-wife Heather Mills has been awarded nearly $50 million in their divorce settlement, an amount I believe Sir Paul was able to dig out from under his sofa cushions. The divorce will certainly inspire McCartney to write another album, to be played exclusively at Starbucks and to be purchased solely by his fellow pod people.
Rich People Breeding
Halle Berry recently gave birth to a baby girl. You know what this means, don't you? Someone has had sex with Halle Berry and it's not me. I guess I'll just have to hold out for Natalie Portman (I forgive you for the "Star Wars" prequels, sweetness, just promise you won't do it again).
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Coming Soon!
Here's a look at some of the upcoming releases audiences will be sure to just orgasm in their pants about:
March 21: "Drillbit Taylor." I'm guessing, based on the previews, that the release of this film was the reason for Owen Wilson's emo moment a couple months back. A couple of high school freshmen get picked on too much and hire a blah dee blah who gives a fuck? What has been released from the film so far couldn't be less funny if it involved the anal rape of starving Ugandan orphans, so unless they're holding back on us (the filmmakers, I mean, not the orphans) this will probably be a mild distraction for the inebriated and not much else.
March 28: "21." "Based on actual events" in much the same way your bowel movement this morning was based on the tandoori platter you ate last night. Young math wizards count cards and take casinos for millions. Notice how they shove all of the Asians into the background and sex everything up? This is supposed to a group of MIT students, right? Also, from the previews, the main character seems to need the money to pay for school, but is also shown getting phenomenal grades at one of the most prestigious universities in the country. Which would mean he would be eligible for big time scholarships, right? If you can't wrap up your glaring plot loopholes in the preview, then that doesn't imbue me with a lot of confidence for your project.
April 4: "Leatherheads." George Clooney attempts old-fashioned scewball comedy with this film about football players in 1925. The main plot thrust involves attempts to discover why Renee Zellweger never opens her eyes.
April 11: "Prom Night." A remake! A PG-13 horror film! A cast of nobodies and a television director! It couldn't possibly suck! (By the way, for you horror fans out there, director Nelson McCormick is also planning on shitting over "The Stepfather").
March 21: "Drillbit Taylor." I'm guessing, based on the previews, that the release of this film was the reason for Owen Wilson's emo moment a couple months back. A couple of high school freshmen get picked on too much and hire a blah dee blah who gives a fuck? What has been released from the film so far couldn't be less funny if it involved the anal rape of starving Ugandan orphans, so unless they're holding back on us (the filmmakers, I mean, not the orphans) this will probably be a mild distraction for the inebriated and not much else.
March 28: "21." "Based on actual events" in much the same way your bowel movement this morning was based on the tandoori platter you ate last night. Young math wizards count cards and take casinos for millions. Notice how they shove all of the Asians into the background and sex everything up? This is supposed to a group of MIT students, right? Also, from the previews, the main character seems to need the money to pay for school, but is also shown getting phenomenal grades at one of the most prestigious universities in the country. Which would mean he would be eligible for big time scholarships, right? If you can't wrap up your glaring plot loopholes in the preview, then that doesn't imbue me with a lot of confidence for your project.
April 4: "Leatherheads." George Clooney attempts old-fashioned scewball comedy with this film about football players in 1925. The main plot thrust involves attempts to discover why Renee Zellweger never opens her eyes.
April 11: "Prom Night." A remake! A PG-13 horror film! A cast of nobodies and a television director! It couldn't possibly suck! (By the way, for you horror fans out there, director Nelson McCormick is also planning on shitting over "The Stepfather").
Monday, March 3, 2008
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Semi-Pro." Will Ferrell farts out another sports comedy, full of piddling "improvisation" and 1970's kitsch. Top at the box office, despite only pulling in just over $15 million, about half its expected earnings. Great start to the week.
2. "Vantage Point." Five points-of-view are tied together depicting an attempted presidential assassination. This is the sort of film that critics will call "Rashomon" style in order to sound informed, despite the fact that just telling a story from different perspectives doesn't make it anything like "Rashomon." Not that anyone will remember this film in three month's time.
3. "The Spiderwick Chronicles." I keep forgetting this movie exists. Then I have to write this list and I remember it for a moment and then it slips away again.
4. "The Other Boleyn Girl." Whenever I hear that a movie is about British royalty, my heartbeat drops a bit and my lids start to slide shut. Generally someone has to slap me in the face to keep me from lapsing right into a coma. Eye-candy of the year Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman star as sisters fighting for the affection of King Henry VIII, who murdered his friends and caused his country endless misery during his rule, starting his own religion because he wanted to bang one piece of ass rather than another. How romantic.
5. "Jumper." This still exists? Fuck, fuck, fuck.
6. "Step Up 2 the Streets." I'll sum up the entire appeal of this movie: jiggle jiggle jiggle.
7. "Fool's Gold." 20 years ago this would have starred Kurt Russel and Goldie Hawn. I guess Hawn's daughter will have to carry the torch with her own slab of beefcake by her side.
8. "Penelope." As soon as I hear the words "modern-day fairy tale about a princess who..." I die a little more inside. If we really wanted to make an old school fairy tale, the princess would end up raped by gnomes and someone's grandmother would be dismembered. Have you ever actually read any of the Grimm Brother's tales? The closest modern equivalent is "Tales from the Crypt."
9. "No Country for Old Men." Riding the post-Oscar rush, though I might add still earning less than all of the movies I have just mentioned.
10. "Juno." Yes, it is a good movie. No, it is not the best written film of this or any other year. I have said my piece.
2. "Vantage Point." Five points-of-view are tied together depicting an attempted presidential assassination. This is the sort of film that critics will call "Rashomon" style in order to sound informed, despite the fact that just telling a story from different perspectives doesn't make it anything like "Rashomon." Not that anyone will remember this film in three month's time.
3. "The Spiderwick Chronicles." I keep forgetting this movie exists. Then I have to write this list and I remember it for a moment and then it slips away again.
4. "The Other Boleyn Girl." Whenever I hear that a movie is about British royalty, my heartbeat drops a bit and my lids start to slide shut. Generally someone has to slap me in the face to keep me from lapsing right into a coma. Eye-candy of the year Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman star as sisters fighting for the affection of King Henry VIII, who murdered his friends and caused his country endless misery during his rule, starting his own religion because he wanted to bang one piece of ass rather than another. How romantic.
5. "Jumper." This still exists? Fuck, fuck, fuck.
6. "Step Up 2 the Streets." I'll sum up the entire appeal of this movie: jiggle jiggle jiggle.
7. "Fool's Gold." 20 years ago this would have starred Kurt Russel and Goldie Hawn. I guess Hawn's daughter will have to carry the torch with her own slab of beefcake by her side.
8. "Penelope." As soon as I hear the words "modern-day fairy tale about a princess who..." I die a little more inside. If we really wanted to make an old school fairy tale, the princess would end up raped by gnomes and someone's grandmother would be dismembered. Have you ever actually read any of the Grimm Brother's tales? The closest modern equivalent is "Tales from the Crypt."
9. "No Country for Old Men." Riding the post-Oscar rush, though I might add still earning less than all of the movies I have just mentioned.
10. "Juno." Yes, it is a good movie. No, it is not the best written film of this or any other year. I have said my piece.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Some Notes on the Oscars
Pretty run-of-the-mill ceremony this year, even though it is the award's big 8-0. Jon Stewart was occasionally funny and kept out of the way, managing not to mince around and embarrass everyone and himself, as seems to be the Oscar tradition going back to the Billy Crystal days. When jokes fell flat, it usually wasn't Stewart telling them. There was also no interpretive dance, though having to listen through three songs from "Enchanted" was a bit of a trial (no Celine Dion though, and thank you Jesus for small mercies).
It helped that the movies nominated were at least good-to-great this year, and there was nothing on the odious level of "Crash" or "Gladiator" floating around, causing me to go into spittle-flinging rants.
Here are a couple of stray observations:
-Michael Moore did not win for best doc, so we can all just go back to pretending he doesn't exist.
-The fucking penguins did not win an Oscar.
-The Foreign Language award went once again to what was reportedly the worst of the candidates, carrying on the long running Oscar tradition of making sure that the only foreign films most Americans hear about are the shitty ones.
-Now that Diablo Cody has won an Oscar, maybe she'll go on to write something with multidimensional characters who don't speak in inanely quirky dialog.
-Weird how everyone who won the major acting and directing categories, even the best film, seemed to deserve it.
It helped that the movies nominated were at least good-to-great this year, and there was nothing on the odious level of "Crash" or "Gladiator" floating around, causing me to go into spittle-flinging rants.
Here are a couple of stray observations:
-Michael Moore did not win for best doc, so we can all just go back to pretending he doesn't exist.
-The fucking penguins did not win an Oscar.
-The Foreign Language award went once again to what was reportedly the worst of the candidates, carrying on the long running Oscar tradition of making sure that the only foreign films most Americans hear about are the shitty ones.
-Now that Diablo Cody has won an Oscar, maybe she'll go on to write something with multidimensional characters who don't speak in inanely quirky dialog.
-Weird how everyone who won the major acting and directing categories, even the best film, seemed to deserve it.
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