Coming Soon!

Here's a look at some of the upcoming releases audiences will be sure to just orgasm in their pants about:

March 21: "Drillbit Taylor." I'm guessing, based on the previews, that the release of this film was the reason for Owen Wilson's emo moment a couple months back. A couple of high school freshmen get picked on too much and hire a blah dee blah who gives a fuck? What has been released from the film so far couldn't be less funny if it involved the anal rape of starving Ugandan orphans, so unless they're holding back on us (the filmmakers, I mean, not the orphans) this will probably be a mild distraction for the inebriated and not much else.

March 28: "21." "Based on actual events" in much the same way your bowel movement this morning was based on the tandoori platter you ate last night. Young math wizards count cards and take casinos for millions. Notice how they shove all of the Asians into the background and sex everything up? This is supposed to a group of MIT students, right? Also, from the previews, the main character seems to need the money to pay for school, but is also shown getting phenomenal grades at one of the most prestigious universities in the country. Which would mean he would be eligible for big time scholarships, right? If you can't wrap up your glaring plot loopholes in the preview, then that doesn't imbue me with a lot of confidence for your project.

April 4: "Leatherheads." George Clooney attempts old-fashioned scewball comedy with this film about football players in 1925. The main plot thrust involves attempts to discover why Renee Zellweger never opens her eyes.

April 11: "Prom Night." A remake! A PG-13 horror film! A cast of nobodies and a television director! It couldn't possibly suck! (By the way, for you horror fans out there, director Nelson McCormick is also planning on shitting over "The Stepfather").