Coming Soon

Here's a look at some of the films opening up over the next few weeks:

April 25 brings us "Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay." I think I speak for everyone in the entire world when I say: Where the fuck did this come from? I'm all for mocking the plight of the forgotten and the tortured while simultaneously making goofy digs at those in power, but why have it star the two silly bastards from a movie that didn't really need a sequel? At least it has the decency to look funny.

On May 2 we get the unbridled coolness of "Iron Man," the story of a drunken billionaire who saves the world. Also opening is "Made of Honor," in which Patrick Dempsey plays an insufferable prick who ends up with the woman of his dreams. Basically a gender-switch "27 Dresses." The director is best known for "Leonard Part 6" and "City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold." Keep that in mind when this rakes in tens of millions of dollars.

The summer movie season really kicks off with "Speed Racer" on May 9. The Wachowski Brothers will undoubtedly employ their ability to make something that looks interesting without making a bit of fucking sense. Also opening is a film starring human genital wart Ashton Kutcher, who looks like a total douchbag even in the poster.

Finally, May 16 brings us "Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian." Trendy fantasy action mixed with a Christian parable and with Lewis's anti-Islam portrayals watered down. I'm really looking forward to when the post-"Lord of the Rings" film cycle comes to an end and we can move on to some other grating, overblown trend.