1. "Semi-Pro." Will Ferrell farts out another sports comedy, full of piddling "improvisation" and 1970's kitsch. Top at the box office, despite only pulling in just over $15 million, about half its expected earnings. Great start to the week.
2. "Vantage Point." Five points-of-view are tied together depicting an attempted presidential assassination. This is the sort of film that critics will call "Rashomon" style in order to sound informed, despite the fact that just telling a story from different perspectives doesn't make it anything like "Rashomon." Not that anyone will remember this film in three month's time.
3. "The Spiderwick Chronicles." I keep forgetting this movie exists. Then I have to write this list and I remember it for a moment and then it slips away again.
4. "The Other Boleyn Girl." Whenever I hear that a movie is about British royalty, my heartbeat drops a bit and my lids start to slide shut. Generally someone has to slap me in the face to keep me from lapsing right into a coma. Eye-candy of the year Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman star as sisters fighting for the affection of King Henry VIII, who murdered his friends and caused his country endless misery during his rule, starting his own religion because he wanted to bang one piece of ass rather than another. How romantic.
5. "Jumper." This still exists? Fuck, fuck, fuck.
6. "Step Up 2 the Streets." I'll sum up the entire appeal of this movie: jiggle jiggle jiggle.
7. "Fool's Gold." 20 years ago this would have starred Kurt Russel and Goldie Hawn. I guess Hawn's daughter will have to carry the torch with her own slab of beefcake by her side.
8. "Penelope." As soon as I hear the words "modern-day fairy tale about a princess who..." I die a little more inside. If we really wanted to make an old school fairy tale, the princess would end up raped by gnomes and someone's grandmother would be dismembered. Have you ever actually read any of the Grimm Brother's tales? The closest modern equivalent is "Tales from the Crypt."
9. "No Country for Old Men." Riding the post-Oscar rush, though I might add still earning less than all of the movies I have just mentioned.
10. "Juno." Yes, it is a good movie. No, it is not the best written film of this or any other year. I have said my piece.
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