Death Becomes Her
Anna Nicole Smith's diaries from 1992 and 1994 have been sold on eBay for $500,000 total. To rephrase that, someone spent half a million dollars to read the private thoughts of a person who, according to all visible evidence, had no brain. This is where the fall of the empire begins, this moment. If barbarians aren't sacking the capital by next Tuesday, I am going to be very disappointed.
Fantasia
In other news involving the printed word: The son of J.R.R. Tolkien (he doesn't actually have a name, he's just "that 'Lord of the Rings' guy's son") has finished the last book by his father, "The Children of Hurin," using his father's notes. I'm sure it will be just fantastic. Though I do find it a little interesting that he only decided to publish this after the film adaptations of "Lord of the Rings" trilogy made billions of dollars. And that nobody is actually talking about the book itself, just the possible film adaptation. And that J.R.R. Tolkien was not that great of a writer and that his son has been basically publishing any old crap that was left on his dad's desk for going on thirty years now.
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "TMNT," i.e. a new computer animated version of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Will they completely miss the irony of the subject? Will the 1980s actually happen again? We'll just have to see.
2. "300," a film which has caused a bit of a dust up, apparently because it kind of sucks, but is popular regardless. Oh yeah, and Iran think it's anti-Iranian propaganda, which would be completely absurd except for the fact that it kind of is. It's hard to miss since the film makes the Persians (of which the Iranians are the remnants) come off as preening pansies that are taunted by the Spartan heroes as being "boy-lovers." Which when you think about it is kind of an absurd thing for a Spartan to taunt someone about since Spartan society was about as gay as a San Francisco gay pride parade on international "Fuck a Man in the Ass" day. I mean, these guys were REALLY gay. When your ideal measure of beauty is "the pert round butt cheeks of a fair-haired male youth," you are dealing with some hardcore rainbow-flag-waving motherfuckers. Oh yeah, and the Spartans eliminated all family ties in preference of ties to the State, were stone morons when it came to battlefield tactics and were defeated by the Persians whenever the Persians had a general with half a brain. They were war-worshipping uberjock fascists whose idea of a romantic wedding night was to shave their wife's head so she would look more manish and then bang her prison style. It was like an entire society made up of Texas high school football teams, only without the repression. And it was actually the Athenians who defeated the Persians in the end. Funny how none of that made it into the film.
3. "Shooter" which stars Mark Wahlberg as a bad ass, the role he was born to never, ever play.
4. "Wild Hogs." It's like someone took everything that is not funny in this world and put it in a movie. Honestly, this looks about as laugh inducing as a late-term abortion.
5. "The Last Mimzy." We can only hope.
6. "The Hills Have Eyes 2." The sequel to the remake of the film that already had a sequel, but not a remake of the sequel to the original film. Got that? Who gives a fuck, they hired a music video director to shoot it and it came out about a shitty as expected.
7. "Premonition." I'm looking into the future and seeing another piece of semi-supernatural crap with Sandra Bullock in it.
8. "Reign Over Me," in which Adam Sandler continues his attempt to be taken seriously, in between his attempts to make bank by producing/starring in comedies so tediously unfunny that they actually suck the joy out of other films showing in the same theater.
9. "Pride" combines the "coach turns ragtag team into champions" plot with the "teacher turns tough inner city kids into talented winners" plot, along with a dash of the "inspirational true story" plot to make some sort of ultra-boring Super Plot.
10. "Dead Silence." AKA "Ventriloquist Dolls Are Creepy When They Move by Themselves, Here is a Movie About It."
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Oscar Notes
I know I'm a little late on this, but here's some thoughts on the Oscar Ceremony:
1. Did you notice how when the ceremony started, members of the audience were standing up and applauding no one in particular? I know that award shows are supposed to be orgies of self-congratulation, but is there really any reason to be such cocksuckers about it? At least they got Errol Morris to do a cool little intro before the ceremony, though it took me a minute before I realized I wasn't watching a Mac ad.
2. So, Ellen DeGeneres, eh? Sure, whatever, at least she managed to go through most of the night without being terrible or making me cringe. Though you know it does not bode well for you as an award ceremony if Ellen DeGeneres comes off like a breath of fresh air.
3. Jack Nicholson looks like a penis. Just thought I would throw that out there.
4. So "Pan's Labyrinth" wins an assload of tech awards and is nominated for best screenplay but does not win the Best Foreign Language award? Fucking Germans.
5. I think I threw up a little bit when the words "interpretive dance" were spoken out loud.
6. So Jessica Hudson gets an award and Peter O'Toole gets the shaft again. Not that he really deserved it this year. I think at this point the Academy is just nominating him out of spite.
7. Celine Dion, WTF? What necromancer did they have to contact to get her to perform? And what exactly does she have to do with Ennio Morricone? I did like the way Clint Eastwood Alzhimered his way through his tribute. You could tell Ennio was impressed (for those not watching, through most of the ceremony his face looked like someone had just taken a dump in his breakfast).
8. Scorsese finally gets his Oscar, though it's for a film everyone seems to know is not his best work, which means it's more like an apology than an award. The best picture win is no big surprise, since it was basically a crapshoot (though "Little Miss Sunshine" didn't have a chance. You know the last time a comedy won best picture at the Oscars? 1977).
9. Acting awards went to people playing national leaders: a charismatic, homicidal cannibal and Idi Amehn, respectively.
10. Those fucking dancing penguins won an Oscar. If I had children, I would rather take them to a snuff film then have them see "Happy Feet."
1. Did you notice how when the ceremony started, members of the audience were standing up and applauding no one in particular? I know that award shows are supposed to be orgies of self-congratulation, but is there really any reason to be such cocksuckers about it? At least they got Errol Morris to do a cool little intro before the ceremony, though it took me a minute before I realized I wasn't watching a Mac ad.
2. So, Ellen DeGeneres, eh? Sure, whatever, at least she managed to go through most of the night without being terrible or making me cringe. Though you know it does not bode well for you as an award ceremony if Ellen DeGeneres comes off like a breath of fresh air.
3. Jack Nicholson looks like a penis. Just thought I would throw that out there.
4. So "Pan's Labyrinth" wins an assload of tech awards and is nominated for best screenplay but does not win the Best Foreign Language award? Fucking Germans.
5. I think I threw up a little bit when the words "interpretive dance" were spoken out loud.
6. So Jessica Hudson gets an award and Peter O'Toole gets the shaft again. Not that he really deserved it this year. I think at this point the Academy is just nominating him out of spite.
7. Celine Dion, WTF? What necromancer did they have to contact to get her to perform? And what exactly does she have to do with Ennio Morricone? I did like the way Clint Eastwood Alzhimered his way through his tribute. You could tell Ennio was impressed (for those not watching, through most of the ceremony his face looked like someone had just taken a dump in his breakfast).
8. Scorsese finally gets his Oscar, though it's for a film everyone seems to know is not his best work, which means it's more like an apology than an award. The best picture win is no big surprise, since it was basically a crapshoot (though "Little Miss Sunshine" didn't have a chance. You know the last time a comedy won best picture at the Oscars? 1977).
9. Acting awards went to people playing national leaders: a charismatic, homicidal cannibal and Idi Amehn, respectively.
10. Those fucking dancing penguins won an Oscar. If I had children, I would rather take them to a snuff film then have them see "Happy Feet."
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Time Keeps on Slipping
Quick Question
Okay, entire population of the world, show of hands: Who here has NOT fucked Anna Nicole Smith? Anyone?
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Norbit." So it's finally happened: Eddie Murphy has been paid $20 million dollars to fuck himself on screen, and people are willingly paying to see it.
2. "Hannibal Rising." Does anyone actually give a shit about Hannibal Lector outside of "Silence of the Lambs"? And he really wasn't even the villain in that. So...why?
3. "Because I Said So." Great. A movie about someone's mom getting it on. Just the thing to lift my spirits in these dark months.
4. "The Messengers." Sounds pretty cool, looks kind of creepy. Wait, PG-13? Fuck it.
5. "Night at the Museum." Why do movies like this even exist? "Because it's so nice to have a movie we can take the kids to." Oh yeah, that lame fucking excuse. Listen, instead of taking your kids out to see this brain-rotting piece of garbage why don't you just take them out back and beat them with a shovel for an hour and a half. They'll be quite afterwards and it will do about the same amount of damage to their future development potential.
6. "Epic Movie." "You know all those shitty blockbusters that came out in the last year? Here are some scenes from them with different actors. Oh yeah, and it's supposed to be funny."
7. "Smokin' Aces." Bunch of people with bad hair and guns and the acting ability of lukewarm pork shoot at stuff and exchange swear words for an hour and a half of poorly thought out plotting. I AM SO THERE!
8. "Pan's Labyrinth." Fan boys around the world are wetting their pants around this.
9. "Dreamgirls," which was nominated for a few Oscars, but was surprisingly shut out of most of the major categories, apparently for the unfortunate flaw of not being all that good.
10. "The Queen." If the Academy Awards had a specific set of rules for the type of movie that is always going to be nominated for an Oscar, this would meet most of the criteria. If I had a specific set of rules for the kind of film that evokes absolutely no emotional response from me, it would meet most of those as well.
A Look At Upcoming Films This Year
"The Hills Have Eyes II," the "Are We There Yet?" sequel "Are We Done Yet?," "Shrek the Third," "Ocean's Thirteen," "Hostel: Part II," "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer," the "Bruce Almighty" sequel "Evan Almighty," "Live Free or Die Hard" ("Die Hard 4"), "The Bourne Ultimatum," "Rush Hour 3," "Resident Evil: Extinction," "Saw IV," "National Treasure: Book of Secrets" and "Alien vs. Predator: AVP2."
Also expected in the next year:
Horror Film Remakes: 3
Video Game Adaptations: 2
Stephen King Adaptations: 2
Adaptations of Old Cartoon Shows: 3
Movies with Cuba Gooding Jr. in Them: 3
Movies Directed By Ben Affleck: 1
Movies About Football: 2
Okay, entire population of the world, show of hands: Who here has NOT fucked Anna Nicole Smith? Anyone?
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Norbit." So it's finally happened: Eddie Murphy has been paid $20 million dollars to fuck himself on screen, and people are willingly paying to see it.
2. "Hannibal Rising." Does anyone actually give a shit about Hannibal Lector outside of "Silence of the Lambs"? And he really wasn't even the villain in that. So...why?
3. "Because I Said So." Great. A movie about someone's mom getting it on. Just the thing to lift my spirits in these dark months.
4. "The Messengers." Sounds pretty cool, looks kind of creepy. Wait, PG-13? Fuck it.
5. "Night at the Museum." Why do movies like this even exist? "Because it's so nice to have a movie we can take the kids to." Oh yeah, that lame fucking excuse. Listen, instead of taking your kids out to see this brain-rotting piece of garbage why don't you just take them out back and beat them with a shovel for an hour and a half. They'll be quite afterwards and it will do about the same amount of damage to their future development potential.
6. "Epic Movie." "You know all those shitty blockbusters that came out in the last year? Here are some scenes from them with different actors. Oh yeah, and it's supposed to be funny."
7. "Smokin' Aces." Bunch of people with bad hair and guns and the acting ability of lukewarm pork shoot at stuff and exchange swear words for an hour and a half of poorly thought out plotting. I AM SO THERE!
8. "Pan's Labyrinth." Fan boys around the world are wetting their pants around this.
9. "Dreamgirls," which was nominated for a few Oscars, but was surprisingly shut out of most of the major categories, apparently for the unfortunate flaw of not being all that good.
10. "The Queen." If the Academy Awards had a specific set of rules for the type of movie that is always going to be nominated for an Oscar, this would meet most of the criteria. If I had a specific set of rules for the kind of film that evokes absolutely no emotional response from me, it would meet most of those as well.
A Look At Upcoming Films This Year
"The Hills Have Eyes II," the "Are We There Yet?" sequel "Are We Done Yet?," "Shrek the Third," "Ocean's Thirteen," "Hostel: Part II," "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer," the "Bruce Almighty" sequel "Evan Almighty," "Live Free or Die Hard" ("Die Hard 4"), "The Bourne Ultimatum," "Rush Hour 3," "Resident Evil: Extinction," "Saw IV," "National Treasure: Book of Secrets" and "Alien vs. Predator: AVP2."
Also expected in the next year:
Horror Film Remakes: 3
Video Game Adaptations: 2
Stephen King Adaptations: 2
Adaptations of Old Cartoon Shows: 3
Movies with Cuba Gooding Jr. in Them: 3
Movies Directed By Ben Affleck: 1
Movies About Football: 2
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Death Surrounds Us
Dead Famous People
As I'm sure you have all heard, many times from many different sources, Anna Nicole Smith was found dead recently. Apparently we are supposed to care about this. Apparently this is more important for us to know about than the fact that our country is gearing up to invade Iran while the Vice President has a good chance of being indicted and convicted of blowing a CIA agent's cover. Apparently we are all supposed to pretend that Anna Nicole Smith was a person of some value to our society, rather than a brain-dead, gold-digging leech. I don't mean to be insensitive...Okay, wait, actually I do. I could not possibly give less of a shit about her. She was a living monument to everything that is sick and wrong in our society. The only reason I'm not glad she's dead is that I'm not really that cruel of a person. Also, if she were still alive I would not have to deal with the insufferable, meaningless and over-hyped tabloid bullshit about her death.
Nothing Else On
The 2007 Grammy awards are on the way. A dozen award presentations scattered over three hours of shitty rock bands, forced and awkward duets and tired performances by bland, aging pop stars. Couldn't we just drop the pretense of this being an award ceremony and just call it a big, mainstream record company circle jerk that for some reason is being televised?
As I'm sure you have all heard, many times from many different sources, Anna Nicole Smith was found dead recently. Apparently we are supposed to care about this. Apparently this is more important for us to know about than the fact that our country is gearing up to invade Iran while the Vice President has a good chance of being indicted and convicted of blowing a CIA agent's cover. Apparently we are all supposed to pretend that Anna Nicole Smith was a person of some value to our society, rather than a brain-dead, gold-digging leech. I don't mean to be insensitive...Okay, wait, actually I do. I could not possibly give less of a shit about her. She was a living monument to everything that is sick and wrong in our society. The only reason I'm not glad she's dead is that I'm not really that cruel of a person. Also, if she were still alive I would not have to deal with the insufferable, meaningless and over-hyped tabloid bullshit about her death.
Nothing Else On
The 2007 Grammy awards are on the way. A dozen award presentations scattered over three hours of shitty rock bands, forced and awkward duets and tired performances by bland, aging pop stars. Couldn't we just drop the pretense of this being an award ceremony and just call it a big, mainstream record company circle jerk that for some reason is being televised?
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
OSCARS!!!!!!!!!
Gold Statue Time
The Academy Award Nomina..........sorry, blacked out there for a sec. Here are the nominees for the top awards:
Best Picture:
1. "The Queen," which like the royalty it depicts is elegant, classy, and something that I do not even give the slightest bit of a fuck about.
2. "Babel" which as I have stated is one of the two best films of this year I will never, not even at knifepoint have any compelling desire to see.
3. "The Departed." This is the other.
4. "Letters from Iwo Jima," which is this year prerequisite Eastwood film.
5. "Little Miss Sunshine." HOW THE FUCK DID THIS END UP THERE? I mean I heard it was good, but WTF?
Best Director:
1. Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, "Babel." I do not care about this director on a profound level.
2. Martin Scorsese, "The Departed." I lost money on him a couple years ago and now I'm just totally pissed at him.
3. Clint Eastwood, "Letters from Iwo Jima." Why do all of Eastwood's recent films just make me want to OD on sedatives and slip into a nice, relaxed coma?
4. Stephan Frears, "The Queen." Snarky_comment_not_found.
5. Paul Greengrass, "United 93." Prerequisite Bold Choice.
Best Actor:
1. Leonardo DiCaprio, "Blood Diamond." Whoops, puked a little.
2. Ryan Gosling, "Half Nelson." Teacher. Drug Habit. Inner City. He's a shoe-in.
3. Peter O'Toole, "Venus." Have you seen the poster for this? O'Toole looks like one of the living dead.
4. Will SmitAHHHHHHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!
5. Forest Whitaker, "The Last King of Scotland." He plays Idi Amin? Cool.
Best Actress:
1. Penelope Cruz, "Volver." Some shit with a ghost. I totally missed it.
2. Judi Dench, "Notes on a Scandal." Is there some clause in Dench's contract that she has to be nominated for an Oscar no matter what she stars in?
3. Helen Mirren, "The Queen." AKA "The Simon Cowell Story."
4. Meryl whoop-de-fucking-doo Streep in some shit based on a crappy book.
5. Kate Winslet, "Little Children." Are they not even trying over there at the Academy?
Other Highlights:
An "American Idol" loser got nominated for Best Supporting Actress; A movie about dancing penguins got nominated for Best Animated Film; a film that was largely improvised was nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay; an honorary award is going to a man who used electric guitars to score westerns; Al Gore got nominated for an Oscar.
In Other News:
Members of the church's leadership recently called Tom Cruise the "Christ" of Scientology. Like Christ, Cruise has spread his beliefs across the land, has been unpopular with the majority religions and eventually will be nailed to a piece of wood in public, will descend into Hell and then will appear to his followers three days later in the form of ghostly visions. I am also coming to suspect that, like Jesus, Cruise is in fact just a figment of someone's imagination.
The Academy Award Nomina..........sorry, blacked out there for a sec. Here are the nominees for the top awards:
Best Picture:
1. "The Queen," which like the royalty it depicts is elegant, classy, and something that I do not even give the slightest bit of a fuck about.
2. "Babel" which as I have stated is one of the two best films of this year I will never, not even at knifepoint have any compelling desire to see.
3. "The Departed." This is the other.
4. "Letters from Iwo Jima," which is this year prerequisite Eastwood film.
5. "Little Miss Sunshine." HOW THE FUCK DID THIS END UP THERE? I mean I heard it was good, but WTF?
Best Director:
1. Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, "Babel." I do not care about this director on a profound level.
2. Martin Scorsese, "The Departed." I lost money on him a couple years ago and now I'm just totally pissed at him.
3. Clint Eastwood, "Letters from Iwo Jima." Why do all of Eastwood's recent films just make me want to OD on sedatives and slip into a nice, relaxed coma?
4. Stephan Frears, "The Queen." Snarky_comment_not_found.
5. Paul Greengrass, "United 93." Prerequisite Bold Choice.
Best Actor:
1. Leonardo DiCaprio, "Blood Diamond." Whoops, puked a little.
2. Ryan Gosling, "Half Nelson." Teacher. Drug Habit. Inner City. He's a shoe-in.
3. Peter O'Toole, "Venus." Have you seen the poster for this? O'Toole looks like one of the living dead.
4. Will SmitAHHHHHHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!
5. Forest Whitaker, "The Last King of Scotland." He plays Idi Amin? Cool.
Best Actress:
1. Penelope Cruz, "Volver." Some shit with a ghost. I totally missed it.
2. Judi Dench, "Notes on a Scandal." Is there some clause in Dench's contract that she has to be nominated for an Oscar no matter what she stars in?
3. Helen Mirren, "The Queen." AKA "The Simon Cowell Story."
4. Meryl whoop-de-fucking-doo Streep in some shit based on a crappy book.
5. Kate Winslet, "Little Children." Are they not even trying over there at the Academy?
Other Highlights:
An "American Idol" loser got nominated for Best Supporting Actress; A movie about dancing penguins got nominated for Best Animated Film; a film that was largely improvised was nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay; an honorary award is going to a man who used electric guitars to score westerns; Al Gore got nominated for an Oscar.
In Other News:
Members of the church's leadership recently called Tom Cruise the "Christ" of Scientology. Like Christ, Cruise has spread his beliefs across the land, has been unpopular with the majority religions and eventually will be nailed to a piece of wood in public, will descend into Hell and then will appear to his followers three days later in the form of ghostly visions. I am also coming to suspect that, like Jesus, Cruise is in fact just a figment of someone's imagination.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Pretty People, Ugly Souls
Romance Abounds
Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz have confirmed that I don't give a shit. It is rumored that Scarlett Johansson who really gives a flying fuck?
Hail Oprah
On an upcoming Oprah special, three Oscar winners will interview their favorite Oscar winners in a big, fat Hollywood circle jerk of fun. Julia Roberts chose to interview George Clooney, Nicole Kidman chose fellow Australian nutcase Russell Crowe and Jamie Foxx chose to interview Sidney Poitier. So let me get this straight: Roberts and Kidman chose to talk to a pair of Hollywood heartthrobs while Foxx chose to speak to a highly respected actor and a civil rights hero. There is some kind of painful disparity here that I just can't seem to put into words.
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Night at the Museum," which is about a dim witted security guard working in a museum in which the displays come to holy living fuck does this sound inane.
2. "The Pursuit of Happyness" which is the inspirational film with the spelling error in the title and a concept so heartwarming I just want to step on something small and defenseless.
3. "Children of Men." Apparently one of the best films of the year with a cool sci-fi concept that might actually get my ass over to the video store once it comes out on DVD (it takes a hell of a lot to get me to the theaters these days).
4. "Freedom Writers" Hilary Swank stars in another entry in an exhausting series of films about teachers who inspire troubled students to make something of their lives but generally inspire me to bore into my own skull with a power drill.
5. "Dreamgirls," which has garnered a lot of mass-produced hype and is looking at getting some awards this year despite the fact that the filmmakers decided to stick to the classic Motown tradition of prefabricated, factory created hits that tend to sound a lot alike over time.
6. "Happily N'Ever After," which is like the "Shrek" films, minus the humor, originality, entertainment value and irritating voice talent. Okay, so that last one is a positive, but it still doesn't make me want to see this piece of shit.
7. "Charlotte's Web," which is kind of creeping me the fuck out, the more I think about it.
8. "The Good Shepherd," which is about the CIA and directed by Robert De Niro and has Angelina Jolie (who makes me a little uncomfortable) and sounds kind of boring so I can see why it's a hit.
9. "Rocky Balboa," which has been pretty successful and has garnered some critical acclaim, which is making me start to think that I've stepped into Opposite World, where good is bad and bad is good.
10. "We Are Marshall," because we all know that Football + Tragedy = Overcoming Adversity = Inspirational Filmmaking = I Would Rather Pull Out My Own Toenails With A Rusty Pair of Pliers Than Go To See This.
Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz have confirmed that I don't give a shit. It is rumored that Scarlett Johansson who really gives a flying fuck?
Hail Oprah
On an upcoming Oprah special, three Oscar winners will interview their favorite Oscar winners in a big, fat Hollywood circle jerk of fun. Julia Roberts chose to interview George Clooney, Nicole Kidman chose fellow Australian nutcase Russell Crowe and Jamie Foxx chose to interview Sidney Poitier. So let me get this straight: Roberts and Kidman chose to talk to a pair of Hollywood heartthrobs while Foxx chose to speak to a highly respected actor and a civil rights hero. There is some kind of painful disparity here that I just can't seem to put into words.
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Night at the Museum," which is about a dim witted security guard working in a museum in which the displays come to holy living fuck does this sound inane.
2. "The Pursuit of Happyness" which is the inspirational film with the spelling error in the title and a concept so heartwarming I just want to step on something small and defenseless.
3. "Children of Men." Apparently one of the best films of the year with a cool sci-fi concept that might actually get my ass over to the video store once it comes out on DVD (it takes a hell of a lot to get me to the theaters these days).
4. "Freedom Writers" Hilary Swank stars in another entry in an exhausting series of films about teachers who inspire troubled students to make something of their lives but generally inspire me to bore into my own skull with a power drill.
5. "Dreamgirls," which has garnered a lot of mass-produced hype and is looking at getting some awards this year despite the fact that the filmmakers decided to stick to the classic Motown tradition of prefabricated, factory created hits that tend to sound a lot alike over time.
6. "Happily N'Ever After," which is like the "Shrek" films, minus the humor, originality, entertainment value and irritating voice talent. Okay, so that last one is a positive, but it still doesn't make me want to see this piece of shit.
7. "Charlotte's Web," which is kind of creeping me the fuck out, the more I think about it.
8. "The Good Shepherd," which is about the CIA and directed by Robert De Niro and has Angelina Jolie (who makes me a little uncomfortable) and sounds kind of boring so I can see why it's a hit.
9. "Rocky Balboa," which has been pretty successful and has garnered some critical acclaim, which is making me start to think that I've stepped into Opposite World, where good is bad and bad is good.
10. "We Are Marshall," because we all know that Football + Tragedy = Overcoming Adversity = Inspirational Filmmaking = I Would Rather Pull Out My Own Toenails With A Rusty Pair of Pliers Than Go To See This.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Total Mental Capacity of People Mentioned in This Post = nil
Dead Famous People
Gerald Ford, a former one-term, unelected U.S. president, recently died tragically at the tender age of 93. Doctors cited cause of death as being "he was really fucking old, what did you expect?" James Brown also passed into the netherworld this week, making the world that much less funky. By "less funky" we mean of course "containing one less drug abusing geriatric."
Crap Actor Buffet
Justin Timberlake apparently refused to take acting classes to prepare for his role in an upcoming film, "Alpha Dog," preferring to rely on lessons he received as a child. Half-forgotten tips from a decade ago and limited experience ought to put him right on level with co-stars Bruce Willis and Sharon Stone.
The End of an Era
The most popular Britney Spears fansite, WorldOfBritney.com, has closed down. The reason for the closure, according to the creators, is that Britney is "over," which is a little confusing to me as I've always thought that for something to be "over" it has to, you know, "begin."
Gerald Ford, a former one-term, unelected U.S. president, recently died tragically at the tender age of 93. Doctors cited cause of death as being "he was really fucking old, what did you expect?" James Brown also passed into the netherworld this week, making the world that much less funky. By "less funky" we mean of course "containing one less drug abusing geriatric."
Crap Actor Buffet
Justin Timberlake apparently refused to take acting classes to prepare for his role in an upcoming film, "Alpha Dog," preferring to rely on lessons he received as a child. Half-forgotten tips from a decade ago and limited experience ought to put him right on level with co-stars Bruce Willis and Sharon Stone.
The End of an Era
The most popular Britney Spears fansite, WorldOfBritney.com, has closed down. The reason for the closure, according to the creators, is that Britney is "over," which is a little confusing to me as I've always thought that for something to be "over" it has to, you know, "begin."
Friday, December 22, 2006
Celebrities Are Just So Awesome
Battlefield Earth Redux
Victoria Beckham has signed up for a role in a new film about Scientology that will be funded by Tom Cruise. The film, entitled "The Thetan," has reportedly been turned down by every major film studio. Ha? I'm sorry, but there is no joke or snide comment I can make about this story that will make it sound any more ridiculous than it already does. I mean it basically sounds like "The Passion of the Christ" without the built-in audience, it'll bomb something serious if it really does get released and will end up being nothing more than an artistic punch line for the rest of film history. If Tom Cruise weren't such a colossal douchbag, I'd almost feel sorry for him.
News Flash:
Britney Spears' vagina.
The Karma Strike Team Catches Up
So Judith Regan, the mastermind behind the "Maybe I Did Kill My Wife" O.J. Simpson shitfest of last month, was fired for some anti-Semitic remarks she apparently made. The obvious joke being that they needed an excuse to fire a soulless, immoral executive who is single handedly responsible for taking the publishing business to depths so abysmal they were starting to pound on the roof of Hell like a cranky upstairs neighbor.
Victoria Beckham has signed up for a role in a new film about Scientology that will be funded by Tom Cruise. The film, entitled "The Thetan," has reportedly been turned down by every major film studio. Ha? I'm sorry, but there is no joke or snide comment I can make about this story that will make it sound any more ridiculous than it already does. I mean it basically sounds like "The Passion of the Christ" without the built-in audience, it'll bomb something serious if it really does get released and will end up being nothing more than an artistic punch line for the rest of film history. If Tom Cruise weren't such a colossal douchbag, I'd almost feel sorry for him.
News Flash:
Britney Spears' vagina.
The Karma Strike Team Catches Up
So Judith Regan, the mastermind behind the "Maybe I Did Kill My Wife" O.J. Simpson shitfest of last month, was fired for some anti-Semitic remarks she apparently made. The obvious joke being that they needed an excuse to fire a soulless, immoral executive who is single handedly responsible for taking the publishing business to depths so abysmal they were starting to pound on the roof of Hell like a cranky upstairs neighbor.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Apocalypto," the new film from the drunken little anti-Semite who could. So Mel, maybe you can answer this for me, how do you say "I don't give a fuck" in Mayan?
2. "Happy Feet," which is about dancing...penguins. Dancing...penguins. Penguins...that dance. I swear to all merciful God there are not enough bell towers in the world.
3. "The Holiday," from the director of "Cookie Cutter Romantic Comedy in Which Jack Nicholson Tries to Bang Diane Keaton" and "Painfully Awful Romantic Comedy in Which Mel Gibson Tries to Bang Helen Hunt."
4. "Casino Royale." Bond is Back, and He's as Not Pierce Fucking Brosnan as Ever.
5. "Blood Diamond," an action film about an under-recognized, terrify aspect of the diamond industry that I don't really care all that much about. Somehow Leonardo DiCaprio just makes it impossible to take human suffering seriously. Especially with that accent.
6. "Déjà Vu." It stars Denzel Washington! It has a plot!
7. "Unaccompanied Minors," the film with the trailer that just sucks the soul right out of me.
8. "The Nativity Story," which tells the story of the birth of everyone's favorite fictional character, Jesus.
9. "Deck the Halls," which is about, I don't know, Christmas or something. Some stuff happens and it has Danny DeVito in it.
10. "The Santa Clause 3." Could you possibly think of a concept blander this film? It's like they found a way to convert spackle into a plot.
2. "Happy Feet," which is about dancing...penguins. Dancing...penguins. Penguins...that dance. I swear to all merciful God there are not enough bell towers in the world.
3. "The Holiday," from the director of "Cookie Cutter Romantic Comedy in Which Jack Nicholson Tries to Bang Diane Keaton" and "Painfully Awful Romantic Comedy in Which Mel Gibson Tries to Bang Helen Hunt."
4. "Casino Royale." Bond is Back, and He's as Not Pierce Fucking Brosnan as Ever.
5. "Blood Diamond," an action film about an under-recognized, terrify aspect of the diamond industry that I don't really care all that much about. Somehow Leonardo DiCaprio just makes it impossible to take human suffering seriously. Especially with that accent.
6. "Déjà Vu." It stars Denzel Washington! It has a plot!
7. "Unaccompanied Minors," the film with the trailer that just sucks the soul right out of me.
8. "The Nativity Story," which tells the story of the birth of everyone's favorite fictional character, Jesus.
9. "Deck the Halls," which is about, I don't know, Christmas or something. Some stuff happens and it has Danny DeVito in it.
10. "The Santa Clause 3." Could you possibly think of a concept blander this film? It's like they found a way to convert spackle into a plot.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Death, Magic and THAT Word
Guess the Slur and Win a $100
Former "Seinfeld" star Michael Richards has come under fire recently for making a racial slur during a stand-up routine in Los Angeles. The racial slur isn't nearly as astounding as the revelation that Michael Richards is still alive and people are paying to see him perform.
Dead Famous People
Director Robert Altman died recently at the age of 81 on Monday. Which sucks for him I guess. Also for his friends and family and cinema lovers worldwide, though when you think of it they all got the better end of the deal as they get to stay alive a little longer. It's good to keep these things in perspective. I guess I just have a little trouble feeling really bad when someone I didn't personally know dies, even if they made movies I loved. From highest to lowest, my death reaction hierarchy is as follows: Family, friends, pets, celebrities, fictional characters, anonymous Indonesian natural disaster victims.
Blainiacs
David Blaine is currently strapped to a gyroscope hanging over Times Square in New York City. WTF, dude? Can you go anywhere in Time Square these days without running into David Blaine doing some insane act? I think if he wanted to do something really astounding he should just give himself AIDS and then cure himself. That would impress me. None of this spinning around in mid-air shit. Or maybe that's the secret. Do you think? Have we tried strapping an AIDS victim to a gyroscope yet? Someone should look into that.
Former "Seinfeld" star Michael Richards has come under fire recently for making a racial slur during a stand-up routine in Los Angeles. The racial slur isn't nearly as astounding as the revelation that Michael Richards is still alive and people are paying to see him perform.
Dead Famous People
Director Robert Altman died recently at the age of 81 on Monday. Which sucks for him I guess. Also for his friends and family and cinema lovers worldwide, though when you think of it they all got the better end of the deal as they get to stay alive a little longer. It's good to keep these things in perspective. I guess I just have a little trouble feeling really bad when someone I didn't personally know dies, even if they made movies I loved. From highest to lowest, my death reaction hierarchy is as follows: Family, friends, pets, celebrities, fictional characters, anonymous Indonesian natural disaster victims.
Blainiacs
David Blaine is currently strapped to a gyroscope hanging over Times Square in New York City. WTF, dude? Can you go anywhere in Time Square these days without running into David Blaine doing some insane act? I think if he wanted to do something really astounding he should just give himself AIDS and then cure himself. That would impress me. None of this spinning around in mid-air shit. Or maybe that's the secret. Do you think? Have we tried strapping an AIDS victim to a gyroscope yet? Someone should look into that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
