OSCARS!!!!!!!!!

Gold Statue Time
The Academy Award Nomina..........sorry, blacked out there for a sec. Here are the nominees for the top awards:

Best Picture:

1. "The Queen," which like the royalty it depicts is elegant, classy, and something that I do not even give the slightest bit of a fuck about.

2. "Babel" which as I have stated is one of the two best films of this year I will never, not even at knifepoint have any compelling desire to see.

3. "The Departed." This is the other.

4. "Letters from Iwo Jima," which is this year prerequisite Eastwood film.

5. "Little Miss Sunshine." HOW THE FUCK DID THIS END UP THERE? I mean I heard it was good, but WTF?

Best Director:

1. Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, "Babel." I do not care about this director on a profound level.

2. Martin Scorsese, "The Departed." I lost money on him a couple years ago and now I'm just totally pissed at him.

3. Clint Eastwood, "Letters from Iwo Jima." Why do all of Eastwood's recent films just make me want to OD on sedatives and slip into a nice, relaxed coma?

4. Stephan Frears, "The Queen." Snarky_comment_not_found.

5. Paul Greengrass, "United 93." Prerequisite Bold Choice.

Best Actor:

1. Leonardo DiCaprio, "Blood Diamond." Whoops, puked a little.

2. Ryan Gosling, "Half Nelson." Teacher. Drug Habit. Inner City. He's a shoe-in.

3. Peter O'Toole, "Venus." Have you seen the poster for this? O'Toole looks like one of the living dead.

4. Will SmitAHHHHHHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!

5. Forest Whitaker, "The Last King of Scotland." He plays Idi Amin? Cool.

Best Actress:

1. Penelope Cruz, "Volver." Some shit with a ghost. I totally missed it.

2. Judi Dench, "Notes on a Scandal." Is there some clause in Dench's contract that she has to be nominated for an Oscar no matter what she stars in?

3. Helen Mirren, "The Queen." AKA "The Simon Cowell Story."

4. Meryl whoop-de-fucking-doo Streep in some shit based on a crappy book.

5. Kate Winslet, "Little Children." Are they not even trying over there at the Academy?

Other Highlights:
An "American Idol" loser got nominated for Best Supporting Actress; A movie about dancing penguins got nominated for Best Animated Film; a film that was largely improvised was nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay; an honorary award is going to a man who used electric guitars to score westerns; Al Gore got nominated for an Oscar.

In Other News:
Members of the church's leadership recently called Tom Cruise the "Christ" of Scientology. Like Christ, Cruise has spread his beliefs across the land, has been unpopular with the majority religions and eventually will be nailed to a piece of wood in public, will descend into Hell and then will appear to his followers three days later in the form of ghostly visions. I am also coming to suspect that, like Jesus, Cruise is in fact just a figment of someone's imagination.