Opening Friday:
"The Incredible Hulk." Let me put this sentiment in all-caps, just to make myself as clear and irritating as possible: THE ANG LEE FILM WAS NOT A BAD MOVIE. It was an unsuccessful movie, it certainly wasn't a great movie, it could have used a little trimming (cut out Lee's sub-Freudian bullshit and this would damn well be a classic), but overall it was a solid piece of work. People complained that there wasn't enough action (too much subtext going on, which might not have been the best idea in when telling the story of a character best known for being green and smashing things, at least from a marketing standpoint). It wasn't the kind of movie you build a franchise out of and franchises are all Marvel is interested in, so now we're being treated to this odious filth. It's going to suck, we all know its going to suck, and because it's still going to do 10 times the business of the first film we'll be treated to at least two, maybe three sequels in the same style. The first one was a good film made at the wrong time with bad marketing. This film will be a bad film made at the right time with, well, bad marketing (the previews all make it look like shit).
"The Happening." M. Night Shyamalan should not be allowed to write his own scripts. That's really where he seems to fail as a director. "The Sixth Sense" was a solid movie, but it was one of those one-time brilliant ideas that creative people sometimes get (doesn't take a genius to come up with a clever idea and work backwards to build the plot). His need to top it has led to a string of poorly-plotted, increasingly lunatic movies that indulge his cinematic messiah-complex. "Unbreakable" was a non-entity, "Signs" was brilliant style wrapped around a trite plot, "The Village" was... "The Village" and "Lady in the Water" explored possibilities in the world of suck of which others had not yet dared dream. So expectations for "The Happening" are somewhat, shall we say, "tempered in the fact that most of his films are shit." He has the talent to make great movies, but he also has the ego to think he can tell interesting stories. Even Hitchcock knew his limits and had others write his stories, dude, and he also made his appearances short and subtle in his movies. Let it go.
Top Ten at the Box Office:
1. "Kung-Fu Panda." Considering that the film is about a wise-cracking panda that knows kung-fu, do you really think that saturation marketing is really necessary? Just a quick note to the press, "this movie is about a wise-cracking panda that knows kung-fu" would have been sufficient to get the point across. If the marketing for your movie makes "Bee Movie" look dignified, then you know you've overdone it.
2. "You Don't Mess with the Zohan." This movie might have been good if it had stared Sacha Baron Cohen or Stephen Chow, or anyone with real comedic talent. Even a better director would have added a little more polish to this turd. Instead we get another in a long string of goofy, pointless Adam Sandler comedies that involve a silly voice and a plot pulled from a hat. Complacent, meaningless time-fillers with all the creativity of nailing two pieces of wood together.
3. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Whatever." If this had been made ten years ago and with a script that attempted to make some sense, it might have been a solid film. Instead it looks just like the kind of movie that has gone through the bowels of pre-production hell and come out through the studio-system anus into the toilet bowels that are our multiplex theaters. It has a too many scripts fighting for dominance and too many action sequences that don't have any real meaning or influence. Fun enough, but overall an unmemorable addition to a series that is mostly unmemorable.
4. "Sex and the City." This is sci-fi geekery for women. Its absurd, poorly plotted and doesn't make any sense unless you have some obscure, esoteric knowledge. It's also sexist and focused solely on the lives of elite white people. Just like any number of countless science fiction franchises. Guys, if you ever hear a woman complain about "Star Trek," just point to this.
5. "The Strangers." The preview for this film is the best horror movie released this year. I'll probably need to do some personal confirmation on whether or not this is actually worthwhile, as film critics as a group seem to really suck at reviewing horror movies.
6. "Iron Man." Again with this.
7. "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian." If you're going to adapt the works of a Christian apologist, at least pick something by someone interesting. May I recommend G.K. Chesterton?
8. "What Happens in Vegas..." Ashton Kutcher is going around touting the merits of the current fad celebrity religion of the week, Kabbalism, thus cementing his dipshit status. Madonna and Britany Spears have also gone along with this one at some point or other, so I guess its a religion that caters to the shallow and vapid. Much like this film.
9. "Baby Mama." Idiotic, heartless, makes-me-weep-for-the-future-of-my-generation romantic comedy trifecta in play.
10. "Made of Honor." Trifecta complete.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." Stuff blows up, fisticuffs are exchanged, none of it makes any sense and it didn't really need to be made. This is the second film in as many summers that has tried to play Shia LaBeouf as an action star, which is about as convincing as Keanu Reeves playing a professor of astrophysics. The joke there being that Keanu Reeves talks like someone recovering from head injury and Shia LaBeouf has about as much testosterone as a Girl Scout bake sale.
2. "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian." I suppose the moral lesson of these films is that when life is difficult and things are looking their worst, it's best to escape into a magical world of fantasy where you are revered and respected for no reason other than that an arbitrary prophecy said you were special. I can see why it works so well as a religious parable.
3. "Iron Man." "Do not worry, America. Your corporate masters love you and are capable of learning moral lessons from their errors. They will protect and serve you. Go back to sleep, America. You have nothing to worry about."
4. "What Happens in Vegas..." This is the kind of movie that makes God cry.
5. "Speed Racer." Why pay for a ticket when I can just drive my car around really fast while looking right into a strobe light?
6. "Baby Mama." Whenever I see a plot summary that describes one of the main characters as "career-driven," I know I'm in for some goofy hijinks involving the differences between a stuffy office drone and a free-spirited rebel. You know, the kinds of conflicts that would occur if everyone was boiled down to the most basic of demographically confined stereotypes. Where someone who has a good job they care about learns to enjoy life from someone who, in reality, probably doesn't have health insurance.
7. "Made of Honor." It's not a movie, it's a bad dream I had after a night spent mixing Nyquil with my Heinekins.
8. "Forgetting Sara Marshall." When was the last time anyone saw a comedy that had a plot? Or have I just been remembering things that never happened again?
9. "Harold & Kumar Escape From Stupid Fucking White People While Smoking Weed. Weed Weed Weed." If these two aren't careful, they'll end up being the next Cheech & Chong. Which gives them maybe a decade of viable career status and about a half dozen shitty movies to make.
10. "The Visitor." A nuanced drama about love, life and friendship. What the fuck is this doing here?
2. "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian." I suppose the moral lesson of these films is that when life is difficult and things are looking their worst, it's best to escape into a magical world of fantasy where you are revered and respected for no reason other than that an arbitrary prophecy said you were special. I can see why it works so well as a religious parable.
3. "Iron Man." "Do not worry, America. Your corporate masters love you and are capable of learning moral lessons from their errors. They will protect and serve you. Go back to sleep, America. You have nothing to worry about."
4. "What Happens in Vegas..." This is the kind of movie that makes God cry.
5. "Speed Racer." Why pay for a ticket when I can just drive my car around really fast while looking right into a strobe light?
6. "Baby Mama." Whenever I see a plot summary that describes one of the main characters as "career-driven," I know I'm in for some goofy hijinks involving the differences between a stuffy office drone and a free-spirited rebel. You know, the kinds of conflicts that would occur if everyone was boiled down to the most basic of demographically confined stereotypes. Where someone who has a good job they care about learns to enjoy life from someone who, in reality, probably doesn't have health insurance.
7. "Made of Honor." It's not a movie, it's a bad dream I had after a night spent mixing Nyquil with my Heinekins.
8. "Forgetting Sara Marshall." When was the last time anyone saw a comedy that had a plot? Or have I just been remembering things that never happened again?
9. "Harold & Kumar Escape From Stupid Fucking White People While Smoking Weed. Weed Weed Weed." If these two aren't careful, they'll end up being the next Cheech & Chong. Which gives them maybe a decade of viable career status and about a half dozen shitty movies to make.
10. "The Visitor." A nuanced drama about love, life and friendship. What the fuck is this doing here?
Thursday, May 22, 2008
So What Are You Going To Do This Weekend?
Here are some of the films opening tomorrow:
1. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." Technically it already opened, but fuck you Hollywood, I ain't making another fucking list. The early reviews have ranged from "blah" to "decent," which is about what everyone expected, if they were to search their souls and be honest with themselves. There was no way this would match the original unless they decided to do some sort of series revamp with a new director and cast, which won't happen for another decade or so and might actually be something to look forward to. Until then we get a useless add-on to a series with one good entry and two decent-in-a-I-would-watch-them-on-cable-but-wouldn't-pay-to-see-them sequels. I'll probably see it, as the pickings for stupid entertainment seem surprisingly slim this summer.
2. "War, Inc." Just what the world needed: Two hours of ham-fisted political satire from liberals with million dollar bankrolls and no interesting opinions. Unless you are supporting anarchist revolt, your weak-kneed left-wing fun-poking ain't of any interest to me. Basically what I'm trying to say is, fuck you John Cusack. Remember back when a political satire could end with the human race exterminating itself? Now we get Dan Aykroyd doing a lame Dick Cheney impression.
3. "Postal." I'll give it to Uwe Boll. Dude found himself a niche and rooted himself in it like a bad scabies infection. I can't even really get up the gumption to hate him anymore. He's just a fact of life, like diarrhea, or syphilis. You can't hate the virus for making you sick, it's just what it does. Doesn't mean you have to like being sick though.
1. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." Technically it already opened, but fuck you Hollywood, I ain't making another fucking list. The early reviews have ranged from "blah" to "decent," which is about what everyone expected, if they were to search their souls and be honest with themselves. There was no way this would match the original unless they decided to do some sort of series revamp with a new director and cast, which won't happen for another decade or so and might actually be something to look forward to. Until then we get a useless add-on to a series with one good entry and two decent-in-a-I-would-watch-them-on-cable-but-wouldn't-pay-to-see-them sequels. I'll probably see it, as the pickings for stupid entertainment seem surprisingly slim this summer.
2. "War, Inc." Just what the world needed: Two hours of ham-fisted political satire from liberals with million dollar bankrolls and no interesting opinions. Unless you are supporting anarchist revolt, your weak-kneed left-wing fun-poking ain't of any interest to me. Basically what I'm trying to say is, fuck you John Cusack. Remember back when a political satire could end with the human race exterminating itself? Now we get Dan Aykroyd doing a lame Dick Cheney impression.
3. "Postal." I'll give it to Uwe Boll. Dude found himself a niche and rooted himself in it like a bad scabies infection. I can't even really get up the gumption to hate him anymore. He's just a fact of life, like diarrhea, or syphilis. You can't hate the virus for making you sick, it's just what it does. Doesn't mean you have to like being sick though.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Lost Loves, Gun Control and the Sweet Sound of Failure
Zero to Shit in One Weekend
"Speed Racer," which cost $300 million to produce and market, pulled in barely $20 million in the domestic box office this weekend. Almost makes you feel good to be an American for once, watching as we come together to say "no" to an unmitigated piece of crappy film making. Though just a quick note for Warner Bros.: The next time you feel the need to waste $300 million dollars with no prospect of earning a return on your investment, why not just give to poor people so they can buy food?
Celebrities Always Marry Each Other
Kate Hudson has denied rumors that she is engaged to Owen Wilson, because as we all know not even Jesus is capable of loving Owen Wilson.
How the Mighty Have Fallen
Dennis Farina was arrested recently for carrying a concealed handgun in the Los Angeles International Airport. I like to think that anyone who has recently spent a significant amount of time around Ashton Kutcher will start carrying a weapon capable of scattering another human being's head all over a wall, but I doubt the prosecutors will see it that way.
Top Ten at the Box Office:
1. "Iron Man." Why do women seem to love this movie? Nothing against women or the movie, but I'm just curious as to why every woman I have spoken to about it thinks it's great, despite being a loud, dumb action movie.
2. "What Happens in Vegas..." This movie is God giving you the middle finger.
3. "Speed Racer." A heaping serving of shitiness in a giant bowl of fucking stupid. As mentioned above, despite its place on this list it's actually bombing on a spectacular level.
4. "Made of Honor." A dime-store Hugh Grant in a rom-com plot that charts new territory in the land of retarded. I can see why it's doing so well.
5. "Baby Mama." A neo-"Odd Couple" story about a career-driven woman and some goofy nitwit she hires to be surrogate mother to her baby. Hijinks will no doubt ensue. Stars Tina Fey, the SNL alum voted "most humpable" by a majority of my male friends.
6. "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." I hear that there might be jokes about penises in this one.
7. "Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay." It's like they took my college dorm-mates and made a goofy stoner comedy about them. Illegal drug use and high crimes against humanity have never been so funny.
8. "The Forbidden Kingdom." Do you remember when martial arts movies had martial arts in them? Do you remember when you could hear that a movie had Jackie Chan or Jet Li in it and think that it might be entertaining in some way?
9. "Nim's Island." Top scientists have concluded that I do not give a shit about this movie.
10. "Prom Night." So where are the horror movies for grown-ups? Any of those coming out any time soon?
"Speed Racer," which cost $300 million to produce and market, pulled in barely $20 million in the domestic box office this weekend. Almost makes you feel good to be an American for once, watching as we come together to say "no" to an unmitigated piece of crappy film making. Though just a quick note for Warner Bros.: The next time you feel the need to waste $300 million dollars with no prospect of earning a return on your investment, why not just give to poor people so they can buy food?
Celebrities Always Marry Each Other
Kate Hudson has denied rumors that she is engaged to Owen Wilson, because as we all know not even Jesus is capable of loving Owen Wilson.
How the Mighty Have Fallen
Dennis Farina was arrested recently for carrying a concealed handgun in the Los Angeles International Airport. I like to think that anyone who has recently spent a significant amount of time around Ashton Kutcher will start carrying a weapon capable of scattering another human being's head all over a wall, but I doubt the prosecutors will see it that way.
Top Ten at the Box Office:
1. "Iron Man." Why do women seem to love this movie? Nothing against women or the movie, but I'm just curious as to why every woman I have spoken to about it thinks it's great, despite being a loud, dumb action movie.
2. "What Happens in Vegas..." This movie is God giving you the middle finger.
3. "Speed Racer." A heaping serving of shitiness in a giant bowl of fucking stupid. As mentioned above, despite its place on this list it's actually bombing on a spectacular level.
4. "Made of Honor." A dime-store Hugh Grant in a rom-com plot that charts new territory in the land of retarded. I can see why it's doing so well.
5. "Baby Mama." A neo-"Odd Couple" story about a career-driven woman and some goofy nitwit she hires to be surrogate mother to her baby. Hijinks will no doubt ensue. Stars Tina Fey, the SNL alum voted "most humpable" by a majority of my male friends.
6. "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." I hear that there might be jokes about penises in this one.
7. "Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay." It's like they took my college dorm-mates and made a goofy stoner comedy about them. Illegal drug use and high crimes against humanity have never been so funny.
8. "The Forbidden Kingdom." Do you remember when martial arts movies had martial arts in them? Do you remember when you could hear that a movie had Jackie Chan or Jet Li in it and think that it might be entertaining in some way?
9. "Nim's Island." Top scientists have concluded that I do not give a shit about this movie.
10. "Prom Night." So where are the horror movies for grown-ups? Any of those coming out any time soon?
Monday, May 5, 2008
Sizzlin' Summer Sinema
What with a film about a heroic international arms dealer protecting the world topping off the box office, it seems the summer movie season is now officially upon us. Let's take a look at a few of the upcoming offerings:
May 30: "Sex in the City: The Fucking Movie" opens up, bringing the tale of four women who have more sex in a week than Jenna Jameson has had in a lifetime to the big screen. Change the gender and you have "The Scott Baio Story," so I don't really get the appeal.
June 6: "Kung Fu Panda" brings the trend of CGI talking animals to dizzying new heights of absurdity, with a marketing campaign that does to media what the Japanese did to Nanking. Also opening is a new Adam Sandler comedy about a Mossad agent who follows his dreams of becoming a hairdresser, but eventually returns to his true calling, e.g. murdering Arab people.
June 13th: The latest from M. Night Shyamalan, "The Happening," opens up. The twist in this one is that Shyamalan has directed one good movie and a has shown himself to be a creatively bankrupt hack in every other project. Also opening is "The Incredible Hulk," the "sequel" to the underrated box-office bomb, "Hulk." Apparently to make sure the film will be a success, the studio has set everything up to make sure it can never possibly be good in any way whatsoever.
June 20: "Get Smart" brings a mostly forgotten television comedy to the big screen for no real reason other than it hasn't been done yet. Also opening is the "The Love Guru," a new Mike Meyers comedy that from its description sounds terrible and from the previews looks to be a crime against humanity.
June 27: "Wall*E," the latest from Pixar, promises to revolutionize modern CGI filmmaking by bringing a new and exciting concept to the screen: No celebrity voice talent. Also opening is "Wanted," some stupid bullshit about a kid who follows in his dad's footsteps and becomes an assassin, because apparently learned talents are hereditary.
July 4: "Hancock," which promises to ignite the summer by bringing the idea of a "super hero" to the big screen.
July 11: "Hellboy II: The Golden Army," which promises to ignite the summer by bringing the idea of a "super hero" to the big screen. Also opening is "Meet Dave," which is about how Eddie Murphy is controlled by a crew of small aliens living in his head. A terse, thrilling documentary.
July 18: Batman returns in "The Dark Knight," which objective observes are referring to as "the greatest thing in the history of anything." Also opening is "Mamma Mia!," which stars Meryl Streep in a non-cancer victim role as a woman who lives on an island where people suddenly burst into ABBA songs, possibly due to an outbreak of mad cow disease.
July 25: "Shitty Will Ferrell Comedy, Part 8" opens, along with a belated, pointless and idiotic new "X-Files" movie. Just go see the new Batman movie again.
August 1: "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor" goes on to prove that you can't kill a moneymaking franchise no matter how mind-numbingly shitty it gets. Also opening is "Swing Vote," which stars Kevin Costner as a man whose vote will decide a presidential election. The story takes place in a fantasy world where Kevin Costner actually matters. Also also opening is "The Midnight Meat Train." I don't know what this film is about, but after reading the title I think I can just picture the whole movie in my head, so no need to bother seeing it.
May 30: "Sex in the City: The Fucking Movie" opens up, bringing the tale of four women who have more sex in a week than Jenna Jameson has had in a lifetime to the big screen. Change the gender and you have "The Scott Baio Story," so I don't really get the appeal.
June 6: "Kung Fu Panda" brings the trend of CGI talking animals to dizzying new heights of absurdity, with a marketing campaign that does to media what the Japanese did to Nanking. Also opening is a new Adam Sandler comedy about a Mossad agent who follows his dreams of becoming a hairdresser, but eventually returns to his true calling, e.g. murdering Arab people.
June 13th: The latest from M. Night Shyamalan, "The Happening," opens up. The twist in this one is that Shyamalan has directed one good movie and a has shown himself to be a creatively bankrupt hack in every other project. Also opening is "The Incredible Hulk," the "sequel" to the underrated box-office bomb, "Hulk." Apparently to make sure the film will be a success, the studio has set everything up to make sure it can never possibly be good in any way whatsoever.
June 20: "Get Smart" brings a mostly forgotten television comedy to the big screen for no real reason other than it hasn't been done yet. Also opening is the "The Love Guru," a new Mike Meyers comedy that from its description sounds terrible and from the previews looks to be a crime against humanity.
June 27: "Wall*E," the latest from Pixar, promises to revolutionize modern CGI filmmaking by bringing a new and exciting concept to the screen: No celebrity voice talent. Also opening is "Wanted," some stupid bullshit about a kid who follows in his dad's footsteps and becomes an assassin, because apparently learned talents are hereditary.
July 4: "Hancock," which promises to ignite the summer by bringing the idea of a "super hero" to the big screen.
July 11: "Hellboy II: The Golden Army," which promises to ignite the summer by bringing the idea of a "super hero" to the big screen. Also opening is "Meet Dave," which is about how Eddie Murphy is controlled by a crew of small aliens living in his head. A terse, thrilling documentary.
July 18: Batman returns in "The Dark Knight," which objective observes are referring to as "the greatest thing in the history of anything." Also opening is "Mamma Mia!," which stars Meryl Streep in a non-cancer victim role as a woman who lives on an island where people suddenly burst into ABBA songs, possibly due to an outbreak of mad cow disease.
July 25: "Shitty Will Ferrell Comedy, Part 8" opens, along with a belated, pointless and idiotic new "X-Files" movie. Just go see the new Batman movie again.
August 1: "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor" goes on to prove that you can't kill a moneymaking franchise no matter how mind-numbingly shitty it gets. Also opening is "Swing Vote," which stars Kevin Costner as a man whose vote will decide a presidential election. The story takes place in a fantasy world where Kevin Costner actually matters. Also also opening is "The Midnight Meat Train." I don't know what this film is about, but after reading the title I think I can just picture the whole movie in my head, so no need to bother seeing it.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "The Forbidden Kingdom." "Hey, I know what would make this martial arts-fantasy film better! Let's shove an awkward white teenager in there! Who wants to see a whole movie full of Asians anyway?"
2. "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." I haven't seen it. I probably won't, despite the stream of accolades. The plot is the height of rom-com inanity and I think Judd Apatow has passed the point of being decent and fallen off the deep end of overrated. That he's only producing rather than writing or directing means the film is banking on his name rather than his talent.
3. "Prom Night." Did we all read about the same film? Because the one I read about and decided to avoid as if it were a HIV-infected pit bull looked like a total piece-of-shit movie no one with an active frontal lobe could ever possibly enjoy.
4. "88 Minutes." Al Pacino continues to cash out the bales of artistic goodwill he has earned by starring in something that feels like fatal accident at the cliche foundry.
5. "Nim's Island." Enjoy that sunny fantasy world, kiddos. Dark days are coming fast. You will look back at this film with fondness while you write self-absorbed poetry and cut yourselves just so you can watch the wound heal and feel as if something has been accomplished.
6. "21." Holy bloody hell, is this still here? Is this really the best thing everyone could think to watch?
7. "Street Kings." Years of pre-production purgatory, three directors attached and a major scripting overhaul led to this cinematic abortion in which Keanu Reeves speaks dialog that's ludicrous even by his non-existent standards. Hugh Laurie has a role, so I'll cut it a little slack. Not enough to see it, however.
8. "Horton Hears a Who The Fuck Actually Likes This Movie?"
9. "Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed." If you haven't heard of this, you aren't alone and are probably better off. This is that anti-science doc that has caused such a ruckus on the internet because of its claims that the theory of evolution led to the Holocaust. I suppose this is true, in much the same way as the laws of aerodynamics led to the September 11 terrorist attacks. The film is an unmitigated crock of shit (in part for its assumption that anyone wants to listen to Ben Stein talk for more than half a second at a time before punching him right in the fucking mouth), and audiences have responded with a colossal "meh." Despite the film's place on this list and the fact that it is now one of the highest grossing political documentaries of all time, it still only earned just over $3 million this weekend, about $500,000 short of its production budget. That isn't counting the many millions spent on marketing the film and the many more millions that will be spent on its legal defense (they kinda forgot to get the rights to a John Lennon song they used in the movie, and nobody is more lawsuit happy in the music industry than the lawyers connected to former Beatles. A song by the Killers and a number of the video clips shown in the film were also used without permission). Since few films do better in their second week than they did in their first, this is looking to be a turd in the water.
10. "Leatherheads." Earned less than the above movie despite only being in its third weekend and starring George Clooney.
2. "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." I haven't seen it. I probably won't, despite the stream of accolades. The plot is the height of rom-com inanity and I think Judd Apatow has passed the point of being decent and fallen off the deep end of overrated. That he's only producing rather than writing or directing means the film is banking on his name rather than his talent.
3. "Prom Night." Did we all read about the same film? Because the one I read about and decided to avoid as if it were a HIV-infected pit bull looked like a total piece-of-shit movie no one with an active frontal lobe could ever possibly enjoy.
4. "88 Minutes." Al Pacino continues to cash out the bales of artistic goodwill he has earned by starring in something that feels like fatal accident at the cliche foundry.
5. "Nim's Island." Enjoy that sunny fantasy world, kiddos. Dark days are coming fast. You will look back at this film with fondness while you write self-absorbed poetry and cut yourselves just so you can watch the wound heal and feel as if something has been accomplished.
6. "21." Holy bloody hell, is this still here? Is this really the best thing everyone could think to watch?
7. "Street Kings." Years of pre-production purgatory, three directors attached and a major scripting overhaul led to this cinematic abortion in which Keanu Reeves speaks dialog that's ludicrous even by his non-existent standards. Hugh Laurie has a role, so I'll cut it a little slack. Not enough to see it, however.
8. "Horton Hears a Who The Fuck Actually Likes This Movie?"
9. "Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed." If you haven't heard of this, you aren't alone and are probably better off. This is that anti-science doc that has caused such a ruckus on the internet because of its claims that the theory of evolution led to the Holocaust. I suppose this is true, in much the same way as the laws of aerodynamics led to the September 11 terrorist attacks. The film is an unmitigated crock of shit (in part for its assumption that anyone wants to listen to Ben Stein talk for more than half a second at a time before punching him right in the fucking mouth), and audiences have responded with a colossal "meh." Despite the film's place on this list and the fact that it is now one of the highest grossing political documentaries of all time, it still only earned just over $3 million this weekend, about $500,000 short of its production budget. That isn't counting the many millions spent on marketing the film and the many more millions that will be spent on its legal defense (they kinda forgot to get the rights to a John Lennon song they used in the movie, and nobody is more lawsuit happy in the music industry than the lawyers connected to former Beatles. A song by the Killers and a number of the video clips shown in the film were also used without permission). Since few films do better in their second week than they did in their first, this is looking to be a turd in the water.
10. "Leatherheads." Earned less than the above movie despite only being in its third weekend and starring George Clooney.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Coming Soon
Here's a look at some of the films opening up over the next few weeks:
April 25 brings us "Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay." I think I speak for everyone in the entire world when I say: Where the fuck did this come from? I'm all for mocking the plight of the forgotten and the tortured while simultaneously making goofy digs at those in power, but why have it star the two silly bastards from a movie that didn't really need a sequel? At least it has the decency to look funny.
On May 2 we get the unbridled coolness of "Iron Man," the story of a drunken billionaire who saves the world. Also opening is "Made of Honor," in which Patrick Dempsey plays an insufferable prick who ends up with the woman of his dreams. Basically a gender-switch "27 Dresses." The director is best known for "Leonard Part 6" and "City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold." Keep that in mind when this rakes in tens of millions of dollars.
The summer movie season really kicks off with "Speed Racer" on May 9. The Wachowski Brothers will undoubtedly employ their ability to make something that looks interesting without making a bit of fucking sense. Also opening is a film starring human genital wart Ashton Kutcher, who looks like a total douchbag even in the poster.
Finally, May 16 brings us "Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian." Trendy fantasy action mixed with a Christian parable and with Lewis's anti-Islam portrayals watered down. I'm really looking forward to when the post-"Lord of the Rings" film cycle comes to an end and we can move on to some other grating, overblown trend.
April 25 brings us "Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay." I think I speak for everyone in the entire world when I say: Where the fuck did this come from? I'm all for mocking the plight of the forgotten and the tortured while simultaneously making goofy digs at those in power, but why have it star the two silly bastards from a movie that didn't really need a sequel? At least it has the decency to look funny.
On May 2 we get the unbridled coolness of "Iron Man," the story of a drunken billionaire who saves the world. Also opening is "Made of Honor," in which Patrick Dempsey plays an insufferable prick who ends up with the woman of his dreams. Basically a gender-switch "27 Dresses." The director is best known for "Leonard Part 6" and "City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold." Keep that in mind when this rakes in tens of millions of dollars.
The summer movie season really kicks off with "Speed Racer" on May 9. The Wachowski Brothers will undoubtedly employ their ability to make something that looks interesting without making a bit of fucking sense. Also opening is a film starring human genital wart Ashton Kutcher, who looks like a total douchbag even in the poster.
Finally, May 16 brings us "Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian." Trendy fantasy action mixed with a Christian parable and with Lewis's anti-Islam portrayals watered down. I'm really looking forward to when the post-"Lord of the Rings" film cycle comes to an end and we can move on to some other grating, overblown trend.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Murder, Mayhem and Celluloid
They Train You About This Before You Start Work
Lawanda Jackson, a hospital employee at the UCLA Medical Center who was caught accessing the records of over 60 celebrities, insists that she had no intention of selling off the information and was only "just being nosy." By "being nosy" she of course means "violating a federal law." At that point it actually kind of stops being "nosy" and starts being "a criminal offense that you know perfectly well will get you fired."
The Great Depression Produced Great Movies
A couple of film projects have fallen apart due to financing issues reportedly related to the current recession, include a new Oliver Stone project and a Tim Robbins-directed feature. Go, Recession, Go! Let's see if we can keep Michael Moore from making another film!
Current Top Ten at the Box Office
1. "21." Still fucking at it with this, eh? I'll once again go out on a limb here and say that no movie ever made about gambling has been better than mediocre.
2. "Nim's Island." I read the description of this and went, "Huh?" Springtime family fun about some people and some things and fuck it I'll never see it.
3. "Leatherheads." The only really positive thing I can think to say about this film is that there could be worse movies on this list.
4. "Horton Hears a Who!" I rest my case. Dr. Seuss is probably spinning so fast in his grave at this point that he could be used as an electric turbine.
5. "The Ruins." Sounded awesome, but the previews provoked nothing more than a thundering "'k" within me. Withholding judgment for the time being.
6. "Superhero Movie." I swear by all merciful mother of fuck I hate these fucking spoof movies and by extension anyone who is involved in them or willingly pays to see them. You will all rot in a vast seething hell of your own creation.
7. "Meet the Browns." Is it too much to ask of Tyler Perry that he try to make a movie that's good?
8. "Drillbit Taylor." Did I miss something here? I mean, this movie sucks, right? I have not seen any indication that it's funny, have heard nothing but poor reviews about it from friends and critics alike and yet there it sits, squatting on this list like a dead cat in my chili.
9. "Shutter." So...much...pain.
10. "10,000 B.C." Yikes. You know, I used to get depressed that movies like this always seem to become popular. I harked back to a better time when people could see quality films on a regular basis and good movies earned money from positive word-of-mouth while bad films were buried and forgotten. Then you know what I realized? There was no such time. It has always been shit. We have always supported the basest, most anti-intellectual, marketing-focused drivel imaginable and we only imagine it was ever better because film history has been written by appreciators who praise the quality works while ignoring the shit. But in truth it has always been a pretty steady diet of shit. Now I don't get depressed anymore when I see movies such as this making a fortune. I just polish my rifle, adjust my scope and wait for the hand of God to guide me.
Lawanda Jackson, a hospital employee at the UCLA Medical Center who was caught accessing the records of over 60 celebrities, insists that she had no intention of selling off the information and was only "just being nosy." By "being nosy" she of course means "violating a federal law." At that point it actually kind of stops being "nosy" and starts being "a criminal offense that you know perfectly well will get you fired."
The Great Depression Produced Great Movies
A couple of film projects have fallen apart due to financing issues reportedly related to the current recession, include a new Oliver Stone project and a Tim Robbins-directed feature. Go, Recession, Go! Let's see if we can keep Michael Moore from making another film!
Current Top Ten at the Box Office
1. "21." Still fucking at it with this, eh? I'll once again go out on a limb here and say that no movie ever made about gambling has been better than mediocre.
2. "Nim's Island." I read the description of this and went, "Huh?" Springtime family fun about some people and some things and fuck it I'll never see it.
3. "Leatherheads." The only really positive thing I can think to say about this film is that there could be worse movies on this list.
4. "Horton Hears a Who!" I rest my case. Dr. Seuss is probably spinning so fast in his grave at this point that he could be used as an electric turbine.
5. "The Ruins." Sounded awesome, but the previews provoked nothing more than a thundering "'k" within me. Withholding judgment for the time being.
6. "Superhero Movie." I swear by all merciful mother of fuck I hate these fucking spoof movies and by extension anyone who is involved in them or willingly pays to see them. You will all rot in a vast seething hell of your own creation.
7. "Meet the Browns." Is it too much to ask of Tyler Perry that he try to make a movie that's good?
8. "Drillbit Taylor." Did I miss something here? I mean, this movie sucks, right? I have not seen any indication that it's funny, have heard nothing but poor reviews about it from friends and critics alike and yet there it sits, squatting on this list like a dead cat in my chili.
9. "Shutter." So...much...pain.
10. "10,000 B.C." Yikes. You know, I used to get depressed that movies like this always seem to become popular. I harked back to a better time when people could see quality films on a regular basis and good movies earned money from positive word-of-mouth while bad films were buried and forgotten. Then you know what I realized? There was no such time. It has always been shit. We have always supported the basest, most anti-intellectual, marketing-focused drivel imaginable and we only imagine it was ever better because film history has been written by appreciators who praise the quality works while ignoring the shit. But in truth it has always been a pretty steady diet of shit. Now I don't get depressed anymore when I see movies such as this making a fortune. I just polish my rifle, adjust my scope and wait for the hand of God to guide me.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Horton Hears a Who Gives a Shit!" Jesus Fucking Christ on an Fucking Pogo Stick, is this really the best we can do, America? Show some fucking self-respect for once.
2. "Meet the Browns." Tyler Perry indulges in his transvestitism again and pulls out another winner. Perry seems to have found the key to success in Hollywood: Find a formula that makes money and then plow it into the god damned Earth. I wonder why more people haven't tried this scheme? Ah, that's right. They have. And that's why as a culture we are being buried in a titanic mound of shit spewing forth from every available medium.
3. "Shutter." Creepy dead people in photos. Stars a "Grey's Anatomy" reject and an actress from a Michael Bay movie. Why not just spend the $8 bucks on some nails and a hammer with which to pound on your own or someone else's genitalia? Either way, it's much more entertaining, and you will have saved an hour and a half.
4. "Drillbit Taylor." Owen Wilson plays a con artist who exploits some socially inept teenagers for his own personal gain and finds love along the way. You know, I really do want to like movies. I always hope that each movie that comes out will be worthwhile and entertaining. And then movies such as "Drillbit Taylor" come out and a part of me dies inside like a cold, shivering child at the hands of a homicidal pedophile.
5. "10,000 B.C." Roland Emmerich deserves to have his cock rubbed with a nail file until there is nothing left of it. He is a blight on our world, creating distracting images that keep us from developing as a culture and attaining a state of true fulfillment. If you see any of his movies willingly, your soul will be poisoned forever and we won't let you on the spaceship when the rest of us go to explore the Universe.
6. "Never Back Down." Cage fighting and high school drama combined with "Karate Kid" to make some sort of uber-retardo plot about something that no one with an IQ higher than Econoline Van full of tweekers will ever care about.
7. "College Road Trip." I have this frightening vision sometimes that movies such as this are not actually written by anyone or approved by anyone. They just sort of enter development and are produced without anyone really knowing why, the product of a vast unseen evil that hides with the bureaucracy of major movie studios.
8. "The Bank Job." I'm probably going to go see this, if for no other reason than that it is the only movie on this list that does not look like a complete and utter piece of shit.
9. "Vantage Point." Stuff happens. It's confusing for awhile and then it starts to make a little bit of sense and then it ends. There, summed up the movie for you and I haven't even seen it.
10. "Under the Same Moon." Illegal immigrants are people too. They have obvious, saccharine family dramas made about them just like the rest of us.
2. "Meet the Browns." Tyler Perry indulges in his transvestitism again and pulls out another winner. Perry seems to have found the key to success in Hollywood: Find a formula that makes money and then plow it into the god damned Earth. I wonder why more people haven't tried this scheme? Ah, that's right. They have. And that's why as a culture we are being buried in a titanic mound of shit spewing forth from every available medium.
3. "Shutter." Creepy dead people in photos. Stars a "Grey's Anatomy" reject and an actress from a Michael Bay movie. Why not just spend the $8 bucks on some nails and a hammer with which to pound on your own or someone else's genitalia? Either way, it's much more entertaining, and you will have saved an hour and a half.
4. "Drillbit Taylor." Owen Wilson plays a con artist who exploits some socially inept teenagers for his own personal gain and finds love along the way. You know, I really do want to like movies. I always hope that each movie that comes out will be worthwhile and entertaining. And then movies such as "Drillbit Taylor" come out and a part of me dies inside like a cold, shivering child at the hands of a homicidal pedophile.
5. "10,000 B.C." Roland Emmerich deserves to have his cock rubbed with a nail file until there is nothing left of it. He is a blight on our world, creating distracting images that keep us from developing as a culture and attaining a state of true fulfillment. If you see any of his movies willingly, your soul will be poisoned forever and we won't let you on the spaceship when the rest of us go to explore the Universe.
6. "Never Back Down." Cage fighting and high school drama combined with "Karate Kid" to make some sort of uber-retardo plot about something that no one with an IQ higher than Econoline Van full of tweekers will ever care about.
7. "College Road Trip." I have this frightening vision sometimes that movies such as this are not actually written by anyone or approved by anyone. They just sort of enter development and are produced without anyone really knowing why, the product of a vast unseen evil that hides with the bureaucracy of major movie studios.
8. "The Bank Job." I'm probably going to go see this, if for no other reason than that it is the only movie on this list that does not look like a complete and utter piece of shit.
9. "Vantage Point." Stuff happens. It's confusing for awhile and then it starts to make a little bit of sense and then it ends. There, summed up the movie for you and I haven't even seen it.
10. "Under the Same Moon." Illegal immigrants are people too. They have obvious, saccharine family dramas made about them just like the rest of us.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Random News
Disposable Income Scattered to the Wind
People came out in droves this weekend to see Hollywood piss all over a beloved childhood classic and subsequently "Horton Hears a Who!" had the best opening weekend of a film so far this year. Expanding a book that couldn't have more than 500 words into a feature length film, "Horton" tells the tale of an elephant that can hear a microscopic civilization and attempts to protect it, thus imparting the valuable moral lesson that we should all listen to the voices in our heads and do what they say, even if other people tell us we're crazy.
Religious Persecution and Fart Jokes
Hindus are raising a ruckus over the new Mike Meyers comedy "The Love Guru," apparently for its stereotypical and insulting depiction of Hindu holy men. Not that you need a reason to protest the release of a new Mike Meyers film, as the man is about as funny as watching puppies get thrown into a stump grinder...over and over again...for a solid hour and a half...it...just...won't...stop.
Paul Retains Custody of Ringo
Paul McCartney's ex-wife Heather Mills has been awarded nearly $50 million in their divorce settlement, an amount I believe Sir Paul was able to dig out from under his sofa cushions. The divorce will certainly inspire McCartney to write another album, to be played exclusively at Starbucks and to be purchased solely by his fellow pod people.
Rich People Breeding
Halle Berry recently gave birth to a baby girl. You know what this means, don't you? Someone has had sex with Halle Berry and it's not me. I guess I'll just have to hold out for Natalie Portman (I forgive you for the "Star Wars" prequels, sweetness, just promise you won't do it again).
People came out in droves this weekend to see Hollywood piss all over a beloved childhood classic and subsequently "Horton Hears a Who!" had the best opening weekend of a film so far this year. Expanding a book that couldn't have more than 500 words into a feature length film, "Horton" tells the tale of an elephant that can hear a microscopic civilization and attempts to protect it, thus imparting the valuable moral lesson that we should all listen to the voices in our heads and do what they say, even if other people tell us we're crazy.
Religious Persecution and Fart Jokes
Hindus are raising a ruckus over the new Mike Meyers comedy "The Love Guru," apparently for its stereotypical and insulting depiction of Hindu holy men. Not that you need a reason to protest the release of a new Mike Meyers film, as the man is about as funny as watching puppies get thrown into a stump grinder...over and over again...for a solid hour and a half...it...just...won't...stop.
Paul Retains Custody of Ringo
Paul McCartney's ex-wife Heather Mills has been awarded nearly $50 million in their divorce settlement, an amount I believe Sir Paul was able to dig out from under his sofa cushions. The divorce will certainly inspire McCartney to write another album, to be played exclusively at Starbucks and to be purchased solely by his fellow pod people.
Rich People Breeding
Halle Berry recently gave birth to a baby girl. You know what this means, don't you? Someone has had sex with Halle Berry and it's not me. I guess I'll just have to hold out for Natalie Portman (I forgive you for the "Star Wars" prequels, sweetness, just promise you won't do it again).
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