A remake of "Day of the Dead" is in production. Planned as a direct sequel to the 2004 remake of "Dawn of the Dead," with many of the same characters returning, the film is hoping to recreate the success of "Dawn" by slyly replacing the director and writer with much lamer substitutes, in this case the director "Halloween H20" and "Lake Placid" and the screenwriter for the entire "Final Destination" series. Would it be possible to make this any more mind-numbingly boring?
A remake of "The Creature from the Black Lagoon" is in the works for 2008. Originally, Guillermo del Toro was attached to this as director, but I guess someone decided that would just be too impossibly awesome for words and came up with the bright idea of having the guy who directed a multimillion dollar "Indiana Jones" wannabe piece of shit flop staring Matthew McConaughey take the helm. The writer at least has a better track record, if you count a popular Tom Hanks comedy from the 1980s a track record.
The classic 1980s slasher film "Prom Night" is also being remade (it was inevitable at this point, wasn't it?), despite the fact that the original was such a dull non-entity that it would hardly make any difference if you called it a remake or not. They did decide to try something new with this remake though. You see, they took a forgotten horror film they owned the rights to, had a random hack shit out an update screenplay, hired a dull as dishwater television director to helm it and populated the cast with oversexed WB rejects willing to whore themselves to whatever artistically dubious project might bring them the chance for even the most fleeting bit of fame. Certainly, nobody has tried doing this before?
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Reel Life Prison Hoes
Prison is a Bitch
Paris Hilton was ordered to go back to prison recently to complete her sentence, because apparently the judge didn't believe that being a spoiled, whiny little bitch was a legitimate medical concern.
Coming Soon:
June 15th brings us "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer," the shitty sequel to the shitty original. So it seems that an alien entity known as the Silver Surfer shows up on Earth to herald the coming of the planet devouring Galactus and it is up to the Fantastic Four to stop them, but they run into trouble when their old nemesis Dr. Doom shows up. Then things really get wild when Snoop Dog joins the party!
It's as if Marvel has decided to just dump all of their worn out, worthless comics into one franchise and put the man who directed "Taxi" at the helm. I'm not going to be interested until they throw in Moon Knight or the Sub-Mariner. Hawkeye, baby. That's what I'm talking about. Maybe a little Doctor Strange action. Little bit of She-Hulk while we're at it.
Opening June 22 is the sequel to "Bruce Almighty," "Evan Almighty," which has become the most expensive comedy ever produced and makes me stomach sick in a very magical way.
June 29 brings us the fourth "Die Hard" film, "Live Free or Die Hard." Did you know that there is also a "Transformers" movie coming out as well as another "Rambo" film? WHY ARE WE TRYING TO RELIVE THE 1980's! THEY SUCKED THE FIRST TIME AND THEY ARE SUCKING EVEN MORE NOW!
Also opening is the new Michael Moore documentary, "Sicko," which will cause a lot of controversy and arguments and then will be basically forgotten in a year or two because it really isn't all that interesting and he has nothing relevant to add to any argument, just like all of his other films.
Paris Hilton was ordered to go back to prison recently to complete her sentence, because apparently the judge didn't believe that being a spoiled, whiny little bitch was a legitimate medical concern.
Coming Soon:
June 15th brings us "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer," the shitty sequel to the shitty original. So it seems that an alien entity known as the Silver Surfer shows up on Earth to herald the coming of the planet devouring Galactus and it is up to the Fantastic Four to stop them, but they run into trouble when their old nemesis Dr. Doom shows up. Then things really get wild when Snoop Dog joins the party!
It's as if Marvel has decided to just dump all of their worn out, worthless comics into one franchise and put the man who directed "Taxi" at the helm. I'm not going to be interested until they throw in Moon Knight or the Sub-Mariner. Hawkeye, baby. That's what I'm talking about. Maybe a little Doctor Strange action. Little bit of She-Hulk while we're at it.
Opening June 22 is the sequel to "Bruce Almighty," "Evan Almighty," which has become the most expensive comedy ever produced and makes me stomach sick in a very magical way.
June 29 brings us the fourth "Die Hard" film, "Live Free or Die Hard." Did you know that there is also a "Transformers" movie coming out as well as another "Rambo" film? WHY ARE WE TRYING TO RELIVE THE 1980's! THEY SUCKED THE FIRST TIME AND THEY ARE SUCKING EVEN MORE NOW!
Also opening is the new Michael Moore documentary, "Sicko," which will cause a lot of controversy and arguments and then will be basically forgotten in a year or two because it really isn't all that interesting and he has nothing relevant to add to any argument, just like all of his other films.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
All the Important Stuff
Science News
Scientists have discovered some female sharks apparently can give birth without the assistance of a male partner. So Jesus came back as a hammerhead? Who saw that coming? Maybe the Methodists, but I think everyone else got blindsided.
American Idolatry
American Idol has oh my god THE SQUIRRELS ARE BACK INSIDE OF MY BRAIN!
This Week:
John Mayer is/is not banging Jessica Simpson (circle appropriate).
Scientists have discovered some female sharks apparently can give birth without the assistance of a male partner. So Jesus came back as a hammerhead? Who saw that coming? Maybe the Methodists, but I think everyone else got blindsided.
American Idolatry
American Idol has oh my god THE SQUIRRELS ARE BACK INSIDE OF MY BRAIN!
This Week:
John Mayer is/is not banging Jessica Simpson (circle appropriate).
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Spider-Man 3," in which Spider-Man faces off against Venom, the Sandman, the New Goblin and Sam Raimi's complete inability to direct honest human drama.
2. "Disturbia." You do realize this is just a teen version of "Rear Window," don't you? You do? Well, okay then.
3. "Fracture" in which Anthony Hopkins WILL EAT YOUR FACE!
4. "The Invisible." Wow, the jokes just write themselves on this one. Basically, it's like "Ghost," only more emotastic.
5. "Next." So is making a shitty Philip K. Dick adaptation like a Hollywood right of passage now? As is standard for these films, they nab the gimmick and skip the subversive paranoia. Though it is nice to see that Nicolas Cage has stopped trying to be a real actor and gone back to selling his soul to the highest bidder.
6. "Lucky You." Has there ever been a film about poker, or even just gambling in general, that didn't make me die a little inside just thinking about it?
7. "Meet the Robinsons," in which Disney tries again to do computer animation without Pixar, and hey guess what? They made another soulless piece of bargain bin shit.
8. "Blades of Glory," a film based on the theory that Will Ferrell doing anything at all is funny.
9. "Hot Fuzz." HOPE FOR THE FUTURE OF COMEDIC FILMMAKING!
10. "Are We Done Yet?" FUCK!
2. "Disturbia." You do realize this is just a teen version of "Rear Window," don't you? You do? Well, okay then.
3. "Fracture" in which Anthony Hopkins WILL EAT YOUR FACE!
4. "The Invisible." Wow, the jokes just write themselves on this one. Basically, it's like "Ghost," only more emotastic.
5. "Next." So is making a shitty Philip K. Dick adaptation like a Hollywood right of passage now? As is standard for these films, they nab the gimmick and skip the subversive paranoia. Though it is nice to see that Nicolas Cage has stopped trying to be a real actor and gone back to selling his soul to the highest bidder.
6. "Lucky You." Has there ever been a film about poker, or even just gambling in general, that didn't make me die a little inside just thinking about it?
7. "Meet the Robinsons," in which Disney tries again to do computer animation without Pixar, and hey guess what? They made another soulless piece of bargain bin shit.
8. "Blades of Glory," a film based on the theory that Will Ferrell doing anything at all is funny.
9. "Hot Fuzz." HOPE FOR THE FUTURE OF COMEDIC FILMMAKING!
10. "Are We Done Yet?" FUCK!
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Dead People and Racism
Dead Famous People
Kurt Vonnegut died at the age of 84 yesterday. He can now look forward to a lucrative career of having his dead image exploited to sell credit cards or some such crap. "When you're unstuck in time and the lights go out..."
The Dead Rise
Willa Ford will play Anna Nicole Smith in a new film about the recently desceased gold-digging whore. I believe she has everything needed for the role: Tits, blonde hair, no brain and the acting ability of a dead goat.
Race War Clusterfuck
There's been a big stink up about someone I've never heard named Don Imus of calling a female basketball team composed mostly of African-American's "nappy-headed hoes." He didn't make it much better for himself by groveling to anyone who would let him, begging to be forgiven by the likes of Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson, who aren't going to let such an juicy target off so easy. It's so much simpler when the person making racist, degrading comments about a woman is a person of a different skin color. Not so easy to hold, say, the men with tracks on the Billboard Hip-Hop charts up to the same standards.
Kurt Vonnegut died at the age of 84 yesterday. He can now look forward to a lucrative career of having his dead image exploited to sell credit cards or some such crap. "When you're unstuck in time and the lights go out..."
The Dead Rise
Willa Ford will play Anna Nicole Smith in a new film about the recently desceased gold-digging whore. I believe she has everything needed for the role: Tits, blonde hair, no brain and the acting ability of a dead goat.
Race War Clusterfuck
There's been a big stink up about someone I've never heard named Don Imus of calling a female basketball team composed mostly of African-American's "nappy-headed hoes." He didn't make it much better for himself by groveling to anyone who would let him, begging to be forgiven by the likes of Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson, who aren't going to let such an juicy target off so easy. It's so much simpler when the person making racist, degrading comments about a woman is a person of a different skin color. Not so easy to hold, say, the men with tracks on the Billboard Hip-Hop charts up to the same standards.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Stuff is Happening
Death Becomes Her
Anna Nicole Smith's diaries from 1992 and 1994 have been sold on eBay for $500,000 total. To rephrase that, someone spent half a million dollars to read the private thoughts of a person who, according to all visible evidence, had no brain. This is where the fall of the empire begins, this moment. If barbarians aren't sacking the capital by next Tuesday, I am going to be very disappointed.
Fantasia
In other news involving the printed word: The son of J.R.R. Tolkien (he doesn't actually have a name, he's just "that 'Lord of the Rings' guy's son") has finished the last book by his father, "The Children of Hurin," using his father's notes. I'm sure it will be just fantastic. Though I do find it a little interesting that he only decided to publish this after the film adaptations of "Lord of the Rings" trilogy made billions of dollars. And that nobody is actually talking about the book itself, just the possible film adaptation. And that J.R.R. Tolkien was not that great of a writer and that his son has been basically publishing any old crap that was left on his dad's desk for going on thirty years now.
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "TMNT," i.e. a new computer animated version of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Will they completely miss the irony of the subject? Will the 1980s actually happen again? We'll just have to see.
2. "300," a film which has caused a bit of a dust up, apparently because it kind of sucks, but is popular regardless. Oh yeah, and Iran think it's anti-Iranian propaganda, which would be completely absurd except for the fact that it kind of is. It's hard to miss since the film makes the Persians (of which the Iranians are the remnants) come off as preening pansies that are taunted by the Spartan heroes as being "boy-lovers." Which when you think about it is kind of an absurd thing for a Spartan to taunt someone about since Spartan society was about as gay as a San Francisco gay pride parade on international "Fuck a Man in the Ass" day. I mean, these guys were REALLY gay. When your ideal measure of beauty is "the pert round butt cheeks of a fair-haired male youth," you are dealing with some hardcore rainbow-flag-waving motherfuckers. Oh yeah, and the Spartans eliminated all family ties in preference of ties to the State, were stone morons when it came to battlefield tactics and were defeated by the Persians whenever the Persians had a general with half a brain. They were war-worshipping uberjock fascists whose idea of a romantic wedding night was to shave their wife's head so she would look more manish and then bang her prison style. It was like an entire society made up of Texas high school football teams, only without the repression. And it was actually the Athenians who defeated the Persians in the end. Funny how none of that made it into the film.
3. "Shooter" which stars Mark Wahlberg as a bad ass, the role he was born to never, ever play.
4. "Wild Hogs." It's like someone took everything that is not funny in this world and put it in a movie. Honestly, this looks about as laugh inducing as a late-term abortion.
5. "The Last Mimzy." We can only hope.
6. "The Hills Have Eyes 2." The sequel to the remake of the film that already had a sequel, but not a remake of the sequel to the original film. Got that? Who gives a fuck, they hired a music video director to shoot it and it came out about a shitty as expected.
7. "Premonition." I'm looking into the future and seeing another piece of semi-supernatural crap with Sandra Bullock in it.
8. "Reign Over Me," in which Adam Sandler continues his attempt to be taken seriously, in between his attempts to make bank by producing/starring in comedies so tediously unfunny that they actually suck the joy out of other films showing in the same theater.
9. "Pride" combines the "coach turns ragtag team into champions" plot with the "teacher turns tough inner city kids into talented winners" plot, along with a dash of the "inspirational true story" plot to make some sort of ultra-boring Super Plot.
10. "Dead Silence." AKA "Ventriloquist Dolls Are Creepy When They Move by Themselves, Here is a Movie About It."
Anna Nicole Smith's diaries from 1992 and 1994 have been sold on eBay for $500,000 total. To rephrase that, someone spent half a million dollars to read the private thoughts of a person who, according to all visible evidence, had no brain. This is where the fall of the empire begins, this moment. If barbarians aren't sacking the capital by next Tuesday, I am going to be very disappointed.
Fantasia
In other news involving the printed word: The son of J.R.R. Tolkien (he doesn't actually have a name, he's just "that 'Lord of the Rings' guy's son") has finished the last book by his father, "The Children of Hurin," using his father's notes. I'm sure it will be just fantastic. Though I do find it a little interesting that he only decided to publish this after the film adaptations of "Lord of the Rings" trilogy made billions of dollars. And that nobody is actually talking about the book itself, just the possible film adaptation. And that J.R.R. Tolkien was not that great of a writer and that his son has been basically publishing any old crap that was left on his dad's desk for going on thirty years now.
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "TMNT," i.e. a new computer animated version of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Will they completely miss the irony of the subject? Will the 1980s actually happen again? We'll just have to see.
2. "300," a film which has caused a bit of a dust up, apparently because it kind of sucks, but is popular regardless. Oh yeah, and Iran think it's anti-Iranian propaganda, which would be completely absurd except for the fact that it kind of is. It's hard to miss since the film makes the Persians (of which the Iranians are the remnants) come off as preening pansies that are taunted by the Spartan heroes as being "boy-lovers." Which when you think about it is kind of an absurd thing for a Spartan to taunt someone about since Spartan society was about as gay as a San Francisco gay pride parade on international "Fuck a Man in the Ass" day. I mean, these guys were REALLY gay. When your ideal measure of beauty is "the pert round butt cheeks of a fair-haired male youth," you are dealing with some hardcore rainbow-flag-waving motherfuckers. Oh yeah, and the Spartans eliminated all family ties in preference of ties to the State, were stone morons when it came to battlefield tactics and were defeated by the Persians whenever the Persians had a general with half a brain. They were war-worshipping uberjock fascists whose idea of a romantic wedding night was to shave their wife's head so she would look more manish and then bang her prison style. It was like an entire society made up of Texas high school football teams, only without the repression. And it was actually the Athenians who defeated the Persians in the end. Funny how none of that made it into the film.
3. "Shooter" which stars Mark Wahlberg as a bad ass, the role he was born to never, ever play.
4. "Wild Hogs." It's like someone took everything that is not funny in this world and put it in a movie. Honestly, this looks about as laugh inducing as a late-term abortion.
5. "The Last Mimzy." We can only hope.
6. "The Hills Have Eyes 2." The sequel to the remake of the film that already had a sequel, but not a remake of the sequel to the original film. Got that? Who gives a fuck, they hired a music video director to shoot it and it came out about a shitty as expected.
7. "Premonition." I'm looking into the future and seeing another piece of semi-supernatural crap with Sandra Bullock in it.
8. "Reign Over Me," in which Adam Sandler continues his attempt to be taken seriously, in between his attempts to make bank by producing/starring in comedies so tediously unfunny that they actually suck the joy out of other films showing in the same theater.
9. "Pride" combines the "coach turns ragtag team into champions" plot with the "teacher turns tough inner city kids into talented winners" plot, along with a dash of the "inspirational true story" plot to make some sort of ultra-boring Super Plot.
10. "Dead Silence." AKA "Ventriloquist Dolls Are Creepy When They Move by Themselves, Here is a Movie About It."
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Oscar Notes
I know I'm a little late on this, but here's some thoughts on the Oscar Ceremony:
1. Did you notice how when the ceremony started, members of the audience were standing up and applauding no one in particular? I know that award shows are supposed to be orgies of self-congratulation, but is there really any reason to be such cocksuckers about it? At least they got Errol Morris to do a cool little intro before the ceremony, though it took me a minute before I realized I wasn't watching a Mac ad.
2. So, Ellen DeGeneres, eh? Sure, whatever, at least she managed to go through most of the night without being terrible or making me cringe. Though you know it does not bode well for you as an award ceremony if Ellen DeGeneres comes off like a breath of fresh air.
3. Jack Nicholson looks like a penis. Just thought I would throw that out there.
4. So "Pan's Labyrinth" wins an assload of tech awards and is nominated for best screenplay but does not win the Best Foreign Language award? Fucking Germans.
5. I think I threw up a little bit when the words "interpretive dance" were spoken out loud.
6. So Jessica Hudson gets an award and Peter O'Toole gets the shaft again. Not that he really deserved it this year. I think at this point the Academy is just nominating him out of spite.
7. Celine Dion, WTF? What necromancer did they have to contact to get her to perform? And what exactly does she have to do with Ennio Morricone? I did like the way Clint Eastwood Alzhimered his way through his tribute. You could tell Ennio was impressed (for those not watching, through most of the ceremony his face looked like someone had just taken a dump in his breakfast).
8. Scorsese finally gets his Oscar, though it's for a film everyone seems to know is not his best work, which means it's more like an apology than an award. The best picture win is no big surprise, since it was basically a crapshoot (though "Little Miss Sunshine" didn't have a chance. You know the last time a comedy won best picture at the Oscars? 1977).
9. Acting awards went to people playing national leaders: a charismatic, homicidal cannibal and Idi Amehn, respectively.
10. Those fucking dancing penguins won an Oscar. If I had children, I would rather take them to a snuff film then have them see "Happy Feet."
1. Did you notice how when the ceremony started, members of the audience were standing up and applauding no one in particular? I know that award shows are supposed to be orgies of self-congratulation, but is there really any reason to be such cocksuckers about it? At least they got Errol Morris to do a cool little intro before the ceremony, though it took me a minute before I realized I wasn't watching a Mac ad.
2. So, Ellen DeGeneres, eh? Sure, whatever, at least she managed to go through most of the night without being terrible or making me cringe. Though you know it does not bode well for you as an award ceremony if Ellen DeGeneres comes off like a breath of fresh air.
3. Jack Nicholson looks like a penis. Just thought I would throw that out there.
4. So "Pan's Labyrinth" wins an assload of tech awards and is nominated for best screenplay but does not win the Best Foreign Language award? Fucking Germans.
5. I think I threw up a little bit when the words "interpretive dance" were spoken out loud.
6. So Jessica Hudson gets an award and Peter O'Toole gets the shaft again. Not that he really deserved it this year. I think at this point the Academy is just nominating him out of spite.
7. Celine Dion, WTF? What necromancer did they have to contact to get her to perform? And what exactly does she have to do with Ennio Morricone? I did like the way Clint Eastwood Alzhimered his way through his tribute. You could tell Ennio was impressed (for those not watching, through most of the ceremony his face looked like someone had just taken a dump in his breakfast).
8. Scorsese finally gets his Oscar, though it's for a film everyone seems to know is not his best work, which means it's more like an apology than an award. The best picture win is no big surprise, since it was basically a crapshoot (though "Little Miss Sunshine" didn't have a chance. You know the last time a comedy won best picture at the Oscars? 1977).
9. Acting awards went to people playing national leaders: a charismatic, homicidal cannibal and Idi Amehn, respectively.
10. Those fucking dancing penguins won an Oscar. If I had children, I would rather take them to a snuff film then have them see "Happy Feet."
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Time Keeps on Slipping
Quick Question
Okay, entire population of the world, show of hands: Who here has NOT fucked Anna Nicole Smith? Anyone?
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Norbit." So it's finally happened: Eddie Murphy has been paid $20 million dollars to fuck himself on screen, and people are willingly paying to see it.
2. "Hannibal Rising." Does anyone actually give a shit about Hannibal Lector outside of "Silence of the Lambs"? And he really wasn't even the villain in that. So...why?
3. "Because I Said So." Great. A movie about someone's mom getting it on. Just the thing to lift my spirits in these dark months.
4. "The Messengers." Sounds pretty cool, looks kind of creepy. Wait, PG-13? Fuck it.
5. "Night at the Museum." Why do movies like this even exist? "Because it's so nice to have a movie we can take the kids to." Oh yeah, that lame fucking excuse. Listen, instead of taking your kids out to see this brain-rotting piece of garbage why don't you just take them out back and beat them with a shovel for an hour and a half. They'll be quite afterwards and it will do about the same amount of damage to their future development potential.
6. "Epic Movie." "You know all those shitty blockbusters that came out in the last year? Here are some scenes from them with different actors. Oh yeah, and it's supposed to be funny."
7. "Smokin' Aces." Bunch of people with bad hair and guns and the acting ability of lukewarm pork shoot at stuff and exchange swear words for an hour and a half of poorly thought out plotting. I AM SO THERE!
8. "Pan's Labyrinth." Fan boys around the world are wetting their pants around this.
9. "Dreamgirls," which was nominated for a few Oscars, but was surprisingly shut out of most of the major categories, apparently for the unfortunate flaw of not being all that good.
10. "The Queen." If the Academy Awards had a specific set of rules for the type of movie that is always going to be nominated for an Oscar, this would meet most of the criteria. If I had a specific set of rules for the kind of film that evokes absolutely no emotional response from me, it would meet most of those as well.
A Look At Upcoming Films This Year
"The Hills Have Eyes II," the "Are We There Yet?" sequel "Are We Done Yet?," "Shrek the Third," "Ocean's Thirteen," "Hostel: Part II," "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer," the "Bruce Almighty" sequel "Evan Almighty," "Live Free or Die Hard" ("Die Hard 4"), "The Bourne Ultimatum," "Rush Hour 3," "Resident Evil: Extinction," "Saw IV," "National Treasure: Book of Secrets" and "Alien vs. Predator: AVP2."
Also expected in the next year:
Horror Film Remakes: 3
Video Game Adaptations: 2
Stephen King Adaptations: 2
Adaptations of Old Cartoon Shows: 3
Movies with Cuba Gooding Jr. in Them: 3
Movies Directed By Ben Affleck: 1
Movies About Football: 2
Okay, entire population of the world, show of hands: Who here has NOT fucked Anna Nicole Smith? Anyone?
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Norbit." So it's finally happened: Eddie Murphy has been paid $20 million dollars to fuck himself on screen, and people are willingly paying to see it.
2. "Hannibal Rising." Does anyone actually give a shit about Hannibal Lector outside of "Silence of the Lambs"? And he really wasn't even the villain in that. So...why?
3. "Because I Said So." Great. A movie about someone's mom getting it on. Just the thing to lift my spirits in these dark months.
4. "The Messengers." Sounds pretty cool, looks kind of creepy. Wait, PG-13? Fuck it.
5. "Night at the Museum." Why do movies like this even exist? "Because it's so nice to have a movie we can take the kids to." Oh yeah, that lame fucking excuse. Listen, instead of taking your kids out to see this brain-rotting piece of garbage why don't you just take them out back and beat them with a shovel for an hour and a half. They'll be quite afterwards and it will do about the same amount of damage to their future development potential.
6. "Epic Movie." "You know all those shitty blockbusters that came out in the last year? Here are some scenes from them with different actors. Oh yeah, and it's supposed to be funny."
7. "Smokin' Aces." Bunch of people with bad hair and guns and the acting ability of lukewarm pork shoot at stuff and exchange swear words for an hour and a half of poorly thought out plotting. I AM SO THERE!
8. "Pan's Labyrinth." Fan boys around the world are wetting their pants around this.
9. "Dreamgirls," which was nominated for a few Oscars, but was surprisingly shut out of most of the major categories, apparently for the unfortunate flaw of not being all that good.
10. "The Queen." If the Academy Awards had a specific set of rules for the type of movie that is always going to be nominated for an Oscar, this would meet most of the criteria. If I had a specific set of rules for the kind of film that evokes absolutely no emotional response from me, it would meet most of those as well.
A Look At Upcoming Films This Year
"The Hills Have Eyes II," the "Are We There Yet?" sequel "Are We Done Yet?," "Shrek the Third," "Ocean's Thirteen," "Hostel: Part II," "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer," the "Bruce Almighty" sequel "Evan Almighty," "Live Free or Die Hard" ("Die Hard 4"), "The Bourne Ultimatum," "Rush Hour 3," "Resident Evil: Extinction," "Saw IV," "National Treasure: Book of Secrets" and "Alien vs. Predator: AVP2."
Also expected in the next year:
Horror Film Remakes: 3
Video Game Adaptations: 2
Stephen King Adaptations: 2
Adaptations of Old Cartoon Shows: 3
Movies with Cuba Gooding Jr. in Them: 3
Movies Directed By Ben Affleck: 1
Movies About Football: 2
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Death Surrounds Us
Dead Famous People
As I'm sure you have all heard, many times from many different sources, Anna Nicole Smith was found dead recently. Apparently we are supposed to care about this. Apparently this is more important for us to know about than the fact that our country is gearing up to invade Iran while the Vice President has a good chance of being indicted and convicted of blowing a CIA agent's cover. Apparently we are all supposed to pretend that Anna Nicole Smith was a person of some value to our society, rather than a brain-dead, gold-digging leech. I don't mean to be insensitive...Okay, wait, actually I do. I could not possibly give less of a shit about her. She was a living monument to everything that is sick and wrong in our society. The only reason I'm not glad she's dead is that I'm not really that cruel of a person. Also, if she were still alive I would not have to deal with the insufferable, meaningless and over-hyped tabloid bullshit about her death.
Nothing Else On
The 2007 Grammy awards are on the way. A dozen award presentations scattered over three hours of shitty rock bands, forced and awkward duets and tired performances by bland, aging pop stars. Couldn't we just drop the pretense of this being an award ceremony and just call it a big, mainstream record company circle jerk that for some reason is being televised?
As I'm sure you have all heard, many times from many different sources, Anna Nicole Smith was found dead recently. Apparently we are supposed to care about this. Apparently this is more important for us to know about than the fact that our country is gearing up to invade Iran while the Vice President has a good chance of being indicted and convicted of blowing a CIA agent's cover. Apparently we are all supposed to pretend that Anna Nicole Smith was a person of some value to our society, rather than a brain-dead, gold-digging leech. I don't mean to be insensitive...Okay, wait, actually I do. I could not possibly give less of a shit about her. She was a living monument to everything that is sick and wrong in our society. The only reason I'm not glad she's dead is that I'm not really that cruel of a person. Also, if she were still alive I would not have to deal with the insufferable, meaningless and over-hyped tabloid bullshit about her death.
Nothing Else On
The 2007 Grammy awards are on the way. A dozen award presentations scattered over three hours of shitty rock bands, forced and awkward duets and tired performances by bland, aging pop stars. Couldn't we just drop the pretense of this being an award ceremony and just call it a big, mainstream record company circle jerk that for some reason is being televised?
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
OSCARS!!!!!!!!!
Gold Statue Time
The Academy Award Nomina..........sorry, blacked out there for a sec. Here are the nominees for the top awards:
Best Picture:
1. "The Queen," which like the royalty it depicts is elegant, classy, and something that I do not even give the slightest bit of a fuck about.
2. "Babel" which as I have stated is one of the two best films of this year I will never, not even at knifepoint have any compelling desire to see.
3. "The Departed." This is the other.
4. "Letters from Iwo Jima," which is this year prerequisite Eastwood film.
5. "Little Miss Sunshine." HOW THE FUCK DID THIS END UP THERE? I mean I heard it was good, but WTF?
Best Director:
1. Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, "Babel." I do not care about this director on a profound level.
2. Martin Scorsese, "The Departed." I lost money on him a couple years ago and now I'm just totally pissed at him.
3. Clint Eastwood, "Letters from Iwo Jima." Why do all of Eastwood's recent films just make me want to OD on sedatives and slip into a nice, relaxed coma?
4. Stephan Frears, "The Queen." Snarky_comment_not_found.
5. Paul Greengrass, "United 93." Prerequisite Bold Choice.
Best Actor:
1. Leonardo DiCaprio, "Blood Diamond." Whoops, puked a little.
2. Ryan Gosling, "Half Nelson." Teacher. Drug Habit. Inner City. He's a shoe-in.
3. Peter O'Toole, "Venus." Have you seen the poster for this? O'Toole looks like one of the living dead.
4. Will SmitAHHHHHHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!
5. Forest Whitaker, "The Last King of Scotland." He plays Idi Amin? Cool.
Best Actress:
1. Penelope Cruz, "Volver." Some shit with a ghost. I totally missed it.
2. Judi Dench, "Notes on a Scandal." Is there some clause in Dench's contract that she has to be nominated for an Oscar no matter what she stars in?
3. Helen Mirren, "The Queen." AKA "The Simon Cowell Story."
4. Meryl whoop-de-fucking-doo Streep in some shit based on a crappy book.
5. Kate Winslet, "Little Children." Are they not even trying over there at the Academy?
Other Highlights:
An "American Idol" loser got nominated for Best Supporting Actress; A movie about dancing penguins got nominated for Best Animated Film; a film that was largely improvised was nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay; an honorary award is going to a man who used electric guitars to score westerns; Al Gore got nominated for an Oscar.
In Other News:
Members of the church's leadership recently called Tom Cruise the "Christ" of Scientology. Like Christ, Cruise has spread his beliefs across the land, has been unpopular with the majority religions and eventually will be nailed to a piece of wood in public, will descend into Hell and then will appear to his followers three days later in the form of ghostly visions. I am also coming to suspect that, like Jesus, Cruise is in fact just a figment of someone's imagination.
The Academy Award Nomina..........sorry, blacked out there for a sec. Here are the nominees for the top awards:
Best Picture:
1. "The Queen," which like the royalty it depicts is elegant, classy, and something that I do not even give the slightest bit of a fuck about.
2. "Babel" which as I have stated is one of the two best films of this year I will never, not even at knifepoint have any compelling desire to see.
3. "The Departed." This is the other.
4. "Letters from Iwo Jima," which is this year prerequisite Eastwood film.
5. "Little Miss Sunshine." HOW THE FUCK DID THIS END UP THERE? I mean I heard it was good, but WTF?
Best Director:
1. Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, "Babel." I do not care about this director on a profound level.
2. Martin Scorsese, "The Departed." I lost money on him a couple years ago and now I'm just totally pissed at him.
3. Clint Eastwood, "Letters from Iwo Jima." Why do all of Eastwood's recent films just make me want to OD on sedatives and slip into a nice, relaxed coma?
4. Stephan Frears, "The Queen." Snarky_comment_not_found.
5. Paul Greengrass, "United 93." Prerequisite Bold Choice.
Best Actor:
1. Leonardo DiCaprio, "Blood Diamond." Whoops, puked a little.
2. Ryan Gosling, "Half Nelson." Teacher. Drug Habit. Inner City. He's a shoe-in.
3. Peter O'Toole, "Venus." Have you seen the poster for this? O'Toole looks like one of the living dead.
4. Will SmitAHHHHHHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!
5. Forest Whitaker, "The Last King of Scotland." He plays Idi Amin? Cool.
Best Actress:
1. Penelope Cruz, "Volver." Some shit with a ghost. I totally missed it.
2. Judi Dench, "Notes on a Scandal." Is there some clause in Dench's contract that she has to be nominated for an Oscar no matter what she stars in?
3. Helen Mirren, "The Queen." AKA "The Simon Cowell Story."
4. Meryl whoop-de-fucking-doo Streep in some shit based on a crappy book.
5. Kate Winslet, "Little Children." Are they not even trying over there at the Academy?
Other Highlights:
An "American Idol" loser got nominated for Best Supporting Actress; A movie about dancing penguins got nominated for Best Animated Film; a film that was largely improvised was nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay; an honorary award is going to a man who used electric guitars to score westerns; Al Gore got nominated for an Oscar.
In Other News:
Members of the church's leadership recently called Tom Cruise the "Christ" of Scientology. Like Christ, Cruise has spread his beliefs across the land, has been unpopular with the majority religions and eventually will be nailed to a piece of wood in public, will descend into Hell and then will appear to his followers three days later in the form of ghostly visions. I am also coming to suspect that, like Jesus, Cruise is in fact just a figment of someone's imagination.
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