Guess the Slur and Win a $100
Former "Seinfeld" star Michael Richards has come under fire recently for making a racial slur during a stand-up routine in Los Angeles. The racial slur isn't nearly as astounding as the revelation that Michael Richards is still alive and people are paying to see him perform.
Dead Famous People
Director Robert Altman died recently at the age of 81 on Monday. Which sucks for him I guess. Also for his friends and family and cinema lovers worldwide, though when you think of it they all got the better end of the deal as they get to stay alive a little longer. It's good to keep these things in perspective. I guess I just have a little trouble feeling really bad when someone I didn't personally know dies, even if they made movies I loved. From highest to lowest, my death reaction hierarchy is as follows: Family, friends, pets, celebrities, fictional characters, anonymous Indonesian natural disaster victims.
Blainiacs
David Blaine is currently strapped to a gyroscope hanging over Times Square in New York City. WTF, dude? Can you go anywhere in Time Square these days without running into David Blaine doing some insane act? I think if he wanted to do something really astounding he should just give himself AIDS and then cure himself. That would impress me. None of this spinning around in mid-air shit. Or maybe that's the secret. Do you think? Have we tried strapping an AIDS victim to a gyroscope yet? Someone should look into that.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Friday, November 17, 2006
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Borat: Semi-Clever Subtitle I Don't Really Feel Like Typing Out," has topped the box office, proving that Americans can take a joke about themselves. That is until they find out there's money to be made and terms such as "mental anguish" start popping up in properly filed legal documents.
2. "The Santa Claus 3: Holy Living Fuck It Has Martin Short In It And People Are Still Going To See It I Cannot Believe This Film Has Earned Over $40 Million I Mean For The Love Of God It's A Tim Allen Christmas Film With Fucking Martin Short In It."
3. "Flushed Away." The only thing more trite than the plot of this film is the heinous punnery of the critics reviewing it. Wow. Clever you guys. You found a way to make a joke from the title "Flushed Away." That's just so funny it makes me want to vomit. Really. It makes me want to empty my stomach contents into a toilet until I dry heave. It's good to know we still have such a wonderful collection of film critics in this country that can come up with such clever insights such as "'Flushed Away' struggles with comedic flow'." Wow. Do I feel nauseas or what?
4. "Stranger Than Fiction." Will Ferrell aims for becoming a real actor, just like Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler before him. Fuck.
5. "Saw III." Does this still exist? Goddamnit
6. "Babel." One of the two best films of this year that I do not care anything at all about.
7. "The Departed." This is the other. Is it okay to say that I just don't care about Martin Scorsese all that much? I'm not saying he's bad, I just haven't been that interested in more than, say, three of his past twelve films.
8. "The Prestige." Those crazy magicians, still duking it out.
9. "The Return," which will be forever known as the supernatural thriller that starred Sara Michelle Geller that wasn't "The Grudge." Which is actually saying something in its favor.
10. "A Good Year." This would be a dull romantic comedy even if it weren't such an obvious PR effort from Russell Crow to downplay his occasional violent outbursts. And why the hell is Ridley Scott directing this? Here's a tip to all film producers: Instead of hiring Ridley Scott, just under-saturate every shot and tie the camera to an epileptic's head during a grand mal. That should match the effect perfectly.
2. "The Santa Claus 3: Holy Living Fuck It Has Martin Short In It And People Are Still Going To See It I Cannot Believe This Film Has Earned Over $40 Million I Mean For The Love Of God It's A Tim Allen Christmas Film With Fucking Martin Short In It."
3. "Flushed Away." The only thing more trite than the plot of this film is the heinous punnery of the critics reviewing it. Wow. Clever you guys. You found a way to make a joke from the title "Flushed Away." That's just so funny it makes me want to vomit. Really. It makes me want to empty my stomach contents into a toilet until I dry heave. It's good to know we still have such a wonderful collection of film critics in this country that can come up with such clever insights such as "'Flushed Away' struggles with comedic flow'." Wow. Do I feel nauseas or what?
4. "Stranger Than Fiction." Will Ferrell aims for becoming a real actor, just like Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler before him. Fuck.
5. "Saw III." Does this still exist? Goddamnit
6. "Babel." One of the two best films of this year that I do not care anything at all about.
7. "The Departed." This is the other. Is it okay to say that I just don't care about Martin Scorsese all that much? I'm not saying he's bad, I just haven't been that interested in more than, say, three of his past twelve films.
8. "The Prestige." Those crazy magicians, still duking it out.
9. "The Return," which will be forever known as the supernatural thriller that starred Sara Michelle Geller that wasn't "The Grudge." Which is actually saying something in its favor.
10. "A Good Year." This would be a dull romantic comedy even if it weren't such an obvious PR effort from Russell Crow to downplay his occasional violent outbursts. And why the hell is Ridley Scott directing this? Here's a tip to all film producers: Instead of hiring Ridley Scott, just under-saturate every shot and tie the camera to an epileptic's head during a grand mal. That should match the effect perfectly.
Thursday, November 9, 2006
Old People, Boring People and Made Up People
The Old Indiana Jones Chronicles
Director Frank Darabont has stated that he thinks the fourth installment in the "Indiana Jones" series will not make it to development after George Lucas rejected Darabont's script. Too bad. I was really looking forward to the latest installment in a series has lain fallow for 17 years after two tepid sequels. Shucks, I don't get to see Harrison Ford embarrass himself by pretending to be an action star half his age again. It's a shame. Really. Darn.
In Famous People News:
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have fi.........................blghahhgghhsh.
Looking at December's Movie Calender
December 1 brings us "The Nativity Story." Cast as Mary, the mother of Jesus, is a 17-year-old unmarried pregnant woman. Market around that aspect of it, bitches.
December 8 has the new film from Mel Gibson, "Apocalypto," which is about the collapse of the Mayan society and is apparently a parable about corruption of U.S. culture as it collapses into fundamentalist religious insanity. I least that's what I got from the plot outline, but I've been known to read these things wrong.
December 15 brings the new Will Smith film, "The Pursuit of Happiness," the poster for which is so inspirational it makes me want to run over orphans with my car. Also opening is "Eragon" which I've heard is some shit about dragons. Let me ask you a question, right out: Has there ever been a movie about dragons that has been anything more than mediocre? I'll let you think about that one.
December 22 brings us "Rocky Balboa" and our culture's official return to the 1980s.
December 25 brings "Dreamgirls," which tells a fictionalized account of Diana Ross and the Supremes and stars Beyonce Knowles and Jamie Foxx and...Eddie Murphy? Didn't he die?
Director Frank Darabont has stated that he thinks the fourth installment in the "Indiana Jones" series will not make it to development after George Lucas rejected Darabont's script. Too bad. I was really looking forward to the latest installment in a series has lain fallow for 17 years after two tepid sequels. Shucks, I don't get to see Harrison Ford embarrass himself by pretending to be an action star half his age again. It's a shame. Really. Darn.
In Famous People News:
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have fi.........................blghahhgghhsh.
Looking at December's Movie Calender
December 1 brings us "The Nativity Story." Cast as Mary, the mother of Jesus, is a 17-year-old unmarried pregnant woman. Market around that aspect of it, bitches.
December 8 has the new film from Mel Gibson, "Apocalypto," which is about the collapse of the Mayan society and is apparently a parable about corruption of U.S. culture as it collapses into fundamentalist religious insanity. I least that's what I got from the plot outline, but I've been known to read these things wrong.
December 15 brings the new Will Smith film, "The Pursuit of Happiness," the poster for which is so inspirational it makes me want to run over orphans with my car. Also opening is "Eragon" which I've heard is some shit about dragons. Let me ask you a question, right out: Has there ever been a movie about dragons that has been anything more than mediocre? I'll let you think about that one.
December 22 brings us "Rocky Balboa" and our culture's official return to the 1980s.
December 25 brings "Dreamgirls," which tells a fictionalized account of Diana Ross and the Supremes and stars Beyonce Knowles and Jamie Foxx and...Eddie Murphy? Didn't he die?
Thursday, November 2, 2006
The Drone List
Superman is Rereleased
Time Warner will be releasing a director's cut of "Superman II," with original director Richard Donner piecing together his vision for the film with test footage and deleted scenes, subtracting most of the footage shot by substitute director Richard Lester. Few points of interest here: Richard Donner could not direct his way out of a paper sack, having helmed not only "Goonies" and "Scrooged" but also directed and produced the entire "Lethal Weapon" series, including parts 3 and 4, as well as two other Mel Gibson movies, a Sylvester Stallone film and a Michael Crichton adaptation. On top of that, most of the footage he plans to add does not match the existing footage. Also the whole thing reeks of a shameless marketing ploy to promote the DVD release of "Superman Returns," and "Superman II" just kind of sucks anyway.
In Other Superhero News:
Ben Affleck has stated he will never play another superhero after his experience with the film "Daredevil." Now if he will only swear off every other kind of film role we'll be on to something good and I won't have to feel like ripping my own eyes out of my head every time I see that smug fucking face of his and have to be reminded that he earns millions of dollars doing a substandard job in a profession a fucking child can succeed in. Honestly, show of hands, who here would rather watch someone set an infant on fire than see a new Ben Affleck film?
On the Music Scene:
Kevin Federline released his first album, "Playing with Fire." Apparently it sucks and nobody likes it and somehow this is news.
At the Box Office:
"Saw III" topped the box office this week for no real reason. Do people just not have the ability to engage in rational thought when they go to the theater? "Well, the first one was okay and the second one kind of sucked, and the whole concept of the film is kind of morally idiotic and the plot is not plausible when subjected to even the most lenient standards and none of the actors or filmmakers are that good. HOT SHIT, THIS I GOTTA SEE!"
Time Warner will be releasing a director's cut of "Superman II," with original director Richard Donner piecing together his vision for the film with test footage and deleted scenes, subtracting most of the footage shot by substitute director Richard Lester. Few points of interest here: Richard Donner could not direct his way out of a paper sack, having helmed not only "Goonies" and "Scrooged" but also directed and produced the entire "Lethal Weapon" series, including parts 3 and 4, as well as two other Mel Gibson movies, a Sylvester Stallone film and a Michael Crichton adaptation. On top of that, most of the footage he plans to add does not match the existing footage. Also the whole thing reeks of a shameless marketing ploy to promote the DVD release of "Superman Returns," and "Superman II" just kind of sucks anyway.
In Other Superhero News:
Ben Affleck has stated he will never play another superhero after his experience with the film "Daredevil." Now if he will only swear off every other kind of film role we'll be on to something good and I won't have to feel like ripping my own eyes out of my head every time I see that smug fucking face of his and have to be reminded that he earns millions of dollars doing a substandard job in a profession a fucking child can succeed in. Honestly, show of hands, who here would rather watch someone set an infant on fire than see a new Ben Affleck film?
On the Music Scene:
Kevin Federline released his first album, "Playing with Fire." Apparently it sucks and nobody likes it and somehow this is news.
At the Box Office:
"Saw III" topped the box office this week for no real reason. Do people just not have the ability to engage in rational thought when they go to the theater? "Well, the first one was okay and the second one kind of sucked, and the whole concept of the film is kind of morally idiotic and the plot is not plausible when subjected to even the most lenient standards and none of the actors or filmmakers are that good. HOT SHIT, THIS I GOTTA SEE!"
Friday, October 20, 2006
My Own Private Hell, With Jokes
Guess What!
Did you know that one of Laurence Fishburn's first significant acting roles was as Cowboy Curtis on "Pee-Wee's Playhouse"? The man went from "Apocalypse Now" to "The Matrix" and in between played a cowboy on a children's show that starred a porn addict and featured a talking chair. This really isn't news, but it's been bugging me so I figured I would throw it out there.
Opening Today:
"Flags of Our Fathers," a film about the famous Iwo Jima flag-raising photo, subject matter so moving and patriotic that it makes me want to shove my head in a bucket of boiling water.
"Flicka." (Disturbingly hot adolescent girl+horse)/family ranch in trouble= I will cut off my own dick before I would willing see this movie.
"The Prestige": Because you can never have too much of 19th century magicians in a single film-going year.
"Running with Scissors." Is anyone else made unaccountably uncomfortable by the poster for this film?
"Marie Antoinette," in which Kirsten Dunst gets all crazy French decadent with her bad self before some wacky revolutionaries cut her head off. I am so there.
Top at the Box Office This Week:
1. "The Grudge 2," which concerns an American film studio that has convinced an occasionally talented Japanese director to direct watered down remakes of his own films so as to shamelessly cash in on the Asian horror trend.
2. "The Departed," which will go down as the best film of the year that I care absolutely nothing about.
3. "Man of the Year." It's a comedy! With Robin Williams! Those two statements cannot coexist in a rational world!
4. "Open Season": Testing the limits of how many CGI films involving domesticated animals lost in the wild the market can support.
5. "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning." Why must everything I love be tied to the back of a truck and drug through a field of shit for the amusement of others?
6. "The Marine," which looks like they took a bunch of random action film plots and played Boggle with them until something resembling a movie came out. Christ, you would almost think this was being produced by the WWE. Wait...fuck.
7. "The Guardian." Kevin Costner in an action film about the Coast Guard. Are we actually regressing back into the 1980s? Has anyone told Duran Duran yet? Comeback tour, baby, I'm telling you.
8. "Employee of the Month." I'm boycotting this movie as it's just perpetuating the awful rumor that Dane Cook is actually funny.
9. "One Night with the King." Where the fuck did this come from? Tells the story of Esther, who becomes the queen of Persia after who gives a flying fuck. Fox cashes in on Christianity by making Bible stories on the cheap.
10. "Jackass Number Two." Oh, I get it. The title is a poop joke. How clever.
Did you know that one of Laurence Fishburn's first significant acting roles was as Cowboy Curtis on "Pee-Wee's Playhouse"? The man went from "Apocalypse Now" to "The Matrix" and in between played a cowboy on a children's show that starred a porn addict and featured a talking chair. This really isn't news, but it's been bugging me so I figured I would throw it out there.
Opening Today:
"Flags of Our Fathers," a film about the famous Iwo Jima flag-raising photo, subject matter so moving and patriotic that it makes me want to shove my head in a bucket of boiling water.
"Flicka." (Disturbingly hot adolescent girl+horse)/family ranch in trouble= I will cut off my own dick before I would willing see this movie.
"The Prestige": Because you can never have too much of 19th century magicians in a single film-going year.
"Running with Scissors." Is anyone else made unaccountably uncomfortable by the poster for this film?
"Marie Antoinette," in which Kirsten Dunst gets all crazy French decadent with her bad self before some wacky revolutionaries cut her head off. I am so there.
Top at the Box Office This Week:
1. "The Grudge 2," which concerns an American film studio that has convinced an occasionally talented Japanese director to direct watered down remakes of his own films so as to shamelessly cash in on the Asian horror trend.
2. "The Departed," which will go down as the best film of the year that I care absolutely nothing about.
3. "Man of the Year." It's a comedy! With Robin Williams! Those two statements cannot coexist in a rational world!
4. "Open Season": Testing the limits of how many CGI films involving domesticated animals lost in the wild the market can support.
5. "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning." Why must everything I love be tied to the back of a truck and drug through a field of shit for the amusement of others?
6. "The Marine," which looks like they took a bunch of random action film plots and played Boggle with them until something resembling a movie came out. Christ, you would almost think this was being produced by the WWE. Wait...fuck.
7. "The Guardian." Kevin Costner in an action film about the Coast Guard. Are we actually regressing back into the 1980s? Has anyone told Duran Duran yet? Comeback tour, baby, I'm telling you.
8. "Employee of the Month." I'm boycotting this movie as it's just perpetuating the awful rumor that Dane Cook is actually funny.
9. "One Night with the King." Where the fuck did this come from? Tells the story of Esther, who becomes the queen of Persia after who gives a flying fuck. Fox cashes in on Christianity by making Bible stories on the cheap.
10. "Jackass Number Two." Oh, I get it. The title is a poop joke. How clever.
Monday, October 9, 2006
I Will Never Laugh Again
God Wills That it Will Suck
The budget for the upcoming film "Evan Almighty" has skyrocketed to an estimated $175 million, making it the most expensive comedy ever filmed. That's right, a studio is actually spending enough money to keep 4,375 families fed and clothed for a year on a sequel to "Bruce Almighty." Doesn't that just kind of make you want to bash your own head in with a brick? I'm not kidding. This news story has given me an honest desire to take a brick in my right hand and bring it down hard on my own cranium over and over again for as long as I am capable of doing it. Because there is no irony left in the world. None. This news story has officially killed irony.
News in the News
Dan Rather stated recently in an interview that major media outlets often cave into political and marketing pressure when deciding what news to cover and how to cover it. Thanks for the fuckin' story, Dan. We hadn't guessed. In an unrelated story, former FCC Chairman Reed Hundt stated that Rupert Murdoch exerts an unusual amount of control over the editorial content of Fox News and his other media companies. No goddamned shit, dude, really? Fox News is actually the American arm of a massive corporate-conservative propaganda machine controlled with an iron fist by a ruthless capitalist billionaire who has stated on record that he is willing to sell his version of reality to the highest bidder? You must be 'shrooming. Honestly though, is it like Obvious Day or something? Did I miss the memo?
Guess What!
Did you hear that Jada Pinkett Smith started a heavy metal band? No shit dude, I looked it up on Google. Do you know what they're called? They're called Wicked Wisdom. I am not kidding. Irony is dead.
The budget for the upcoming film "Evan Almighty" has skyrocketed to an estimated $175 million, making it the most expensive comedy ever filmed. That's right, a studio is actually spending enough money to keep 4,375 families fed and clothed for a year on a sequel to "Bruce Almighty." Doesn't that just kind of make you want to bash your own head in with a brick? I'm not kidding. This news story has given me an honest desire to take a brick in my right hand and bring it down hard on my own cranium over and over again for as long as I am capable of doing it. Because there is no irony left in the world. None. This news story has officially killed irony.
News in the News
Dan Rather stated recently in an interview that major media outlets often cave into political and marketing pressure when deciding what news to cover and how to cover it. Thanks for the fuckin' story, Dan. We hadn't guessed. In an unrelated story, former FCC Chairman Reed Hundt stated that Rupert Murdoch exerts an unusual amount of control over the editorial content of Fox News and his other media companies. No goddamned shit, dude, really? Fox News is actually the American arm of a massive corporate-conservative propaganda machine controlled with an iron fist by a ruthless capitalist billionaire who has stated on record that he is willing to sell his version of reality to the highest bidder? You must be 'shrooming. Honestly though, is it like Obvious Day or something? Did I miss the memo?
Guess What!
Did you hear that Jada Pinkett Smith started a heavy metal band? No shit dude, I looked it up on Google. Do you know what they're called? They're called Wicked Wisdom. I am not kidding. Irony is dead.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Jackass Number Two," because apparently there is still endless appeal in watching Johnny Knoxville get hit in the balls by a hammer-wielding midget.
2. "Fearless," which is reported to be Jet Li's final action film before moving on to an acting career.
3. "The Gridiron Gang," which is ANOTHER GODDAMNED FORMULIAC PSUEDO-INSPIRATIONAL MOVIE ABOUT FOOTBALL I MEAN JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I DO NOT GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT SPORTS!
4. "Flyboys," which tells the story of some computer generated action scenes during WWI that are occasionally interrupted by a plot.
5. "Everyone's Hero," the film that even the death of director Christopher Reeve could not stop. Well, I can see how this could be good, I mean WHAT? IT'S AN INPIRATIONAL MOVIE ABOUT BASEBALL? FUCK YOU REEVE, YOU DEAD SON OF A BITCH!
6. "The Black Dahlia," which is directed by Brian De Palma. In a risky move, De Palma decided to ditch the entire story and just film actors exchanging meaningful glances in between rapid jump cuts and explosions of violence.
7. "All the Kings Men," which is the adaptation of the classic Robert Penn Warren novel, has a wonderful cast and a stylish director, and would certainly be an Oscar contender this year were it not marred by the fact that it apparently totally sucks monkey balls.
8. "The Illusionist." Bad accents! Fake beards! Magic! No wonder it's a hit!
9. "The Covenant," which is some shit to do with warlocks and was directed by the man who brought us "Cliffhanger" and "Deep Blue Sea." Yeah, this is real high on my list. Get to it right after I take up yoga. And go scuba diving. And rip out my own toenails with a pair of pliers. And set myself on fire.
10. "Little Miss Sunshine." Steve Carell with a beard. That statement sums up my feelings about this movie. It's up to you to decode them.
2. "Fearless," which is reported to be Jet Li's final action film before moving on to an acting career.
3. "The Gridiron Gang," which is ANOTHER GODDAMNED FORMULIAC PSUEDO-INSPIRATIONAL MOVIE ABOUT FOOTBALL I MEAN JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I DO NOT GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT SPORTS!
4. "Flyboys," which tells the story of some computer generated action scenes during WWI that are occasionally interrupted by a plot.
5. "Everyone's Hero," the film that even the death of director Christopher Reeve could not stop. Well, I can see how this could be good, I mean WHAT? IT'S AN INPIRATIONAL MOVIE ABOUT BASEBALL? FUCK YOU REEVE, YOU DEAD SON OF A BITCH!
6. "The Black Dahlia," which is directed by Brian De Palma. In a risky move, De Palma decided to ditch the entire story and just film actors exchanging meaningful glances in between rapid jump cuts and explosions of violence.
7. "All the Kings Men," which is the adaptation of the classic Robert Penn Warren novel, has a wonderful cast and a stylish director, and would certainly be an Oscar contender this year were it not marred by the fact that it apparently totally sucks monkey balls.
8. "The Illusionist." Bad accents! Fake beards! Magic! No wonder it's a hit!
9. "The Covenant," which is some shit to do with warlocks and was directed by the man who brought us "Cliffhanger" and "Deep Blue Sea." Yeah, this is real high on my list. Get to it right after I take up yoga. And go scuba diving. And rip out my own toenails with a pair of pliers. And set myself on fire.
10. "Little Miss Sunshine." Steve Carell with a beard. That statement sums up my feelings about this movie. It's up to you to decode them.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Things That Cause Terrorism
Jingotastic
A lot of controversy has surrounded the ABC miniseries "The Path to 9/11," which apparently depicts Democratic senators pissing on Ground Zero and George W. Bush single-handedly strangling Osama Bin Laden. It's good to know the self-deception and jingoistic spirit that followed the 2001 terrorist attacks is still alive and well in America.
The Special Ingredient in Coke
Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston have HOLY SHIT I'M TURNING INTO A LEMUR!
Happens All the Time
Apparently the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel has been deemed "suspicious" by authorities. So a 20-year-old man suddenly dies from a massive heart attack and all the sudden it's a criminal matter? What's this world coming to?
A lot of controversy has surrounded the ABC miniseries "The Path to 9/11," which apparently depicts Democratic senators pissing on Ground Zero and George W. Bush single-handedly strangling Osama Bin Laden. It's good to know the self-deception and jingoistic spirit that followed the 2001 terrorist attacks is still alive and well in America.
The Special Ingredient in Coke
Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston have HOLY SHIT I'M TURNING INTO A LEMUR!
Happens All the Time
Apparently the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel has been deemed "suspicious" by authorities. So a 20-year-old man suddenly dies from a massive heart attack and all the sudden it's a criminal matter? What's this world coming to?
Thursday, September 7, 2006
Random Things
In News News
Katie Couric's first major story for the CBS Evening News was the first photograph of Suri Cruise to be released for the public. The photo will appear on an upcoming cover of Vanity Fair. Wait a sec, could someone tell me where all the news stories produced for grown-ups are? This is it? Fuck.
This Art is Shit
By the way, did you hear about that artist in New York who made a bronze representation of Suri Cruise's first solid stool? I understand that this is satire of a sorts, something about society's sick celebrity fetish, but you know someone is going to pay $25,000 for that thing and I'll just want to bash my head against a concrete wall until I can no longer retain new memories.
Guess What!
Mike Judge's new film, "Idiocracy," was given a limited release on September 1 and received about as much fanfare as a new Foghat tour. So let me get this straight: "Snakes on a Plane" arrives in theaters with loads of publicity and bales of unnecessary critical analysis despite having little going for it other than its title, while one of America's greatest satirist releases a new film and it passes like a fart in the wind? These are the kinds of things that make me want to hurt small, defenseless animals.
Katie Couric's first major story for the CBS Evening News was the first photograph of Suri Cruise to be released for the public. The photo will appear on an upcoming cover of Vanity Fair. Wait a sec, could someone tell me where all the news stories produced for grown-ups are? This is it? Fuck.
This Art is Shit
By the way, did you hear about that artist in New York who made a bronze representation of Suri Cruise's first solid stool? I understand that this is satire of a sorts, something about society's sick celebrity fetish, but you know someone is going to pay $25,000 for that thing and I'll just want to bash my head against a concrete wall until I can no longer retain new memories.
Guess What!
Mike Judge's new film, "Idiocracy," was given a limited release on September 1 and received about as much fanfare as a new Foghat tour. So let me get this straight: "Snakes on a Plane" arrives in theaters with loads of publicity and bales of unnecessary critical analysis despite having little going for it other than its title, while one of America's greatest satirist releases a new film and it passes like a fart in the wind? These are the kinds of things that make me want to hurt small, defenseless animals.
Friday, September 1, 2006
Top At the Box Office This Week
1. "Invincible," which tells the true story of a Philadelphia Eagles fan who enters an open tryout and whose dreams come true when he is selected to play for the team. Tragedy strikes when 30 years later his story is filmed as a hackneyed piece of Disney inspirational sports movie bullshit starring Mark Wahlberg.
2. "Talladega Nights: The Story of Ricky Bobby" stars Will Ferrell as a NASCAR driver. Which basically just lays out the whole thing for you right there.
3. "Little Miss Sunshine" is about.... Alan Arkin as a heroin addict? Okay, that sounds pretty cool.
4. "Beerfest" is a movie about some guys who like to drink and act like idiots. There is no actual film, just a giant mirror held up at the expected audience during each screening.
5. "World Trade Center" is the movie that shows us the inspirational, heroic side of the 9/11 tragedy so often passed over by other storytellers in the wake of the events. It's directed by Oliver Stone as he pathetically grasps for the last shreds of respect available to him.
6. "Accepted," in which a high school slacker has his ignorance and slovenly behavior rewarded after starting his own college. Anybody remember the film "Camp Nowhere"? I didn't think so.
7. "Snakes on a Plane." No, really, why is this movie important? No, really. I mean it. Why?
8. "Step Up" is some shit about a dance school. What, couldn't do something about spelling bees? Maybe throw in a FBI agent infiltrating a beauty pageant?
9. "Idlewild," in which OutKast makes a musical that is one half "Moulin Rouge" and one half a movie staring rap stars. Did this at any point sound like a good idea to anyone?
10. "Barnyard." No. Fucking. Way.
2. "Talladega Nights: The Story of Ricky Bobby" stars Will Ferrell as a NASCAR driver. Which basically just lays out the whole thing for you right there.
3. "Little Miss Sunshine" is about.... Alan Arkin as a heroin addict? Okay, that sounds pretty cool.
4. "Beerfest" is a movie about some guys who like to drink and act like idiots. There is no actual film, just a giant mirror held up at the expected audience during each screening.
5. "World Trade Center" is the movie that shows us the inspirational, heroic side of the 9/11 tragedy so often passed over by other storytellers in the wake of the events. It's directed by Oliver Stone as he pathetically grasps for the last shreds of respect available to him.
6. "Accepted," in which a high school slacker has his ignorance and slovenly behavior rewarded after starting his own college. Anybody remember the film "Camp Nowhere"? I didn't think so.
7. "Snakes on a Plane." No, really, why is this movie important? No, really. I mean it. Why?
8. "Step Up" is some shit about a dance school. What, couldn't do something about spelling bees? Maybe throw in a FBI agent infiltrating a beauty pageant?
9. "Idlewild," in which OutKast makes a musical that is one half "Moulin Rouge" and one half a movie staring rap stars. Did this at any point sound like a good idea to anyone?
10. "Barnyard." No. Fucking. Way.
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