Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "Jackass Number Two," because apparently there is still endless appeal in watching Johnny Knoxville get hit in the balls by a hammer-wielding midget.

2. "Fearless," which is reported to be Jet Li's final action film before moving on to an acting career.

3. "The Gridiron Gang," which is ANOTHER GODDAMNED FORMULIAC PSUEDO-INSPIRATIONAL MOVIE ABOUT FOOTBALL I MEAN JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I DO NOT GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT SPORTS!

4. "Flyboys," which tells the story of some computer generated action scenes during WWI that are occasionally interrupted by a plot.

5. "Everyone's Hero," the film that even the death of director Christopher Reeve could not stop. Well, I can see how this could be good, I mean WHAT? IT'S AN INPIRATIONAL MOVIE ABOUT BASEBALL? FUCK YOU REEVE, YOU DEAD SON OF A BITCH!

6. "The Black Dahlia," which is directed by Brian De Palma. In a risky move, De Palma decided to ditch the entire story and just film actors exchanging meaningful glances in between rapid jump cuts and explosions of violence.

7. "All the Kings Men," which is the adaptation of the classic Robert Penn Warren novel, has a wonderful cast and a stylish director, and would certainly be an Oscar contender this year were it not marred by the fact that it apparently totally sucks monkey balls.

8. "The Illusionist." Bad accents! Fake beards! Magic! No wonder it's a hit!

9. "The Covenant," which is some shit to do with warlocks and was directed by the man who brought us "Cliffhanger" and "Deep Blue Sea." Yeah, this is real high on my list. Get to it right after I take up yoga. And go scuba diving. And rip out my own toenails with a pair of pliers. And set myself on fire.

10. "Little Miss Sunshine." Steve Carell with a beard. That statement sums up my feelings about this movie. It's up to you to decode them.

Things That Cause Terrorism

Jingotastic
A lot of controversy has surrounded the ABC miniseries "The Path to 9/11," which apparently depicts Democratic senators pissing on Ground Zero and George W. Bush single-handedly strangling Osama Bin Laden. It's good to know the self-deception and jingoistic spirit that followed the 2001 terrorist attacks is still alive and well in America.

The Special Ingredient in Coke
Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston have HOLY SHIT I'M TURNING INTO A LEMUR!

Happens All the Time
Apparently the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel has been deemed "suspicious" by authorities. So a 20-year-old man suddenly dies from a massive heart attack and all the sudden it's a criminal matter? What's this world coming to?

Random Things

In News News
Katie Couric's first major story for the CBS Evening News was the first photograph of Suri Cruise to be released for the public. The photo will appear on an upcoming cover of Vanity Fair. Wait a sec, could someone tell me where all the news stories produced for grown-ups are? This is it? Fuck.

This Art is Shit
By the way, did you hear about that artist in New York who made a bronze representation of Suri Cruise's first solid stool? I understand that this is satire of a sorts, something about society's sick celebrity fetish, but you know someone is going to pay $25,000 for that thing and I'll just want to bash my head against a concrete wall until I can no longer retain new memories.

Guess What!
Mike Judge's new film, "Idiocracy," was given a limited release on September 1 and received about as much fanfare as a new Foghat tour. So let me get this straight: "Snakes on a Plane" arrives in theaters with loads of publicity and bales of unnecessary critical analysis despite having little going for it other than its title, while one of America's greatest satirist releases a new film and it passes like a fart in the wind? These are the kinds of things that make me want to hurt small, defenseless animals.

Top At the Box Office This Week

1. "Invincible," which tells the true story of a Philadelphia Eagles fan who enters an open tryout and whose dreams come true when he is selected to play for the team. Tragedy strikes when 30 years later his story is filmed as a hackneyed piece of Disney inspirational sports movie bullshit starring Mark Wahlberg.

2. "Talladega Nights: The Story of Ricky Bobby" stars Will Ferrell as a NASCAR driver. Which basically just lays out the whole thing for you right there.

3. "Little Miss Sunshine" is about.... Alan Arkin as a heroin addict? Okay, that sounds pretty cool.

4. "Beerfest" is a movie about some guys who like to drink and act like idiots. There is no actual film, just a giant mirror held up at the expected audience during each screening.

5. "World Trade Center" is the movie that shows us the inspirational, heroic side of the 9/11 tragedy so often passed over by other storytellers in the wake of the events. It's directed by Oliver Stone as he pathetically grasps for the last shreds of respect available to him.

6. "Accepted," in which a high school slacker has his ignorance and slovenly behavior rewarded after starting his own college. Anybody remember the film "Camp Nowhere"? I didn't think so.

7. "Snakes on a Plane." No, really, why is this movie important? No, really. I mean it. Why?

8. "Step Up" is some shit about a dance school. What, couldn't do something about spelling bees? Maybe throw in a FBI agent infiltrating a beauty pageant?

9. "Idlewild," in which OutKast makes a musical that is one half "Moulin Rouge" and one half a movie staring rap stars. Did this at any point sound like a good idea to anyone?

10. "Barnyard." No. Fucking. Way.

Popular People Saying Things

Do You Think This Will Hurt His Career?
Paramount has ended a production deal with Tom Cruise due to his personal behavior. Apparently just being a shitty actor who is obscenely overpaid wasn't enough. Jerry Bruckheimer has stood up to defend Cruise, saying he is "still one of the biggest stars in the world" as if the opinion of the man brought us "Kangaroo Jack" counts for absolutely anything.

Fat Guy Stands Up for Jews
Rob Reiner has called upon Mel Gibson to apologize for the film "The Passion of the Christ" on the grounds that it's anti-Semitic. In response, I have called upon Rob Reiner to apologize for every movie he made between 1997 and 2005, on the grounds that they were shit.

What a Bitch
Fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld has criticized Jessica Simpson and Pete Doherty as having no taste or style (thanks for the news flash, boy-o). For the record, Lagerfeld is part of the fashion movement that has single-handedly advanced one of the most disgusting, unhealthy and insidious images of female sexuality in human history.

Kids Drink the Darndest Things

In Dead Child News
A former schoolteacher was arrested in Thailand in association with the JonBenet OHHMYGOD MY BRAIN IS EXPLODING AGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

In Living Child News
Millions of people are wondering what has become of the demon offspring of Tom Cruise and his brood mare, Katie Holmes. Some tabloids have even speculated that the child might be disfigured. That anyone really wants to, or believes they have any right to see this child does not bode well for us as a species.

In Former Child News
Haley Joel Osment was charged with drunk driving and drug possession. The charges are related to the child star's car crash last month. Much like Mel Gibson's famous outburst, Osment had a few interesting things to tell the police upon their arrival to the crash, particularly: "HOLY SHIT MY RIBS ARE BROKEN, JESUS CHRIST CALL AN AMBULANCE!"

Comings and Goings

One Down
Rob Schneider has announced that he will never work with Mel Gibson, following Gibson's recent anti-Semitic remarks during a DUI arrest. Many agree that this is a positive step for Schneider, bringing him closer to the day in which he will no longer work with anyone ever again.

Guess What, Internet:
"Snakes on a Plane" is going to suck, and you know it deep in your empty little blogger heart.

Coming Soon:
September 1 brings us a Hollywood remake of "The Wicker Man," starring Nicolas DEAR GOD WHY WON'T HE JUST STOP Cage. "DOA: Dead or Alive" opens on September 8, bringing another goddamned video game adaptation to the big screen and sending obsessive fan boys up in arms over the casting or some such useless bullshit, even though you know those nerdy fuckers will be jacking off to the female stars and their skimpy costumes, crying as they do it over what sad, wasted little lives they lead. September 22 starts with another "Jackass" movie, which brings the endless appeal of watching Johnny Knoxville being whacked in the balls back to the silver screen.

Booze is Good Food

In Crazy Drunkard News
Mel Gibson has apologized for anti-Semitic remarks made during is arrest for drunk driving, stating HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO FUNNY YOU'VE GOT TO HEAR THIS "Please know from my heart that I am not an anti-Semite. I am not a bigot." HAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT A FUCKING RETARD! Gibson also apologized for the sexist remarks he made during the arrest YOU CALLED A POLICEWOMAN "SUGAR TITS" DURING YOUR ARREST! GOOD WORK THERE, BRAINIAC, YOU'RE LUCKY YOU DIDN'T END UP WITH A BILLY CLUB SHOVED UP YOUR ASS. After the incident, ABC announced they were dropping an mini-series produced by Gibson's production company that was to take place during the Holocaust THANK YOU MERCIFUL GOD though in a statement from the network the reason for dropping the project was that it had been two years and no finished script had been presented CREATIVE JUICES NOT FLOWING FOR YOU MEL? SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME THINKING THOSE DISGUSTING GAY JOKES YOU'RE ALWAYS MAKING, PERHAPS? I HOPE YOU CHOKE.

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You
Will Ferrell as a race car driver, Robin Williams as an unfunny DJ, a group of unknown actresses as horror movie slaughter-fodder and Kevin James in an animated film that apparently went all the way through production without anyone realizing that male cows do not have udders.

Gay People, Trailer Trash and Crappy Cinema

Liberace Would be Shocked
Former 'N Sync member Lance Bass has announced to the surprise of absolutely no one that he is a homosexual. Could someone explain to me why this is news?

Who?
Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are engaged to be married, a union so inherently comical it defies anyone's ability to actually make a joke about it.

Opening Today
TV-to-film adaptations move into the 1980s with the release of "Miami Vice," and thus marking another moment in which I died a little inside. "John Tucker Must Die" also opens, a teen comedy that sounds as if it was cribbed from a MySpace message board and will probably pass through theaters like a fart in the wind.

Top at the Box Office:
Too depressing to even talk about.

The Death of Mirth

The Countdown to Liberation Day Continues
Jennifer Lopez turned 37 today, that much more of her wasted, parasitic life having now slipped away.

Nerd Alert
It was revealed at the latest Comic-Con that the "Spider-Man" franchise will not end with the upcoming third installment, much to the surprise of everyone who thought insanely popular things that make hundreds of millions of dollars would have no chance at longevity.

Funny Will Just Have to Take One More Hit for the Team
"Saturday Night Live" head writer Tina Fey is leaving the show to write and star in her own series. This would come as a major disappointment to fans of the SNL, if there were any. Her new show, "30 Rock," is being produced by Loren Michaels, the Dark Angel of Comedy, He Whose Very Touch Is The Purifying Antidote to All Which Brings Us Mirth.