Dead Famous People
As I'm sure you have all heard, many times from many different sources, Anna Nicole Smith was found dead recently. Apparently we are supposed to care about this. Apparently this is more important for us to know about than the fact that our country is gearing up to invade Iran while the Vice President has a good chance of being indicted and convicted of blowing a CIA agent's cover. Apparently we are all supposed to pretend that Anna Nicole Smith was a person of some value to our society, rather than a brain-dead, gold-digging leech. I don't mean to be insensitive...Okay, wait, actually I do. I could not possibly give less of a shit about her. She was a living monument to everything that is sick and wrong in our society. The only reason I'm not glad she's dead is that I'm not really that cruel of a person. Also, if she were still alive I would not have to deal with the insufferable, meaningless and over-hyped tabloid bullshit about her death.
Nothing Else On
The 2007 Grammy awards are on the way. A dozen award presentations scattered over three hours of shitty rock bands, forced and awkward duets and tired performances by bland, aging pop stars. Couldn't we just drop the pretense of this being an award ceremony and just call it a big, mainstream record company circle jerk that for some reason is being televised?
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
OSCARS!!!!!!!!!
Gold Statue Time
The Academy Award Nomina..........sorry, blacked out there for a sec. Here are the nominees for the top awards:
Best Picture:
1. "The Queen," which like the royalty it depicts is elegant, classy, and something that I do not even give the slightest bit of a fuck about.
2. "Babel" which as I have stated is one of the two best films of this year I will never, not even at knifepoint have any compelling desire to see.
3. "The Departed." This is the other.
4. "Letters from Iwo Jima," which is this year prerequisite Eastwood film.
5. "Little Miss Sunshine." HOW THE FUCK DID THIS END UP THERE? I mean I heard it was good, but WTF?
Best Director:
1. Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, "Babel." I do not care about this director on a profound level.
2. Martin Scorsese, "The Departed." I lost money on him a couple years ago and now I'm just totally pissed at him.
3. Clint Eastwood, "Letters from Iwo Jima." Why do all of Eastwood's recent films just make me want to OD on sedatives and slip into a nice, relaxed coma?
4. Stephan Frears, "The Queen." Snarky_comment_not_found.
5. Paul Greengrass, "United 93." Prerequisite Bold Choice.
Best Actor:
1. Leonardo DiCaprio, "Blood Diamond." Whoops, puked a little.
2. Ryan Gosling, "Half Nelson." Teacher. Drug Habit. Inner City. He's a shoe-in.
3. Peter O'Toole, "Venus." Have you seen the poster for this? O'Toole looks like one of the living dead.
4. Will SmitAHHHHHHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!
5. Forest Whitaker, "The Last King of Scotland." He plays Idi Amin? Cool.
Best Actress:
1. Penelope Cruz, "Volver." Some shit with a ghost. I totally missed it.
2. Judi Dench, "Notes on a Scandal." Is there some clause in Dench's contract that she has to be nominated for an Oscar no matter what she stars in?
3. Helen Mirren, "The Queen." AKA "The Simon Cowell Story."
4. Meryl whoop-de-fucking-doo Streep in some shit based on a crappy book.
5. Kate Winslet, "Little Children." Are they not even trying over there at the Academy?
Other Highlights:
An "American Idol" loser got nominated for Best Supporting Actress; A movie about dancing penguins got nominated for Best Animated Film; a film that was largely improvised was nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay; an honorary award is going to a man who used electric guitars to score westerns; Al Gore got nominated for an Oscar.
In Other News:
Members of the church's leadership recently called Tom Cruise the "Christ" of Scientology. Like Christ, Cruise has spread his beliefs across the land, has been unpopular with the majority religions and eventually will be nailed to a piece of wood in public, will descend into Hell and then will appear to his followers three days later in the form of ghostly visions. I am also coming to suspect that, like Jesus, Cruise is in fact just a figment of someone's imagination.
The Academy Award Nomina..........sorry, blacked out there for a sec. Here are the nominees for the top awards:
Best Picture:
1. "The Queen," which like the royalty it depicts is elegant, classy, and something that I do not even give the slightest bit of a fuck about.
2. "Babel" which as I have stated is one of the two best films of this year I will never, not even at knifepoint have any compelling desire to see.
3. "The Departed." This is the other.
4. "Letters from Iwo Jima," which is this year prerequisite Eastwood film.
5. "Little Miss Sunshine." HOW THE FUCK DID THIS END UP THERE? I mean I heard it was good, but WTF?
Best Director:
1. Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, "Babel." I do not care about this director on a profound level.
2. Martin Scorsese, "The Departed." I lost money on him a couple years ago and now I'm just totally pissed at him.
3. Clint Eastwood, "Letters from Iwo Jima." Why do all of Eastwood's recent films just make me want to OD on sedatives and slip into a nice, relaxed coma?
4. Stephan Frears, "The Queen." Snarky_comment_not_found.
5. Paul Greengrass, "United 93." Prerequisite Bold Choice.
Best Actor:
1. Leonardo DiCaprio, "Blood Diamond." Whoops, puked a little.
2. Ryan Gosling, "Half Nelson." Teacher. Drug Habit. Inner City. He's a shoe-in.
3. Peter O'Toole, "Venus." Have you seen the poster for this? O'Toole looks like one of the living dead.
4. Will SmitAHHHHHHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!
5. Forest Whitaker, "The Last King of Scotland." He plays Idi Amin? Cool.
Best Actress:
1. Penelope Cruz, "Volver." Some shit with a ghost. I totally missed it.
2. Judi Dench, "Notes on a Scandal." Is there some clause in Dench's contract that she has to be nominated for an Oscar no matter what she stars in?
3. Helen Mirren, "The Queen." AKA "The Simon Cowell Story."
4. Meryl whoop-de-fucking-doo Streep in some shit based on a crappy book.
5. Kate Winslet, "Little Children." Are they not even trying over there at the Academy?
Other Highlights:
An "American Idol" loser got nominated for Best Supporting Actress; A movie about dancing penguins got nominated for Best Animated Film; a film that was largely improvised was nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay; an honorary award is going to a man who used electric guitars to score westerns; Al Gore got nominated for an Oscar.
In Other News:
Members of the church's leadership recently called Tom Cruise the "Christ" of Scientology. Like Christ, Cruise has spread his beliefs across the land, has been unpopular with the majority religions and eventually will be nailed to a piece of wood in public, will descend into Hell and then will appear to his followers three days later in the form of ghostly visions. I am also coming to suspect that, like Jesus, Cruise is in fact just a figment of someone's imagination.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Pretty People, Ugly Souls
Romance Abounds
Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz have confirmed that I don't give a shit. It is rumored that Scarlett Johansson who really gives a flying fuck?
Hail Oprah
On an upcoming Oprah special, three Oscar winners will interview their favorite Oscar winners in a big, fat Hollywood circle jerk of fun. Julia Roberts chose to interview George Clooney, Nicole Kidman chose fellow Australian nutcase Russell Crowe and Jamie Foxx chose to interview Sidney Poitier. So let me get this straight: Roberts and Kidman chose to talk to a pair of Hollywood heartthrobs while Foxx chose to speak to a highly respected actor and a civil rights hero. There is some kind of painful disparity here that I just can't seem to put into words.
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Night at the Museum," which is about a dim witted security guard working in a museum in which the displays come to holy living fuck does this sound inane.
2. "The Pursuit of Happyness" which is the inspirational film with the spelling error in the title and a concept so heartwarming I just want to step on something small and defenseless.
3. "Children of Men." Apparently one of the best films of the year with a cool sci-fi concept that might actually get my ass over to the video store once it comes out on DVD (it takes a hell of a lot to get me to the theaters these days).
4. "Freedom Writers" Hilary Swank stars in another entry in an exhausting series of films about teachers who inspire troubled students to make something of their lives but generally inspire me to bore into my own skull with a power drill.
5. "Dreamgirls," which has garnered a lot of mass-produced hype and is looking at getting some awards this year despite the fact that the filmmakers decided to stick to the classic Motown tradition of prefabricated, factory created hits that tend to sound a lot alike over time.
6. "Happily N'Ever After," which is like the "Shrek" films, minus the humor, originality, entertainment value and irritating voice talent. Okay, so that last one is a positive, but it still doesn't make me want to see this piece of shit.
7. "Charlotte's Web," which is kind of creeping me the fuck out, the more I think about it.
8. "The Good Shepherd," which is about the CIA and directed by Robert De Niro and has Angelina Jolie (who makes me a little uncomfortable) and sounds kind of boring so I can see why it's a hit.
9. "Rocky Balboa," which has been pretty successful and has garnered some critical acclaim, which is making me start to think that I've stepped into Opposite World, where good is bad and bad is good.
10. "We Are Marshall," because we all know that Football + Tragedy = Overcoming Adversity = Inspirational Filmmaking = I Would Rather Pull Out My Own Toenails With A Rusty Pair of Pliers Than Go To See This.
Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz have confirmed that I don't give a shit. It is rumored that Scarlett Johansson who really gives a flying fuck?
Hail Oprah
On an upcoming Oprah special, three Oscar winners will interview their favorite Oscar winners in a big, fat Hollywood circle jerk of fun. Julia Roberts chose to interview George Clooney, Nicole Kidman chose fellow Australian nutcase Russell Crowe and Jamie Foxx chose to interview Sidney Poitier. So let me get this straight: Roberts and Kidman chose to talk to a pair of Hollywood heartthrobs while Foxx chose to speak to a highly respected actor and a civil rights hero. There is some kind of painful disparity here that I just can't seem to put into words.
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Night at the Museum," which is about a dim witted security guard working in a museum in which the displays come to holy living fuck does this sound inane.
2. "The Pursuit of Happyness" which is the inspirational film with the spelling error in the title and a concept so heartwarming I just want to step on something small and defenseless.
3. "Children of Men." Apparently one of the best films of the year with a cool sci-fi concept that might actually get my ass over to the video store once it comes out on DVD (it takes a hell of a lot to get me to the theaters these days).
4. "Freedom Writers" Hilary Swank stars in another entry in an exhausting series of films about teachers who inspire troubled students to make something of their lives but generally inspire me to bore into my own skull with a power drill.
5. "Dreamgirls," which has garnered a lot of mass-produced hype and is looking at getting some awards this year despite the fact that the filmmakers decided to stick to the classic Motown tradition of prefabricated, factory created hits that tend to sound a lot alike over time.
6. "Happily N'Ever After," which is like the "Shrek" films, minus the humor, originality, entertainment value and irritating voice talent. Okay, so that last one is a positive, but it still doesn't make me want to see this piece of shit.
7. "Charlotte's Web," which is kind of creeping me the fuck out, the more I think about it.
8. "The Good Shepherd," which is about the CIA and directed by Robert De Niro and has Angelina Jolie (who makes me a little uncomfortable) and sounds kind of boring so I can see why it's a hit.
9. "Rocky Balboa," which has been pretty successful and has garnered some critical acclaim, which is making me start to think that I've stepped into Opposite World, where good is bad and bad is good.
10. "We Are Marshall," because we all know that Football + Tragedy = Overcoming Adversity = Inspirational Filmmaking = I Would Rather Pull Out My Own Toenails With A Rusty Pair of Pliers Than Go To See This.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Total Mental Capacity of People Mentioned in This Post = nil
Dead Famous People
Gerald Ford, a former one-term, unelected U.S. president, recently died tragically at the tender age of 93. Doctors cited cause of death as being "he was really fucking old, what did you expect?" James Brown also passed into the netherworld this week, making the world that much less funky. By "less funky" we mean of course "containing one less drug abusing geriatric."
Crap Actor Buffet
Justin Timberlake apparently refused to take acting classes to prepare for his role in an upcoming film, "Alpha Dog," preferring to rely on lessons he received as a child. Half-forgotten tips from a decade ago and limited experience ought to put him right on level with co-stars Bruce Willis and Sharon Stone.
The End of an Era
The most popular Britney Spears fansite, WorldOfBritney.com, has closed down. The reason for the closure, according to the creators, is that Britney is "over," which is a little confusing to me as I've always thought that for something to be "over" it has to, you know, "begin."
Gerald Ford, a former one-term, unelected U.S. president, recently died tragically at the tender age of 93. Doctors cited cause of death as being "he was really fucking old, what did you expect?" James Brown also passed into the netherworld this week, making the world that much less funky. By "less funky" we mean of course "containing one less drug abusing geriatric."
Crap Actor Buffet
Justin Timberlake apparently refused to take acting classes to prepare for his role in an upcoming film, "Alpha Dog," preferring to rely on lessons he received as a child. Half-forgotten tips from a decade ago and limited experience ought to put him right on level with co-stars Bruce Willis and Sharon Stone.
The End of an Era
The most popular Britney Spears fansite, WorldOfBritney.com, has closed down. The reason for the closure, according to the creators, is that Britney is "over," which is a little confusing to me as I've always thought that for something to be "over" it has to, you know, "begin."
Friday, December 22, 2006
Celebrities Are Just So Awesome
Battlefield Earth Redux
Victoria Beckham has signed up for a role in a new film about Scientology that will be funded by Tom Cruise. The film, entitled "The Thetan," has reportedly been turned down by every major film studio. Ha? I'm sorry, but there is no joke or snide comment I can make about this story that will make it sound any more ridiculous than it already does. I mean it basically sounds like "The Passion of the Christ" without the built-in audience, it'll bomb something serious if it really does get released and will end up being nothing more than an artistic punch line for the rest of film history. If Tom Cruise weren't such a colossal douchbag, I'd almost feel sorry for him.
News Flash:
Britney Spears' vagina.
The Karma Strike Team Catches Up
So Judith Regan, the mastermind behind the "Maybe I Did Kill My Wife" O.J. Simpson shitfest of last month, was fired for some anti-Semitic remarks she apparently made. The obvious joke being that they needed an excuse to fire a soulless, immoral executive who is single handedly responsible for taking the publishing business to depths so abysmal they were starting to pound on the roof of Hell like a cranky upstairs neighbor.
Victoria Beckham has signed up for a role in a new film about Scientology that will be funded by Tom Cruise. The film, entitled "The Thetan," has reportedly been turned down by every major film studio. Ha? I'm sorry, but there is no joke or snide comment I can make about this story that will make it sound any more ridiculous than it already does. I mean it basically sounds like "The Passion of the Christ" without the built-in audience, it'll bomb something serious if it really does get released and will end up being nothing more than an artistic punch line for the rest of film history. If Tom Cruise weren't such a colossal douchbag, I'd almost feel sorry for him.
News Flash:
Britney Spears' vagina.
The Karma Strike Team Catches Up
So Judith Regan, the mastermind behind the "Maybe I Did Kill My Wife" O.J. Simpson shitfest of last month, was fired for some anti-Semitic remarks she apparently made. The obvious joke being that they needed an excuse to fire a soulless, immoral executive who is single handedly responsible for taking the publishing business to depths so abysmal they were starting to pound on the roof of Hell like a cranky upstairs neighbor.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Apocalypto," the new film from the drunken little anti-Semite who could. So Mel, maybe you can answer this for me, how do you say "I don't give a fuck" in Mayan?
2. "Happy Feet," which is about dancing...penguins. Dancing...penguins. Penguins...that dance. I swear to all merciful God there are not enough bell towers in the world.
3. "The Holiday," from the director of "Cookie Cutter Romantic Comedy in Which Jack Nicholson Tries to Bang Diane Keaton" and "Painfully Awful Romantic Comedy in Which Mel Gibson Tries to Bang Helen Hunt."
4. "Casino Royale." Bond is Back, and He's as Not Pierce Fucking Brosnan as Ever.
5. "Blood Diamond," an action film about an under-recognized, terrify aspect of the diamond industry that I don't really care all that much about. Somehow Leonardo DiCaprio just makes it impossible to take human suffering seriously. Especially with that accent.
6. "Déjà Vu." It stars Denzel Washington! It has a plot!
7. "Unaccompanied Minors," the film with the trailer that just sucks the soul right out of me.
8. "The Nativity Story," which tells the story of the birth of everyone's favorite fictional character, Jesus.
9. "Deck the Halls," which is about, I don't know, Christmas or something. Some stuff happens and it has Danny DeVito in it.
10. "The Santa Clause 3." Could you possibly think of a concept blander this film? It's like they found a way to convert spackle into a plot.
2. "Happy Feet," which is about dancing...penguins. Dancing...penguins. Penguins...that dance. I swear to all merciful God there are not enough bell towers in the world.
3. "The Holiday," from the director of "Cookie Cutter Romantic Comedy in Which Jack Nicholson Tries to Bang Diane Keaton" and "Painfully Awful Romantic Comedy in Which Mel Gibson Tries to Bang Helen Hunt."
4. "Casino Royale." Bond is Back, and He's as Not Pierce Fucking Brosnan as Ever.
5. "Blood Diamond," an action film about an under-recognized, terrify aspect of the diamond industry that I don't really care all that much about. Somehow Leonardo DiCaprio just makes it impossible to take human suffering seriously. Especially with that accent.
6. "Déjà Vu." It stars Denzel Washington! It has a plot!
7. "Unaccompanied Minors," the film with the trailer that just sucks the soul right out of me.
8. "The Nativity Story," which tells the story of the birth of everyone's favorite fictional character, Jesus.
9. "Deck the Halls," which is about, I don't know, Christmas or something. Some stuff happens and it has Danny DeVito in it.
10. "The Santa Clause 3." Could you possibly think of a concept blander this film? It's like they found a way to convert spackle into a plot.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Death, Magic and THAT Word
Guess the Slur and Win a $100
Former "Seinfeld" star Michael Richards has come under fire recently for making a racial slur during a stand-up routine in Los Angeles. The racial slur isn't nearly as astounding as the revelation that Michael Richards is still alive and people are paying to see him perform.
Dead Famous People
Director Robert Altman died recently at the age of 81 on Monday. Which sucks for him I guess. Also for his friends and family and cinema lovers worldwide, though when you think of it they all got the better end of the deal as they get to stay alive a little longer. It's good to keep these things in perspective. I guess I just have a little trouble feeling really bad when someone I didn't personally know dies, even if they made movies I loved. From highest to lowest, my death reaction hierarchy is as follows: Family, friends, pets, celebrities, fictional characters, anonymous Indonesian natural disaster victims.
Blainiacs
David Blaine is currently strapped to a gyroscope hanging over Times Square in New York City. WTF, dude? Can you go anywhere in Time Square these days without running into David Blaine doing some insane act? I think if he wanted to do something really astounding he should just give himself AIDS and then cure himself. That would impress me. None of this spinning around in mid-air shit. Or maybe that's the secret. Do you think? Have we tried strapping an AIDS victim to a gyroscope yet? Someone should look into that.
Former "Seinfeld" star Michael Richards has come under fire recently for making a racial slur during a stand-up routine in Los Angeles. The racial slur isn't nearly as astounding as the revelation that Michael Richards is still alive and people are paying to see him perform.
Dead Famous People
Director Robert Altman died recently at the age of 81 on Monday. Which sucks for him I guess. Also for his friends and family and cinema lovers worldwide, though when you think of it they all got the better end of the deal as they get to stay alive a little longer. It's good to keep these things in perspective. I guess I just have a little trouble feeling really bad when someone I didn't personally know dies, even if they made movies I loved. From highest to lowest, my death reaction hierarchy is as follows: Family, friends, pets, celebrities, fictional characters, anonymous Indonesian natural disaster victims.
Blainiacs
David Blaine is currently strapped to a gyroscope hanging over Times Square in New York City. WTF, dude? Can you go anywhere in Time Square these days without running into David Blaine doing some insane act? I think if he wanted to do something really astounding he should just give himself AIDS and then cure himself. That would impress me. None of this spinning around in mid-air shit. Or maybe that's the secret. Do you think? Have we tried strapping an AIDS victim to a gyroscope yet? Someone should look into that.
Friday, November 17, 2006
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Borat: Semi-Clever Subtitle I Don't Really Feel Like Typing Out," has topped the box office, proving that Americans can take a joke about themselves. That is until they find out there's money to be made and terms such as "mental anguish" start popping up in properly filed legal documents.
2. "The Santa Claus 3: Holy Living Fuck It Has Martin Short In It And People Are Still Going To See It I Cannot Believe This Film Has Earned Over $40 Million I Mean For The Love Of God It's A Tim Allen Christmas Film With Fucking Martin Short In It."
3. "Flushed Away." The only thing more trite than the plot of this film is the heinous punnery of the critics reviewing it. Wow. Clever you guys. You found a way to make a joke from the title "Flushed Away." That's just so funny it makes me want to vomit. Really. It makes me want to empty my stomach contents into a toilet until I dry heave. It's good to know we still have such a wonderful collection of film critics in this country that can come up with such clever insights such as "'Flushed Away' struggles with comedic flow'." Wow. Do I feel nauseas or what?
4. "Stranger Than Fiction." Will Ferrell aims for becoming a real actor, just like Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler before him. Fuck.
5. "Saw III." Does this still exist? Goddamnit
6. "Babel." One of the two best films of this year that I do not care anything at all about.
7. "The Departed." This is the other. Is it okay to say that I just don't care about Martin Scorsese all that much? I'm not saying he's bad, I just haven't been that interested in more than, say, three of his past twelve films.
8. "The Prestige." Those crazy magicians, still duking it out.
9. "The Return," which will be forever known as the supernatural thriller that starred Sara Michelle Geller that wasn't "The Grudge." Which is actually saying something in its favor.
10. "A Good Year." This would be a dull romantic comedy even if it weren't such an obvious PR effort from Russell Crow to downplay his occasional violent outbursts. And why the hell is Ridley Scott directing this? Here's a tip to all film producers: Instead of hiring Ridley Scott, just under-saturate every shot and tie the camera to an epileptic's head during a grand mal. That should match the effect perfectly.
2. "The Santa Claus 3: Holy Living Fuck It Has Martin Short In It And People Are Still Going To See It I Cannot Believe This Film Has Earned Over $40 Million I Mean For The Love Of God It's A Tim Allen Christmas Film With Fucking Martin Short In It."
3. "Flushed Away." The only thing more trite than the plot of this film is the heinous punnery of the critics reviewing it. Wow. Clever you guys. You found a way to make a joke from the title "Flushed Away." That's just so funny it makes me want to vomit. Really. It makes me want to empty my stomach contents into a toilet until I dry heave. It's good to know we still have such a wonderful collection of film critics in this country that can come up with such clever insights such as "'Flushed Away' struggles with comedic flow'." Wow. Do I feel nauseas or what?
4. "Stranger Than Fiction." Will Ferrell aims for becoming a real actor, just like Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler before him. Fuck.
5. "Saw III." Does this still exist? Goddamnit
6. "Babel." One of the two best films of this year that I do not care anything at all about.
7. "The Departed." This is the other. Is it okay to say that I just don't care about Martin Scorsese all that much? I'm not saying he's bad, I just haven't been that interested in more than, say, three of his past twelve films.
8. "The Prestige." Those crazy magicians, still duking it out.
9. "The Return," which will be forever known as the supernatural thriller that starred Sara Michelle Geller that wasn't "The Grudge." Which is actually saying something in its favor.
10. "A Good Year." This would be a dull romantic comedy even if it weren't such an obvious PR effort from Russell Crow to downplay his occasional violent outbursts. And why the hell is Ridley Scott directing this? Here's a tip to all film producers: Instead of hiring Ridley Scott, just under-saturate every shot and tie the camera to an epileptic's head during a grand mal. That should match the effect perfectly.
Thursday, November 9, 2006
Old People, Boring People and Made Up People
The Old Indiana Jones Chronicles
Director Frank Darabont has stated that he thinks the fourth installment in the "Indiana Jones" series will not make it to development after George Lucas rejected Darabont's script. Too bad. I was really looking forward to the latest installment in a series has lain fallow for 17 years after two tepid sequels. Shucks, I don't get to see Harrison Ford embarrass himself by pretending to be an action star half his age again. It's a shame. Really. Darn.
In Famous People News:
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have fi.........................blghahhgghhsh.
Looking at December's Movie Calender
December 1 brings us "The Nativity Story." Cast as Mary, the mother of Jesus, is a 17-year-old unmarried pregnant woman. Market around that aspect of it, bitches.
December 8 has the new film from Mel Gibson, "Apocalypto," which is about the collapse of the Mayan society and is apparently a parable about corruption of U.S. culture as it collapses into fundamentalist religious insanity. I least that's what I got from the plot outline, but I've been known to read these things wrong.
December 15 brings the new Will Smith film, "The Pursuit of Happiness," the poster for which is so inspirational it makes me want to run over orphans with my car. Also opening is "Eragon" which I've heard is some shit about dragons. Let me ask you a question, right out: Has there ever been a movie about dragons that has been anything more than mediocre? I'll let you think about that one.
December 22 brings us "Rocky Balboa" and our culture's official return to the 1980s.
December 25 brings "Dreamgirls," which tells a fictionalized account of Diana Ross and the Supremes and stars Beyonce Knowles and Jamie Foxx and...Eddie Murphy? Didn't he die?
Director Frank Darabont has stated that he thinks the fourth installment in the "Indiana Jones" series will not make it to development after George Lucas rejected Darabont's script. Too bad. I was really looking forward to the latest installment in a series has lain fallow for 17 years after two tepid sequels. Shucks, I don't get to see Harrison Ford embarrass himself by pretending to be an action star half his age again. It's a shame. Really. Darn.
In Famous People News:
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have fi.........................blghahhgghhsh.
Looking at December's Movie Calender
December 1 brings us "The Nativity Story." Cast as Mary, the mother of Jesus, is a 17-year-old unmarried pregnant woman. Market around that aspect of it, bitches.
December 8 has the new film from Mel Gibson, "Apocalypto," which is about the collapse of the Mayan society and is apparently a parable about corruption of U.S. culture as it collapses into fundamentalist religious insanity. I least that's what I got from the plot outline, but I've been known to read these things wrong.
December 15 brings the new Will Smith film, "The Pursuit of Happiness," the poster for which is so inspirational it makes me want to run over orphans with my car. Also opening is "Eragon" which I've heard is some shit about dragons. Let me ask you a question, right out: Has there ever been a movie about dragons that has been anything more than mediocre? I'll let you think about that one.
December 22 brings us "Rocky Balboa" and our culture's official return to the 1980s.
December 25 brings "Dreamgirls," which tells a fictionalized account of Diana Ross and the Supremes and stars Beyonce Knowles and Jamie Foxx and...Eddie Murphy? Didn't he die?
Thursday, November 2, 2006
The Drone List
Superman is Rereleased
Time Warner will be releasing a director's cut of "Superman II," with original director Richard Donner piecing together his vision for the film with test footage and deleted scenes, subtracting most of the footage shot by substitute director Richard Lester. Few points of interest here: Richard Donner could not direct his way out of a paper sack, having helmed not only "Goonies" and "Scrooged" but also directed and produced the entire "Lethal Weapon" series, including parts 3 and 4, as well as two other Mel Gibson movies, a Sylvester Stallone film and a Michael Crichton adaptation. On top of that, most of the footage he plans to add does not match the existing footage. Also the whole thing reeks of a shameless marketing ploy to promote the DVD release of "Superman Returns," and "Superman II" just kind of sucks anyway.
In Other Superhero News:
Ben Affleck has stated he will never play another superhero after his experience with the film "Daredevil." Now if he will only swear off every other kind of film role we'll be on to something good and I won't have to feel like ripping my own eyes out of my head every time I see that smug fucking face of his and have to be reminded that he earns millions of dollars doing a substandard job in a profession a fucking child can succeed in. Honestly, show of hands, who here would rather watch someone set an infant on fire than see a new Ben Affleck film?
On the Music Scene:
Kevin Federline released his first album, "Playing with Fire." Apparently it sucks and nobody likes it and somehow this is news.
At the Box Office:
"Saw III" topped the box office this week for no real reason. Do people just not have the ability to engage in rational thought when they go to the theater? "Well, the first one was okay and the second one kind of sucked, and the whole concept of the film is kind of morally idiotic and the plot is not plausible when subjected to even the most lenient standards and none of the actors or filmmakers are that good. HOT SHIT, THIS I GOTTA SEE!"
Time Warner will be releasing a director's cut of "Superman II," with original director Richard Donner piecing together his vision for the film with test footage and deleted scenes, subtracting most of the footage shot by substitute director Richard Lester. Few points of interest here: Richard Donner could not direct his way out of a paper sack, having helmed not only "Goonies" and "Scrooged" but also directed and produced the entire "Lethal Weapon" series, including parts 3 and 4, as well as two other Mel Gibson movies, a Sylvester Stallone film and a Michael Crichton adaptation. On top of that, most of the footage he plans to add does not match the existing footage. Also the whole thing reeks of a shameless marketing ploy to promote the DVD release of "Superman Returns," and "Superman II" just kind of sucks anyway.
In Other Superhero News:
Ben Affleck has stated he will never play another superhero after his experience with the film "Daredevil." Now if he will only swear off every other kind of film role we'll be on to something good and I won't have to feel like ripping my own eyes out of my head every time I see that smug fucking face of his and have to be reminded that he earns millions of dollars doing a substandard job in a profession a fucking child can succeed in. Honestly, show of hands, who here would rather watch someone set an infant on fire than see a new Ben Affleck film?
On the Music Scene:
Kevin Federline released his first album, "Playing with Fire." Apparently it sucks and nobody likes it and somehow this is news.
At the Box Office:
"Saw III" topped the box office this week for no real reason. Do people just not have the ability to engage in rational thought when they go to the theater? "Well, the first one was okay and the second one kind of sucked, and the whole concept of the film is kind of morally idiotic and the plot is not plausible when subjected to even the most lenient standards and none of the actors or filmmakers are that good. HOT SHIT, THIS I GOTTA SEE!"
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