Guess What!
Did you know that one of Laurence Fishburn's first significant acting roles was as Cowboy Curtis on "Pee-Wee's Playhouse"? The man went from "Apocalypse Now" to "The Matrix" and in between played a cowboy on a children's show that starred a porn addict and featured a talking chair. This really isn't news, but it's been bugging me so I figured I would throw it out there.
Opening Today:
"Flags of Our Fathers," a film about the famous Iwo Jima flag-raising photo, subject matter so moving and patriotic that it makes me want to shove my head in a bucket of boiling water.
"Flicka." (Disturbingly hot adolescent girl+horse)/family ranch in trouble= I will cut off my own dick before I would willing see this movie.
"The Prestige": Because you can never have too much of 19th century magicians in a single film-going year.
"Running with Scissors." Is anyone else made unaccountably uncomfortable by the poster for this film?
"Marie Antoinette," in which Kirsten Dunst gets all crazy French decadent with her bad self before some wacky revolutionaries cut her head off. I am so there.
Top at the Box Office This Week:
1. "The Grudge 2," which concerns an American film studio that has convinced an occasionally talented Japanese director to direct watered down remakes of his own films so as to shamelessly cash in on the Asian horror trend.
2. "The Departed," which will go down as the best film of the year that I care absolutely nothing about.
3. "Man of the Year." It's a comedy! With Robin Williams! Those two statements cannot coexist in a rational world!
4. "Open Season": Testing the limits of how many CGI films involving domesticated animals lost in the wild the market can support.
5. "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning." Why must everything I love be tied to the back of a truck and drug through a field of shit for the amusement of others?
6. "The Marine," which looks like they took a bunch of random action film plots and played Boggle with them until something resembling a movie came out. Christ, you would almost think this was being produced by the WWE. Wait...fuck.
7. "The Guardian." Kevin Costner in an action film about the Coast Guard. Are we actually regressing back into the 1980s? Has anyone told Duran Duran yet? Comeback tour, baby, I'm telling you.
8. "Employee of the Month." I'm boycotting this movie as it's just perpetuating the awful rumor that Dane Cook is actually funny.
9. "One Night with the King." Where the fuck did this come from? Tells the story of Esther, who becomes the queen of Persia after who gives a flying fuck. Fox cashes in on Christianity by making Bible stories on the cheap.
10. "Jackass Number Two." Oh, I get it. The title is a poop joke. How clever.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Monday, October 9, 2006
I Will Never Laugh Again
God Wills That it Will Suck
The budget for the upcoming film "Evan Almighty" has skyrocketed to an estimated $175 million, making it the most expensive comedy ever filmed. That's right, a studio is actually spending enough money to keep 4,375 families fed and clothed for a year on a sequel to "Bruce Almighty." Doesn't that just kind of make you want to bash your own head in with a brick? I'm not kidding. This news story has given me an honest desire to take a brick in my right hand and bring it down hard on my own cranium over and over again for as long as I am capable of doing it. Because there is no irony left in the world. None. This news story has officially killed irony.
News in the News
Dan Rather stated recently in an interview that major media outlets often cave into political and marketing pressure when deciding what news to cover and how to cover it. Thanks for the fuckin' story, Dan. We hadn't guessed. In an unrelated story, former FCC Chairman Reed Hundt stated that Rupert Murdoch exerts an unusual amount of control over the editorial content of Fox News and his other media companies. No goddamned shit, dude, really? Fox News is actually the American arm of a massive corporate-conservative propaganda machine controlled with an iron fist by a ruthless capitalist billionaire who has stated on record that he is willing to sell his version of reality to the highest bidder? You must be 'shrooming. Honestly though, is it like Obvious Day or something? Did I miss the memo?
Guess What!
Did you hear that Jada Pinkett Smith started a heavy metal band? No shit dude, I looked it up on Google. Do you know what they're called? They're called Wicked Wisdom. I am not kidding. Irony is dead.
The budget for the upcoming film "Evan Almighty" has skyrocketed to an estimated $175 million, making it the most expensive comedy ever filmed. That's right, a studio is actually spending enough money to keep 4,375 families fed and clothed for a year on a sequel to "Bruce Almighty." Doesn't that just kind of make you want to bash your own head in with a brick? I'm not kidding. This news story has given me an honest desire to take a brick in my right hand and bring it down hard on my own cranium over and over again for as long as I am capable of doing it. Because there is no irony left in the world. None. This news story has officially killed irony.
News in the News
Dan Rather stated recently in an interview that major media outlets often cave into political and marketing pressure when deciding what news to cover and how to cover it. Thanks for the fuckin' story, Dan. We hadn't guessed. In an unrelated story, former FCC Chairman Reed Hundt stated that Rupert Murdoch exerts an unusual amount of control over the editorial content of Fox News and his other media companies. No goddamned shit, dude, really? Fox News is actually the American arm of a massive corporate-conservative propaganda machine controlled with an iron fist by a ruthless capitalist billionaire who has stated on record that he is willing to sell his version of reality to the highest bidder? You must be 'shrooming. Honestly though, is it like Obvious Day or something? Did I miss the memo?
Guess What!
Did you hear that Jada Pinkett Smith started a heavy metal band? No shit dude, I looked it up on Google. Do you know what they're called? They're called Wicked Wisdom. I am not kidding. Irony is dead.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Jackass Number Two," because apparently there is still endless appeal in watching Johnny Knoxville get hit in the balls by a hammer-wielding midget.
2. "Fearless," which is reported to be Jet Li's final action film before moving on to an acting career.
3. "The Gridiron Gang," which is ANOTHER GODDAMNED FORMULIAC PSUEDO-INSPIRATIONAL MOVIE ABOUT FOOTBALL I MEAN JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I DO NOT GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT SPORTS!
4. "Flyboys," which tells the story of some computer generated action scenes during WWI that are occasionally interrupted by a plot.
5. "Everyone's Hero," the film that even the death of director Christopher Reeve could not stop. Well, I can see how this could be good, I mean WHAT? IT'S AN INPIRATIONAL MOVIE ABOUT BASEBALL? FUCK YOU REEVE, YOU DEAD SON OF A BITCH!
6. "The Black Dahlia," which is directed by Brian De Palma. In a risky move, De Palma decided to ditch the entire story and just film actors exchanging meaningful glances in between rapid jump cuts and explosions of violence.
7. "All the Kings Men," which is the adaptation of the classic Robert Penn Warren novel, has a wonderful cast and a stylish director, and would certainly be an Oscar contender this year were it not marred by the fact that it apparently totally sucks monkey balls.
8. "The Illusionist." Bad accents! Fake beards! Magic! No wonder it's a hit!
9. "The Covenant," which is some shit to do with warlocks and was directed by the man who brought us "Cliffhanger" and "Deep Blue Sea." Yeah, this is real high on my list. Get to it right after I take up yoga. And go scuba diving. And rip out my own toenails with a pair of pliers. And set myself on fire.
10. "Little Miss Sunshine." Steve Carell with a beard. That statement sums up my feelings about this movie. It's up to you to decode them.
2. "Fearless," which is reported to be Jet Li's final action film before moving on to an acting career.
3. "The Gridiron Gang," which is ANOTHER GODDAMNED FORMULIAC PSUEDO-INSPIRATIONAL MOVIE ABOUT FOOTBALL I MEAN JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I DO NOT GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT SPORTS!
4. "Flyboys," which tells the story of some computer generated action scenes during WWI that are occasionally interrupted by a plot.
5. "Everyone's Hero," the film that even the death of director Christopher Reeve could not stop. Well, I can see how this could be good, I mean WHAT? IT'S AN INPIRATIONAL MOVIE ABOUT BASEBALL? FUCK YOU REEVE, YOU DEAD SON OF A BITCH!
6. "The Black Dahlia," which is directed by Brian De Palma. In a risky move, De Palma decided to ditch the entire story and just film actors exchanging meaningful glances in between rapid jump cuts and explosions of violence.
7. "All the Kings Men," which is the adaptation of the classic Robert Penn Warren novel, has a wonderful cast and a stylish director, and would certainly be an Oscar contender this year were it not marred by the fact that it apparently totally sucks monkey balls.
8. "The Illusionist." Bad accents! Fake beards! Magic! No wonder it's a hit!
9. "The Covenant," which is some shit to do with warlocks and was directed by the man who brought us "Cliffhanger" and "Deep Blue Sea." Yeah, this is real high on my list. Get to it right after I take up yoga. And go scuba diving. And rip out my own toenails with a pair of pliers. And set myself on fire.
10. "Little Miss Sunshine." Steve Carell with a beard. That statement sums up my feelings about this movie. It's up to you to decode them.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Things That Cause Terrorism
Jingotastic
A lot of controversy has surrounded the ABC miniseries "The Path to 9/11," which apparently depicts Democratic senators pissing on Ground Zero and George W. Bush single-handedly strangling Osama Bin Laden. It's good to know the self-deception and jingoistic spirit that followed the 2001 terrorist attacks is still alive and well in America.
The Special Ingredient in Coke
Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston have HOLY SHIT I'M TURNING INTO A LEMUR!
Happens All the Time
Apparently the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel has been deemed "suspicious" by authorities. So a 20-year-old man suddenly dies from a massive heart attack and all the sudden it's a criminal matter? What's this world coming to?
A lot of controversy has surrounded the ABC miniseries "The Path to 9/11," which apparently depicts Democratic senators pissing on Ground Zero and George W. Bush single-handedly strangling Osama Bin Laden. It's good to know the self-deception and jingoistic spirit that followed the 2001 terrorist attacks is still alive and well in America.
The Special Ingredient in Coke
Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston have HOLY SHIT I'M TURNING INTO A LEMUR!
Happens All the Time
Apparently the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel has been deemed "suspicious" by authorities. So a 20-year-old man suddenly dies from a massive heart attack and all the sudden it's a criminal matter? What's this world coming to?
Thursday, September 7, 2006
Random Things
In News News
Katie Couric's first major story for the CBS Evening News was the first photograph of Suri Cruise to be released for the public. The photo will appear on an upcoming cover of Vanity Fair. Wait a sec, could someone tell me where all the news stories produced for grown-ups are? This is it? Fuck.
This Art is Shit
By the way, did you hear about that artist in New York who made a bronze representation of Suri Cruise's first solid stool? I understand that this is satire of a sorts, something about society's sick celebrity fetish, but you know someone is going to pay $25,000 for that thing and I'll just want to bash my head against a concrete wall until I can no longer retain new memories.
Guess What!
Mike Judge's new film, "Idiocracy," was given a limited release on September 1 and received about as much fanfare as a new Foghat tour. So let me get this straight: "Snakes on a Plane" arrives in theaters with loads of publicity and bales of unnecessary critical analysis despite having little going for it other than its title, while one of America's greatest satirist releases a new film and it passes like a fart in the wind? These are the kinds of things that make me want to hurt small, defenseless animals.
Katie Couric's first major story for the CBS Evening News was the first photograph of Suri Cruise to be released for the public. The photo will appear on an upcoming cover of Vanity Fair. Wait a sec, could someone tell me where all the news stories produced for grown-ups are? This is it? Fuck.
This Art is Shit
By the way, did you hear about that artist in New York who made a bronze representation of Suri Cruise's first solid stool? I understand that this is satire of a sorts, something about society's sick celebrity fetish, but you know someone is going to pay $25,000 for that thing and I'll just want to bash my head against a concrete wall until I can no longer retain new memories.
Guess What!
Mike Judge's new film, "Idiocracy," was given a limited release on September 1 and received about as much fanfare as a new Foghat tour. So let me get this straight: "Snakes on a Plane" arrives in theaters with loads of publicity and bales of unnecessary critical analysis despite having little going for it other than its title, while one of America's greatest satirist releases a new film and it passes like a fart in the wind? These are the kinds of things that make me want to hurt small, defenseless animals.
Friday, September 1, 2006
Top At the Box Office This Week
1. "Invincible," which tells the true story of a Philadelphia Eagles fan who enters an open tryout and whose dreams come true when he is selected to play for the team. Tragedy strikes when 30 years later his story is filmed as a hackneyed piece of Disney inspirational sports movie bullshit starring Mark Wahlberg.
2. "Talladega Nights: The Story of Ricky Bobby" stars Will Ferrell as a NASCAR driver. Which basically just lays out the whole thing for you right there.
3. "Little Miss Sunshine" is about.... Alan Arkin as a heroin addict? Okay, that sounds pretty cool.
4. "Beerfest" is a movie about some guys who like to drink and act like idiots. There is no actual film, just a giant mirror held up at the expected audience during each screening.
5. "World Trade Center" is the movie that shows us the inspirational, heroic side of the 9/11 tragedy so often passed over by other storytellers in the wake of the events. It's directed by Oliver Stone as he pathetically grasps for the last shreds of respect available to him.
6. "Accepted," in which a high school slacker has his ignorance and slovenly behavior rewarded after starting his own college. Anybody remember the film "Camp Nowhere"? I didn't think so.
7. "Snakes on a Plane." No, really, why is this movie important? No, really. I mean it. Why?
8. "Step Up" is some shit about a dance school. What, couldn't do something about spelling bees? Maybe throw in a FBI agent infiltrating a beauty pageant?
9. "Idlewild," in which OutKast makes a musical that is one half "Moulin Rouge" and one half a movie staring rap stars. Did this at any point sound like a good idea to anyone?
10. "Barnyard." No. Fucking. Way.
2. "Talladega Nights: The Story of Ricky Bobby" stars Will Ferrell as a NASCAR driver. Which basically just lays out the whole thing for you right there.
3. "Little Miss Sunshine" is about.... Alan Arkin as a heroin addict? Okay, that sounds pretty cool.
4. "Beerfest" is a movie about some guys who like to drink and act like idiots. There is no actual film, just a giant mirror held up at the expected audience during each screening.
5. "World Trade Center" is the movie that shows us the inspirational, heroic side of the 9/11 tragedy so often passed over by other storytellers in the wake of the events. It's directed by Oliver Stone as he pathetically grasps for the last shreds of respect available to him.
6. "Accepted," in which a high school slacker has his ignorance and slovenly behavior rewarded after starting his own college. Anybody remember the film "Camp Nowhere"? I didn't think so.
7. "Snakes on a Plane." No, really, why is this movie important? No, really. I mean it. Why?
8. "Step Up" is some shit about a dance school. What, couldn't do something about spelling bees? Maybe throw in a FBI agent infiltrating a beauty pageant?
9. "Idlewild," in which OutKast makes a musical that is one half "Moulin Rouge" and one half a movie staring rap stars. Did this at any point sound like a good idea to anyone?
10. "Barnyard." No. Fucking. Way.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Popular People Saying Things
Do You Think This Will Hurt His Career?
Paramount has ended a production deal with Tom Cruise due to his personal behavior. Apparently just being a shitty actor who is obscenely overpaid wasn't enough. Jerry Bruckheimer has stood up to defend Cruise, saying he is "still one of the biggest stars in the world" as if the opinion of the man brought us "Kangaroo Jack" counts for absolutely anything.
Fat Guy Stands Up for Jews
Rob Reiner has called upon Mel Gibson to apologize for the film "The Passion of the Christ" on the grounds that it's anti-Semitic. In response, I have called upon Rob Reiner to apologize for every movie he made between 1997 and 2005, on the grounds that they were shit.
What a Bitch
Fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld has criticized Jessica Simpson and Pete Doherty as having no taste or style (thanks for the news flash, boy-o). For the record, Lagerfeld is part of the fashion movement that has single-handedly advanced one of the most disgusting, unhealthy and insidious images of female sexuality in human history.
Paramount has ended a production deal with Tom Cruise due to his personal behavior. Apparently just being a shitty actor who is obscenely overpaid wasn't enough. Jerry Bruckheimer has stood up to defend Cruise, saying he is "still one of the biggest stars in the world" as if the opinion of the man brought us "Kangaroo Jack" counts for absolutely anything.
Fat Guy Stands Up for Jews
Rob Reiner has called upon Mel Gibson to apologize for the film "The Passion of the Christ" on the grounds that it's anti-Semitic. In response, I have called upon Rob Reiner to apologize for every movie he made between 1997 and 2005, on the grounds that they were shit.
What a Bitch
Fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld has criticized Jessica Simpson and Pete Doherty as having no taste or style (thanks for the news flash, boy-o). For the record, Lagerfeld is part of the fashion movement that has single-handedly advanced one of the most disgusting, unhealthy and insidious images of female sexuality in human history.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Kids Drink the Darndest Things
In Dead Child News
A former schoolteacher was arrested in Thailand in association with the JonBenet OHHMYGOD MY BRAIN IS EXPLODING AGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
In Living Child News
Millions of people are wondering what has become of the demon offspring of Tom Cruise and his brood mare, Katie Holmes. Some tabloids have even speculated that the child might be disfigured. That anyone really wants to, or believes they have any right to see this child does not bode well for us as a species.
In Former Child News
Haley Joel Osment was charged with drunk driving and drug possession. The charges are related to the child star's car crash last month. Much like Mel Gibson's famous outburst, Osment had a few interesting things to tell the police upon their arrival to the crash, particularly: "HOLY SHIT MY RIBS ARE BROKEN, JESUS CHRIST CALL AN AMBULANCE!"
A former schoolteacher was arrested in Thailand in association with the JonBenet OHHMYGOD MY BRAIN IS EXPLODING AGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
In Living Child News
Millions of people are wondering what has become of the demon offspring of Tom Cruise and his brood mare, Katie Holmes. Some tabloids have even speculated that the child might be disfigured. That anyone really wants to, or believes they have any right to see this child does not bode well for us as a species.
In Former Child News
Haley Joel Osment was charged with drunk driving and drug possession. The charges are related to the child star's car crash last month. Much like Mel Gibson's famous outburst, Osment had a few interesting things to tell the police upon their arrival to the crash, particularly: "HOLY SHIT MY RIBS ARE BROKEN, JESUS CHRIST CALL AN AMBULANCE!"
Friday, August 4, 2006
Comings and Goings
One Down
Rob Schneider has announced that he will never work with Mel Gibson, following Gibson's recent anti-Semitic remarks during a DUI arrest. Many agree that this is a positive step for Schneider, bringing him closer to the day in which he will no longer work with anyone ever again.
Guess What, Internet:
"Snakes on a Plane" is going to suck, and you know it deep in your empty little blogger heart.
Coming Soon:
September 1 brings us a Hollywood remake of "The Wicker Man," starring Nicolas DEAR GOD WHY WON'T HE JUST STOP Cage. "DOA: Dead or Alive" opens on September 8, bringing another goddamned video game adaptation to the big screen and sending obsessive fan boys up in arms over the casting or some such useless bullshit, even though you know those nerdy fuckers will be jacking off to the female stars and their skimpy costumes, crying as they do it over what sad, wasted little lives they lead. September 22 starts with another "Jackass" movie, which brings the endless appeal of watching Johnny Knoxville being whacked in the balls back to the silver screen.
Rob Schneider has announced that he will never work with Mel Gibson, following Gibson's recent anti-Semitic remarks during a DUI arrest. Many agree that this is a positive step for Schneider, bringing him closer to the day in which he will no longer work with anyone ever again.
Guess What, Internet:
"Snakes on a Plane" is going to suck, and you know it deep in your empty little blogger heart.
Coming Soon:
September 1 brings us a Hollywood remake of "The Wicker Man," starring Nicolas DEAR GOD WHY WON'T HE JUST STOP Cage. "DOA: Dead or Alive" opens on September 8, bringing another goddamned video game adaptation to the big screen and sending obsessive fan boys up in arms over the casting or some such useless bullshit, even though you know those nerdy fuckers will be jacking off to the female stars and their skimpy costumes, crying as they do it over what sad, wasted little lives they lead. September 22 starts with another "Jackass" movie, which brings the endless appeal of watching Johnny Knoxville being whacked in the balls back to the silver screen.
Tuesday, August 1, 2006
Booze is Good Food
In Crazy Drunkard News
Mel Gibson has apologized for anti-Semitic remarks made during is arrest for drunk driving, stating HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO FUNNY YOU'VE GOT TO HEAR THIS "Please know from my heart that I am not an anti-Semite. I am not a bigot." HAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT A FUCKING RETARD! Gibson also apologized for the sexist remarks he made during the arrest YOU CALLED A POLICEWOMAN "SUGAR TITS" DURING YOUR ARREST! GOOD WORK THERE, BRAINIAC, YOU'RE LUCKY YOU DIDN'T END UP WITH A BILLY CLUB SHOVED UP YOUR ASS. After the incident, ABC announced they were dropping an mini-series produced by Gibson's production company that was to take place during the Holocaust THANK YOU MERCIFUL GOD though in a statement from the network the reason for dropping the project was that it had been two years and no finished script had been presented CREATIVE JUICES NOT FLOWING FOR YOU MEL? SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME THINKING THOSE DISGUSTING GAY JOKES YOU'RE ALWAYS MAKING, PERHAPS? I HOPE YOU CHOKE.
Coming Soon to a Theater Near You
Will Ferrell as a race car driver, Robin Williams as an unfunny DJ, a group of unknown actresses as horror movie slaughter-fodder and Kevin James in an animated film that apparently went all the way through production without anyone realizing that male cows do not have udders.
Mel Gibson has apologized for anti-Semitic remarks made during is arrest for drunk driving, stating HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO FUNNY YOU'VE GOT TO HEAR THIS "Please know from my heart that I am not an anti-Semite. I am not a bigot." HAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT A FUCKING RETARD! Gibson also apologized for the sexist remarks he made during the arrest YOU CALLED A POLICEWOMAN "SUGAR TITS" DURING YOUR ARREST! GOOD WORK THERE, BRAINIAC, YOU'RE LUCKY YOU DIDN'T END UP WITH A BILLY CLUB SHOVED UP YOUR ASS. After the incident, ABC announced they were dropping an mini-series produced by Gibson's production company that was to take place during the Holocaust THANK YOU MERCIFUL GOD though in a statement from the network the reason for dropping the project was that it had been two years and no finished script had been presented CREATIVE JUICES NOT FLOWING FOR YOU MEL? SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME THINKING THOSE DISGUSTING GAY JOKES YOU'RE ALWAYS MAKING, PERHAPS? I HOPE YOU CHOKE.
Coming Soon to a Theater Near You
Will Ferrell as a race car driver, Robin Williams as an unfunny DJ, a group of unknown actresses as horror movie slaughter-fodder and Kevin James in an animated film that apparently went all the way through production without anyone realizing that male cows do not have udders.
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