Since I feel like getting into the Halloween spirit at the moment (as opposed to tonight, when I will get into the "drunken stupor" spirit and later the "beat up children and steal their candy" spirit) I think I will regale you with a list of the planned horror releases we have no choice but to look forward to over the upcoming months. Enjoy wearing a novel costume (perhaps celebrating some abstract subject, or possibly as a "sexy" version of a common profession) while celebrating this ancient harvest festival in the traditional manner, i.e. throwing the bones of slaughtered animals into a bonfire and pouring ale into the ocean as a libation for the sea gods.
Now for our horror movie goodness:
November 7 brings us "House," which is fortunately not a remake of the 1980s non-classic, but makes up for this failing with one of its own, in that it's a fairly generic serial killer thriller that focuses on the battle between good and evil with what some are calling a Christian bent. Golly, wonder which side will win? Has some Michael Madsen crazy goodness, so there is that at least.
I would be remiss in not mentioning the November 21 release of "Twilight," which isn't a horror film per say, but does have vampires. It's based on a wildly popular series of young adult novels, which is really all I need to know to know that I have next to no interest in it. This has a built in screaming-teenage-girl fan base, so I don't think my support will be missed. I have a general equation I live by, which is that if you want to make something completely mediocre, just add vampires to it. Cop shows, superhero comics, romantic comedies and basically any horror film made since 1980. I'm fucking sick of vampires, and you should all be ashamed of yourself.
There are no major horror releases in December (to be expected during the award season rush) but January 9 brings us a ripe slice of shit in the "Hellraiser" remake. This will probably be pushed back again as a new director, Frenchman Pascal Laugier, was just announced a couple of days ago and there has been no announced cast. Ideally, it never happens. Realistically, the best you can hope for is mediocrity.
January is a common dumping ground for studio leftovers and embarrassments, which brings us to "My Bloody Valentine 3-D," which opens on January 16. From the preview, it seems the primary reason for this remake to exist is so pick-axes can be thrown at the screen. The hopeful could take it as a sign that the horror movie remake cycle is coming to an end, since they wouldn't be trying to spice up these blandfests with 3-D gimmicks otherwise. I'm not hopeful, and the rest of this list should explain why.
January 23 brings us the exciting third film in the "Underworld" series, "Rise of the Lycans," in which... Kate Beckinsale isn't in it? Fuuuuuck. Her tight leather pants were the only thing that made the first two films bearable (if slightly frustrating).
On January 30, we get a treat of another bland J-horror-inspired (not a remake, fortunately) film about creepy ghost children. "The Uninvited" stars some people doing some things and this will be forgotten before the second reel starts.
February 13 brings us the reason that the "My Bloody Valentine" remake didn't open closer to Valentine's Day in the "Friday the 13th" remake/reimagining thing. Fanboys will shit their pants over this right up until it opens. From what I've seen so far, looks fairly generic, but apparently I hate everything .
Skipping ahead to April 3, we get "The Wolf Man" remake as part of Hollywood's continuing effort to shit on my fond childhood memories. The cast is solid (Benicio Del Toro stars, with Anthony Hopkins as his father) but the director is Joe Johnston. He's one of these hack directing automatons you hire when you want something to be moderately successful and as mediocre as possible (try to envision these films in your mind: "Jumanji," "Jurassic Park III" and "Hildalgo.") If you like weepy sentimentality in your horror films, this will be the one for you.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Divorce, Pestilence and Fashionistas
Their Pain is Funny
Gweneth Paltrow has stated publicly that she is offering her support to Madonna, who is going through a divorce with husband Guy Ritchie. Because nothing soothes the pain caused by a painful break-up like the support of your skeletal, talent-atrophied friends.
The State of the Nation
Vice-Presidential candidate and Brit Hume fan club member Sarah Palin recently courted some controversy in the press by referring to small towns as "the real America" and as being "the pro-America" parts of this country. The irony of her being married to a secessionist aside, I'm really sick of the trumping of "small town values" over all others. Small towns are where you live when you don't have the ambition or drive to try for something better, or where you move to once you've earned enough money to be able to afford to never have to actually deal with the problems with living in one. They're not inherently nicer or better than urban areas. The dimwit-to-normal-intelligence ratio is about the same in each setting (that is, staggeringly skewed to the former). Mrs. Palin's husband, Todd, also had a great little quip along the same lines recently, referring to "hunting and fishing" as American values. We'll let Mr. Palin's confusion over the difference between "values" and "activities" slide for a moment. Along these lines of thought, in terms of time spent engaged in them, some more accurate American values would seem to include "meth production" and "complaining about Mexicans."
Fuck small towns.
Death of a Professional Prick
Richard Blackwell, a fashion critic famous for his annual "Worst Dressed Women" lists, died on Sunday of complications from an intestinal infection. I guess that's what happens when you spend your career pulling opinions out of your ass. I know I should probably be more sensitive to the passing of an old man, but I honestly see anyone involved in the fashion industry as being the scum of our planet. It's a massive, useless scam perpetuated by the vainest, most self-possessed people imaginable and supported by the simpering, suckling need for status and conformity. But I digress.
Gweneth Paltrow has stated publicly that she is offering her support to Madonna, who is going through a divorce with husband Guy Ritchie. Because nothing soothes the pain caused by a painful break-up like the support of your skeletal, talent-atrophied friends.
The State of the Nation
Vice-Presidential candidate and Brit Hume fan club member Sarah Palin recently courted some controversy in the press by referring to small towns as "the real America" and as being "the pro-America" parts of this country. The irony of her being married to a secessionist aside, I'm really sick of the trumping of "small town values" over all others. Small towns are where you live when you don't have the ambition or drive to try for something better, or where you move to once you've earned enough money to be able to afford to never have to actually deal with the problems with living in one. They're not inherently nicer or better than urban areas. The dimwit-to-normal-intelligence ratio is about the same in each setting (that is, staggeringly skewed to the former). Mrs. Palin's husband, Todd, also had a great little quip along the same lines recently, referring to "hunting and fishing" as American values. We'll let Mr. Palin's confusion over the difference between "values" and "activities" slide for a moment. Along these lines of thought, in terms of time spent engaged in them, some more accurate American values would seem to include "meth production" and "complaining about Mexicans."
Fuck small towns.
Death of a Professional Prick
Richard Blackwell, a fashion critic famous for his annual "Worst Dressed Women" lists, died on Sunday of complications from an intestinal infection. I guess that's what happens when you spend your career pulling opinions out of your ass. I know I should probably be more sensitive to the passing of an old man, but I honestly see anyone involved in the fashion industry as being the scum of our planet. It's a massive, useless scam perpetuated by the vainest, most self-possessed people imaginable and supported by the simpering, suckling need for status and conformity. But I digress.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Top Ten at the Box Office
1. "Beverly Hills Chihuahua." Just watching the preview for this film is like having a physically incarnated form of pure evil violently fuck your eye sockets.
2. "Eagle Eye." Two people find that their every move is being watched by a mysterious person with sinister intents. The film makes no sense though, in that one of the people is Shia LaBeouf, and no one is interested in what Shia LaBeouf is doing, ever, anywhere, for any reason.
3. "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist." Movies about the trials of teen relationships stopped being interesting to me the moment I was no longer a teenager. After that moment it just became a bunch of self-obsessed brats who think they know what real suffering feels like.
4. "Nights of Rodanthe." This title + Richard Gere tells you everything you need to know about this film. It will magically cease to exist the minute no one is paying attention to it any longer.
5. "Appaloosa." Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen star as lawmen in a Western. I think that the only reason this film exists is because it's such an obvious idea that the universe simply brought it forth from the ether to fill the necessary gap.
6. "Lakeview Terrace." I wish that Hollywood directors would just stop pretending they have something interesting to say about race relations in America. Because they really do not.
7. "Burn After Reading." Brad Pitt plays a blithering idiot pretty-boy.
8. "Fireproof." A married couple, who are also fire fighters, try to save their marriage with a blatant, simpering metaphor.
9. "An American Carol." This is part of the reason public discourse in America has sunken so low.
10. "Religulous." This is the other part.
2. "Eagle Eye." Two people find that their every move is being watched by a mysterious person with sinister intents. The film makes no sense though, in that one of the people is Shia LaBeouf, and no one is interested in what Shia LaBeouf is doing, ever, anywhere, for any reason.
3. "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist." Movies about the trials of teen relationships stopped being interesting to me the moment I was no longer a teenager. After that moment it just became a bunch of self-obsessed brats who think they know what real suffering feels like.
4. "Nights of Rodanthe." This title + Richard Gere tells you everything you need to know about this film. It will magically cease to exist the minute no one is paying attention to it any longer.
5. "Appaloosa." Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen star as lawmen in a Western. I think that the only reason this film exists is because it's such an obvious idea that the universe simply brought it forth from the ether to fill the necessary gap.
6. "Lakeview Terrace." I wish that Hollywood directors would just stop pretending they have something interesting to say about race relations in America. Because they really do not.
7. "Burn After Reading." Brad Pitt plays a blithering idiot pretty-boy.
8. "Fireproof." A married couple, who are also fire fighters, try to save their marriage with a blatant, simpering metaphor.
9. "An American Carol." This is part of the reason public discourse in America has sunken so low.
10. "Religulous." This is the other part.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Blithering Idiocy
Just Plain Folks
The vice-presidential debate became the most watched inconsequential event on television last night. The big surprise was that Sara Palin surpassed everyone's expectations during the debate. This really isn't too much of a shock if you think about it, since the bar was set so low for her, the simple fact that she did not shit her pants right there on stage was considered a minor personal victory. You know that when we consider the fact that a politician can construct a semi-coherent sentence one of their positive points, then we have taken a significant turn as a culture.
Opening Today
For some reason, Hollywood has collectively decided to release every single film currently in production into theaters today, so this is a bit of a doozy.
"Beverly Hills Chihuahua." This film's existence makes no sense in a rational universe.
"Nick and Norha's Infinite Playlist." Michael Cera slowly begins to corner the market on teenage awkwardness, right on his way to becoming his generation's John Cusack. He'll be making vaguely liberal political parables within a decade or so.
"Blindness." The advance word on the street is that this kind of sucks. Who would have thought an adaptation of an unfilmable novel would have such trouble getting off the ground with critics?
"Religulous." A snarky atheist goes around and mocks other people's beliefs. Whoop de fuckin' do. Has it occurred to anyone else in the world that Bill Maher is kind of a fuckin' idiot and he ought to be dumped on the same liberal trash-heap as Michael Moore?
"How to Lose Friends and Alienate People." My Saturday nights, brought to a theater near you.
"The Express." Motherfuckin' football movies. I can't name two football movies off the top of my head that I actually give more than a shit about (I stall out after the original "The Longest Yard"). I doubt this is going to make the list.
"Flash of Genius." Based on a true story about a man who finds that his copywrited invention is being used without his permission by an auto manufacturer and takes his case to court. The judge throws it out when it is revealed that the inventor is played by Greg Kinnear.
"An American Carol." A conservative spoof of Michael Moore directed by David Zucker about a filmmaker trying to cancel Independence Day. In other words, the man who directed "BASEketball" thinks he has something relevant to add to the grand American political discussion. This just sounds plain retarded. Honestly, is Michael Moore even worth spoofing? Is this really the best conservative filmmakers can do? "Ha ha, Michael Moore is fat and hates America!"? You all suck so hard.
One of these days we may have a filmmaker who knows how to express his politics in a way that's elequent and convincing. A modern Preston Sturges or an updated Milos Forman. And what will happen? That director will be ignored and never be able to get a film into production, because our political landscape insists on nothing more than cheer leading for one's own side and sneers at the other side.
This is the sound of me giving my own country the middle finger. Suck it, America.
The vice-presidential debate became the most watched inconsequential event on television last night. The big surprise was that Sara Palin surpassed everyone's expectations during the debate. This really isn't too much of a shock if you think about it, since the bar was set so low for her, the simple fact that she did not shit her pants right there on stage was considered a minor personal victory. You know that when we consider the fact that a politician can construct a semi-coherent sentence one of their positive points, then we have taken a significant turn as a culture.
Opening Today
For some reason, Hollywood has collectively decided to release every single film currently in production into theaters today, so this is a bit of a doozy.
"Beverly Hills Chihuahua." This film's existence makes no sense in a rational universe.
"Nick and Norha's Infinite Playlist." Michael Cera slowly begins to corner the market on teenage awkwardness, right on his way to becoming his generation's John Cusack. He'll be making vaguely liberal political parables within a decade or so.
"Blindness." The advance word on the street is that this kind of sucks. Who would have thought an adaptation of an unfilmable novel would have such trouble getting off the ground with critics?
"Religulous." A snarky atheist goes around and mocks other people's beliefs. Whoop de fuckin' do. Has it occurred to anyone else in the world that Bill Maher is kind of a fuckin' idiot and he ought to be dumped on the same liberal trash-heap as Michael Moore?
"How to Lose Friends and Alienate People." My Saturday nights, brought to a theater near you.
"The Express." Motherfuckin' football movies. I can't name two football movies off the top of my head that I actually give more than a shit about (I stall out after the original "The Longest Yard"). I doubt this is going to make the list.
"Flash of Genius." Based on a true story about a man who finds that his copywrited invention is being used without his permission by an auto manufacturer and takes his case to court. The judge throws it out when it is revealed that the inventor is played by Greg Kinnear.
"An American Carol." A conservative spoof of Michael Moore directed by David Zucker about a filmmaker trying to cancel Independence Day. In other words, the man who directed "BASEketball" thinks he has something relevant to add to the grand American political discussion. This just sounds plain retarded. Honestly, is Michael Moore even worth spoofing? Is this really the best conservative filmmakers can do? "Ha ha, Michael Moore is fat and hates America!"? You all suck so hard.
One of these days we may have a filmmaker who knows how to express his politics in a way that's elequent and convincing. A modern Preston Sturges or an updated Milos Forman. And what will happen? That director will be ignored and never be able to get a film into production, because our political landscape insists on nothing more than cheer leading for one's own side and sneers at the other side.
This is the sound of me giving my own country the middle finger. Suck it, America.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Opening Soon and Top Ten
Opening Tomorrow:
Tomorrow brings us the latest Oscar-bait from Spike Lee, "Miracle at St. Anna," which in some sort of strange Best Picture trifecta has managed to incorporate racial issues, religious overtones and WWII. Also opening in limited release is "Choke," the first Chuck Palahniuk adaptation since "Fight Club" (fuck you, "Fight Club").
Top Ten at the Box Office:
1. "Lakewood Terrace," in which Samuel Jackson plays an LAPD officer who torments his new interracial-couple neighbors. This is director Neil LaBute's attempt to wash away the shameful, toxic aftertaste of his "Wicker Man" remake with a punch-in-the-face obvious message film. The narration in the preview might as well just say, "The black guy is... A RACIST! It's a switcharoo!"
2. "Burn After Reading." The Coen brothers fill out the part of their contract that says they have to follow every classic with a couple of middling comedies. This film does remind me, however, that George Clooney is just about the only major Hollywood star I can actually look at and think, "You know, I don't mind that guy. I don't want him to die in a chemical fire or anything."
3. "My Best Friend's Girl." Speaking of dying in a fire...
4. "Igor." A lonely, abused outsider with dreams of greatness in a strange world, who happens to be voiced by John Cusack. This looks like gothic-light for the kiddie crowd, and I have about as much interest in it as I do in eating spoonfuls of mayo straight from the jar.
5. "Righteous Kill." Two men who have wasted their talent for a solid decade waste it together in a formulaic thriller.
6. "The Family That Preys." Tyler Perry seems to be competing in his own Shitty Family Drama Olympics. If that's the case, then he has another gold medal winner on his hands.
7. "The Women." A tale of drama, betrayal and revenge based on the 1939 classic. The entire cast, much like the audience, is female.
8. "Ghost Town." Ricky Gervais is haunted by the ghost of Greg Kinnear's acting career.
9. "The Dark Knight." Keeping Hot Topic in business for another season.
10. "The House Bunny." This is how much God hates you.
Tomorrow brings us the latest Oscar-bait from Spike Lee, "Miracle at St. Anna," which in some sort of strange Best Picture trifecta has managed to incorporate racial issues, religious overtones and WWII. Also opening in limited release is "Choke," the first Chuck Palahniuk adaptation since "Fight Club" (fuck you, "Fight Club").
Top Ten at the Box Office:
1. "Lakewood Terrace," in which Samuel Jackson plays an LAPD officer who torments his new interracial-couple neighbors. This is director Neil LaBute's attempt to wash away the shameful, toxic aftertaste of his "Wicker Man" remake with a punch-in-the-face obvious message film. The narration in the preview might as well just say, "The black guy is... A RACIST! It's a switcharoo!"
2. "Burn After Reading." The Coen brothers fill out the part of their contract that says they have to follow every classic with a couple of middling comedies. This film does remind me, however, that George Clooney is just about the only major Hollywood star I can actually look at and think, "You know, I don't mind that guy. I don't want him to die in a chemical fire or anything."
3. "My Best Friend's Girl." Speaking of dying in a fire...
4. "Igor." A lonely, abused outsider with dreams of greatness in a strange world, who happens to be voiced by John Cusack. This looks like gothic-light for the kiddie crowd, and I have about as much interest in it as I do in eating spoonfuls of mayo straight from the jar.
5. "Righteous Kill." Two men who have wasted their talent for a solid decade waste it together in a formulaic thriller.
6. "The Family That Preys." Tyler Perry seems to be competing in his own Shitty Family Drama Olympics. If that's the case, then he has another gold medal winner on his hands.
7. "The Women." A tale of drama, betrayal and revenge based on the 1939 classic. The entire cast, much like the audience, is female.
8. "Ghost Town." Ricky Gervais is haunted by the ghost of Greg Kinnear's acting career.
9. "The Dark Knight." Keeping Hot Topic in business for another season.
10. "The House Bunny." This is how much God hates you.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Bangkok Dangerous." Sometimes films will do really well for simple lack of competition. If a three minute film of John Goodman drooling on himself had been released last week, it would have beaten this in total box-office earnings. The only reason to see a new Nicolas Cage film these days is to take a look at what outrageous hairstyle he's currently sporting.
2. "Tropic Thunder." Every time someone tells me that this is the funniest movie they have ever seen, I sigh a little and then wander quietly back to my apartment, where I lock the door and proceed to weep uncontrollably.
3. "The Dark Knight." Yeah, it was okay.
4. "The House Bunny." Watching the preview for this film is like receiving a sharp, sudden kick to the testicles.
5. "Traitor." Don Cheadle is a national security threat and must be stopped, with deadly force if necessary. He is also starring in this new film.
6. "Babylon A.D." Vin Diesel must save the world by jumping out of an airplane. I think we can all agree this is for the best, assuming he doesn't wear a parachute.
7. "Death Race." I think that NASCAR would be so much more entertaining if the drivers were rewarded points for running over their fans. Someone back me up on this.
8. "Disaster Movie." The existence of this film actually makes other, unrelated comedies less funny. This movie is to humor what genital warts are to human sexuality.
9. "Mamma Mia!" I think I might suffer from clinical depression.
10. "Pineapple Express." Oh, nope, wait a moment. I'm okay now.
2. "Tropic Thunder." Every time someone tells me that this is the funniest movie they have ever seen, I sigh a little and then wander quietly back to my apartment, where I lock the door and proceed to weep uncontrollably.
3. "The Dark Knight." Yeah, it was okay.
4. "The House Bunny." Watching the preview for this film is like receiving a sharp, sudden kick to the testicles.
5. "Traitor." Don Cheadle is a national security threat and must be stopped, with deadly force if necessary. He is also starring in this new film.
6. "Babylon A.D." Vin Diesel must save the world by jumping out of an airplane. I think we can all agree this is for the best, assuming he doesn't wear a parachute.
7. "Death Race." I think that NASCAR would be so much more entertaining if the drivers were rewarded points for running over their fans. Someone back me up on this.
8. "Disaster Movie." The existence of this film actually makes other, unrelated comedies less funny. This movie is to humor what genital warts are to human sexuality.
9. "Mamma Mia!" I think I might suffer from clinical depression.
10. "Pineapple Express." Oh, nope, wait a moment. I'm okay now.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Opening Soon and Top Ten
Opening This Week:
"Disaster Movie." I'm pretty sure this was approved due to a horrible mistake on the studio's part. These films are to humor what AIDS is to Africa.
"Babylon A.D." "Children of Men"-lite for the bang-bang-go-boom crowd. It doesn't look half-bad for what it is, but I'm beginning to suspect that Vin Diesel must have some sort of clause in his contract stating that he has to jump from an exploding plane while strapped to a snowboard and firing a machine gun in every movie he appears in. I'm interested in seeing how that plays out in his upcoming Hannibal biopic (maybe jumping off an exploding elephant while strapped to a canoe and throwing a spear. Just an idea, Vin).
"College." Three high school seniors are in for a wild weekend when they visit a local college. They meet with an academic adviser, tour campus and begin work on their applications while weighing the option to attend the school or to look into financial aid so they can afford something out of state. Then they puke on themselves.
Top at the Box Office:
1. "Tropic Thunder." Little bit of a dust-up over this film regarding its use of the word "retard." Protesting the film seems to have worked wonders.
Just a quick note though: Using the word "retard" when referring to a person with a particular mental disability is cruel and mean-spirited. Using the word in its actual sense, which means "slow or limited in intellectual development," is a pretty funny synonym for "stupid." For example: "Protesting a comedy because it satirically used the word 'retard' is kind of retarded."
2. "The House Bunny." Speaking of retarded...
3. "Death Race." Bang, kaboom, whoop de fuck. If it doesn't have David Carradine with a grenade for a hand, then I don't really give a shit.
4. "The Dark Knight." Do you remember "Batman & Robin"? I guess by that standard this is the greatest thing to happen in all of cinematic history. But by most other standards it's a decent action film with one iconic performance that will inspire way too many Halloween costumes this year.
5. "Star Wars: The Clone Wars." Is it okay for me to say I don't really care all that much about "Star Wars"? Because I really don't. The original trilogy was pretty entertaining, to a point. But anything that has been associated to them since has been like some kind of weird anti-fun, causing joy to be sucked out of my life every time I encounter it.
6. "The Pineapple Express." Hey, Harold & Kumar! This is how you make a fuckin' stoner movie. Please pay attention.
7. "Mirrors." If you've seen the trailer then you can guess at this film's one spooky little trick it has to scare people with, which it no doubt drives into the ground. Looks about as frightening as a box of donut holes.
8. "Mamma Mia!" You can't stop it. The disease is inside of you.
9. "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor." Whenever I look at the ads for this movie, I can't focus on them. It's like when the people in the movie "Dark City" try to remember if they've ever seen daylight. My consciousness won't accept that this film exists even though my memory tells me otherwise.
10. "The Longshots." Fred Durst directed this. By seeing this movie, you are directly supporting the career of Fred Durst. Mull that over for a moment and then consider doing some charity work as a way to protect your immortal soul.
"Disaster Movie." I'm pretty sure this was approved due to a horrible mistake on the studio's part. These films are to humor what AIDS is to Africa.
"Babylon A.D." "Children of Men"-lite for the bang-bang-go-boom crowd. It doesn't look half-bad for what it is, but I'm beginning to suspect that Vin Diesel must have some sort of clause in his contract stating that he has to jump from an exploding plane while strapped to a snowboard and firing a machine gun in every movie he appears in. I'm interested in seeing how that plays out in his upcoming Hannibal biopic (maybe jumping off an exploding elephant while strapped to a canoe and throwing a spear. Just an idea, Vin).
"College." Three high school seniors are in for a wild weekend when they visit a local college. They meet with an academic adviser, tour campus and begin work on their applications while weighing the option to attend the school or to look into financial aid so they can afford something out of state. Then they puke on themselves.
Top at the Box Office:
1. "Tropic Thunder." Little bit of a dust-up over this film regarding its use of the word "retard." Protesting the film seems to have worked wonders.
Just a quick note though: Using the word "retard" when referring to a person with a particular mental disability is cruel and mean-spirited. Using the word in its actual sense, which means "slow or limited in intellectual development," is a pretty funny synonym for "stupid." For example: "Protesting a comedy because it satirically used the word 'retard' is kind of retarded."
2. "The House Bunny." Speaking of retarded...
3. "Death Race." Bang, kaboom, whoop de fuck. If it doesn't have David Carradine with a grenade for a hand, then I don't really give a shit.
4. "The Dark Knight." Do you remember "Batman & Robin"? I guess by that standard this is the greatest thing to happen in all of cinematic history. But by most other standards it's a decent action film with one iconic performance that will inspire way too many Halloween costumes this year.
5. "Star Wars: The Clone Wars." Is it okay for me to say I don't really care all that much about "Star Wars"? Because I really don't. The original trilogy was pretty entertaining, to a point. But anything that has been associated to them since has been like some kind of weird anti-fun, causing joy to be sucked out of my life every time I encounter it.
6. "The Pineapple Express." Hey, Harold & Kumar! This is how you make a fuckin' stoner movie. Please pay attention.
7. "Mirrors." If you've seen the trailer then you can guess at this film's one spooky little trick it has to scare people with, which it no doubt drives into the ground. Looks about as frightening as a box of donut holes.
8. "Mamma Mia!" You can't stop it. The disease is inside of you.
9. "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor." Whenever I look at the ads for this movie, I can't focus on them. It's like when the people in the movie "Dark City" try to remember if they've ever seen daylight. My consciousness won't accept that this film exists even though my memory tells me otherwise.
10. "The Longshots." Fred Durst directed this. By seeing this movie, you are directly supporting the career of Fred Durst. Mull that over for a moment and then consider doing some charity work as a way to protect your immortal soul.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Random Prick Assault Force
Who Watches the Watchmen? No One
20th Century Fox has engaged in what industry insiders generally refer to as a "dick move" and filed suit against Warner Bros. to stop the release of the highly anticipated "Watchmen" adaptation. Not to just get a cut of the profits, but to actually keep the multi-million dollar production from ever seeing the light of day. This suit is in regards to a spat over the adaptation rights, which Fox claims it still owned. They of course didn't decide to work this out before the much publicized film went into production, instead waiting until after it was completed and slated for a Spring 2009 release before suing.
Personally I couldn't really give less of a shit. I have no great hopes for the film right now and am one of the few people around who still thinks that some stories just aren't worth turning into movies, especially ones that are so tied into their original medium. But then again, Kevin Smith has seen the film and says it's going to be great, and we all know that Kevin Smith's taste in cinema is unimpeachable.
Here I am employing sarcasm to indicate that I do not actually think that highly of Kevin Smith's cinematic taste, and in fact think that everything the man says or does in his life ought to be struck from human memory.
Five Bees for a Quarter
John McCain had a fairly interesting gaffe recently. When asked at a press conference how many homes he owns, his response was that he couldn't remember and that he would have his staff check for him. Pundits are still split on which fact is more disturbing: That McCain can't remember how many homes he owns or that he has to have staff members go and count them for him.
So can someone explain to me why the Republicans have decided to nominate Grandpa Simpson to be their candidate for the nation's top office? A crotchety, hot-headed war hero who exaggerates his accomplishments, often outright lies and seems to have a slim grasp of current events doesn't strike me as being an entirely stable choice. He's referred to Vladimir Putin as the president of Germany, doesn't seem to know the difference between Sunni and Shia Muslims and has on multiple occasions referred to Czechoslovakia as if it were a current country, rather than one that split into two countries in 1993. One of these days I expect him to come out and tell the story about how he took the ferry to Shelbyville, because he needed to get a new heel on his shoe. So he tied an onion to his belt, as was the style at the time. They didn't have any white onions, because of the war. All they had were those big yellow ones...
20th Century Fox has engaged in what industry insiders generally refer to as a "dick move" and filed suit against Warner Bros. to stop the release of the highly anticipated "Watchmen" adaptation. Not to just get a cut of the profits, but to actually keep the multi-million dollar production from ever seeing the light of day. This suit is in regards to a spat over the adaptation rights, which Fox claims it still owned. They of course didn't decide to work this out before the much publicized film went into production, instead waiting until after it was completed and slated for a Spring 2009 release before suing.
Personally I couldn't really give less of a shit. I have no great hopes for the film right now and am one of the few people around who still thinks that some stories just aren't worth turning into movies, especially ones that are so tied into their original medium. But then again, Kevin Smith has seen the film and says it's going to be great, and we all know that Kevin Smith's taste in cinema is unimpeachable.
Here I am employing sarcasm to indicate that I do not actually think that highly of Kevin Smith's cinematic taste, and in fact think that everything the man says or does in his life ought to be struck from human memory.
Five Bees for a Quarter
John McCain had a fairly interesting gaffe recently. When asked at a press conference how many homes he owns, his response was that he couldn't remember and that he would have his staff check for him. Pundits are still split on which fact is more disturbing: That McCain can't remember how many homes he owns or that he has to have staff members go and count them for him.
So can someone explain to me why the Republicans have decided to nominate Grandpa Simpson to be their candidate for the nation's top office? A crotchety, hot-headed war hero who exaggerates his accomplishments, often outright lies and seems to have a slim grasp of current events doesn't strike me as being an entirely stable choice. He's referred to Vladimir Putin as the president of Germany, doesn't seem to know the difference between Sunni and Shia Muslims and has on multiple occasions referred to Czechoslovakia as if it were a current country, rather than one that split into two countries in 1993. One of these days I expect him to come out and tell the story about how he took the ferry to Shelbyville, because he needed to get a new heel on his shoe. So he tied an onion to his belt, as was the style at the time. They didn't have any white onions, because of the war. All they had were those big yellow ones...
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Dead Celebrity Hammer Throw
Fuck Multiculturalism
The big news in entertainment this week has been the veritable nationalistic orgy of the Beijing Olympics, which are about as exciting to me as clipping my toenails. Of course our whole nation is cheering on Michael Phelps, the gold-medal-winning machine of a swimmer. Swimming is basically an elaborate way to not sink under the water and drown; Phelps does it very quickly.
Do you remember during the Athens Olympics when Australian swimmer Ian Thorp said Phelps would never beat Mark Spitz's gold medal record? Apparently Phelps told Thorp to "go suck a dick" and has proceeded to wipe him out of the record books, and is now on track to exceed the Spitz record, powering his swimming performance on the gasoline of pure hate.
And that is truly what the Olympic games are all about.
Dead Celeb Coral
Couple of famous deaths this last week. Comedian Bernie Mac died of complications from pneumonia, while soul artist Isaac Hayes just up and died. In order to gauge my feelings about these events for you, let me updated my Death Response Priority List. In descending order of importance: Immediate family, close friends, pets, casual acquaintances, fictional characters, celebrities that I don't know personally, anonymous Chinese earthquake victims.
In response to Hayes' death, his former employers Matt Stone and Trey Parker had this to say: "Blippity bloppity blew Ron Paul."
Tom Cruise is a Penis
Tom Cruise has apparently been written out of an upcoming action film he was set to star in because he was considered too old to be a bankable action hero and that he no longer justifies his large paycheck. Since age has not stopped Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford, Clint Eastwood, Nicolas Cage or any number of other hobbling old coots from playing the hero role, it stands to reason that the real purpose for removing Cruise from a project is that he is in fact a large walking penis that squawks in something resembling a human dialect. His attempts to get a fourth "Mission: Impossible" film off the ground have also met with problems, since no one seems interested in creating a multi-million dollar vanity project starring a third-rate punchline who resembles an anthropomorphized genitalia.
The big news in entertainment this week has been the veritable nationalistic orgy of the Beijing Olympics, which are about as exciting to me as clipping my toenails. Of course our whole nation is cheering on Michael Phelps, the gold-medal-winning machine of a swimmer. Swimming is basically an elaborate way to not sink under the water and drown; Phelps does it very quickly.
Do you remember during the Athens Olympics when Australian swimmer Ian Thorp said Phelps would never beat Mark Spitz's gold medal record? Apparently Phelps told Thorp to "go suck a dick" and has proceeded to wipe him out of the record books, and is now on track to exceed the Spitz record, powering his swimming performance on the gasoline of pure hate.
And that is truly what the Olympic games are all about.
Dead Celeb Coral
Couple of famous deaths this last week. Comedian Bernie Mac died of complications from pneumonia, while soul artist Isaac Hayes just up and died. In order to gauge my feelings about these events for you, let me updated my Death Response Priority List. In descending order of importance: Immediate family, close friends, pets, casual acquaintances, fictional characters, celebrities that I don't know personally, anonymous Chinese earthquake victims.
In response to Hayes' death, his former employers Matt Stone and Trey Parker had this to say: "Blippity bloppity blew Ron Paul."
Tom Cruise is a Penis
Tom Cruise has apparently been written out of an upcoming action film he was set to star in because he was considered too old to be a bankable action hero and that he no longer justifies his large paycheck. Since age has not stopped Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford, Clint Eastwood, Nicolas Cage or any number of other hobbling old coots from playing the hero role, it stands to reason that the real purpose for removing Cruise from a project is that he is in fact a large walking penis that squawks in something resembling a human dialect. His attempts to get a fourth "Mission: Impossible" film off the ground have also met with problems, since no one seems interested in creating a multi-million dollar vanity project starring a third-rate punchline who resembles an anthropomorphized genitalia.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Coming Soon
Here's a look at a few of the cinematic tidbits that are ready to expand our film-loving pallet:
August 8: "Pineapple Express." A stoner action-comedy full of laughs and violence. Who could possibly be the audience for this? The trailer actually makes it look interesting and the cast is spot on, so this might be something to look forward to, though I'm still scratching my head as to how David Gordon Green ended up directing it.
Also opening is "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2," which will give the other end of the marketing spectrum something to watch. It stars a bunch of women in their mid-20s as college freshmen who must go through the loves and frustrations involved with being contractually obligated to do a sequel they have no interest in.
August 15: "Star Wars: Clone Wars." An animated gap filler for the trilogy of prequels, this exists as a simple testament to the gullibility of science fiction fans and of George Lucas' pure and unabashed hatred for all that is good and pure in this world.
Also opening is "Tropic Thunder," which stars Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. as action stars who end up acting as real soldiers for some oppressed peasant-folk. Sounds great doesn't it? It certainly isn't an unabashed rip-off of "The Three Amigos," right? It will most definitely not be an embarrassingly ham-fisted sub-satire, like "Zoolander" or "Cable Guy," the last two films Stiller directed himself, right?
August 21: "Death Race." Director: Paul W.S. Anderson. Synopsis: A "not-really" remake of the cult classic, "Death Race 2000." Status: Will suck worse than a Dyson vacuum.
Also opening is "Hamlet 2," which looks to be this year's requisite middling indie comedy hit. The soundtrack will sell well at least. They always do with these films.
August 28: "Disaster Movie." A more apt title has yet to be logged into the history of cinema.
Also opening is "College," which is a comedy. About college. You can fill in the rest from there.
August 8: "Pineapple Express." A stoner action-comedy full of laughs and violence. Who could possibly be the audience for this? The trailer actually makes it look interesting and the cast is spot on, so this might be something to look forward to, though I'm still scratching my head as to how David Gordon Green ended up directing it.
Also opening is "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2," which will give the other end of the marketing spectrum something to watch. It stars a bunch of women in their mid-20s as college freshmen who must go through the loves and frustrations involved with being contractually obligated to do a sequel they have no interest in.
August 15: "Star Wars: Clone Wars." An animated gap filler for the trilogy of prequels, this exists as a simple testament to the gullibility of science fiction fans and of George Lucas' pure and unabashed hatred for all that is good and pure in this world.
Also opening is "Tropic Thunder," which stars Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. as action stars who end up acting as real soldiers for some oppressed peasant-folk. Sounds great doesn't it? It certainly isn't an unabashed rip-off of "The Three Amigos," right? It will most definitely not be an embarrassingly ham-fisted sub-satire, like "Zoolander" or "Cable Guy," the last two films Stiller directed himself, right?
August 21: "Death Race." Director: Paul W.S. Anderson. Synopsis: A "not-really" remake of the cult classic, "Death Race 2000." Status: Will suck worse than a Dyson vacuum.
Also opening is "Hamlet 2," which looks to be this year's requisite middling indie comedy hit. The soundtrack will sell well at least. They always do with these films.
August 28: "Disaster Movie." A more apt title has yet to be logged into the history of cinema.
Also opening is "College," which is a comedy. About college. You can fill in the rest from there.
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